Please teach me how to go grey rock!

[Movingsoon21]

BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife) are the most awful people. They are negative and rude about absolutely everything and everyone, ruin every nice family occasion with tantrums (yes really, they are in their 30s!), general outright rudeness and/or sulking.

It used to really get to DH, while I was able to ignore it as them being weirdos, I think because I wasn’t too invested, but since DH and I got married, their behaviour has started winding me up hugely and I think I need to take action to make sure they have as little impact on my life as possible.

I should say we are already fairly low contact - only see them at family gatherings, and DH is adamant he doesn’t want to go no contact as it would break his parents’ hearts. His parents and his sister agree with us that they are awful but as BIL is PIL son, they are keen to keep a relationship no matter what. They do struggle with them but just ignore the tantrums and comments - they call it “taking the high road”, then call us later in tears! We have made it clear not to organise small family get-togethers between us and them as they generally end in disaster and a huge argument (or at least one of them throwing a tantrum).

There have been quite a few big family life events recently which unfortunately has meant the family WhatsApp group has been a lot more active than usual and we’ve also had to meet up more than usual.

I’ve been on here long enough to know that grey rock is advised when you have to spend time with people you can’t stand. I can manage it no problem when it’s just small talk at a gathering but how on earth do you keep cool when people are directly rude to you (either in person or over WhatsApp)?! I really struggle with holding back, so I end up saying something like “that was really rude!” And then they kick off massively! I’m sure many of you will say “so what? Let them kick off!” But it actually leads to a horrible atmosphere and I nearly always regret it as it ends up lowering me to their level.

So any tips for how to deal with direct rude comments, grey-rock style? TIA!

Do whatever is going to help you keep your sanity.
It’s self preservation.
Im a big fan of the miss marple approach advocated by @GinIronic but do what works for you. I go full robot when I have to speak to my drama llama ILs either that or just go off and play with the kids or talk to nice people.

And as for the WhatsApp group. Mute it. Just don’t bother with it at all

Oh and have your wedding whenever the f&@k you like. Make it the weekend before theirs if it suits you. Congratulations!

@GinIronic

Go full Miss Marple. Whenever someone says anything she always replies “That’s interesting” and turn away. Even if someone is rude to your face - tilt your head to one side just say “That’s interesting or “Oh really” and walk away.

This. And don't expect anything nice from them. You know they're not happy for you when you have good news so why put yourself in a frame of mind where you know you'll end up bring disappointed and/or upset.

If they share good news, ignore if minor, respond with one word 'congratulations' if big/important. The example you gave about your engagement - your SIL was clearly baiting you, so don't take the bait.

Whenever possible ignore them entirely. You can ignore them even in situations where social mores dictate that you shouldn't. Because they are rude fickers who do not deserve social niceties or consideration.

Your PIL agree that BIL and SIL are awful... that means you're halfway there! It's far worse when you're dealing with a golden child and you're left feeling that you're going mad.

Draw a line in the sand. You don't need to see BIL and SIL anymore. It doesn't mean going NC/LC with your PIL, but you are absolutely entitled to say that you'll only see them on their own, and not at a group gathering with BIL and SIL.

Nobody will tackle this while you just keep "coping" with it, so don't. Step away.

And as for your PIL calling you in tears looking for emotional support, nip that in the bud right now. They are old enough to tackle their own son's behaviour directly. Leave them to find their own path... cope or tackle.

I have a SIL like this (DH's brothers wife). She's a bit better now I let her 'take over' his side of the family and disengaged from the lot of them. But she used to be awful. I rarely saw her except at family parties but she'd always get a jibe in, "Don't you think x's kitchen is much bigger than this one?" (After we'd done an extension... Left my parents open mouthed!) or "Aren't they potty trained yet?" (1yo twins) "My DD was using the potty by this time." (Outright lie). She's often lied about me but I decided a long time ago to just ignore it because half the time I don't even know what's been said, just that people are being weird with me. And to trust she will out herself to them. I think that does happen and her relationship with the family is a bit up and down, though way more involved than mine is. I have my own very nice, not dysfunctional family who I'd much rather invest my time and effort into. So yes, I don't engage. I called her out once a very long time ago. I had all sorts of evidence to prove the lies but it made no difference at all in the long term so I've let it go now. Emotional distance is very freeing.

@FlowerArranger I think I do have to accept that they will never be happy for us I always hope it will be different - surely when it’s something this important/happy? But no, it never is and I’m always disappointed!

Think I need to finally accept they actively don’t want good things to happen to us. So horrible when it’s family!

@altforvarmt I would love to say that but DH refuses to - he says it would be too upsetting for his parents to not have their kids all together ever, eg for their birthdays etc.

I think you need to prioritise. If you want good relationships PIL you can come off the whatsapp group and blame new phone, phone storage etc. If you want to keep everyone else happy and not offend, stay on WhatsApp but take the hit with your mental health.

Or set up a chat for a common interest you have with some of the nicer relatives to ask for advice on something, be it decorating, cat's behaviour, a recipe, work situation.

@altforvarmt

Your PIL agree that BIL and SIL are awful... that means you're halfway there! It's far worse when you're dealing with a golden child and you're left feeling that you're going mad.

Draw a line in the sand. You don't need to see BIL and SIL anymore. It doesn't mean going NC/LC with your PIL, but you are absolutely entitled to say that you'll only see them on their own, and not at a group gathering with BIL and SIL.

