To think DP should have helped?

[Darkautumnmorning]

Had a bad night with the baby and overslept a bit. It wasn’t loads but enough to make everything a bit rushed and frantic.

I asked DP if he could drop the baby off at nursery and he made noises about wanting to clean the house before a viewing we are having this morning. So I asked if he could dress baby instead which he did but then came and put the baby in with me, meaning I was trying to get ready with a ten month old crawling around and constantly climbing up my leg wanting cuddles.

I’m feeling really cross but not sure if just a bit stressed after last night.

I think therefore the only fair thing is that tonight DP picks up our baby. He will do the bath and put him to bed and when he wakes in the night will be the one to go to him. I have a lot of stress with the house viewing so will stay in bed an hour later. Then as DP tries to get dressed and take baby to nursery I will Hoover the hall. The stress of this is horrendous and I feel terrible for not relieving DP of this sooner. Thanks, MN

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YA ABSOLUTELY NBU. And agree with other posters that he isn’t ‘helping’ he is parenting (or should be…)

The priority is with the person who has to go to work in an office or wherever. Surely a bit of compassion for op having had a shit night with a baby and overslept. Her husband didn’t have anywhere to be, why couldn’t he tidy up with a baby give op time to get dressed and perhaps be kind as she’s likely tired and yes a bit stressed. He gets one 2 minute job and his parenting duties are done for the day. Hardly fair, given he still had an hour after op left to sort house & a flexible day.

Op I think a bit of team work would help you here. Both of you need to keep the house as ‘view ready’ as you can. Yes it’s stressful moving but we’ve all done it. Harder working full time with a young baby but that’s the choice you’ve both made to relocate. Putting your child in a safe space isn’t bad parenting, at 10 months he does need to learn to amuse himself for a few minutes, no different than him sitting on the floor with some toys. I have 4 kids so once you have more you’ll need to learn to leave one unsettled now and again to deal with another one they are never happy all at the same time.

Maybe tonight you could talk to your partner, not about this specific incident. But about how you feel that you are doing all the parenting and its too much

I actually agree with your sarcastic comment a few posts back - switch the responsibilities over so you tidy up for the viewing and he sorts the kids in the morning.

This isn't about being late - you seem to be upset about the division of labour more generally. Being late just exacerbated it this morning. If he thinks tidying up for a viewing is equivalent to childcare in the mornings, it shouldn't matter which set of chores he takes.

TBF I think it was just a stressed morning for you both, we have those too, we both leave the house at the same time and have to get a 5 yr old and a 15 month old sorted, there's many a 'Baby don't grab that' 'big one find your shoes' stress, both of us fighting for the mirror/wardrobe/finding a baby sock.

Totally sideline though - our nursery lets you take a full pack of nappies in and they let you know when running low - it makes me feel so much less 'argh' about packing his back as its one less this to keep on top of - could you ask if they'd do that? Takes something off your to do list

It isn’t always possible to get everything ready for morning.
I can’t brush my teeth and go to sleep in my work clothes

rapidly losing sympathy here. Don't be obtuse.

Ok. People are focusing on the getting ready with baby Vs hoovering the hall with baby. OP if you had included in your op that you are also dropping baby off, picking them up, feeding, bathing and putting to bed, then getting up all through the night for night feeds, while your DP chooses the 20 minutes you have to get ready as the perfect time to hoover the hall instead of waiting until you were ready or had left, you might have got a different response.
My DH is a bit like this - if there's a thing he knows is on his to do list, nothing else matters until he gets that thing done, it's like he can't alter his focus to take in changes in situation.
I think later you need to have a good, calm talk with him about how tired and stressed you were feeling this morning, and what he needs to do to even out the load.

Actually I agree it’s fair to take nights about with the baby waking providing obviously he isn’t wanting breast fed.

Unless your house is immaculate prepping for a viewing is more than hoovering a hall though you’re being extremely dismissive of what is a huge undertaking.

However wfh does NOT mean you have nowhere to go as someone suggested so can we knock that right on the head now please.

When is this viewing btw?

The responses on here are absolutely mad.

OP was up in the night which is the absolute pits.

DP should obviously have helped more.

OK, you should be a team, and pulling together to get stuff done, and this doesn't seem to have happened here, and that is contributing to your stress levels.

However, both you and DH are busy today. You both have a full days work to do, he also has to get the house ready for a viewing in addition to his days work. There's also a child to get dressed and drop to nursery, which it seems is something you normally do.

His day is busy and planned out, your day is busy and planned out. You overslept, meaning that your plans slipped and you were running late. Your expectation seems to be that the consequences of your oversleeping should be moved from you, to your DH, so that he picks up some of the tasks that it had been planned for you to do, whilst you carry on your day on time. He would be then running behind plan, because he'd taken on these additional tasks. If he has capacity to take on additional tasks, then of course he should do so. But if he doesn't surely it is the person who overslept who's day should be disrupted, not the day of the person who didn't oversleep?

I think there may well be a bigger issue for you to sort in terms of division of labour. When you're both working full time then night wakings/nursery drop offs/childcare and housework should all be shared out fairly between both of you.

