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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband’s birthday trip

80 replies

snakansr · 29/09/2021 22:50

This probably won’t be that interesting of a read and I’m probably being unreasonable but I need to know other people’s opinions.

I’m married with 3 children and my husband has a significant birthday coming up, we live in England (only mentioning as this makes a difference to the Covid rules). We’d planned a family holiday for it which I was paying for as his birthday present as he’s the type that just buys whatever he wants. Due to the current Covid situation this was cancelled but I still wanted to do something special for his birthday. I’d have liked to go for a long weekend abroad just the two of us (family are happy to have the children) but at the time of organising I was worried about the possibility of getting stuck abroad if either of our return Covid tests came back positive so booked a suite in a 5 star hotel in London which costs more currently than a holiday abroad. I told my husband the plans as he hates surprises and likes to plan things. I was really excited for some time together even if I was disappointed about not being able to travel.
However since then rules have changed regarding travel and my husband has also planned a motorbike trip to Europe with his friends for his birthday, during which I’ll stay home with the children. This doesn’t affect our trip as the dates are different. He is very excited and now spends all his time looking at things for this trip, planning, looking at what they’re going to do etc.
Admittedly this has bothered me as he’s far more interested in the trip with his friends than ours. As the hotel I’ve booked has free cancellation and we now no longer need swabs to return from Europe, I suggested we change our trip and go away somewhere more memorable on the same dates. He said he was happy with London but remained clearly more excited about his other trip. I soon realised he would prefer keep to our original plans as it’s easier for him to go from London straight to where he’s travelling from with his friends, nothing to do with our trip or what he’d prefer to do with me.
I know it seems ridiculous but this is really upsetting me. I worked hard for a long time to save for something memorable for his birthday and feel like it’s now 2nd best and he’s not actually overly bothered. His priority is what he’s doing with friends. It probably doesn’t help I’m not really keen on the friends (one is arrogant and happily cheats on his wife because he feels entitled to as he provides her “lifestyle”, the other in an open relationship that he’s not happy about but pretends otherwise and brags to his friends for bravado; this open relationship actually causes a lot of arguments between him and his wife). My husband is not a cheat so that doesn’t worry me but I hate knowing what they act like when away from their respective partners as I know both of their wives.
I don’t actually know what I want him to do about this, he can’t help that he’s excited for his “lads trip” but I’m upset that I don’t feel our time is his priority and that I’ll be spending so much on something that’s 2nd best. I know if it weren’t for this other trip that he’d want to do something different; we could actually go to one of the places in Europe we’ve always said we want to go for far less money in the current situation. I can’t help being rather sulky/moody when we talk about it or when he talks about his other trip and we’ve had a bit of an argument about it too.
Basically I just want to know if I’m being completely unreasonable feeling/acting this way and if I’m just being selfish? Should I just pretend it doesn’t bother me at all considering it’s actually for his birthday and not meant to be about me?

OP posts:

LtDansLegs · 29/09/2021 23:05

Hmmm it's a tough one - personally in his shoes, I'd probably be really really excited about a moterbike trip to Europe with friends, it sounds like a once in a lifetime / memorable forever trip, especially for a big birthday.

However I totally understand from your side it can be hurtful to think that something you're spending money on and are excited for isn't getting him as excited. In your shoes I would probably cancel London and arrange something in Europe so you could see one of the places you'd always wanted to see!

If he's being moody about it, have you been honest as you have here?

MyOtherProfile · 29/09/2021 23:11

I'd leave him at home and take a mate instead.

BeaLola · 30/09/2021 00:42

I would definitely cancel the London trip and do something else instead

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/09/2021 02:33

I would cancel the London trip and do something at a later date either with him or with friends if you can.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 30/09/2021 02:52

I understand how you feel. However, you made the best decision you could at the time (Covid-wise) and it’s no one’s fault the rules changed and made the second (more exciting) trip possible.

If it was me, I would either try and make the London trip more exciting, or (as it is expensive) cancel or substitute with a cheaper option and do the Europe trip you would originally have liked too for his birthday next year. Yes, it’s not on the milestone b’day, but he still gets there other one and it’s spreading them out.

Ways I would try and make the London trip more exciting would include things he likes and couldn’t do on the motorcycle trip - so if he likes good food, I’d try and book a very exclusive restaurant or two, if he likes whisky/another alcohol I’d try and book a tour of a distillery, etc etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2021 02:58

Cancel the London trip and save your money. He's not arsed so don't waste all that money you've earned.

evelynhugo · 30/09/2021 03:24

@Aquamarine1029

Cancel the London trip and save your money. He's not arsed so don't waste all that money you've earned.

I thought this.

PennyWus · 30/09/2021 03:31

Completely reasonable. He is being pretty ungrateful and insensitive. I would definitely cancel the London weekend, pick a different weekend altogether and go somewhere in Europe. It sounds like you'd enjoy a weekend in Europe more too, so you'll get more out of it, save money and your husband will have a good time.

Make the executive decision. The birthday weekend away doesnt literally have to be on his birthday - he's not 5 - so cancel the weekend you've planned and then pick somewhere else, with plenty of distance from his lads weekend both in terms of time and location.

Argh now you've got me dreaming of weekends away...

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2021 03:35

I would cancel the trip, saying we will rebook for Europe or something , because if we just keep this booking I will be left feeling very resentful as it’s clear from the time and interest you are showing now that you will spend the birthday trip with me that I saved up for looking forward to the really exciting stuff- where you get to go away with your friends. Our trip is too big a present for me to have it treated like a stocking filler that adds on to the main present.

