Husband’s birthday trip

[snakansr]

This probably won’t be that interesting of a read and I’m probably being unreasonable but I need to know other people’s opinions.

I’m married with 3 children and my husband has a significant birthday coming up, we live in England (only mentioning as this makes a difference to the Covid rules). We’d planned a family holiday for it which I was paying for as his birthday present as he’s the type that just buys whatever he wants. Due to the current Covid situation this was cancelled but I still wanted to do something special for his birthday. I’d have liked to go for a long weekend abroad just the two of us (family are happy to have the children) but at the time of organising I was worried about the possibility of getting stuck abroad if either of our return Covid tests came back positive so booked a suite in a 5 star hotel in London which costs more currently than a holiday abroad. I told my husband the plans as he hates surprises and likes to plan things. I was really excited for some time together even if I was disappointed about not being able to travel.
However since then rules have changed regarding travel and my husband has also planned a motorbike trip to Europe with his friends for his birthday, during which I’ll stay home with the children. This doesn’t affect our trip as the dates are different. He is very excited and now spends all his time looking at things for this trip, planning, looking at what they’re going to do etc.
Admittedly this has bothered me as he’s far more interested in the trip with his friends than ours. As the hotel I’ve booked has free cancellation and we now no longer need swabs to return from Europe, I suggested we change our trip and go away somewhere more memorable on the same dates. He said he was happy with London but remained clearly more excited about his other trip. I soon realised he would prefer keep to our original plans as it’s easier for him to go from London straight to where he’s travelling from with his friends, nothing to do with our trip or what he’d prefer to do with me.
I know it seems ridiculous but this is really upsetting me. I worked hard for a long time to save for something memorable for his birthday and feel like it’s now 2nd best and he’s not actually overly bothered. His priority is what he’s doing with friends. It probably doesn’t help I’m not really keen on the friends (one is arrogant and happily cheats on his wife because he feels entitled to as he provides her “lifestyle”, the other in an open relationship that he’s not happy about but pretends otherwise and brags to his friends for bravado; this open relationship actually causes a lot of arguments between him and his wife). My husband is not a cheat so that doesn’t worry me but I hate knowing what they act like when away from their respective partners as I know both of their wives.
I don’t actually know what I want him to do about this, he can’t help that he’s excited for his “lads trip” but I’m upset that I don’t feel our time is his priority and that I’ll be spending so much on something that’s 2nd best. I know if it weren’t for this other trip that he’d want to do something different; we could actually go to one of the places in Europe we’ve always said we want to go for far less money in the current situation. I can’t help being rather sulky/moody when we talk about it or when he talks about his other trip and we’ve had a bit of an argument about it too.
Basically I just want to know if I’m being completely unreasonable feeling/acting this way and if I’m just being selfish? Should I just pretend it doesn’t bother me at all considering it’s actually for his birthday and not meant to be about me?

I'd be far more excited about doing an adventure trip I really want to do, rather than tag along with my DH on a city break.

I have up years ago trying to get DH to do things other than what he's interested in, as it's pointless. I'm a bit the same, so I get it, can't feign interest.

Cancel and re-book something AFTER the motorbike trip. Done.

I know how you feel OP after watching the intricate preparation DH goes through for his walking weekends versus nominal interest in preparing for family holidays, and there was a lot of me gritting my teeth for his big "Kili" trip for a milestone birthday.

I'd dial back the emotion a lot. It's natural that he'll put more planning and effort into a group road trip than an already organised London stay. I think at this point you take charge and offer up a replacement based on what you'd much rather do in the future. Have it priced up ready to book and try to be as generous in spirit as you can . In truth wouldn't you rather go on the trip to exciting location, rather than the hugely expensive London trip?

It was an excellent idea when we didn't know how long this was going on for, but now there is a bit of hope for foreign travel, I'd cut the rope and give you both permission to do what you want to.

in your shoes? I'd cancel the London trip, see if your family can have the children and book something for myself while DH is away.

Honestly, this wouldn’t bother me. I’d be glad he was going and I’d get the house to myself for a bit! Cancel London as it’s now tainted and it was a second best thing anyway and book a babysitter and go out for a really nice meal one night. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Let him have his trip and then when he gets back plan another thing. It’s a birthday year and Covid means we all have to be flexible. I think this should be a non issue really

Agree.
Cancel. Tell dh that you are pleased he is doing trip with friends.
Go out to dinner locally on the day. Save your money for something you would both enjoy another time.

Thank you for everyone’s replies. He was so defensive over it last night and I was upset so wasn’t the time for a rational conversation so you’ve all at least made me feel sane, I was wondering if I was just behaving completely irrationally letting it even bother me.
I guess I’ll have to wait and see how he responds to my suggestion we change the trip to something more exciting when he doesn’t have to think about his motorbike trip. We’ve always talked about going to see the Northern lights in Iceland or going to Rome and with current prices we could do either and have plenty of money to spend whilst there so think I’ll suggest that and if it’s not over his birthday weekend then so be it. Thanks again 🙂

Rome is amazing for a short trip, I'd totally recommend it.
Honestly I'd price it up for another weekend ( after the motorbike trip) so it can be sold as a done deal.
To be fair to the poor man he might be a bit concerned at this point as to what the right reaction should be and doesn't want to be seen to be running down your London trip, so I think you need to be the one making the decision.

Definitely cancel the London trip, let him go on his lads trip and plan an exciting break for the two if you sometime after he's back.

It will always feel like the second choice trip to you, what a waste of money.

He's not wrong for being excited, he is being insensitive letting it overshadow your plans though.

Try not accuse him, or act angry or sulky about cancelling. Rather tell him how excited you are at the prospect of Rome with him etc. Put a positive spin on it and then just let the little boys and their little toys get their trip over with first.

