Am I being to sensitive over friendships?

[mag2305]

I'm not sure if this is AIBU or more like am I being too sensitive?
So Covid happened and the various lock downs which separated people. I then became pregnant with our second child last October. I suffer with quite severe anxiety and struggled through the pregnancy. Didn't tell many people about the pregnancy at all through fear something might go wrong (previous traumatic birth) and sort of went into hiding for 10 months. Partly shielding because of covid too through last winter. Anyway since having my daughter in July, I'm trying really hard to start doing normal things again but I'm finding it hard to reconnect with some of my friends. I just don't know if it's the virus that's changed things or me being out of the picture for a while? Maybe I need to think about making new friends? I particularly feel for my son who's three as we had friends with children his age who we just haven't seen for ages but maybe too much time has now passed for it to be as it was.
This weekend for instance, we arranged a few different things for my son's birthday. 5 different sets of friends cancelled on us for various reasons. So we were actually left with my son not seeing other children on his birthday weekend which I really wanted for him. A couple of these friends actually had their own meet up (saw on fb) which they could of invited us along to instead but they didn't. My son missed out on seeing other children for so long (like many others) and I really want to start socialising again for his sake. He is a live wire and doesn't always like to conform so I do worry that some of my friends might not want him at their homes.

AIBU or just sensitive? Has anyone else experienced a change in friendships since covid?

I think some of these messages are very mean. I’m so sorry you’ve had a difficult year. It sounds like we had a very similar experience with being pregnant during the lockdowns. My son was born in June this year after two pregnancy losses. We didn’t tell many people I was pregnant (didn’t tell our parents until after the 20 week scan). I also required a referral to the perinatal mental health team because my anxiety was so bad. I withdrew from seeing people even when the restrictions were lifted in the spring, and like you, have tried to get out and about more since having my son.

I’ve found my friends were really understanding when I was completely honest and upfront with them about what I had been through. Have you tried messaging them to say how you feel? Apologise for not being in contact but explain the anxiety you’ve gone through.

Although friendship is of course give and take, I would like to think that my true friends would still be there if they understood the difficult time I had been through. I have been lucky and without exception they have understood and been really sympathetic. I’m lucky to have patient friends, and I would behave in the same way if and when they go through tough times.

I think maybe you have to be really honest and upfront about how difficult the last year has been for you. That is my advice.

If the friendships are longlasting then they are probably worth pursuing if you explain what was going on in your life. Longstanding friends will forgive you. If they are just people you knew for a bit because you had children the same age, then tbh I'd move on - get to know some of the children/parents your DS knows through preschool or groups. Plus he's at an age where he'll start to make his own friends anyway.

I think a lot of people have reevaluated during lockdowns who they want to spend their time with and how they want to lead their life. I can see this will have led to lesser friends deciding you are not worth the effort.

If 2 people told you they already had plans then they didn't cancel on you. And it's fair enough they didn't want to rearrange their plans to accommodate you when you've cut them out for the best part of the year.

You don't sound like much of a friend. It seems you've only bothered to arrange to meet them so your kid has other children to play with on his birthday. Not because you actually want to catch up with these people.

A few unusual things in your post:

2 friends had other plans and met up with each other instead? Either this is an incredibly rude cancellation, or they didn't accept in the first place- ie. Didn't cancel at all

Your son is a non-conforming live wire... if this means what I think it means, the cancellations may well make a lot more sense

And dropping out of society and then suddenly arranging a public meet up with 5 sets of friends doesn't tie in with being covid cautious? Did you impose a lot of restrictions on this meet up which would have made it a lot less attractive?

You say you “sort of went into hiding”

Friends dont shut themselves Off or don’t share their news.

Maybe your friends are hurt that you didn’t make much of an effort especially when most people were having a tough time with lockdown. I’d be gutted if a friend hadn’t shared her pregnancy news.
Maybe it’s your sons behaviour.

I think your reasons for going out of contact are valid and understandable. However, you can't expect people to be ready to pick up exactly where you were when you disappeared. Their lives didn't stop while you were gone, they have moved on and changed in the last year. I think maybe you need to be a bit more realistic about rebuilding these friendships. Take one person at a time and take it slowly.

Regardless of the other parts of this, your DS is of an age where he'll start making his own friends through nursery. Worth checking who he plays with and seeing if the DC and DP want to come round for a play date.
It does seem like a lot of miscommunication. If you wanted your DS to have a birthday party - which really meeting other DCs at his age is all it is - then you should have invited people round for this.

