Husband’s birthday trip

[snakansr]

This probably won’t be that interesting of a read and I’m probably being unreasonable but I need to know other people’s opinions.

I’m married with 3 children and my husband has a significant birthday coming up, we live in England (only mentioning as this makes a difference to the Covid rules). We’d planned a family holiday for it which I was paying for as his birthday present as he’s the type that just buys whatever he wants. Due to the current Covid situation this was cancelled but I still wanted to do something special for his birthday. I’d have liked to go for a long weekend abroad just the two of us (family are happy to have the children) but at the time of organising I was worried about the possibility of getting stuck abroad if either of our return Covid tests came back positive so booked a suite in a 5 star hotel in London which costs more currently than a holiday abroad. I told my husband the plans as he hates surprises and likes to plan things. I was really excited for some time together even if I was disappointed about not being able to travel.
However since then rules have changed regarding travel and my husband has also planned a motorbike trip to Europe with his friends for his birthday, during which I’ll stay home with the children. This doesn’t affect our trip as the dates are different. He is very excited and now spends all his time looking at things for this trip, planning, looking at what they’re going to do etc.
Admittedly this has bothered me as he’s far more interested in the trip with his friends than ours. As the hotel I’ve booked has free cancellation and we now no longer need swabs to return from Europe, I suggested we change our trip and go away somewhere more memorable on the same dates. He said he was happy with London but remained clearly more excited about his other trip. I soon realised he would prefer keep to our original plans as it’s easier for him to go from London straight to where he’s travelling from with his friends, nothing to do with our trip or what he’d prefer to do with me.
I know it seems ridiculous but this is really upsetting me. I worked hard for a long time to save for something memorable for his birthday and feel like it’s now 2nd best and he’s not actually overly bothered. His priority is what he’s doing with friends. It probably doesn’t help I’m not really keen on the friends (one is arrogant and happily cheats on his wife because he feels entitled to as he provides her “lifestyle”, the other in an open relationship that he’s not happy about but pretends otherwise and brags to his friends for bravado; this open relationship actually causes a lot of arguments between him and his wife). My husband is not a cheat so that doesn’t worry me but I hate knowing what they act like when away from their respective partners as I know both of their wives.
I don’t actually know what I want him to do about this, he can’t help that he’s excited for his “lads trip” but I’m upset that I don’t feel our time is his priority and that I’ll be spending so much on something that’s 2nd best. I know if it weren’t for this other trip that he’d want to do something different; we could actually go to one of the places in Europe we’ve always said we want to go for far less money in the current situation. I can’t help being rather sulky/moody when we talk about it or when he talks about his other trip and we’ve had a bit of an argument about it too.
Basically I just want to know if I’m being completely unreasonable feeling/acting this way and if I’m just being selfish? Should I just pretend it doesn’t bother me at all considering it’s actually for his birthday and not meant to be about me?

He's allowed to mark his birthday in a way he chooses as well as in the way you choose for him - he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it

I know it’s hard but I think I’d cancel and then rebook something else in Europe somewhere you both really wanted to go. Do dinner the night of and let him go off on his adventures.

If you can have an honest conversation about it do, but make the cancellation element a fait accompli. Don’t let him say no, come up with a booking for another time in a ‘couldn’t let your birthday go by without a proper surprise, so actually we’re going to xxx, but I’m telling you now so you still have time to process it and research as you’d like’.

Either plan something that he'll appreciate more - maybe him taking you on the back of a bike somewhere abroad if you're up for that - don't know if he's only into big bikes but I'm thinking a cool little Piaggio round a few gorgeous bits of Italy. Or cancel it and book something lovely for yourself while he's gone with his mates as it sounds like neither of you are really going to enjoy the London trip and it's more likely to end in a row.

Can you delay your child free trip to another time after the motorbike trip? Or can you go with him on his motorbike for the first couple of days? Dp and I travel all over on ours (though we cancelled our European trip because of the testing, we can't risk not being able to work due to the nature of my job

If he’s planning to go straight from London, the danger is that your weekend together will be consumed with last minute planning/ buying for the motorbike trip, rather than the romantic break you have in mind.

I’d postpone until after the motorbike trip, and tell h8m you’re doing this so he can focus on one thing at a time.

I think it's a bit insensitive of him

I'm surprised at all the posters who think it's OK to cancel a birthday trip that the other person knows about, just because they're not showing a required level of overt excitement.

