AIBU about his friend

[allthestarsdim]

Name change as have relatives on here.

Used OH phone tonight to message someone.

On his WhatsApp found messages between him and a mutual friend (F).
Have nothing against platonic friendships btw.

These conversations go back a while. At least 2019 from what I can see.

Many of these messages are flirty and sexual innuendo type ones.
Good morning/night messages everyday.
Kisses on every message.
We are talking 10s of messages a day.
Inside jokes and nicknames.

No photos.

Some have bitched about me, my mental health etc.

No mention of meeting up etc l, although they used to meet for coffee a lot pre covid.

I've tried speaking to him, he says she's his best friend and understands him, that's he's done nothing wrong.

AIBU that I think somethings going on and I'm in the right here.

At the very least he's having an emotional affair with F he's spending time and energy on his relationship with her which is presumably time he's not spending on you. YANBU to be upset and thinking about whether you want to continue this relationship.

So you’ve always known his best friend is a woman? Taking a leap here because you say they used to meet for coffee preCovid.

Does she predate you? Or not?

yanbu, if it's flirty and sexual texts it's wrong.

Been down this road OP, it is destructive to your relationship. You should be his best friend and confident and they should not be talking about you behind your back any issues he has about you should be discussed with you how else can you work on any issues if he is telling someone else rather than you.

Doesn't pre date me. We moved to the area about a year after getting married and became neighbours about 12 years ago.
We became a close group (including other neighbours, small cup de sac)

The messages I can see only go from 2019. They are daily.

But yes they used to bump into each other frequently and go for coffee nearly daily.

@Mumwithapub
He has discussed our relationship, his history Hope and plans.
And he seems to be including her into them

@PlanDeRaccordement
I didn't know they were messaging this frequently or that he saw her as his best friend until today

Best friends? I don't text my best friends sexual messages or meet them for coffee every day. Infact I don't even text them everyday!

So, he has a female friend, which is absolutely fine.

If they are flirting then that is not really acceptable, it shows a lack of respect for your relationship. If it's just jokey then that's just friends.

I wouldn't like my husband bitching about my mental health with his mates, but it would depends on what he was actually saying, he does have the right to a friend to talk things over with, but it must be in a respectful way, so if it was bitching that's wrong, If it's talking about his feelings that's fine.

And he seems to be including her into them

How do the future plans involve her ?

I understand the need to talk to a friend about your relationship, but seeing it there in black and white is tough.

Sorry OP I think you know where this is heading.

So you used his phone and then decided to have a good old snoop through his messages? Wow.

Thanks for clearing things up. The “best friend” sounds like an on the spot excuse. If she really were his best friend, you’d have known that long ago and he’d have been transparent with you on the fact they message frequently.

This does sound like an emotional affair to me as well. He may not realise when or how, but they’ve crossed a line from friendship to something more. They’re both to blame here and I’d want him to go no contact with her at the very least.

This is not okay OP YANBU. Whilst I agree you can have the other sex as friends, I wouldnt dream of messaging my male friends being flirty or 10 x a day or meet for coffee daily. I have best friends who I have been friends since childhood and I don't text them everyday. Its an emotional affair.

@thinkbiglittleone
I have no problem with female friends at all. I have make friends.

It's not about his feelings it's about how shit I am and how he does everything. Truth be told he has took on a lot as I have been unwell recently.

It's not jokey flirting. And he admits that he can't stop looking at her in public.

Plans about where he would love to move to, where he wants to visit etc. The total opposite of what we have.

@LukeEvansWife
It's because she sent him a WhatsApp that's how I noticed. No snooping

Sorry but he's investing a lot of time and energy in this relationship. He bitches about you...

Can you leave? Do you have children? This is no way to treat your partner.

You clearly don't trust him so the relationship has run it's course. Snooping through someone's phone is a dealbreaker anyway

Flirty and sexual messages are way beyond friendship. Your husband is totally gaslighting you. Friendship my arse, he is cheating.

[quote allthestarsdim]@LukeEvansWife
It's because she sent him a WhatsApp that's how I noticed. No snooping [/quote]
You said you found them - you clearly read the whole conversation.

He’s being sexual with her. It is cheating. At the very least it’s an emotional affair.

It is a betrayal.

3 children. One step child. Married.

It wasn't snooping as I was messaging someone when her name came up and I was surprised as I haven't heard from her in months.

Flirting messages by the tin but also he's sending messages in the day asking how her day is etc. Every morning and good night ones.
"Xxx" on every message.

You must feel horrible, I'm sorry. He's bang out of order and anyone here saying different must be on the gin

They use sexual innuendo
He can’t stop staring at her
He’s making plans based on her

What more do you need to see before you decide to leave him, OP?