Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about his friend

58 replies

allthestarsdim · 02/10/2021 22:18

Name change as have relatives on here.

Used OH phone tonight to message someone.

On his WhatsApp found messages between him and a mutual friend (F).
Have nothing against platonic friendships btw.

These conversations go back a while. At least 2019 from what I can see.

Many of these messages are flirty and sexual innuendo type ones.
Good morning/night messages everyday.
Kisses on every message.
We are talking 10s of messages a day.
Inside jokes and nicknames.

No photos.

Some have bitched about me, my mental health etc.

No mention of meeting up etc l, although they used to meet for coffee a lot pre covid.

I've tried speaking to him, he says she's his best friend and understands him, that's he's done nothing wrong.

AIBU that I think somethings going on and I'm in the right here.

OP posts:
pelosi · 02/10/2021 22:42

@LukeEvansWife

You clearly don't trust him so the relationship has run it's course. Snooping through someone's phone is a dealbreaker anyway
Thank God she did snoop.
Original poster
allthestarsdim · 02/10/2021 22:42

I feel horrendous. I knew things hadn't been great but still a shock to the system.

He's told her he was thinking of leaving me anyway so that came out of the blue

OP posts:
pelosi · 02/10/2021 22:43

Get your ducks in a row.

What’s the housing situation?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/10/2021 22:43

This isn't remotely okay and you know that. He has done so much wrong, from flirting with her to bitching about you. You deserve more.

lemondrops99 · 02/10/2021 22:43

Nope, no, this is not okay. Biggest red flags are that she doesn't predate you and good morning/goodnight messages. Awful.

You need to get this all out on the table, don't let him off the hook.

Original poster
allthestarsdim · 02/10/2021 22:43

Privately rented in his name only. Sad

OP posts:
thinkbiglittleone · 02/10/2021 22:43

It's not about his feelings it's about how shit I am and how he does everything. Truth be told he has took on a lot as I have been unwell recently.

If he is actually saying you are shit that's pit of order, if he is stating the truth that he had taken on more and is doing everything, leading you to interpret he is saying you are shit, that's different. But yes he's out of line if he's calling you shit.

It's not jokey flirting. And he admits that he can't stop looking at her in public.

Wow, that's a bit full on and wired. You don't say that to a mate, you can say they are good looking but that is just weird.

Plans about where he would love to move to, where he wants to visit etc. The total opposite of what we have

How do they involve her, they sound like it's just his plans.
Yes sadly they seem to differ than the plans you made together, but it does seem like he has checked out of the relationship and you sound like you don't trust him, not a great relationship by the sounds of it.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 02/10/2021 22:45

Sorry to say that your husband is having an affair, no doubt about it. He’s clearly been neglecting your needs so maybe that’s why your mental health has been suffering anyway?

jelly79 · 02/10/2021 22:46

I have so many married platonic male friends. I am a single woman

That would be so completely inappropriate and disrespectful

I'm sorry OP x

Original poster
allthestarsdim · 02/10/2021 22:46

@thinkbiglittleone he called be a c* and an awful mother.

The plans are for both of them. What they will do, how they will live their lives, cut a long story short she says oh make sure I can visit and he says you will be with me lol that type of thing

OP posts:
pelosi · 02/10/2021 22:47

@allthestarsdim

Privately rented in his name only. Sad
Do you have joint savings? I would be transferring half to my own account in case he takes it all.

How old are the kids?

Original poster
allthestarsdim · 02/10/2021 22:47

@thinkbiglittleone and all the things he would do to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
allthestarsdim · 02/10/2021 22:48

@pelosi on joint savings. Separate banks I only get child benefit.

Kids are 9 and 15 (older child a DSD grown)

OP posts:
thinkbiglittleone · 02/10/2021 22:55

Aww, this must be so hard to read. How horrible of him.

Do you have anywhere you and the kids can go and it's his tenancy?

CornishTiger · 02/10/2021 22:55

Make a plan to leave. It’s only private rented so no asset division there.

Sounds like you need to be working. Join the social housing register in your area. Most his as your partner but in the question whether he will be reaccomadated with you tick no.

tensmum1964 · 02/10/2021 22:57

That is so sad and absolutely disgusting from both of them. I never understand women that can find a man remotely attractive who talk about their partner like that. It sounds like the nasty scum bags deserve each other. So sorry you had to read all that. It must have been so painful.

montysma1 · 02/10/2021 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. We've removed this as it quotes a previously deleted post.

montysma1 · 02/10/2021 23:34

Nicer than you love.

Whoopy1 · 02/10/2021 23:36

[quote allthestarsdim]@thinkbiglittleone and all the things he would do to her. [/quote]
He says he has done nothing wrong? When he has messaged her that she will be with him when he travels and all the things he would do to her? Don’t think that really sounds like she’s only a best friend!!

1FootInTheRave · 02/10/2021 23:38

This is way past the realm of friends.

You know, I know, everybody knows.

You're being taken for a mug.

Hattie765 · 02/10/2021 23:42

You can't honestly be in any doubt he's having an affair 🤔 sorry 💐

tensmum1964 · 02/10/2021 23:43

@montysma1

oh piss off
Why Piss off? Maybe the OP is just looking for a bit of support. I think (hope) she knows the score.
MadameMonk · 03/10/2021 00:13

I’d book a couples therapist immediately. And tell him you’ve made a solicitor’s appointment too. Be clear that you are looking into the best strategies for how to tell the kids, at their different ages/stages of development (finding psych help) of your imminent separation. Tell him (calmly) that you won’t be participating in any coverup of why this is all happening, so he’d better start realising that his little ‘secret pleasure’ is going to be the topic of many conversations in the next weeks/months/years. His mum, the neighbours, his coworkers, everyone.

He needs a sharp shock now, and you need to see how he reacts to one. I actually don’t think the marriage is unsavable at this point. But it depends whether he sees this as the start of his new life with her, or if the horror of what he’s losing wins out and he commits to putting his house in order. Then I think there’s a chance.

For me, whilst text-based emotional affairs are horrendous, there may be lines that haven’t been crossed yet. Everyone has their own deal-breakers though, it may or may not have crossed yours. And Covid has created a bonanza in ‘fantasy’ over reality situations.

But rip the lid off this gaslighting pronto. Go nuclear, then see what the fallout tells you? Base everything you do on what he’s done to ‘the marriage’ not directly to you. It can be more powerful.

Mistressofnone · 03/10/2021 08:06

So sorry for you OP it must have been horrible to read. Even if he hasn't been physically unfaithful, he has been totally disloyal, as has your mutual friend. Is she in a relationship herself?

I imagine you must feel that if you leave, he will have the green light to run to her. Whatever outcome is going to be very dark for you for a while but it has to be better than this and you will be happy eventually should you leave.

I would speak to citizens advice.