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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being to sensitive over friendships?

54 replies

mag2305 · 04/10/2021 00:34

I'm not sure if this is AIBU or more like am I being too sensitive?
So Covid happened and the various lock downs which separated people. I then became pregnant with our second child last October. I suffer with quite severe anxiety and struggled through the pregnancy. Didn't tell many people about the pregnancy at all through fear something might go wrong (previous traumatic birth) and sort of went into hiding for 10 months. Partly shielding because of covid too through last winter. Anyway since having my daughter in July, I'm trying really hard to start doing normal things again but I'm finding it hard to reconnect with some of my friends. I just don't know if it's the virus that's changed things or me being out of the picture for a while? Maybe I need to think about making new friends? I particularly feel for my son who's three as we had friends with children his age who we just haven't seen for ages but maybe too much time has now passed for it to be as it was.
This weekend for instance, we arranged a few different things for my son's birthday. 5 different sets of friends cancelled on us for various reasons. So we were actually left with my son not seeing other children on his birthday weekend which I really wanted for him. A couple of these friends actually had their own meet up (saw on fb) which they could of invited us along to instead but they didn't. My son missed out on seeing other children for so long (like many others) and I really want to start socialising again for his sake. He is a live wire and doesn't always like to conform so I do worry that some of my friends might not want him at their homes.

AIBU or just sensitive? Has anyone else experienced a change in friendships since covid?

OP posts:

Original poster

mag2305 · 04/10/2021 00:35

Title correction... Am I being too sensitive

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 04/10/2021 00:47

depends really - was there a lot of notice on the birthday event, were you close friends previously, or acquaintences/mum friends?

If a friend dropped contact for a year, then reappeared, I'd probably be glad to hear from them - but not nesessarily dropping everything to see them at a moments notice.
Also, at the moment, people are more likely to cancel if they or a family member is feeling unwell - what were the reasons for cancelling?

Original poster

mag2305 · 04/10/2021 00:54

@ThinWomansBrain The first lot of friends were down south for a few days and just had too many people to see so couldn't make it. Another friend struggles with anxiety and was having a bad day. Some other friends cancelled very last minute because one of them had a migrane. Then the other two friends said they couldn't make my son's birthday because they had other plans. Turns out those plans were together as seen on Facebook.
So all sorts of reasons, so of which can't be helped at all but just left me feeling a bit despondent.

OP posts:

Mosaic123 · 04/10/2021 00:54

5 cancellations seems a bit unlucky. Anyone would be upset at that. Also seeing that some of those had met up is upsetting too. I agree you should look for new friends.

However perhaps meet up with friends in one to one meet ups and reconnect that way.

FoxgloveSummers · 04/10/2021 01:00

So you avoided your friends for a year, didn’t share basic life news and you have a “live wire” toddler. Leaving aside the reasons for the first two, you can see why this particular set of circumstances might make people not feel very close to you? Were you “there” virtually while you were “in hiding” eg replying to messages, ringing them etc?

ThinWomansBrain · 04/10/2021 01:30

It's hard - but I can understand friends not prioritising seeing you if you've been avoiding them for a year.
Not a great time for it, but never a bad idea to diviersify/widen your circle of friends - but frindships do take effort on both sides.

Original poster

mag2305 · 04/10/2021 06:24

It was a difficult year. I do have quite severe anxiety and consequently was under a perinatal psychiatric team and still am for PNA and PND. I was physically very ill too for the first 4-5 months of the pregnancy which was during the last lock down. We had a few worrying scans too over the baby which heightened my fears.
A couple of friends did actually know I was pregnant after about 5 months. I didn't shut people out completely, I stayed in contact with all my friends via messages but just chose to keep things private. Maybe this was a strange thing to not telling people but it was a personal decision for genuine reasons. And to be honest, since having my daughter, I've been really open about stuff with people and explained my reasons for keeping things quiet.
The problem is, now it feels like I need to play catch up with reconnecting and yeh, maybe some friends aren't bothered now or have moved on. As anyone knows, having a baby can feel quite isolating anyway and although this is my second, I can still feel quite alone. Maybe I just need to preserve, show my friends that I want to rebuild. things and maybe look at ways of making new friends too.

OP posts:

Ralphschocolate · 04/10/2021 06:33

If I've understood what you say in your posts, you stepped away from their friendship for almost a year, however, you were in contact but didn't tell them you were pregnant. Your friends are probably extremely hurt.

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2021 06:42

They’re probably not prioritising seeing you because you’ve not been in contact plus your toddler sounds… spirited which is less fun for other people than you might think

CornforthWhite · 04/10/2021 06:49

I think if you didn’t tell your friends you were pregnant they probably feel very undervalued and have probably decided to step away too.
You could try to see them individually and explain what happened, but there might always be a bit of distance because of this.

