To be incapable of making friends

[sotired6]

I had very few friends at school because I was so shy and lacking in confidence. Then went to uni and made no friends at all - literally not one - because I was so afraid to reach out to people. I’m now 38, a FTM to a two year old boy and am still struggling. I go to many different toddler groups but never seem to gel with anyone - not to the point where I can ask them for their number. I did join an NCT group when pregnant but all the other women seemed to split off quite quickly into cliques and I was the only mum who wasn’t part of any of them.

I’m desperate for friends but there is clearly something wrong with me as I’m just not capable of making any.

Is there any hope for me or do I just need to accept that I’m going to remain friendless for the rest of my life?

My mum spent a lot of time comparing me to other kids. She had certain ideals and standards. Other people had big parties for things, I didn’t want to and she’d make me feel lesser because I didn’t want to. Same about clothes. I like jeans and jumpers and I’d be compared to my cousin who wore dresses. She’d push me into wearing dresses because that’s what she thought was expected. I was always shy and had low self esteem and it very much felt like my mum wanted me to suck it up and just get on with it. She once told me I wasn’t the kind of daughter she wanted and it’s a comment that has always stuck with me. On reflection I think deep down I’ve always felt if I wasn’t good enough for my mum, I wasn’t good enough for anyone else. Two of my children are autistic and when they were young they struggled with toddler groups and we used to end up at the park on our own. There was never any time to sit and chat as they needed to be watched constantly so years later they’re both at school but I’ve felt a bit like my confidence and social skills have disappeared.

I do have a lot of friends and am the sort of person who meets a friend at the bus stop

I’m late 40s now and I can reflect on how this was possible (still is! I still make new friends all the time which is tbh is sometimes a bit much)

Something someone said upthread is very true about me….I’ve always got a story. Stories that are mildly amusing about a million things. I’ve always had a natural curiosity about mundane things and some how have a knack of making an interesting story about pretty much any thing.

So along with a natural curiosity in other people, which means I ask questions about them, I always seem to have a ‘relatable story’ to tell, most often with a bit of humour / playfulness.

I think it’s something about natural curiosity. I am genuinely interested in people. I’ve also always done a lot of work on myself with self reflection to make sure my hang ups are at a minimum so they don’t come into my relationships.

I also don’t bitch about people. Ever. Mostly because I actually like most people. I’m sure we’d be friends op too 🤣

I guess @Fadingout was referring to always making sure you never do anything that isn't 'proper' or socially acceptable, even if it isn't what they wanted to do or it inconvenienced them. So many people base their lives on what other people might think, rather than what they want to do, which is very sad.

I certainly wouldn't say I'm close enough to any of them to meet up for coffee or anything on my own - and it would seem a bit strange to ask I think, as our dynamic is very much meeting up as a four with all of them.

Useful insight. Can I ask - do you not like them enough to get to know them better? Because it sounds again like a self-fulfilling dynamic - of course it's currently only meeting up as a four and you wouldn't get closer without making it so. If I liked one of them, I'd ask them for a coffee. Perhaps you don't want any of them as friends for you one-to-one, but that's different to being incapable of making them your friend.

I actually don't think making friends is so different to what your DH did to you. Obviously you can't doggedly pursue someone like in a romance, but you do have to make advances and let them know you like them and want to spend time with them. if you stay in the role of only wanting to be pursued by others, course you're unlikely to make any friends, but that doesn't mean you're incapable or not likeable. Just that you're perhaps not truly bothered unless someone else, like your DH, pushes it.

@sotired6

At the end of the day, it's no reflection on you.

I know several posters have addressed this, but surely there's a chance that it could be a reflection on me - and that I'm genuinely just not a very likeable person? I hope not but I do think it's a possibility.

I think it is quite possibly a ‘reflection on you’, but not at all in the sense that you’re not likeable, more likely that there are things that you’re doing or projecting in social situations that say ‘Nothing to see here’ or ‘I think I’m boring’, or ‘So desperate to make friends I feel self-conscious’ or ‘I’m not listening to you at all because I’m worrying what I just said was stupid” etc etc.

And I think @Pinkdelight3’s most recent post is absolutely right — dating isn’t so different to making friends in that both involve someone putting themselves out there to express an interest in knowing the other person better and risking rejection. And one of my closest friends really ‘pursued’ me when we were both postgrads — I had just arrived in a new country and was a bit distracted by stuff, but she put herself out to make it clear she was interested in being friends, and that was over 25 years ago.

I do sympathise with you OP. In my teens and twenties I had a wild social life, and a good circle of new friends at the start of my thirties through work and going out to a regular nightclub event for a particular genre of music. I never intended to lose contact with all of them, but did (some I was happy to in the end!).

It's a combination of kids, FT work (so no play dates with other mums) and moving further away and not being keen on driving that has caused this. My last circle of friends were all Europeans who went home (thanks Brexit for that, although I think the UK deteriorating was the main reason) , so I have one friend I've known my whole life and a couple of others who I mainly contact through WhatsApp. I rarely see them in the flesh. I've avoided Facebook as I hate most type of SM. I just wanted you to know that even people who have a great social life in the past can find themselves without many friends.

I do feel pretty lonely as I WFH too, but I actually feel like I don't have much room for friendships in my life at the moment as it's another thing to maintain, but I did wonder the other day how the hell I went from having loads of friends to hardly any! I used to work in a social job, which plugged the hole a bit for a while, so that might be an option for you. Stupidly I've had people ask me to go out, but as I've been breastfeeding for years I have turned it down so I can get my kids to sleep, so all this is partly my own fault.

I think meeting people through a common interest is easier, or if you can manage to have some time to yourself, volunteering for a charity might be good. You will always find overbearing characters everywhere, but generally people interested in a hobby or helping over people tend to be quite accepting, even if you are shy.

If you are struggling to find a hobby, look back to your past and what you excelled in or had interests in and start reading up on it or practice the skill at home, so it's less daunting around other people. Maybe go to a group with loads of older people first. They are usually very accepting and chatty, and you can practice initiating conversation with them.

@Thecurliestwurly I think what you say is spot on, a lot of people find themselves without (many) friends through a combination of work and caring responsibilities. Also, a lot of people I know are so stressed, they don't have the headspace for maintaining friendships or making new ones.
OP, my experience is that asking someone you like but don't know very well to go for a coffee often pays off. Someone has to make the first move! I think we're often so scared of coming across as weird/pushy that some beautiful opportunities for friendship are lost...
My now best friend made a huge effort initially to befriend me- I had young children at the time and didn't have the time to do this. I'll always be grateful to her for being proactive when I couldn't be.
Another close friend was quite shy when we first met and I invited her for coffee. I did most of the talking at first. That's evened out now we're more than 10 years down the line .

Wishing you luck in putting yourself out there, OP, it's scary, but you may find that the other person is really pleased you made the effort and you have a lovely time