Please teach me how to go grey rock!

[Movingsoon21]

BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife) are the most awful people. They are negative and rude about absolutely everything and everyone, ruin every nice family occasion with tantrums (yes really, they are in their 30s!), general outright rudeness and/or sulking.

It used to really get to DH, while I was able to ignore it as them being weirdos, I think because I wasn’t too invested, but since DH and I got married, their behaviour has started winding me up hugely and I think I need to take action to make sure they have as little impact on my life as possible.

I should say we are already fairly low contact - only see them at family gatherings, and DH is adamant he doesn’t want to go no contact as it would break his parents’ hearts. His parents and his sister agree with us that they are awful but as BIL is PIL son, they are keen to keep a relationship no matter what. They do struggle with them but just ignore the tantrums and comments - they call it “taking the high road”, then call us later in tears! We have made it clear not to organise small family get-togethers between us and them as they generally end in disaster and a huge argument (or at least one of them throwing a tantrum).

There have been quite a few big family life events recently which unfortunately has meant the family WhatsApp group has been a lot more active than usual and we’ve also had to meet up more than usual.

I’ve been on here long enough to know that grey rock is advised when you have to spend time with people you can’t stand. I can manage it no problem when it’s just small talk at a gathering but how on earth do you keep cool when people are directly rude to you (either in person or over WhatsApp)?! I really struggle with holding back, so I end up saying something like “that was really rude!” And then they kick off massively! I’m sure many of you will say “so what? Let them kick off!” But it actually leads to a horrible atmosphere and I nearly always regret it as it ends up lowering me to their level.

So any tips for how to deal with direct rude comments, grey-rock style? TIA!

Does nobody else struggle with situations like this?!

They sound ghastly with an adverse impact upon everyone As an aside Hate the expression grey rock
You don’t rise to the provocation (it’ll be hard) & practice some platitudes to keep convo light
Have some prerehearsed excuses and props that allow you to exit or break the interaction. Just got to check on a delivery I’m expecting..if you excuse me I’m going to take an urgent call etc. Plausible excuses obviously
None of those clearly staged stock phrases like did you mean to be so rude? Only on mn is it a withering put down

I’ve never seen the point of family WhatsApp groups. I’m only in groups with friends.

Grey rocking is not about not standing up for yourself when someone is being rude. That's just being a doormat. Grey rocking is about giving them as little info as possible about your life in order to detach and avoid confrontation. Once you're in the middle of a conflict and harsh words have been exchanged it's too late for that.

I would avoid them like the plague, but keep calling them out on their rudenesss when it happens. Douchebags thrive because too many meek people accomodate them.

Given it’s her extended family on WhatsApp they already have information & detail
I imagine what op wants is reduce their impact and not be drawn into confrontation

Yes I would call out rudeness I have done with my mother. As regards grey rock say little. Yes no answers. I learnt hard way with family. The less they know the better

Literally avoid them.
Just say hello when you see them so nobody can accuse you of being rude, but move to another part of the room if you can and don’t initiate conversations with them. If they speak to you, keep it short and sweet.
They sound like attention seeking drama llama’s and for that sort of folk even negative attention = still attention. If they start to kick off, literally walk away. Refuse to even listen to it.

can you give us an example? might help to better understand the situation. How do their tantrums actually manifest themselves?

Calling outonly works if it introduces shame or contrition and self reflection
Calling out actually just escalates arguing and gripes and in anger things are heated.

I have an absolutely awful BIL and SIL. When we are forced together at Christmas and family events I pretend they don't exist. I'll say hello or give one word replies and that's it. Other than that I just make myself busy and try my hardest to never be in the same room as them or at least never be alone with them. I'll talk to other guests, play with the dogs, make myself a nice drink and avoid them like they have the plague.

@SirenSays

I have an absolutely awful BIL and SIL. When we are forced together at Christmas and family events I pretend they don't exist. I'll say hello or give one word replies and that's it. Other than that I just make myself busy and try my hardest to never be in the same room as them or at least never be alone with them. I'll talk to other guests, play with the dogs, make myself a nice drink and avoid them like they have the plague.

