To be incapable of making friends

[sotired6]

I had very few friends at school because I was so shy and lacking in confidence. Then went to uni and made no friends at all - literally not one - because I was so afraid to reach out to people. I’m now 38, a FTM to a two year old boy and am still struggling. I go to many different toddler groups but never seem to gel with anyone - not to the point where I can ask them for their number. I did join an NCT group when pregnant but all the other women seemed to split off quite quickly into cliques and I was the only mum who wasn’t part of any of them.

I’m desperate for friends but there is clearly something wrong with me as I’m just not capable of making any.

Is there any hope for me or do I just need to accept that I’m going to remain friendless for the rest of my life?

How did you meet your partner? There must have been initial if awkward conversations? It’s really the same principle of getting to know someone.

For those with friends….how do you know you’re not being too pushy? I’m very hesitant as I don’t want to text loads. I made a friend at a playgroup years ago and meet ups and now messages have dropped off (it takes her three months to return a message though it’s always long and lovely). I don’t like to think I’m bothering people.

I read a piece of advice on here recently (I think it was in a thread about moving to a new area) that you should spend a year going to absolutely everything in the local area and meeting new people, trying new things, etc. After that you can drop the things you don’t enjoy but you should have made some new friends and interests.

I have just moved house and am going to try it - I am an introvert but would love to make some local friends/join some groups.

Another piece of advice is to do things consistently so that people get to know you and you become part of the group ie make sure you go t badminton/netball/football every week and join the league, volunteer to help at matches etc.

Finally - some people making the stunningly obvious point.

You’re married (or at least seriously partnered-up). How did you make that deep connection with another human being, and why do you think friendship is any different?

@Fadingout

For those with friends….how do you know you’re not being too pushy? I’m very hesitant as I don’t want to text loads. I made a friend at a playgroup years ago and meet ups and now messages have dropped off (it takes her three months to return a message though it’s always long and lovely). I don’t like to think I’m bothering people.

Doesn't cross my mind to be honest.

There's nothing wrong with you OP, but clearly there is something very wrong with your social technique and that is something you can change, so that you learn how to make overtures that will develop into friendship. Making friends is a confusingly subtle process with so many unwritten rules, but some of them can be learned.

Why not make a project of developing and overcoming your shyness and then after you've worked on it, try it out very gently on some new people in social situations you sign up for or find yourself in? There are books and loads of free online resources. There's also a paid course by a man called David Morin who has the advantage of having been cripplingly shy himself and says lots of the advice given by extroverts just makes truly shy people curl up and die inside, so he knows how to approach this from the POV of shyness (I haven't done his course but have looked at lots of his free material online on behalf of someone and thought he looked good.)

As PPs have said, getting involved in a hobby you truly love for its own sake will really help. Do a couple of things each week because you genuinely want to - crafting, sport, furniture restoration - anything at all. And stick at it. It can take at least a year before anything like friendship evolves from a hobby class. I've been going to two fitness classes for over a year and just this month both of them tipped over from 'bye' at the end of the session as people shot out the door in different directions, to people standing chatting, going for coffee, giving each other small gifts. It took that long for people to switch from stranger to familiar. Give it time.

Doesn't cross my mind to be honest.

Same here, and not in an arrogant way, just that it's best to keep busy and have other irons in the fire so you don't have time to worry about if you're bothering people. Chances are she's in that boat and busy with life and meeting up isn't realistic right now, so I'd text her if something came up ('saw x and thought of you' or 'y is happening want to come?') but otherwise I'd focus on other people/activities. I'm not in touch regularly with some really good lifelong friends and that's fine on both sides. Others where contact tails off will have drifted away for good. But new people will have come into view too - friends of friends, people you meet at social events or new people at work etc - so once you're in that headspace, it doesn't become a big deal about one person not replying.

Rather than telling long stories, I tend to ask a question like 'have you seen [film]? And then if they say yes, it's mutual ground for your both. I appreciate that this is probably more appropriate when you're chatting in an office.

I would say don't get bogged down with your socialising 'technique'. Just be yourself, say hello and chat about topics like your children and whatever else you want to talk about.

If you're not working and taking part in hobbies, I would think the best place to meet people then are clubs for your DC/nursery.

And again, the worrying if you're bothering people is the self thing, even if it sounds like - and is intended to be - a nice thing caring about others.

Really it's worrying about how you come across rather than worrying about them - wanting to be liked, which is totally understandable. But if you can crack the switch to thinking about others, then as long as you know that friend hasn't gone quiet cos they're in trouble and may need your help, then there's nothing really to worry about. Get on with other stuff and see if they contact you or not. Either way, it's not really any reflection on you.

You sound like you could be a good listener, how about working on your questions? Asking open questions (without a yes or no answer) is a good way to start a conversation

I've joined Peanut the mums app and there is a meeting up in X town group. We meet every week now and whoever is free comes. It's been brilliant. Everyone is chatty though and someone who didn't say a word would probably stand out, which wouldn't bother some but might make you feel nervous. Perhaps think about a couple of things you could join in the conversation about first?

I just want to come on and give you a very unmumsnetty hug. It sounds really hard for you. Please don't question yourself, there's nothing wrong with YOU, just perhaps you've not met the right people or you're approaching it in the incorrect way.