As an aside, popping a baby back in their cot with some toys to play with while you get dressed is absolutely fine. They won't scream the house down, just play with the toys for a bit. You can chat along to them whilst you get dressed.

I also think that one thing i've learned (I am ancient) over the years is that if you wake up late, instead of rushing around trying to do everything in double quick time and multi tasking is to follow the usual routine (not dawdling around and taking the piss) and accept that you are going to be late (and accept any bollocking etc)

it is shit when you're knackered and your perception is that the other adult in your relationship isn't pulling their weight. But that is a discussion for a calmer time.

I also don't get that the fathers don't do equal night time stuff. Mine always did even when i was on mat leave, and i did when he was on pat leave.

“A day off doing my hair - wtf”

You overslept. You. Not him. I’d expect you to figure out how to fix it, and in my world that would be stick hair in ponytail, quickly get dressed (can be done in ninety seconds) and if necessary you put the baby in the cot. You don’t get to oversleep then push the consequences on to him and insist on some kind of perfect parenting (don’t ever have a second child!) and your husband dropping his plans so you have your full getting ready time and a baby that never has to be upset for a minute.

By all means if there is a wider issue with division of labour/night wakings etc then address that. He should be doing his fair share of parenting, pick ups and night wakings. But on the basis of your op I think you’re unreasonable about this particular aspect.

@Darkautumnmorning

I was feeling a bit aggrieved. I now know the extent of my unreasonableness.

I think therefore the only fair thing is that tonight DP picks up our baby. He will do the bath and put him to bed and when he wakes in the night will be the one to go to him. I have a lot of stress with the house viewing so will stay in bed an hour later. Then as DP tries to get dressed and take baby to nursery I will Hoover the hall. The stress of this is horrendous and I feel terrible for not relieving DP of this sooner. Thanks, MN

Well said.

@CheesyWeez

The responses on here are absolutely mad.

OP was up in the night which is the absolute pits.

DP should obviously have helped more.

I think there must be some kind of a mans group on here, or something. Quite a few threads these days fill up with absolute bullshit in terms of understanding.

This thread is bonkers

Why do you need 20 minutes to dry your hair and get dressed? If you've overslept surely you can get ready for work a bit quicker?

Sounds like you value your own time much more than you value your DHs. He had things to do, one of you had to watch the baby — if you're so determined he can't be left for a single second in his cot to play safely - well that's a decision you've made and you've got to deal with the consequences.

Are you this snippy and dismissive with your DH in your everyday lives as you are with people here?

I think there must be some kind of a mans group on here, or something. Quite a few threads these days fill up with absolute bullshit in terms of understanding.

This isn't one of them. OP is being utterly ridiculous to expect someone to help because she slept in. Shit happens, you just crack on. There was no huge crisis. She has a baby and wanted to dry her hair ffs. Save this kind of comment for the kind of thread and man that deserves it.

YANBU for needing his help this morning, but when he came up with the baby, did you say something? I would just have said to my dh, 'I'm not ready yet, can you take him for a while'. And there would have been no issue. Maybe the tiniest debate while we both grumbled about whose need for time was more pressing. But then it would become clear.. Job's a good'un.

P. S. And to make it clear, yes, I agree that your need was more pressing than his if you had to leave the house for work. Empathy too, from another one that does all the night wakings with my 9 mth old (breastfeeding).

You overslept. You. Not him. I’d expect you to figure out how to fix it, and in my world that would be stick hair in ponytail, quickly get dressed (can be done in ninety seconds) and if necessary you put the baby in the cot. You don’t get to oversleep then push the consequences on to him and insist on some kind of perfect parenting (don’t ever have a second child!) and your husband dropping his plans so you have your full getting ready time and a baby that never has to be upset for a minute.

And in the real world, your partner steps in where he can to enable you to get out the door, especially when a part of that is a child that is his too.
Just read this thread to my partner as I couldn’t believe the responses. He said ‘but she was late for work, of course he should have looked after the baby’.

*running late for work

Sounds stressful. I’m the same as you OP I never go to work without shower or doing hair regardless of sleeping in etc. I think your husband will be stressed out with impending viewers. I found that sooo stressful and last time we sold I set myself impossible standards. Mopping and hoovering before every viewing. I was never done cleaning and changing the bed as I didn’t want it to look crumpled for viewers. I was ridiculously unrealistic getting up at 5 to clean every viewing day.

For what it’s worth I think your husband should have recognised you slept in because of being up with baby. He should have taken the baby to let you get ready in peace. It wouldn’t have killed him to take baby to nursery. Hope you get the house sold soon! x

How do things work every other morning? Does he have the baby while you get dressed normally?

He should have just taken the baby to nursery.

In future, why don't you both just tidy the house the night before a viewing?

Does he do any nights or do you do them all? Next time I'd wake him up halfway through if you're having a truly awful one so you can share the load and not be exhausted.

I think given the circumstances something had to give, and I would probably sacrifice my own grooming. Getting baby ready and sorting out the house should be the priority on this particular day. If there wasn't a house viewing then my response would be different.