Yes that’s spot on. Cold,cordial unengaged

Ffs just leave the what’s app group and converse directly with those you want to

Honestly WhatsApp is the thing of the devil when it permits a sodding family group.

Wake up! Literally nobody gives a shit what you’re up to, live your life and share the best moments not the minutiae

That last bit was to the idiots who think these groups are a good idea.

Thanks @MzHzMz, think it would go down like a lead balloon with PIL if I just left the group, and I’d end up looking like the one causing drama to extended aunts/ uncles etc!

But I could definitely stop sharing news on there and share it individually with people instead. And get DH to share info directly with his brother (leaving me and SIL out of it!) . Honestly an example would be DH sending a message to the group saying “we’re engaged” - everyone in the group responds to say “congrats!” “Great news!” Etc, all normal nice things. BIL just won’t reply at all, leaving DH feeling crap that his brother doesn’t care about him at all, and SIL would reply just saying something like “hope the wedding won’t be next year as that’s when ours is, although we know you guys just love copying everything we do!”

@SirenSays that sounds like what I’ll have to do. Do yours ever get the chance to be directly rude to you? And if so, how do you handle it?

@SirenSays

I have an absolutely awful BIL and SIL. When we are forced together at Christmas and family events I pretend they don't exist. I'll say hello or give one word replies and that's it. Other than that I just make myself busy and try my hardest to never be in the same room as them or at least never be alone with them. I'll talk to other guests, play with the dogs, make myself a nice drink and avoid them like they have the plague.

That's how I cope with my dad's wife too. If I'm making a cuppa for everyone, of course I offer her one. We sit at dinner and she talks, I nod. I say nothing about my life and offer no opinions on anything. I think she knows something is not right but I don't really care as she is only interested in people doing what she thinks is the right thing and doesn't give a stuff for their feelings - so I reciprocate in a neutral disengaged way.

Oh and I did exit a 'family' groups on whatsapp that someone had put me into without my permission. I never explained it.

Go full Miss Marple. Whenever someone says anything she always replies “That’s interesting” and turn away. Even if someone is rude to your face - tilt your head to one side just say “That’s interesting or “Oh really” and walk away.

I'd directly ignore the jibe
Her 'I hope your wedding isn't next year etc'
Me 'thanks everyone for your congratulations and cards, it's so kind of you! We'll let everyone know as soon as we've decided on the perfect date'

And then mute the convo for a few days

I don't really give them a chance tbh, they're horrible people so I'm really quite blatant about it.

I'll give a very basic response when they speak like - Ha, nice, really.. and then turn and immediately get distracted like Oops out of champagne and leave the room or asking the host to tell me about their new flowers or whatever with full enthusiasm. In a WhatsApp message they wouldn't get more than an emoji out of me.

Yes I think I have to really convince myself that calling them out won’t actually do anything. I always have this hope it will make them see the light and how rude they are, but it actually just makes them extra defensive, so then they lash out and things escalate!

Find it so so difficult to ignore but maybe I just need to take a leaf out of some of your books!

Sorry @SirenSays one more question for you! Do you/ your DH ever have to message them with news? Or have to reply to their news? This is when we have most of our interactions. E.g. “our baby has just been born!”

I guess in future I could just reply with “congratulations!” to all messages from them rather than anything further like “can’t wait for the wedding/to meet the baby!”
And then get my DH to message his brother only when we have news, so I don’t have to see/deal with the rude response?!

Also, sorry to everyone that had a similar situation - it’s crap! Have to say it’s making me feel a bit better that there are other people dealing with this shit and DH and I are not alone!

@SirenSays I like how your examples are all champagne, dogs, and flowers!

I sometimes have to pass on news like when a family member was in a car accident, then I just gave them a basic bullet point list.
X was in a car accident. Will be in surgery on.. please call x after... And leave it as that. No emotion, just facts.
When I'm sharing positive things I post in the family chat with a general nice message for everyone and try to forget they exist lol.
When they share their news like an engagement I'd literally send Congrats 🥂 and that's it.