1forAll74 · 30/09/2021 03:46

I would probably cancel the London trip. and I would not be bothered or upset about a Husbands road trip. The hairy bikers springs to mind, they always have some fun trips.

MyCatDribbles · 30/09/2021 04:02

I wonder if it’s because the London trip is something you’ve thought of and organised, something that he probably wouldn’t have chosen to do himself. But his bike trip is something that he’s actively involved in makes it more appealing to him?

WTF475878237NC · 30/09/2021 04:04

I think I'd suggest to him that you cancel and plan it for another time.

This is an aside but I'm not sure how I could love someone who wants to be friends with a cheat, especially as it's an open secret and you're friends with his wife. It would genuinely make me think less of him that he wants to be around morally shitty behaviour.

PrincessNutella · 30/09/2021 04:29

I would definitely cancel the london trip. If he needs a hotel before his flight with his friends, he can book something cheap near the airport.

Standrewsschool · 30/09/2021 04:37

The London trip you have organised and probably doesn’t need as much planning as the motorbike trip abroad. Maybe that’s why he’s talking about it less.

isthismylifenow · 30/09/2021 05:06

I would also cancel the London trip and use the money for a Europe trip possibly for the next birthday.

There are many many people who have had to postpone their big birthday plans, so waiting for the following birthday seems to be the norm now. (myself included).

If you are paying for the trip away, you also need to benefit by going somewhere you would like to. And I'm sure you can get more value for money by going abroad for a few days vs a short stay in a posh London hotel.

He can make other arrangements to meet up with the friends to start the trip. It sounds quite well planned so don't even factor that part in.

I think the bike trip does sound really exciting, so let him get that out the way and then plan your trip gift.

JackieChiles · 30/09/2021 05:41

@WTF475878237NC

I think I'd suggest to him that you cancel and plan it for another time.

OP clearly isn’t happy about her husband’s friends but to say you would find it “hard to love” someone in that situation when you know nothing else about OP’s husband is very facile. Grown-up life is rarely that black and white.

Aprilx · 30/09/2021 05:54

I am going against the grain here, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I know I would enjoy a trip to London, but a trip around Europe is going to require more planning and I would definitely be spending more time on that. Nothing you have said has made me think he isn’t looking forward to London.

I think you are being a bit dramatic with the “work hard to save”, you are married, isn’t it effectively joint money anyway. I think cancelling a birthday treat he already knows about is really petty.

frazzledasarock · 30/09/2021 05:57

@Aquamarine1029

Cancel the London trip and save your money. He's not arsed so don't waste all that money you've earned.

Yep

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2021 06:26

The motorbike one will take more planning though so I can see why he’s excited about it: I think you’re being a bit childish to be sulking because he’s looking forward to doing something you’re not going on. Book some nice restaurants in London, see a show, do some cool things there too

Blahdyblahbla · 30/09/2021 06:32

I think YABU. A road trip across Europe is huge news; it's exciting, probably something he hasn't done before, going away with friends is fun.
A weekend in London is lovely of course, but it's probably something that's been done many times.
We've all had a shitty few years, presumably you were happy for him to book the road trip, you can't now be sulky and moody because he's looking forward to it, you must see how unreasonable that is.
I do t think it's healthy to expect to have all your best experience with a partner, it's great to have friends and family to enjoy life with as well. He really excited about the trip, thats great!
Cancel London, book a European break somewhere for next year, and wish him well on his road trip. Book something in for yourself as well, a trip with friends or whatever, maybe it'll stop you being so green eyed about his holiday.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/09/2021 06:35

I’d cancel because now and in the future, his bike trip will always overshadow the London one and cause resentment. I’d say “look, you’re going away already, not much point in doing two things and you don’t seem keen. Let’s just save the money for our next holiday.”

StMarysKettle · 30/09/2021 06:35

I've never been on a motorbike but even I would be looking forward to that trip more than a weekend in London. If you live anywhere nearby London isn't that exciting.

As you only booked London because it was pretty much the only option and now it's not, I would cancel it and go somewhere more exciting at a different time. And don't use it as a stick to beat your husband with on the basis of him being "ungrateful". Just change the trip

redtshirt50 · 30/09/2021 06:42

I think you a being a bit unreasonable.

A trip away motorbiking with friends is a lot more exciting than a trip to London with your wife. That's just how it is.

I think you're taking it a bit personally but suggesting his priority is his friends. It's the setting that's making the big difference, not the people.

I would just be honest with him, say you'd rather keep the money and spend it on going somewhere abroad later, what does he think? Have a nice meal on his birthday or a day out as a family so it's still special.

Original poster

snakansr · 30/09/2021 06:57

Thank you for the reply. I’ve probably not explained what’s bothering me well, he seems to get immediately defensive and I get upset/sulky so he knows it’s bothering me but I probably need a better way to explain it.
He loves motorbikes so I do understand his excitement, I still hear about his previous trips years later as he’s done America, Thailand, Europe road trips etc over the years we’ve been together and so he loves telling those stories but I guess I don’t understand why he had to ask boys to plan something exciting for this birthday as it basically felt like he was saying he wanted something memorable because whatever we were planning wasn’t enough in his mind for his 40th. Again I’m aware how silly I’m being, would just prefer for once it be things we’re doing together that he is that excited about.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 30/09/2021 06:57

I'd cancel London and plan another holiday for a different time. It's still a Birthday treat. My Birthday is in March which means I have to put going away for it until later in the year. It's still as special.
I want to travel across Europe by train, so I get his excitement. If you trust your husband, then his friend's behaviours shouldn't be a concern and you need to mind your business in regards to their marriages.

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