To be incapable of making friends

[sotired6]

I had very few friends at school because I was so shy and lacking in confidence. Then went to uni and made no friends at all - literally not one - because I was so afraid to reach out to people. I’m now 38, a FTM to a two year old boy and am still struggling. I go to many different toddler groups but never seem to gel with anyone - not to the point where I can ask them for their number. I did join an NCT group when pregnant but all the other women seemed to split off quite quickly into cliques and I was the only mum who wasn’t part of any of them.

I’m desperate for friends but there is clearly something wrong with me as I’m just not capable of making any.

Is there any hope for me or do I just need to accept that I’m going to remain friendless for the rest of my life?

Do you have any hobbies at all? I find it much easier to chat to people when I know we share a common interest. Perhaps it might be worth looking for a local group in your area that does something you would like to try, and go along? There is nothing wrong with you, you just clearly haven't met the right people yet :)

Making friends can be easier if you work. I went to all kinds of clubs and conferences to meet people in my industry and got a great circle that way. Had much more in common than just babies, too.

Also consider clubs related to your interests and meet people through those.

I don't have an answer, but wanted to tell you you're not the only one!

Yes to be honest, it's the lucky ones who make friends through their kids. You are surely more likely to gel with someone through a common interest rather than just because you both have kids .

Have you tried meetup groups for something similar?

Are you less shy now do you think?

Can you afford a life coach?

Someone like that can possibly give you the oomph to change how you approach people.

I can't make friends. Have a couple but mostly due to seeing them regularly for yeeeaaarrrrsss . I'm older now and don't really care - one or two is more than enough.
But I was hopeless at talking about myself and also was v self conscious and was so busy worrying about how I came over to people that I didn't really remember much of what they told me - so I could never continue a conversation eg ask them about their bunions or whatever they'd last told me.

I don’t have any hobbies really - by the time DD has gone to bed I just want to collapse on the sofa and watch TV.

It’s clearly an issue with me, as I’ve never made a decent group of friends and I’m almost 40. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong and why no one seems to like me.

• DS

Making friends is tough. I’ve found it really hard. Two of my children are autistic so haven’t really been able to meet people through them as they’re both at specialist schools and it was very difficult when they were small. I work part time but those I work with are spread in different places and are significantly older. No words of advice other than maybe hobbies or work.

You probably just lack the social skills which are needed in order to make friends- which you could learn. I think being smiley and light hearted helps in those initial conversations. I used to be more serious and a bit too direct with people and on reflection i think that put people off. You'll need to do some self reflection. Is it your appearance which is putting people off? For example are you very scruffy? Or are you very self conscious and appear nervous which also puts people off. Try looking at people who have friends and examine them in social situations. I think you'll find them to be experts in those initial small talk interactions and from then it leads onto friendship.

I'm the same. I don't have a best friend or a group of friends. I have people I chat too and would consider friends but don't really socialise with. I think despite being bubbly and chatty I'm quite socially awkward!

It’s difficult but you can turn it around. You need to get rid of the thought that you are shy, it’s not serving you well and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Often telling yourself that you are shy can be a way of protecting yourself, e.g it’s not my fault I’m shy….. etc.
I was very similar, unfortunately you may be coming across as uncomfortable (I was) which makes other people a bit nervous. You sometimes have to fake it and tell yourself that you are confident and act like you are.
That’s what I did, also I listen too much and don’t tell enough stories about myself which people seem to like. I’m never going to be a social as some people but I have definitely improved and you definitely can too!

You probably just lack the social skills which are needed in order to make friends- which you could learn. I think being smiley and light hearted helps in those initial conversations.

I do make a real conscious effort to be smiley, but I’m very nervous underneath - perhaps people can sense that and it puts them off?

That’s what I did, also I listen too much and don’t tell enough stories about myself which people seem to like. I’m never going to be a social as some people but I have definitely improved and you definitely can too!

I’m terrible at telling stories about myself - I often get jumbled up and when I get to the punchline, nobody laughs because of the crappy way I’ve told it Then that knocks my confidence even more.

@Mistyplanet

You probably just lack the social skills which are needed in order to make friends- which you could learn. I think being smiley and light hearted helps in those initial conversations. I used to be more serious and a bit too direct with people and on reflection i think that put people off. You'll need to do some self reflection. Is it your appearance which is putting people off? For example are you very scruffy? Or are you very self conscious and appear nervous which also puts people off. Try looking at people who have friends and examine them in social situations. I think you'll find them to be experts in those initial small talk interactions and from then it leads onto friendship.

THIS, especially "being smiley and light hearted" and not self-conscious or nervous. Plus having a few easy/non-controversial topics to talk about - maybe listen to Radio 4's Women's Hour for inspiration.

And I bet there are TED talks about making friends on YouTube.

For what it's worth, I have only few friends I met through work or via my kids' schools. Many I found via MeetUp groups or special interests of mine.

Sometimes all it takes is to ask "would you like to go for a drink/coffee afterwards?" What's the worst that can happen - they might say "not today" or "I'm sorry I cant". But then again, they might be so happy to be asked because they were too scared to do so themselves!

If you’re in England I’m pretty sure you can get CBT for social anxiety through IAPT. Google it! Not sure how easy to access at the moment but it should help. I’ve always been shy. Less so now. I do agree you have to fake it to make it to an extent and be proactive about making friends and actually asking people for their number etc. Try to focus more on them than overthinking how you’re coming across. Join a group or club so you can gradually get to know people over the weeks before asking if they fancy a coffee etc. These are things that have helped me.

