Please teach me how to go grey rock!

[Movingsoon21]

BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife) are the most awful people. They are negative and rude about absolutely everything and everyone, ruin every nice family occasion with tantrums (yes really, they are in their 30s!), general outright rudeness and/or sulking.

It used to really get to DH, while I was able to ignore it as them being weirdos, I think because I wasn’t too invested, but since DH and I got married, their behaviour has started winding me up hugely and I think I need to take action to make sure they have as little impact on my life as possible.

I should say we are already fairly low contact - only see them at family gatherings, and DH is adamant he doesn’t want to go no contact as it would break his parents’ hearts. His parents and his sister agree with us that they are awful but as BIL is PIL son, they are keen to keep a relationship no matter what. They do struggle with them but just ignore the tantrums and comments - they call it “taking the high road”, then call us later in tears! We have made it clear not to organise small family get-togethers between us and them as they generally end in disaster and a huge argument (or at least one of them throwing a tantrum).

There have been quite a few big family life events recently which unfortunately has meant the family WhatsApp group has been a lot more active than usual and we’ve also had to meet up more than usual.

I’ve been on here long enough to know that grey rock is advised when you have to spend time with people you can’t stand. I can manage it no problem when it’s just small talk at a gathering but how on earth do you keep cool when people are directly rude to you (either in person or over WhatsApp)?! I really struggle with holding back, so I end up saying something like “that was really rude!” And then they kick off massively! I’m sure many of you will say “so what? Let them kick off!” But it actually leads to a horrible atmosphere and I nearly always regret it as it ends up lowering me to their level.

So any tips for how to deal with direct rude comments, grey-rock style? TIA!

Not quite the same but when I'm struggling with my ridiculously self-absorbed family I play a game where I keep my mouth closed (other than for wine) as long as I possibly can to wait to see if they ask me anything, want to know my news, ask my opinion. It's usually hours and hours. If I'm asked something like 'is dinner ready' I'll smile and head to the kitchen to hide.

I started this after I found that I was hardly ever spoken to properly, and if I ever tried to join the conversation or make a comment it was spoken over or ignored in favour of them launching into another monologue.

I know it seems petty but it gets me through and quite frankly I think they are happier about it as they feel like they've had a really good chat

Don’t worry about the texts or WhatsApp- send a card to the kids directly

IF anyone says anything, remind them that the baby and a 2yo don’t have mobiles yet, so you’ve posted a card etc etc

Just shrug this shit off, make them look unhinged …

Thanks @MzHz I think that’s right re birthdays. I just dread them sending a thank you message afterwards as it’s always got a nasty jibe in there! but at least I have learned from this thread to just not respond to that or to respond to a neutral message with just an emoji so it kills the conversation before it turns nasty!

@CouldWeStartAgainPlease it’s so crap of them, isn’t it! How can they not notice?!

Agree with the Miss Marple approach!
They are probably unhappy people. Always responding with negatives usually means envy at some level ime

@CoronaPeroni oh they are definitely very unhappy people. Just wish they’d let others help them rather than lashing out all the time!

Just hope this doesn’t mean we have no relationship with our nieces and nephews

Learn to feel contempt for them.

Once you have that, the rest falls into place.

I think you are just in the process of accepting they aren't ever going to see the light and become nice people. Once that has well and truly hit home complete with zero hope for anything more ever... You might find it easier to not engage and use these brilliant suggestions on this thread. You need to abandon hope! 🙈

@Movingsoon21

Thanks *@MzHz* I think that’s right re birthdays. I just dread them sending a thank you message afterwards as it’s always got a nasty jibe in there! but at least I have learned from this thread to just not respond to that or to respond to a neutral message with just an emoji so it kills the conversation before it turns nasty!

👍🏻 Is your best mate in this endeavour

[quote Movingsoon21]@CoronaPeroni oh they are definitely very unhappy people. Just wish they’d let others help them rather than lashing out all the time![/quote]
They don’t want help, they want the drama and the martyrdom

Re the kids, don’t be too bothered if you don’t end up seeing them much

Atm they’re too little to be mini-me versions of their awful parents, but give them time

PLUS… people like your in-laws will use them as weapons to keep pulling you in to feed their need for attention

@MzHz that’s a good description re using the children as weapons, hadn’t thought of it like that before. That’s definitely what happens with PIL - they are terrified of losing contact with the DGC so will never call BIL and SIL out on their behaviour.

I guess I’ll just smile at the kids and interact with them nicely if they come to me as they get older. So sad to think I won’t have a proper relationship with my niece and nephew I have to say, I do sometimes worry that they will grow into mini me versions of the parents, in which case I actively wouldn’t want them around my kids. Terrible to say but it’s the sad truth.

I guess I’ll just smile at the kids and interact with them nicely if they come to me as they get older. So sad to think I won’t have a proper relationship with my niece and nephew sad I have to say, I do sometimes worry that they will grow into mini me versions of the parents, in which case I actively wouldn’t want them around my kids. Terrible to say but it’s the sad truth.

Once you accept that this may happen, you will be better able to cope with their passive aggressiveness.

Just always remember Miss Marple is your alter-ego...... and never take their bait

Send actual cards to the kids then there's no initial interaction

Wait til the kids are crawling or free or with another adult and get down on their level. Much harder to talk to an adult that way...