As a person who has always made friends really easily I can't imagine how hard it must be. To shed some light from the opposite perspective: I'm a born extrovert from a big family of really strong, funny women. That makes a huge difference as I've had modelled behaviour all my life. I've also been taught not to give a shit what anyone thinks- I'm very take me as you find me, if I'm not your thing fine. I suppose that confidence makes a difference.

I've also made loads of friends from work- one of my closest friends was the flat mate of a guy I dated at work over 20 years ago. However, I have a wonderful girl group from toddlers 17 years ago! Actually one just messaged me right now. There's 5 of us and we've stayed friends all these years, our kids are friendly but don't now live nearby but that doesn't matter as it's our friendship that's the point.

There's also friends I've made through my boys- their clubs. The rugby club are always looking for people to help out/ join the women's section and it's really sociable. Is there a sport you might be interested in?

When your DS goes to school volunteer for the PTA- there's forever fetes to be at/ discos to be organised/ funds to raise/ toothbrushing initiatives. I'm not directly involved but help out at events and they're all lovely people.

You've had some great advice from PP. Good luck and take good care of yourself: you're enough.

@Puffalicious, you sound lovely.

What’s your family like @sotired6? My mum and dad are both shy and my mum was always massively bothered about what people thought and us just being right. I think that squished a lot of my confidence.

Try the peanut app! I too have always found it hard to and friends went to the baby groups and same cliques I wasn’t part of, I downloaded peanut and made a good friend on their and speak to a few others, we now meet once a week to take the kids out, soft play/lunch/ coffee whatever we plan to do, I would have been depressed otherwise staying in and not talking to other moms good luck and no theirs nothing wrong with you x

Fadingout thankyou, what a lovely thing to say. I think you're spot on saying it's a lot to do with our upbringing. My DH is naturally quiet because of a quiet mum. He adored his parents but recognises that he wasn't taken to things to increase his confidence like I was- scouting, swim lessons- it was only as he got older and seriously into sport himself that he became more confident. He also says that meeting the right partner (ie me! We've both been married before) has given him permission almost to embrace his silly, daft side and he's beginning to give less of a shit (after 11 years!) .

Sorry to hear that your confidence was squished. Remember that your voice is as important as everyone else's and you are, indeed, fabulous and people are lucky to have you as a friend.

[quote Fadingout]@Puffalicious, you sound lovely.

What’s your family like @sotired6? My mum and dad are both shy and my mum was always massively bothered about what people thought and us just being right. I think that squished a lot of my confidence.[/quote]
You can absolutely overcome childhood scripts about self-esteem or friendship, though, even though it takes a lot of effort.

My parents are both shy, socially timid loners, with some very odd ideas about friendship and indeed about other people in general, and I've long suspected my father is not neurotypical, which adds to the complications. I grew up with the idea that I was shy, quiet, an uninteresting mouse who could, at best, hope for a friendship of convenience with some other social outcast -- but really, in adulthood, you need to take responsibility for re-evaluating those childhood scripts, deciding what is and isn't of use to you, and leaving behind the unhelpful messages about friendship and self-esteem.

A good therapist will help.

spindrifting that's wonderful to hear. You're an inspiration.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP, reading with interest :-)

Op not easy. I met a few once they started school. Im late 40s. I have teens now. Do any mums meet up locally or could u suggest a playground and meet them

@Puffalicious

spindrifting that's wonderful to hear. You're an inspiration.

That's very nice of you to say -- I hope it didn't sound vainglorious. All I'm trying to say is that it's possible to rewrite those counterproductive 'lessons' we absorb when we're very young. Or, if not to leave them entirely behind us, to understand our parents' specific frailties and pressure points and why they acted and taught us as they did.

And try to model better behaviour around friendships and self-esteem for our own children.

I've just come back to the thread to find so much wonderful advice - thank you! I need to read through it all again later to take it in fully.

To answer a few questions though:

I met my lovely DH at work. He's very outgoing (the opposite of me!) and sort of pursued me really, for want of a better word! He did all the chasing and most of the talking to begin with, so made it very easy for me in that sense. I don't think friendships are comparable to that, as that sort of scenario wouldn't really happen when you're trying to make a new friend?

We do have a number of couple friends, but we only ever see them as a four (plus kids). I certainly wouldn't say I'm close enough to any of them to meet up for coffee or anything on my own - and it would seem a bit strange to ask I think, as our dynamic is very much meeting up as a four with all of them.

My parents were a bit like me and DH, polar opposites - my mother is very outgoing whilst my dad is very quiet. I clearly take after him in that department and my sister is more like my mum.

Addressing your social anxiety is obviously key, but you have to be careful that you don't end up trying to become something you're not. It's okay to admit that you're a bit shy!

my mum was always massively bothered about what people thought and us just being right.

How do you mean when you say 'us just being right', @Fadingout?

I'm really worried about passing on my own lack of confidence to my children.

It's hard making friends, keeping friends...

At the end of the day, it's no reflection on you. I think finding a group of like-minded souls is incredibly rare. Mostly when i listen to the pram crew at the school gates, they're just bitching and gossiping about whoever isn't there, so I don't think the friendships you see around you are necessarily that real, either.

At the end of the day, it's no reflection on you.

I know several posters have addressed this, but surely there's a chance that it could be a reflection on me - and that I'm genuinely just not a very likeable person? I hope not but I do think it's a possibility.