To want to move to a hot country when my children are 18?

[sodabreadd]

I've always yearned to live in a hot country but have never truly pursued this. I have a toddler and newborn and so this won't be for a long time, but I'm considering moving when they're 18. I wouldn't move now as the UK meets our needs for right now. On the assumption that my children went to university, would it be awful of me to move when they either start or finish university? They are more than welcome to move with me but should they choose not to, I'd feel awful leaving them in the UK. I feel they would still need my support whilst branching out into independence, not me half way across the world (I have a country in mind). But if I wait too much longer, I will be significantly older (had my children later in life). I would hate for my children to feel neglected or abandoned, but I want to fulfill this dream. I'm married too and DH is open to staying or moving at that time, not overly fussed

They are more than welcome to move with me...

Would they be able to? If you all have the right to live in your target country (dual citizenship, for example) than this makes sense. But if you're planning to move on the strength of a work visa for yourself or your husband, you likely won't be able to sponsor a child over a certain age (usually 18) and if they're just starting or just finishing uni they likely won't qualify for a visa on their own. And even if they are able to live legally in the new country, it may be more expensive for them to attend uni there as they've not previously been resident in the country, don't have the local qualifications, etc. Just depends on the country and your legal situation.

And if you go earlier, they may be ineligible to attend uni in the UK unless they can pay international fees (you normally have to be resident in the UK for 3 years prior to starting.)

And yes, they likely will need your support when they're just starting uni, probably not as much when they're finishing. Whether or not you can give that support from abroad depends - if you can give them a place to live while they're at uni in the UK and trips to visit you, it may work out. Although as we see from COVID, int'l travel isn't always easy and predictable!

My 18 year old has only just gone to uni and I wouldn't dream of leaving the country and effectively leaving her stranded with nowhere to go in the holidays. University term times are quite short. I'd like to move abroad at some point too but not until my daughter is living completely independently and not many kids do that at the age of 18.

Do you have any countries in mind? ie, hot hot hot all year round like SE Asian countries or hot during summer and more reasonable during winter, in more southerly parts of Europe or parts of the US or Australia?

Can you pinpoint the exact life problems you would be solving by moving to a hot country?

This might help you decide which country and when.

not unreasonable to want to do it but at 18 seems very young.. I have a 14 year old and his needs are very differnent to the preschool years but very much needs me in a very different way.

I travelled a lot pre DC , i love to travel and see the world ( although not been able to for the past few years) I think been in another country till your children are fully immeresed in there adult life is tricky also then what when they have children would you be happy to rarely see them.

I think it is a hard one to plan for once you have children

Someone on here the other day was DC-free and single and wanted to do a similar move and it went very quickly from lovely fantasy to limited realistic options (TEFL in the East or paying a fortune in Gibraltar) so it's definitely worth doing your homework. Even if it will be far in the future, it may well have a bearing on the type of training/career path you pursue or even might make you choose to go sooner if that makes more sense visa/work-wise and even family-wise. Weather is the least of it really. From the legals to the culture, there's a whole load of things to consider and set in train. So if it's not just a fantasy that can be sated with hols, I'd get practical and put in the research.

End of uni and starting first jobs are quite an unstable time when they may need or want to come home at weekends, or need somewhere to live for a few months when a relationship breaks down, or need to save up before they can rent by themselves. In lockdown virtually all our young graduates (in first 3-4 years ish) went back to their parents rather than staying on WFH in shared houses. We can't plan for another lockdown, and maybe they will be self sufficient from young, but any sort of accident, bad luck or mental health difficulty you're likely to still want to be there for them. My eldest is only 14, but still needs us so much more than I ever could have imagined when she was a toddler.

Of course there is a balance to be struck, but I would focus on making the next 20 years work for you.

I think it would be unreasonable to do it until they have moved out properly after university I’m afraid. It’s very common to move back home after graduating while looking for a job and a place to live/saving up for rental deposit etc. When I was in sixth form a classmate’s parents moved to Australia and left her behind while she was still finishing her A levels (but had turned 18) and it really pulled the rug from under her feet in terms of getting a good start to her adult life.

It’s likely that at 18 or 21 your DC won’t want to move with you. How much do you want to be involved in their lives, especially if they have children? Ultimately it will come down to what’s more important to you, bring around your DC, or living in the other country.

If you want to emigrate, now is the time to do it, while your children are young. They will quickly adapt to the new country and will barely remember the UK when they're older.

You can't just abandon your children when they reach 18. They don't suddenly stop needing you at that age. Actually, they never stop needing you! Mine are in their 40s and I feel I can't move away to another part of the UK, let alone to another country, as I wouldn't be able to support them if I were further away than I am now.

My advice would be to start researching where you want to go and take steps to get yourself and your family there now.

