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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to move to a hot country when my children are 18?

67 replies

sodabreadd · 30/09/2021 10:50

I've always yearned to live in a hot country but have never truly pursued this. I have a toddler and newborn and so this won't be for a long time, but I'm considering moving when they're 18. I wouldn't move now as the UK meets our needs for right now. On the assumption that my children went to university, would it be awful of me to move when they either start or finish university? They are more than welcome to move with me but should they choose not to, I'd feel awful leaving them in the UK. I feel they would still need my support whilst branching out into independence, not me half way across the world (I have a country in mind). But if I wait too much longer, I will be significantly older (had my children later in life). I would hate for my children to feel neglected or abandoned, but I want to fulfill this dream. I'm married too and DH is open to staying or moving at that time, not overly fussed

OP posts:

Darkchocolateandcoffee · 30/09/2021 10:54

I don't think you need to decide this yet. But I would say they would prefer to have you nearer.

Can you not just go for the winter or something?

sonjadog · 30/09/2021 10:56

Why do you have to wait until they are 18? Can you not move before that?

PippaOwl · 30/09/2021 10:59

I honestly don't see the massive need to think about this just yet

minipie · 30/09/2021 10:59

I know what you mean OP. I have a dream of spending the winters somewhere hot and the summers here. But that won’t be practical for years.

YANBU to have dreams but YAB a bit U to try to map out your life in 15+ years time, who knows what might happen between now and then.

EileenGC · 30/09/2021 11:01

YANBU to want to move somewhere else, be it now or in 15-20 years’ time. Lots of people feel the same way.

My question would be, which hot countries do you have in mind? Caribbean or somewhere like Turkey or Thailand? Because the typical EU countries are now off the table unless you have an EU passport.

If your long-term goal is to live in Spain or France I’d actually make the move now, if you can find jobs that will sponsor you for a visa, and get your family established there whilst the kids are young. Moving to the EU post-retirement is now almost impossible from a legal point of view.

StarryStarrySocks · 30/09/2021 11:03

Highly likely that by the time your kids are 18, living in hot countries will be undesirable due to climate change.

daisypond · 30/09/2021 11:04

Which hot country? Maybe use this time to figure out where it might be possible to go? Do you have the right to live or work anywhere else? If not, work out what you have to do to get there.

kinzarose · 30/09/2021 11:05

IME 18 year olds at uni still need a significant amount of support. Would you keep a home on in UK for them to go back to, or are you thinking of making them homeless?

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2021 11:07

Well, you’ve gut 18 years to weigh up your options….

fournonblondes · 30/09/2021 11:09

My question would be, which hot countries do you have in mind? Caribbean or somewhere like Turkey or Thailand? Because the typical EU countries are now off the table unless you have an EU passport.

I did not know that Turkey and Thailand was open to all?

MrsCat1 · 30/09/2021 11:09

Just a thought Op. My divorced SiL moved 'somewhere hot and far away' when her DD turned 18 and went to Uni. It caused a huge rift in their relationship and major resentment from her DD regarding lack of support. 15 years later it is still an issue. I would wait until the kids have finished Uni.

MissCreeAnt · 30/09/2021 11:09

Do you know there are no hot countries that meet your needs now too? Don't put the burden on your children of being the reason Mum doesn't get to live where she wants to live for 18+ years.

At least try an extended holiday, or a sabbatical if you can manage it, somewhere you'd like to move to, and consider moving the family while children are still small and adaptable.

MardyBoudoir · 30/09/2021 11:10

We are thinking similar. Planning to stay in Europe though and our dc can go to uni there as I don’t want to leave them behind in UK. Have you discussed it with them?

soberfabulous · 30/09/2021 11:10

I've lived in a hot country for the last 15 years and it is amazing. Highly recommend.

MardyBoudoir · 30/09/2021 11:13

sorry just seen they are little ones. Mine are older. Can you go on a posting and try it out first?

Original poster

sodabreadd · 30/09/2021 11:14

We wouldn't make the move now as we want to be close to our parents and have them be a big part in our children's lives. Only reason I'm thinking of it now is because we want to plan financially and if it's not realistic I can get the dream out of my head! We would keep our house in the UK and that will always be their home. Reading replies I feel it's not realistic until absolute minimum they've graduated I think

OP posts:

Spindrifting · 30/09/2021 11:15

I think you should go and spend some extended time in the country you're thinking of quite soon, before it will have an impact on your children's education and friendships. Babies and toddlers are portable and adaptable in a way that they won't be in even five or six years. (DS is nine and has lived in three countries, including two different parts of the UK -- but we are planning to stay where we are now for the foreseeable future, though we may spend a year elsewhere at a point in his schooling where a year away wouldn't be too disruptive.)

If there are barriers in terms of your going sooner, what are they? How were you planning to remove them eighteen years' time?

backoffice · 30/09/2021 11:16

It’s a lovely idea but almost impossible after Brexit. All of my retired friends have now moved back. Really a shame. We’re now planning winters away if we can - it’s nice to dream!

campion · 30/09/2021 11:16

18 year olds are not fully fledged adults. Legally maybe. A few are very independent and self sufficient, most aren't,especially as they are in education or equivalent until 18. They usually need plenty of practical and emotional support.

If you want to move across the world, do it now if you don't want them to feel abandoned.

Strawbsaturno · 30/09/2021 11:16

I have children of 17&16 and believe me there’s no way I would leave them in this country.
They still need support and guidance at this age, even though they will tell you until they are blue in the face that they don’t need you.
If you’re going to do it, do it now or wait until they’re early 20’s.

backoffice · 30/09/2021 11:18

The other issue is whether you will feel able to abandon your parents in 20 years. They will most likely need you then more than your children. You really can’t expect your children to look after them - so who will?

PeonyTime · 30/09/2021 11:19

How hot?
Hot hot countries are miserable as well. I can buy clothes to deal with snow and rain and wind. Only AC deals with life over 40C.
I think leaving at 18 isnt great. Either go now for 10 years, and come back for secondary, or wait until they have jobs and are settled in adult life.

BiscuitBean · 30/09/2021 11:20

My Now ex partner’s parents did this as soon as he and his 2 siblings turned 18. All three of their relationships with their parents are different versions of completely fucked up. One hates them because she felt abandoned, one is like a puppy who tries everything to please them at the expense of his relationships with his siblings, and the other has a really toxic competitive relationship with them where he feels like he needs to do everything he can to prove he’s a better parent than they are.

It was horrible to witness, and even worse witnessing the horrible way the parents would talk about the various siblings to my ex (the one like a puppy).

If you do it, you have to make sure you still make time for them. Don’t make them feel abandoned.

Having said that, you’ve gone a long time to think about it. And a long time to plan doing it the right way

Helenluvsrob · 30/09/2021 11:21

Those saying typical eu countries are “ off the table “ that’s just not true.

You can still spend 3 months every 6 months. So 50% of the year.

Not many people go for more than 3m at a time if retired etc.

Holskey · 30/09/2021 11:21

How could you possibly know right now that you'd be happy to live so far away from them at any age? My parents were pretty sad when I moved 2 hours away (me too actually!) Nothing to do with needs.

I'd shelve this dream entirely in terms of turning it into an actual plan, and revisit closer to the time.

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