I would far rather see the Northern Lights than stay in a London hotel.

More romantic, too.

@EdgeOfTheSky

I would far rather see the Northern Lights than stay in a London hotel.

More romantic, too.

So would I and I’m sure he would have too but when I suggested changing the trip he said he was happy with London, then I realised this was actually just to make it easier for him to prepare for the other trip which is what upset me; he was happy to do something he wasn’t bothered about with me (and for me to spend a lot of money on doing that) because oh his plans with his friends. I’ve suggested postponing now, it’s a shame it won’t be on his actual birthday but I don’t want to spend that amount on something neither of us are that bothered about when we could do something far better a few weeks later.

How did he respond to that?

Can you not do London on the cheap? So still have a nice meal but not £800 hotel for 2 nights? And he is still celebrating on birthday and benefits from easy access to next trip?

Gosh as it's getting to the point where he's saying he's happy with it and you're pushing back and he's getting defensive then it's still going on over text the morning after, then the most memorable thing about it might well be all this aggro. I get that you're wanting to do a lovely thing, but you can't put all this pressure on it being 'memorable'. Great memories don't necessarily come from five-star hotels and £££. He was happy to go along and enjoy it, but now it's become this competition, and it's unwinnable really. Not least because he lives with you and DC all the time so just changing the location you're in will never be as different as the bike trip with friends. Whatever you decide to do practically, I'd say the bottom line is to accept that these are apples and pears and stop trying to compare and compete. He can't help what genuinely excites him and trying to control that is the very opposite of giving him the happy birthday which is surely the main goal here.

@burnoutbabe

Can you not do London on the cheap? So still have a nice meal but not £800 hotel for 2 nights? And he is still celebrating on birthday and benefits from easy access to next trip?

London is silly priced at the moment, £600 for 2 nights in a travel lodge, hence it made more sense to spend the extra for a suite in a nice hotel however think we’re all sorted now. Dates changed as that was the main reason for him wanting to be local and ready for bike trip and a Northern lights trip with loads of fun activities booked. I was far too worried about it being on his actual birthday which I’ve realised was daft. He’s always wanted to go so we can both get what we want and he doesn’t have to worry about being ready for his trip. All seems daft now but at the time felt he was choosing to focus more on doing things without me than with me, especially when child free time is so rare for us but solution was so simple when I wasn’t being so over-emotional. I blame that stupid vaccine (not looking to start vaccine debate/ conversation, just caused a lot of issues for me personally), since I’ve had period and hormone issues ever since, I’ve felt like a nutcase, definitely wasn’t thinking rationally 😂🙈. Not used these advice pages before but was so helpful having advice from people who could give me rational advice and easier being completely honest and taking blunt advice/ constructive criticism from people you don’t know if that makes any sense at all so thank you all who took time to read and advise 😁

@Pinkdelight3

Gosh as it's getting to the point where he's saying he's happy with it and you're pushing back and he's getting defensive then it's still going on over text the morning after, then the most memorable thing about it might well be all this aggro. I get that you're wanting to do a lovely thing, but you can't put all this pressure on it being 'memorable'. Great memories don't necessarily come from five-star hotels and £££. He was happy to go along and enjoy it, but now it's become this competition, and it's unwinnable really. Not least because he lives with you and DC all the time so just changing the location you're in will never be as different as the bike trip with friends. Whatever you decide to do practically, I'd say the bottom line is to accept that these are apples and pears and stop trying to compare and compete. He can't help what genuinely excites him and trying to control that is the very opposite of giving him the happy birthday which is surely the main goal here.

Yep you’re totally right, I was being over emotional after the past year wanting this perfect break and definitely let my disappointment regarding it all (lots of cancellations/changes etc) take over rational thinking. All sorted now, can look forward to our first child free break in a long time and he can look forward to his other trip too.

Well done, sounds like a great solution. Take the pressure off and take a break you can both enjoy!

Well done OP, glad you are sorted and your N Lights trip sounds wonderful.

Well I don’t know if anyone will even see this response but maybe I’ll feel better for getting it out. Perhaps it was all instinct that something was wrong, he will never give me answers, but I changed the trip for more suitable dates, went to Iceland and had an amazing time, and a few months later found him cheating on a night out. Never thought I’d even offer to forgive a cheat but for our family I tried to come up with solutions: give up a further bike trip planned a month or so later with same cheating friends and since he said being drunk was to blame- to come home at a normal hour (ie at 1am ish when pubs close) until we regained trust, didn’t think I was being unreasonable at all but he refused (his friends encouraged this by saying he couldn’t be “caged”… wtf) and he’s tried to make me feel/sound controlling and like the bad guy to everyone we know ever since… tells me he loves me but continues this slander… trust your instincts!

I am so sorry to hear this.

Please tell me you are ending it and making sure your family and friends know why. He does not deserve you.

Wishing you strength x

I'm so sorry to read this. I don't know what it was but I definitely picked up on this vibe from your first post...so you have great gut instincts but just suppressed it/ got focused on the minutiae. He is and always will be a closet selfish asshole. You really can judge someone by who they choose to be friends with. It's an excellent moral barometer every time.

What happening now? Are you living together or has the physical separation happened? It's terrible to be blaming you for the impact of his cheating on the marriage. Typical I'm sorry I got caught this time behaviour.

I have never read it but lots of women recommend a website called Chump Lady here to help in these times.

Sorry OP.
Put yourself first whatever else you decide to do .

I’m sorry too; give him all the freedom he wants and divorce him

Oh sorry to read this @snakansr

Bluddy bastard men - their brains get addled in early middle age & they panic about ageing. and missing out on "life" (but not the actual life they're living) to the extent that they reject or abandon their family and don't see the value of the world they've created for themselves.

I'm sorry too op.

Definitely make sure everyone knows what really happened.