AIBU

[Chatterboxxy]

A friend has a big birthday coming up. She's asked for a gift from our group that would be £30 each. Would it be unreasonable to message and ask her to choose something else, because we are only willing to spend £20 each

Cover the extra yourself as you said you are not worried about it. Why ruin your friend's significate birthday?

Let her pay the 20 ..then the o 4 of you can pay the extra £2.50 each, to make up for the tenner she doesn't want to spend. It's not that awkward

Thanks for these comments, it's really helped me get my head straight. I agree this dilemma is weird, and I had no one to talk it over with that's why I brought it here. I'm upset that we can't sort out a simple thing like this, which should be joyful. We wouldn't normally buy expensive gifts, but it's a big birthday and that's what stuff costs these days! I think the incident has revealed that one of our group has a problematic attitude to money. She thinks everything is too expensive, and she always says she can't afford stuff. She's becoming tight, and it's really impacting things. I think our friend would be highly embarrassed and probably hurt and disappointed if we tell her we aren't willing to chuck in £30 each for a once in a decade treat!

£30 is absolutely normal in my circle of friends for a big birthday.

Why is the item, have you looked around to see if it can be bought elsewhere for £10 cheaper or with a discount code as that would resolve the issue?

@Chatterboxxy

Thanks for these comments, it's really helped me get my head straight. I agree this dilemma is weird, and I had no one to talk it over with that's why I brought it here. I'm upset that we can't sort out a simple thing like this, which should be joyful. We wouldn't normally buy expensive gifts, but it's a big birthday and that's what stuff costs these days! I think the incident has revealed that one of our group has a problematic attitude to money. She thinks everything is too expensive, and she always says she can't afford stuff. She's becoming tight, and it's really impacting things. I think our friend would be highly embarrassed and probably hurt and disappointed if we tell her we aren't willing to chuck in £30 each for a once in a decade treat!

Hmm bit of a nasty comment there

She may not always be able to afford stuff, prices on everything are going up, and fast, I don’t see that as a problematic attitude to money, she may simply not be able to afford it,it’s not that she is ‘becoming tight’

She may not wish to discuss that with the group,

My friendship groups don’t discuss money, but i would say if I can’t afford to do something, it’s accepted and we do something different, same for others in the group depending on what we do

We also agree a ball park figure for anything we are going to share so no one is put in this position

You are not coming out of this well with these comments about a friend

I think it's very rude to ask for a specific amount of money or gift. The giver should choose how much he or she wants, or is able, to spend.

I would spend between £50-£100 for a very good friend's special birthday, but I would not go along with demands like this.

In this particular case, as most of you are willing to contribute £30, perhaps you could agree to share the cost between you of the £10 to which one person is limiting her contribution.

Wow your friemd has an attitude because she said £30 is too much?
Do you know her finances maybe £30 is too much , at this current time i could not afford £30 as i wouldn't have enough for my bills etc
No one should expect a certain amount of anyone and what might not be a lot for you could be for the next person
Maybe they don't even spend £30 on family members so think for a friend is just a little too much

£30 is some people's food budget for a week. It's not a paltry amount.
It's nice that most of you can afford to fritter, but for all you know, your other friend might be going without something to afford the £20.

@Chatterboxxy

A friend has a big birthday coming up. She's asked for a gift from our group that would be £30 each. Would it be unreasonable to message and ask her to choose something else, because we are only willing to spend £20 each

Are you for real ?

You have a group and she asked for a Gift?

Just when I thought I had heard it all.🤣🙄🤣

I could afford the £30, but I'd be a bit nonplussed at someone requesting a gift of that expense in a friendship group! Especially as she must know one of your group has issued with money. Bit grabby, to me. I'd pay, but think less of grabby friend, rather than less of stingy (hard up?) friend, tbj

There's an easy solution to this.

Everyone chucks in as much as they can afford, and the birthday woman gets a voucher for the total.

£30 may not seem too much, but in all likelihood a group of friends will all have significant birthdays in the same year. So a group of 8 means 8 x 30 a year, or 20 quid a month, which may be a lot out of one person's budget. Especially if they are also expected to turn up, and pay for, the inevitable party

lol I just spent £12 on my own mothers 50th which was spread out over a few weeks. I also spent £40 on my dads birthday a few months ago which was a random number not a big one.
Put more effort into mums but dad just got the money.
I don't love one more than the other but a few months ago had £40 spare for a birthday and this month I only had £15 (£3 for the bus ticket to visit her) And even that was too much really. For my DHs birthday which is coming up i have no idea what will be spare. Some birthdays i have gotten him nothing because i just haven't had any spare on the run up to Christmas. it doesn't mean anything.
Well actually it means my bills are going up so 🤷

FFS, this whole situation is ridiculous. After you ask her specifically what she wants for her birthday, you'd then tell her no? £30pp is not a lot for a big birthday.