OP I get why you're disappointed but woulod it help if you thought of his two trips as complementary to each other not in competition?

It makes total sense to me that he's more actively/visibly enthused about a one-off European trip doing his hobby than a hotel in London. More to the point it probably also requires more active planning. The London trip is by its very nature lower-key, I presume it's not a one-off for you. But he hasn't dismissed it and that doesn't mean he won't enjoy it.

In his position I'd be looking forward to both the low-key trip with my partner and the exciting trip abroad with my friends. Both together would make for a very nice birthday experience. I would probably rabbit on more about the latter but that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate the former.

Your trip is, through bad luck, always going to be the lower-key one. It's not going to be as Big and Special and Exciting as the motorbikes abroad, that's just the nature of it. That doesn't mean it's a lesser trip or that he won't enjoy it or that it's pointless.

As a PP has suggested you could always do something extra-special while in London to make it memorable, a good restaurant is a very good idea.

Say you're thinking if cancelling the London trip.If he looks gutted then keep it,if he doesn't look arsed then go with someone else

@MintyGreenDream

Say you're thinking if cancelling the London trip.If he looks gutted then keep it,if he doesn't look arsed then go with someone else

Don't act this childishly

@Aprilx

I am going against the grain here, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I know I would enjoy a trip to London, but a trip around Europe is going to require more planning and I would definitely be spending more time on that. Nothing you have said has made me think he isn’t looking forward to London.

I think you are being a bit dramatic with the “work hard to save”, you are married, isn’t it effectively joint money anyway. I think cancelling a birthday treat he already knows about is really petty.

I feel like I’m being unreasonable too but also can’t help being upset about it. As for the money side of things we both put percentages of our wages in to a joint account to cover daily expenses then the rest is ours so I’ve been saving out of “my” money, which I have quite a bit less of than my husband does. Don’t get me wrong he’d happily pay for things and does a lot of the time when we do stuff together but I like having my money that I don’t have to discuss spending with him and I wanted this to be something I had specifically done for him, hence doing overtime etc to save enough to do something really nice, which I’m now wondering if is really worth it as the hotel alone is over £800 at the moment for 2 nights. The part that mainly bothers me is I think if he wasn’t thinking of his other trip, he’d far prefer something else and that’s what’s upsetting me, not his other trip or being excited about it but that I feel we’re making concessions on our trip for the sake of the other.

Does he like London, is it somewhere he has said he’d like to visit?

As an aside, how long is his motorbike trip? Has he asked if you’ll pick up the parenting slack? Or has he made arrangements for childcare etc?

Or, let me take a guess, has he not even thought about it and expects you to do everything?

@timeisnotaline

I would cancel the trip, saying we will rebook for Europe or something , because if we just keep this booking I will be left feeling very resentful as it’s clear from the time and interest you are showing now that you will spend the birthday trip with me that I saved up for looking forward to the really exciting stuff- where you get to go away with your friends. Our trip is too big a present for me to have it treated like a stocking filler that adds on to the main present.

^ I agree with this, it's well put

@StMarysKettle

He's allowed to mark his birthday in a way he chooses as well as in the way you choose for him - he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it

Yeah, but her point is, that occasionally it would be nice, if the way he wanted to 'mark his birthday' was with her, as a couple, not with his mates! She'd like to feel special to him!

@snakansr. I'm not sure what you can do. People feel the way they feel, you can't explain that you'd like to feel like he wanted to do something with you, that that would be special to him, because even if he does/says something, you'll never know if it's genuine or if he's appeasing you. It's a shitty feeling.

I would cancel. Do a meal in a restaurant or something on the day, or something family orientated and do a weekend abroad later on

It comes across to me as this birthday situation is a symptom of a wider issue between you.
Not sure it’s relevant but I would personally be really uncomfortable with how you allocate both your incomes too. We pool all the money we both earn into joint account and then allocate ourselves the same amount to go into personal accounts which is our individual spending money to do what we want with. We then have a savings account for family activities and holidays etc that we also pay into from joint account monthly.
Good luck sorting through your feelings.

Blimey.

With 3 children, your financial arrangements certainly benefit him. Unless he took significant periods of paternity leave (6m etc).

What sort of things does he do for your big birthdays?

Does he actually appreciate and enjoy luxury hotels? If you are making the best of London you won’t be in it much!