A pp said I was making a lot of excuses. All I can say is my mental health is an illness that has been so so awful in the last year. Without going into details about it, suffice to say it's very complex. However, all my friends know I have mental health problems, pre children too so I wasn't aware that anyone was angry with me. I wouldn't expect my friends to tell me everything in their lives big or small, it's up to them.
Things were very different with my son. Everyone knew! But then the pregnancy was a lot more simple.
With the second pregnancy, believe me, it's not easy to be told something could be wrong with the baby which we were told a few times. Plus, I was petrified of losing blood throughout the second pregnancy as I lost 3 litres haemorrhaging when I had my son and had to have a transfusion. I went through a lot of PTSD during the second pregnancy.
With my son's birthday, of course I wanted him to see other children but my husband and I really wanted to see friends too.

On top of everything else, we moved house 3 weeks ago, my husband has started 2 new jobs, my sons just started pre school, I've just started part time work again, we have a 3 month old in the mix, plus I've been through a few health scares recently.

Maybe I have lost friendships. Maybe it's just about accepting that I've caused it. Maybe my spirited son will be the sort of child others don't want at their homes. Or maybe the friends that are understanding of everything are the ones I need to focus on. If it was the other way around, I'd be there for them if they'd had a tough year.

I think your behaviour is understandable and I’m so sorry you had such a hard time. I guess it’s just that your friends’ behaviour is understandable too. I hope your toddler had a nice birthday anyway, and I think you’re right the way forward is a combo of finding new friends and making increased effort with those older friends you really value.

"the other two friends said they couldn't make my son's birthday because they had other plans.*

I'm still not clear whether you arranged a birthday party or not, and if you did, how much notice did you give people. These things need to be explicitly agreed (and booked) if you are relying on people to show up.

Close friends would have contacted you in that period and would welcome you back. If they don't then that's ok, it just means it's a good time to make new friends. Changing circumstances can reveal a lot about the depth of friendships. It's not unusual, I've all but entirely dropped one group of friends who didn't make any effort when circumstances changed; time is in short supply, so I prefer to keep up with old and new friends who value my friendship. A 3 month old plus new pre-school gives you loads of opportunities to meet new people; keep it relaxed and see if any new friends are a better fit.

The two who had other plans; did they each know you'd invited the other one? If friends aren't seeing each other much, I might not mention an invite to avoid "why didn't she ask me" disgruntled, that could be why it happened. Regardless, a 3 yo has lots of fun just with mum and dad, hopefully you did something exciting. I'm not clear what you mean about him being a livewire, how bad his behaviour actually is, maybe take advice from the pre-school about that to judge. If he just needs to learn to settle and take instructions when he's out, try the book "How to talk so kids will listen", it has excellent advice.

Your latest post is still very Me Me Me! Your friends may have mental health issues, or have had a tough year. Have you bothered to ask any of them how they are or about what's going on in their lives or are you expecting them to just flock back to you?

COVID has changed a lot of things for people. The truth is that being in touch with someone virtually just isn’t the same as meeting up face to face,and after a year of that there’s a high chance that some friendships will change.

Added to which you went into hiding, didn’t tell them about your pregnancy, but then expected them to be around when you wanted them to be. It very much sounds as if you want their friendship on your terms.

And while MH issues are definitely understandable, MH problems impact on everyone,and if you have MH problems then there will come a point where others might feel they can’t always be the ones to alter their behaviours to suit what works for you, iyswim.

I would start over. Meet up with people face to face if possible,individually. If that doesn’t work then it’s time to make new friends. Most of us have been there to an extent during the pandemic.

You've got a lot going on in your life at the moment - don't dwell on this too much or overthink it as well, focus on getting your family life on an even keel then rebuild friendships when you're in a more stable place.

I think you're just unlucky this weekend - to be honest if I had plans with a friend, I wouldn't be keen to widen the invitation last minute to someone we hadn't seen for a year, especially if it was her child's birthday. I wouldn't want my catch-up to be derailed into a defacto birthday party for an acquaintance with a 'spirited' child.

But don't write them off altogether, just start the process of reconnecting in a more gradual fashion and don't set your expectations too high.

You say you’d be there for them if they’d had a tough year. But you have no idea if they’ve had a rough year because you haven’t asked.

Have you made an effort to speak to these people via text/FaceTime whilst you were shielding or did you just not speak at all?! If I received a birthday invite from someone I hadn’t seen or heard from for over a year I probably wouldn’t go either - purely because I would assume that I clearly wasn’t that important to that person. Live and learn from this and maybe get yourself to some new mum and baby groups and make new friends

@SophieKaczynsky

Your latest post is still very Me Me Me! Your friends may have mental health issues, or have had a tough year. Have you bothered to ask any of them how they are or about what's going on in their lives or are you expecting them to just flock back to you?