Waspsarearseholes · 04/10/2021 06:50

Friendships tend to be strongest when they are mutually beneficial and enjoyable. Major, life changing things have happened to you in the past year which your friends knew nothing about, it's not really surprising that they assumed they weren't important to you. You're making a lot of excuses, some of which may be valid, but it doesn't change the outcome - that your friends don't want to prioritise someone who sees them as optional.

Billandben444 · 04/10/2021 06:56

Can you arrange an outdoor meet with just one friend and child? See what happens and go from there. Perhaps the time has come to start anew with mums and children from the different groups you go to as friendships do need nurturing and, though I totally agree with your reasons, that hasn't happened. I feel sad for your little one's birthday though 😢

Summersun2020 · 04/10/2021 07:00

Sorry op but YABU. A year is a long time, they’ve probably lost interest. Also, it’s been a tough time for everyone…you have no idea what your friends have been through themselves and could have supported each other through. I’d focus on making and maintaining new friendships.

SophieKaczynsky · 04/10/2021 07:02

You sound very self absorbed and to be honest all the hiding and cutting people off sounds very weird. It doesn't look as though you've thought about things from your friends' viewpoints at all.

ButterflyAway · 04/10/2021 07:02

You dropped out of their lives for 10 months, you hid your pregnancy and cut them off. You can’t expect them not to be hurt and angry, or to want to resume normal relationships. You caused this yourself unfortunately.

GetDrunkWithMe · 04/10/2021 07:07

You dropped out of their lives for ten months... you can't possibly expect to start off where you left off. I would be the same if someone came back in my life like that no way would I be cancelling plans etc to see them after being awol for ten months.

Mermaidpool · 04/10/2021 07:07

Sorry but if a friend barely spoke to me for a year, had a baby without saying she was pregnant then I wouldn't be in a rush to make plans when they decided they wanted to again. You said 2 had plans so did they actually say they would come and then cancel or just say they were busy in the first place?

Divebar2021 · 04/10/2021 07:13

It’s a two way street isn’t it? Have you been available for their children’s birthday parties over the year. I doubt the situation is irreparable but you have worded it slightly from the viewpoint of wanting something from them rather than missing them for their own sake.

Beautiful3 · 04/10/2021 07:16

A friend of mine shocked me when I messaged her back in March ,asking where she was as I never saw her on the school run. She moved over 200 miles away without telling me or any other friends from school! I knew she was struggling with covid, mentally. We messaged a lot, but this was like a 2 fingered gesture to me. I never bothered with her since. I would be annoyed with you. However you could right it, by inviting your friends over( on a one to one basis)for dinner and a catch up.

Wagglerock · 04/10/2021 07:17

I wouldn't bother with you anymore tbh, you dropped out of their lives and didn't tell them about a pretty major life event. I'd be hurt and confused. How much do you know about their lives now? You talk about you and your son being isolated but that's the decision you (and presumably your OH) made - it's not your friends fault that you ghosted them for a year.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/10/2021 07:19

Truthfully, if a friend disappeared for a year and didn't tell me she was pregnant, I would assume the friendship was not important to her. I wouldn't be keen to pick it up again, especially if it was a mum friendship and my 3 year old had also been ditched.

However all the cancellations sound rude, especially the two who met up to do something else. Had they actually confirmed they would see you at a specific time and place? I don't think you mentioned a party, so if it was just a vague "let's do something that weekend" and it never got firmed up, they may have accepted a more definite plan.

NoLeafClover · 04/10/2021 07:20

I'm afraid it's unreasonable to drop friendships for a year and expect them to be business as usual once you decide you're ready to opt back in again. However good your reasons for retreating might be (and I understand, I had several years of struggles with both my physical and mental health, I definitely retreated, and sadly I did lose some friendships. I mean it wasn't my fault that I was unwell, but I completely understand that my friends had lives of their own to get on with, and weren't going to just sit around waiting for me).

So we were actually left with my son not seeing other children on his birthday weekend which I really wanted for him See this makes it sound like you weren't really interested in seeing your friends or their children, not wanting to catch up with them, more just using them to provide an 'experience' for your son. If they picked up on this, maybe that's why they backed out?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/10/2021 07:20

you have worded it slightly from the viewpoint of wanting something from them rather than missing them for their own sake.

Really good point.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/10/2021 07:21

If a friend dropped me for a year, I don't think I would put in much effort when they decided they wanted to use me for their sons birthday party.

He is a live wire and doesn't always like to conform

I.e he's out of control and doesn't do a thing he's told.

Didiusfalco · 04/10/2021 07:27

The fact you didn’t tell them you were pregnant gives off the message you are not that tight and five months is late to tell people. Plus disappearing after baby was born, it’s all putting distance between you. Essentially if you hold people at arms length, it’s no surprise when you’re not close.

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