I would happily cover the extra myself, but then that becomes awkward too!

No, it's not. Just pay the extra if you can afford it and are happy to do so.

How rude of your friend to ask for such an expensive present. And, even worse, your nasty comment about another friend 'developing a problematic attitude towards money.'

I would just pay the difference. Or split it between the 4 of you. Seems like the obvious solution.

Your friend is rude for picking out an expensive present. You are rude for your comment. The friend who cannot afford it is not rude, just honest.

£30 is the budget for a direct relative in this family (parents, siblings, adult children not living at home); friends birthdays come in at a maximum of £20 and that’s dependent on the significance of the event (the age old 0/5 on the end, how close a friend and whether it’s a sole expenditure or a collective gift)

For context, I have what is classed as a ‘big’ birthday this year, I don’t like fuss as it is and even more so about this. I’ve told DH I don’t want to mark it and don’t want silly amounts spent on it - in fact, I’d rather any budget get put towards DTs Christmas presents. I’ve also turned down the offer of him booking a spa day for me as it would be wasted and any benefit of being ‘taken away from day to day life and pampered’ would be out the window sow 5 minutes after returning home to the chaos that is toddler twins!! Not to mention that anywhere round here expects you to pay for 2 people minimum for their spa days (and that’s half the family Christmas present budget out the window!)

Also, the comments about the friend’s attitude to money and being ‘tight’ are a bit unfair unless you know the ins and outs of their financial life. On paper people can have seen to have plenty but who knows what they’re dealing with behind the scenes - especially at the moment with spiralling costs for things like utility bills, shopping and fuel in vehicles (round here prices at some of the pumps have gone up almost 10p a litre in the last week), not to mention pay freezes, NI contribution rises and (for those involved) the removal of the universal credit uplift). Perhaps they’re being faced with finding an extra £50-60 a month for gas/electric bills, losing the £87 a month from UC that they’ve come to rely on and seeing food bills go up because everything is going up at the moment - and it’s easy to see why 1 person might resent £10 extra on a friend’s birthday when no one thought to give the recipient a budget range or suggest they choose a few items they’d be happy to receive something/a selection from that could then be tweaked to fit the available collection.

Those saying £30 is not a lot.. Clearly it is o the person who can't afford it. OP, I'm assuming you're not her accountant? How on earth do you know why she is 'becoming tight'? Maybe her husband has gone out and blown on their savings on a MAMIL bike, or a gambling binge or their boiler has packed up, or circumstances have changed due to Covid. Just chuck. In the extra tenner and say nothing about it.. That's what an actual friend would do

@SheSaidHummingbird

Everyone contribute as much as they are comfortable with towards a single gift card which the birthday friend can redeem towards the item she wants.

This sounds the best idea. And she will get the receipt etc that way too so returns will be easier if needed.

I think the incident has revealed that one of our group has a problematic attitude to money. She thinks everything is too expensive, and she always says she can't afford stuff. She's becoming tight, and it's really impacting things. I think our friend would be highly embarrassed and probably hurt and disappointed if we tell her we aren't willing to chuck in £30 each for a once in a decade treat

I'd be embarrassed for you and your friend to not understand that many people are worrying about the rapidly rising costs of basic essentials like food and utilities.

It's not just about 'the extra tenner', it sets a precedent that every time someone has a big birthday they're going to be expected to contribute more than they can afford. If your friend wants this thing, she can buy it herself, she doesn't need to cadge off her friends to get it. Then you just celebrate her birthday by getting together for a meal, drinks etc, with perhaps token gifts like wine, chocolates, flowers etc.

I think the incident has revealed that one of our group has a problematic attitude to money. She thinks everything is too expensive, and she always says she can't afford stuff

That's not problematic. She's being honest. You're being cruel to keep pressing someone to spend money. Good on her for speaking up rather than just spending her hard earned cash becuase you all day she should.

We had this at work. Someone decided that we should buy a particular item for the birthday girl. And the suggestion was £30 each. Many of us objected to that so we gave what we wanted to give.

Several of us pointed out, that that was the amount we'd spend on our own families. Not on a work colleague that we aren't particularly close to. Not everyone spends a fortune on presents for people.

Your friend should also be able to say what she can afford though, and in some cases might be saving others embarrassment.