In 18 years time the UK will be a hot country thanks to global warming.

I moved around, hot, cold, variable, and inbetween pre kids, and while the kids were

I think plan, financially, for a second home in a warm (not hot) country is the most sensible plan. You can use it whilst your kids are growing up with them so it’s not some foreign place to them, your families can visit, and your kids won’t feel abandoned if you choose to spend a little more time there during the winters when they are at uni (if they even go to uni).

In two decades this country will probably be as hot as the Med so save your money and stay put 👌

If public policies don’t change, many of today’s “hot” countries will be dangerous and unbearable to live in in 18 years.

Honestly, I’d focus on the here and now.

Where would your children live when they're not at Uni? Almost all universities have about 5 months a year off (Christmas, Easter, Summer hols are much longer than school hols) and the university halls aren't always open for students during this time.

DHs parents started spending extended time overseas when he went to uni, ramping it up until it was their majority home from when he was 30 for the next 15 years. They still had their house in the UK, but tbh it irreparably damaged their relationship as they were immersed in their new life and would sort of swan back in at the times that suited them to be in the UK and demand attendance, but had no frame of reference for his everyday life. They sold their overseas house when they couldn't manage it anymore and found then they had no life to come back to really as they hadn't been engaged in UK life for so long

I would have felt really abandoned if my parents had done this to me, and I would never abandon my child in this way. Proximity to my child would beat country temperature every single time.

We lived abroad from when I was young then moved back briefly in my mid teens then they moved abroad to a different country when I was 16 and I decided to stay.

I actually had my dad here but lived in the family home alone as he was mostly off with his new partner. I can't tell you what an impact it had on my self esteem living on my own at 16. I didn't really have a clue what I was doing and felt abandoned.

I had undesirable relationships, some abusive, because I didn't want to be on my own. Weekends were sometimes spent seeing no one. I had no family base so would go out drinking with friends constantly so I wasn't alone. Because we'd lived abroad I didn't have many friends here so I ended up friends with users some of the time.

I'm so glad I met my husband in my early 20s and finally felt I had a family again. Yes I was provided with a roof over my head and the bills paid for but I needed my mam here in the country not 7000 miles away in a different time zone. I needed a home with someone to give me advice and guidance and to cook my dinner now and then.

@CMOTDibbler

DHs parents started spending extended time overseas when he went to uni, ramping it up until it was their majority home from when he was 30 for the next 15 years. They still had their house in the UK, but tbh it irreparably damaged their relationship as they were immersed in their new life and would sort of swan back in at the times that suited them to be in the UK and demand attendance, but had no frame of reference for his everyday life. They sold their overseas house when they couldn't manage it anymore and found then they had no life to come back to really as they hadn't been engaged in UK life for so long

It's quite sad to read that there is no point in a parents life one can focus on oneself and live where one wants without the children feeling resentful. Even after they have turned 30. If my parents are happy, I am happy. If my children are happy, I am happy. Regardless of where we all live.

Sorry just to add that my mam moved back to the UK when I was in my mid 20s. Thankfully before I had my first child. We've rebuilt our relationship but my younger brother who moved back to the UK when he was 18 alone, has now had to have therapy due to abandonment issues. He won't speak to her now and has cut all of us out. He blames her for leaving us when we really needed her.

I'd focus on planning holidays in the hot countries for the next few years and spend less time daydreaming about something so far away.
As so many here have responded, leaving your children once they turn 18 thinking " job done" could well destroy the relationship with them.

I could never have moved abroad when our two were at uni. What about vacations, when they’d probably like to see friends from home?* What if they’re thoroughly miserable for whatever reason, and need a comforting weekend at home? What if they’re ill?

In any case, as a pp said, given another couple of decades of climate change, with even more severe drought, extreme heat and wildfires, you might be thinking again.

*I might add that the most miserable summer of my life was the one after my first year at uni, when my folks had moved 100 miles from where we’d previously lived. I knew not a single soul - , I was so lonely and miserable. And this wasn’t a selfish move by my parents - it was for my DF’s job.

"We wouldn't make the move now as we want to be close to our parents and have them be a big part in our children's lives."

Have you considered that by moving later you'd make it much harder for you to be a big part of your grandchildren's lives? And that will impact on your children and your grandchildren too. Of course you need to live your own life, you're not beholden to them, but it seems a curious choice given you're so keen to have your own parents around while your own children are small

My ILs did just that, SIL (20 at the time) went with them, DH stayed.
As long as you give your DC the choice it is fair enough. If they choose to stay I would also expect you to still be responsible for them while they are students, arrange/pay for accommodation and living costs etc. My ILs also had an arrangement with one of DH’s friends mum, they would give her some money in exchange for her doing some laundry for him and having him over once a week for a family meal, this type of things.