You say he doesn’t like surprises; I think I would say ‘look, the London trip was a contingency anyway, what would you really like to do? Maybe next year?’.

I would cancel and arrange something else. £800 is a lot for 2 nights and I’m not sure you’ll enjoy it enough to warrant it, if you fly from London it’ll be the same for him ease wise to travel on won’t it?

My hubby had to cancel our trip abroad for lockdown and we went to a beautiful and very expensive hotel in the city we live in instead. It just wasn’t the same and I know we were both disappointed. No fault of his at all.

How do you think he would respond if you told him how you feel about it?

Cancel it or better go with a friend and leave him to look after the children.

I don’t understand why he had to ask boys to plan something exciting for this birthday as it basically felt like he was saying he wanted something memorable because whatever we were planning wasn’t enough in his mind for his 40th.

I'd say it's more likely that they wanted to plan a boys holiday and this was the perfect excuse.

Their wives could get pissy if they just decided they were going away but if they say it's for a big birthday celebration it's more likely to be universally accepted.

I understand OP.
I love my husband a lot. If he planned a trip to a rubbish hotel in a place I hated, and I had to choose this or the trip of a lifetime with great friends, I would genuinely choose him. We do do things separately of course, but I miss him when he's not with me and the most boring things are fun with him. I believe he feels the same (or does an extremely good job of pretending he does!) and I'd be hurt if he would choose the friends holiday in that situation.

BUT everyone has a different marriage dynamic, and many other ways work perfectly well too! I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with your DH preferring the friends holiday, if that's the way your marriage dynamic works. I guess if you are not on the same page though, that's the issue. A mismatch. In his place which holiday would you prefer? Hotel in London with DH, or epic Europe trip with friends? If you'd be more excited about London, maybe there is a disconnect and you need to either accept it or address it. But if you too would prefer the epic friends trip, maybe that helps understand where he's coming from. He could be doing with being much more tactful though!

£800 should pay for a decent weekend abroad. I'd cancel original hotel - it's a lot of money if you're now both a bit ambivalent about it. Let's face it a trip abroad is generally more exciting. Just a thought but have a look at Eurostar - if already going to London in a couple of extra hours you could be in Paris or Brussels- had a look for myself and prices if you include the hotel are very reasonable, and has a bit more of a wow factor than a London trip.

Or is there a half way house. Still go to London but stay in a Premier Inn rather than posh hotel ? That way you could still do dream trip next year.

@rookiemere

£800 should pay for a decent weekend abroad. I'd cancel original hotel - it's a lot of money if you're now both a bit ambivalent about it. Let's face it a trip abroad is generally more exciting. Just a thought but have a look at Eurostar - if already going to London in a couple of extra hours you could be in Paris or Brussels- had a look for myself and prices if you include the hotel are very reasonable, and has a bit more of a wow factor than a London trip.

I think that’s what’s bothering me most, we both love to travel together and separately with friends (this will be his 4th bike trip with others and we’ve done one together and I have Italy booked with my friends next year) and love city breaks, exploring places we haven’t been and learning the history of interesting places so when we realised we can now travel without the risk of getting stuck there (no return swabs) I thought we should cancel London and book somewhere we’d like to go and haven’t been before. The whole weekend (including activities, nice meals etc) is costing me around £1.5k so having looked at current prices for travel, which are very low at the moment, we could go somewhere pretty amazing for the same price. However when I mentioned this he said he was “happy with London” which I don’t understand as, since he works there at least a few times a year, he’s never been bothered about going. I can only think, whilst the dates wouldn’t interfere, this is because it is easier alongside his other trip for packing, getting bikes ready etc and that’s why it feels like what we’re doing together is not his priority, and he’d prefer do something less exciting with me to be more prepared for his trip with his friends. I’ve messaged him this morning (I work early so am out before he wakes up) and said I don’t want to argue but can’t help feel disappointed that he obviously is more interested in his other trip and suggested we change it, even if that means changing the dates, to something more memorable for his birthday. I’ve said I want him to enjoy his trip and feel ours would just cause unnecessary upset right now so we could change to any time he wants and look at somewhere he’d really enjoy but so far no response. Not sure if that’s fair of me or not at this stage. Seems such a silly thing to be upset about but I’m worried if we go whilst I feel like this then it might ruin the weekend anyway if he’s talking about/spending time there planning his bike trip.