Nobody will tackle this while you just keep "coping" with it, so don't. Step away.

And as for your PIL calling you in tears looking for emotional support, nip that in the bud right now. They are old enough to tackle their own son's behaviour directly. Leave them to find their own path... cope or tackle.

This is very wise advice.

Grey rock-ing is almost a decision you make on your part not to engage with their BS.

So they say something goady, you basically change the interaction by not giving them what they're looking for, e.g a vague 'oh that's interesting. Oh look, X has arrived" (neutral tone, you take the conversation where you want). Its very unsatisfying for them, and puts you back in control however infuriating they are being (which you can rant about later). But the decision to not engage can be blissful!

[quote Movingsoon21]@altforvarmt I would love to say that but DH refuses to - he says it would be too upsetting for his parents to not have their kids all together ever, eg for their birthdays etc.[/quote]
So your DH - who you say has been wound up by them for years - can choose to continue to engage with them and continue to be wound up by them.

But you and your DH are not joined at the hip. What do you want to do for yourself, for your own peace of mind? Genuinely. You say they wind you up hugely. Do you want to find strategies where you can be subjected to their comments but it no longer winds you up? Or do you want to decide that life is too short to keep unnecessarily facing unpleasant people. It's absolutely up to you.

But between the family gatherings to satisfy your DH and your PIL, and coping with the WhatsApp group to satisfy your DH and your PIL, I'm not seeing much evidence that you or your DH are prioritising your wellbeing.

You could be facing this behaviour for decades...

Weighing in with the Miss Marple theme. She had a useful phrase. "So many things are difficult."

@DismantledKing

I’ve never seen the point of family WhatsApp groups. I’m only in groups with friends.

That is a shame. Family WhatsApp groups are fab when the families get on. I’m in several and I love it.

I’m sorry it’s not worked out for you

[quote Movingsoon21]@altforvarmt I would love to say that but DH refuses to - he says it would be too upsetting for his parents to not have their kids all together ever, eg for their birthdays etc.[/quote]
I am assuming your PIL are grown adults. Why on earth is not having everyone together in the same room 'upsetting'? It's not as if someone has died after all. Are they unable to accept that they cannot have it all their own way without causing problems?

Can you just mute notifications for the group and just not read the messages? If anyone needs to get any info to you urgently , surely they'll just ring you?

Just don’t use the group. Don’t respond to anything on there
People like you bil & sil won’t change and don’t care. Leave them to it and engage as little as possible. You can’t argue with stupid as they say

@Movingsoon21

Does nobody else struggle with situations like this?!

No. I hit a magical age when I just stopped caring, and when people starting doing things I dislike I just walk off. Especially ones who aren't related to me. They're not my family, so I have no interest. I don't join in other-people's-family whatsapps and don't go to their events. If I do end up at events and I don't like the conversation/energy/someone's behaviour, I just walk off.

If either of these losers started mouthing off or asking shit questions, I'd be found wandering off into the garden to look at a flower or taking pictures of interesting trees. What are they gonna do, follow you? Keep asking?

With my mother, I just say "I don't know" to everything. It's good fun. She's getting all irate demanding to know how much something was, or where I bought it from, or how much I earn, or why I don't do weird 1970s things, and I just say "I don't know" to it all - she can't argue with it and runs out of steam eventually.

Grey rock is fun because when you give them no material to work they have to keep escalating over themselves and end up in a real red-faced huff.

I just use "mm-hmm" when I'm grey-rocking. You make a noise but don't even need to worry about words!

I would use responses like:
OK
Thats nice
How interesting
Cool

And then just move on and talk to someone else.

Sorry to resurrect my own thread but have thought of another specific situation I have difficulty with working out what to do, which is interacting with their young children. They have a baby and a 2 year old, who are obviously very much still tied to their parents. So if I want to interact with the kids in any way, I have to go through the parents. This is the case either remotely (like I want to ask after them or wish them happy birthday) or in person (like I want to say hello to them or play with them).

If I am “grey rocking” the parents, can I realistically have any interaction with the kids? Maybe when they’re older they will come over to play with me or chat to me separately at big family events, but at the moment they are either held by or sat next to their parents at all times.

Feels wrong to ignore them but if I do interact I won’t be able to avoid a conversation with the parents, which always turns negative/nasty

how on earth do you keep cool when people are directly rude to you (either in person or over WhatsApp)

Learning not to react or engage is too difficult to learn in a situation where you are already triggered, so you practice in other, similar but easy situations and work your way up to the hard stuff.
Another tactic is to take a time out before you respond, and change the way you respond. Instead of trying to fix your SIL, or explain where she went wrong, or tell her how you feel; you let it go and pretened to agree with her. (You know you don't really agree with her.)
Just respond ''OK!'' or 'You are probably right''. Instead of letting her provoke a row, you take the wind out of her sails.

There are self help books that can help;
www.vogue.com/article/life-changing-magic-of-not-giving-an-f

thepowermoves.com/the-good-psychopath-guide/

Hard with kids involved agree. I tried grey rock with my mother. But not the solution either she just gets more argumentative etc when I do see her.

Thanks @Thelnebriati - think I need to work on this now before I next see them as the provocation happens around 80% of the time, so hopefully I’ll be prepared.

@Mary46 sorry you’re going through that - must be so hard when it’s your own mum!

Thanks @Movingsoon21 yes was always difficult. It does hurt me when u see other nice normal families what u missing