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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

56 replies

Chatterboxxy · 30/09/2021 22:35

A friend has a big birthday coming up. She's asked for a gift from our group that would be £30 each. Would it be unreasonable to message and ask her to choose something else, because we are only willing to spend £20 each

OP posts:
Seriallover · 30/09/2021 22:42

£30 each for a big birthday. Are you all tight up?

Is there a back story?!

myadhdusername · 30/09/2021 22:45

Such a weird situation! She’s asked for a gift? I must admit I don’t have a ‘friendship group’ but is that the norm?

R0tational · 30/09/2021 22:46

Vouchers to contribute to it??
Rude of her!

MissCruellaDeVil · 30/09/2021 22:47

I would have thought that's about normal for a big birthday?

user1473878824 · 30/09/2021 22:49

How many people is this being split over? If it’s two of you it might be a bit tight but if it’s ten people and the extra is £100 that’s a bit excessive.

seaandsandcastles · 30/09/2021 22:53

I mean, it’s only an extra tenner 🤷‍♀️

WorraLiberty · 30/09/2021 22:56

Sorry, I can't get my head round her asking for a gift.

How did that come about? Is it normal in your circle of friends? Did anyone ask her to choose something and get back to you all?

Original poster
Chatterboxxy · 30/09/2021 22:56

We asked her what she wanted, and she sent a pic. On discussion one person in our group said she would only out in £20, although the rest of us would be happy to pay the extra. It's just an awkward situation now. I think she has her heart set on it.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 30/09/2021 22:59

Nobody should ever be shamed for not being able to afford something. £30 might not sound much but if you've got a ton of other birthdays to pay out for then it can all add up.

WorraLiberty · 30/09/2021 22:59

But surely the poor woman would be embarrassed?

Tbh, whoever asked her to choose a gift should've given her a rough price range and the person not wanting to contribute more than £20, should've said so before she chose.

HeddaGarbled · 30/09/2021 23:04

Sounds like you’d be willing, between the rest of you, to make up the shortfall from the person who can only afford £20, so that’s what I’d recommend. People have different incomes and circumstances - it’s OK to chip in different amounts.

PinkSyCo · 30/09/2021 23:05

I’m far from well off but would be more than happy to put £30 towards a gift that my friend really wanted for a big birthday. I think you’re being a bit tight to be honest.

Howshouldibehave · 30/09/2021 23:06

How many of you are there?

ThinWomansBrain · 30/09/2021 23:07

Don't see the problem
I chose something I really really wanted for my 50th (v unusual for me & friendship group).
People put in what they wanted, we used one friend's membership card to get a discount and I made up the difference.
Then took everyone for afternoon tea at a hotel near the museum.

Limejuiceandrum · 30/09/2021 23:07

Weird
All of it

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2021 23:08

This is why if there's a grotto of you who buy each other, you agree a budget

WorraLiberty · 30/09/2021 23:08

I don't think it's 'tight' because people have different disposable incomes.

But it was really badly organised and the woman should've been told the budget.

She might be mortified if the OP gets back to her and tells her to choose something cheaper.

Original poster
Chatterboxxy · 30/09/2021 23:09

I agree we should have given a price range. It's thrown everything pear shaped! There are 5 of us, and only one thinks £30 is too much. I would happily cover the extra myself, but then that becomes awkward too!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2021 23:09

If you're all happy to pay £30 plus x/10 then get it, but clearly don't tell friend "but Emily said she's only putting in £20"

Burnamer · 30/09/2021 23:09

What’s normal for your group OP? That really matters here. If you’re all HMWI and normally spend £500 on each other then yabu but if you normally spend £10 well the. Birthday is the CF.
Context is everything.

Limejuiceandrum · 30/09/2021 23:10

I would personally make up the difference between you all.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2021 23:10

It's a bit cheeky picking a £150 present

SheSaidHummingbird · 30/09/2021 23:15

Everyone contribute as much as they are comfortable with towards a single gift card which the birthday friend can redeem towards the item she wants.

Whywhenwhat · 30/09/2021 23:17

Is this the first big birthday the group has had, if so you set a precedent now that will have to be followed for them all.
Can you put vouchers or cash towards the gift instead of buying the whole thing? Although if I was willing to put in £30 I'd just put in £32.50 and split the extra tenner between the rest of us.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2021 23:19

you set a precedent now that will have to be followed for them all and this is the thing about 20 or 30. It's actually £100 or £150.