I don't make friends naturally as am on the spectrum and and severely hard of hearing. But, that's an excuse - as far as I want it to be!
I had my DS at 41. I realised that unless I kicked my arse into gear, we would end up quite isolated. My DS was diagnosed with ASD at 5. Yey! Two awkward fuckers to try and navigate the world of friendships.
Wanting to nurture my DS has killed my own anxiety to a certain extent. It's a lot of 'fake it til you make it'. You really have to make the effort. I can't stress that enough.

You might find as your DC gets older you make friends through regularly taking them to a hobby, particularly sport. My DD does competitive swimming which involves a lot of hanging around the pool. The day she trialled there was another boy trialling so me and his mum chatted a bit, then sat together for the first few sessions. Fast forward and we are now good friends, sometimes take a run together when the kids are swimming or just grab a coffee and chat. Work is also a good place for friends if you have a job

These posts are on here quite often so you're not alone, even though you must feel it. The thing that always perplexes me is that there's almost always a DH - so you've made the most important friend somehow. How did you meet him? What did you have in common? Obviously it's not completely the same but it's testament to the fact that you do have it in you to connect with people and forge a relationship. Also, does he have friends? Do you socialise as a couple? What about work? Have you never got on with any colleagues? It's having shared experiences in common as much as interests, so work has generally been a good source of friends, much more than the randomness of baby groups etc.

So that's the more practical side, but on the bigger point, for me it seems to come down to being interested in other people - the reaching out you mention is about getting past your self-consciousness with the trick of making it not about you but about helping others to feel liked and valued. Easier said than done, I know, I used to be very shy and awkward and still can be in some situations, but generally as I've got older I've cared less about myself and it's definitely helped draw people together. Perhaps the life coach is a good idea as it's so much about the story you tell yourself about who you are. As long as you define yourself as being incapable of making friends, it's likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can unwittingly put out 'I'm not likeable' vibes and the answer may be less about 'I'm likeable vibes' than finding an 'I like you' vibe that you can warm up other people with - yet not take it personally if you get a few knockbacks. Saying that almost makes it feel like a sales trick, but then they do say con(fidence) tricks are all about giving people your confidence first.

Your child is of the age where you have loads of opportunities to get involved with things and make connections. Toddler groups are usually volunteer run - so volunteer. Get yourself on the committee, offer to makes the coffees, stay behind and help clear up. Having been involved on committees for more years than I care to remember, they will bite your hand off.

I'm in the same situation after a big move. I'm looking to the in laws for friendship since everyone back home has drifted off. It's so hard. I'm a SAHM so I just don't talk to any adults all day.

I find it difficult making friends too. I didn’t go to university or have children and have never been part of a friendship group. I think I may be on the spectrum too.

I think @Pinkdelight3’s second paragraph is key (though I admit to being also always fascinated by what she says in her first paragraph, as so many friendless people who post about it mention that they’re married or in a committed relationship — why does this require different skills to making friends?)

Thinking of yourself as ‘shy’ is a self-protective mechanism but a very limiting one. For me, what emerges very strongly from so many similar posts on here is the effect of self-consciousness on social skills.

To be blunt, if you’re in a social situation and someone is talking to you, and all you’re thinking is ‘Oh, God, what should I say when she finishes talking?’ or ‘Was the last thing I said stupid?’ or ‘What will I ask her next?’ the effect is that you’re not really listening to or engaging with the other person. You’re thinking about yourself the whole time. And the effect on the other person is much the same as if you were an arrogant arse who has zoned out because you’re just waiting for the other person to draw breath you so can break in with your anecdote about yourself.

If you’re visibly planning your next line in your head while I’m talking, I’m not necessarily going to know whether it’s because you’re shy and nervous or a self-obsessed pain — the effect is similar, in that I can tell you’re not really listening or seeing me.

Do you see what I mean?

We all get nervous sometimes but I do think depending on how much it is shown that it can make others feel ill at ease.

I look at friendship like this.

You meet 100 people, how many will you really have much in common with? probably not that many and friendships need an anchor or something in common to make them long lasting.

I did a voluntary job for two years and made two friends through it, I certainly met dozens of people but these two had more in common with me and we clicked. Both myself and one woman were avid hockey players when young and we both still love hiking.

It’s a numbers game really. We met some people on holiday recently, in the next door holiday cottage. They were at a completely different life stage to us and young enough to be our dc. But in our couple of conversations, they loved gardening and DH and the woman work in the same field. She also loved cats, so whilst we were much older than them I saw connections.

I would look at the advice in previous posts on how to tackle your anxiety. But then remember it’s a numbers game.

Is there anyone you regularly talk to at playgroup ? I have moved a lot over the years and even though people would describe me as confident I'm not really and feel just the same as you do but I have to really treat the whole thing like a PR excercise. Only one person has declined the invitation for a coffee and she was a bit odd to be honest People are usually as bored as you and would love to have a coffee and a natter with someone new.

If you're little one is playing with a child you could say to the mum " Oh look, aren't they playing nicely, fancy coming to mine for a coffee one day next week so the little ones can see each other again, shall we fix a day, you know what it's like if I do t get something in the diary another week zips by etc etc...?"

NOBODY knows you're shy unless you tell them,they just think you're a friendly mum with a baby.

I am just the same, being sociable just doesn't come naturally to me and I find small talk a bit pointless and tiring! I think even the most hermit like people want some sort of social interaction even if you have to fake it.