Not at all @SophieKaczynsky I've always been there for friends and even through this tough year, I've still checked in with friends regularly. But as someone said, virtually isn't the same, I acknowledge that. Two of my close friends who also have mental health issues, I did actually tell about the pregnancy and still supported them with their problems. Lots of chats, messages, dropping off treats on their doorstop, etc and a couple of social distanced meet ups. So it wasn't a total friendship boycott.

@Summersun2020

You say you’d be there for them if they’d had a tough year. But you have no idea if they’ve had a rough year because you haven’t asked.

That's not how it was. As I just said, I did stay in regular contact with friends through phone calls and messages. Just not in person with the majority of them.

@User560 I did, yes. See my comments above.

From a personal point of view, covid has made me reevaluate friendships. Its become clear which friends I want to talk to and see when it's harder to do so, so maybe others have felt similar.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time and maybe some friendships have had their day, but with two young children I hope you can create new friendships.

If you want to be friends with them after this long time apart you will need to put in the hard yards.
Your reasons are valid but they have effected your relationships and you need to understand that.
You should be honest with them, tell them why you stopped seeing them and ask whether they are willing to allow you to rebuild your friendship.
Do it one person at a time. Let each person respond individually.
And understand that your "live wire" son will not be seen as such fun by people whose children do what they are told.

I feel that you could legitimately have about six threads running as you have a lot going on in your life at the moment.

It is great that your son is starting pre-school so hopefully that will look after his social needs for the time being.

If you and your husband have just moved and are both starting new jobs maybe it is a good time to just focus on yourselves till say the new year as you are going to need a lot of energy to settle in with your new lives.

I found it interesting that you put He is a live wire and doesn't always like to conform so I do worry that some of my friends might not want him at their homes as a kind of aside at the very end of your post. This may have been a huge issue for your friends, it is hard to tell. If doesn't like to conform means he doesn't do as he is told and runs around being a pain then obviously most people don't appreciate that sort of behaviour in their friend's child.

Howeve, starting pre-school may help all round as he will be more stimulated.

I would put friend worries on hold for a bit and perhaps focus on reaching out to old and new friends in the new year when you are stronger. Best of luck .

I think you need to stop overthinking things. If your friends had other plans or were unwell on your son's birthday, given you hadn't gone out of your way to see them for a while, I am not surprised they cancelled on you. They probably thought it was a pretty informal or just a polite invite, as you arent really close any more, just someone who messages now and then. A birthday is a big thing and people would feel they have to get a present etc.

If you care deeply about keeping those friends then you have to be hard-nosed and just try again and again, invite to a simple coffee and play date at your house; mention you are going to the park, swimming or to soft play and see if they fancy coming along. And apologise and re-explain why you have been put of circulation. Most people have had a tough time, and just because you are ready to get back to normal, you can't expect everyone to suddenly be in the same place when you snap your fingers just because now you're over your issues. It comes across as self-centred.

If your eldest is at nursery I'd personally focus on finding new friends there. New mum friends who know their children like yours. It's probably what your other friends did when you withdrew from them.

Thank you for all the encouraging comments and useful advice. I have actually spent the morning organising something for next weekend with just a couple of friends so I'll go from there. Despite my mental health issues, I'm actually deep down a really sociable person and love seeing friends. I understand that everyone's struggled in the last 18 months especially.

Some comments have been a bit harsh though. If I had a friend who'd gone off the radar because of severe mental health issues related to pregnancy, I wouldn't disown them. Sounds like some people on here take a hard line with their friends. I have 2 friends with anxiety who always cancel because they might be struggling on a particular day. I don't just write them off, I just accept that that's who they are and those are their needs.

Also, do you tell people about pregnancy for them? That seems to me to be the wrong way round. Surely it's about your personal choice? Nobody I know has taken offence as far as I'm aware. In fact, I know of 4 other ladies who have had similar experiences with keeping things quiet. Not everyone is in a place of splashing pregnancy news all over fb!

With my son being a 'live wire' and not conforming. What I really mean is he's an active boy who's just on the go! He's quite strong willed and has had more tantrums recently since his little sister came along. He has only just turned 3. I don't think there's anything abnormal in his behaviour, it's just that I can't think of any friends who have a similar child to him. Their children are all so placid in comparison which just makes my son stand out that bit more. Oh dear! I need to find new friends with lively boys, lol!!