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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift from DH

73 replies

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 14:33

I think I may be being a bit of a spoilt brat so happy to be told I am.

DH bought me a gift for our WA recently. Not stupidly expensive in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't really to my taste, so I asked him to send it back.

He's happy to send things back which in truth happens every so often and replace with something else but this time there is no replacement.

Recently I was looking at something I thought I'd like as a replacement and he asked me if I'd like it for Christmas.

I didn't say no I'd like it as a replacement for the one you sent back as was a bit shocked and thought maybe it was inappropriate.

We've had a hard couple of years relationship wise, entirely his fault, and I felt that maybe he was treating me to the WA present as a way of cementing our relationship but looks like I was wrong.

He did this a few years ago with a watch too.

Half of me wants to pull him up on it and half of me thinks I'm being a bit of a brat.

OP posts:
thebookworm1 · 29/09/2021 14:40

It sounds like you have a fairly materialistic approach to gifts - I know some people do tell givers when they get something they don’t like, but I somehow feel if you were moved by your dh’s effort you’d have valued the initial gift whether or not it would have been your personal choice.
Gifts aren’t about money so I can’t really see asking for a replacement as ok - it’s subjective though and some people would. If your dh’s approach to gifts is more sentimental and less materialistic, you’ll always be disappointed and he will always get hurt as you reject his efforts.

Nobody is really in the right / wrong here. It sounds like he’s trying - for the anniversary he tried a surprise and for Christmas he’s trying to check ahead of time.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/09/2021 14:43

@thebookworm1

It sounds like you have a fairly materialistic approach to gifts - I know some people do tell givers when they get something they don’t like, but I somehow feel if you were moved by your dh’s effort you’d have valued the initial gift whether or not it would have been your personal choice. Gifts aren’t about money so I can’t really see asking for a replacement as ok - it’s subjective though and some people would. If your dh’s approach to gifts is more sentimental and less materialistic, you’ll always be disappointed and he will always get hurt as you reject his efforts.

Nobody is really in the right / wrong here. It sounds like he’s trying - for the anniversary he tried a surprise and for Christmas he’s trying to check ahead of time.

I agree with this
RealBecca · 29/09/2021 14:43

I honestly think this is a prime example of why couples have a lot of fights, because its easier to fixate on the probpem you can articulate and resolve rather than the background problem that it just isnt working X

Bontanics · 29/09/2021 14:44

You think the present he bought you for your anniversary was a message that he was cementing your relationship but you then rejected that gift.

But the hard couple of years that you've had in your relationship is entirely his fault?

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 14:47

entirely his fault

Really? Is that why you are behaving like this - is it some sort of punishment for whatever caused the rough times. Nobody is blameless in relationship problems (unless he was violent, in which case presumably you would have split).

You do sound a bit materialistic and blinkered.

Cruiser11 · 29/09/2021 14:52

I’d be hurt if I bought my DH a present for our anniversary and he said he didn’t want it and asked me to send it back. I would then be really pissed off if he asked for something else.

HeartvsBrain · 29/09/2021 14:52

Sorry OP, but I probably wouldn't bother buying you any more presents ever, if that is your attitude.
Also, it is very unusual for something to ALWAYS be the one persons fault in arguments etc. If I was your partner I would be at least blaming you a bit for any relationship problems, as you do seem to be rather selfish or thoughtless - maybe both?

Cruiser11 · 29/09/2021 14:53

Well if he’s done something like had any affair then relationship problems are 100% his fault.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 14:56

@Cruiser11

Well if he’s done something like had any affair then relationship problems are 100% his fault.
You don't know that. I realise on MN that any man who has an affair is doing so in a vacuum, despite having a perfect home life, loving marriage etc but it is rarely that simple.
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2021 14:57

@Cruiser11

Well if he’s done something like had any affair then relationship problems are 100% his fault.
No, I think that's simplistic. Affairs don't always pop out from nowhere. Someone is looking for something. That doesn't mean I condone them in any way but just saying, "this is his issue to sort out' won't solve the issues.
girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 14:58

I think you're being a brat. He went above and beyond to get you a nice gift and you throw it back in his face and expect a replacement of your choosing? That's not how gifts work.

And it's not even the first time you've done it...

Cruiser11 · 29/09/2021 14:58

No I don’t think it’s a vacuum but I think the person having the affair should leave the marriage before starting an affair. No iffs, no butts.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2021 15:00

@Cruiser11

No I don’t think it’s a vacuum but I think the person having the affair should leave the marriage before starting an affair. No iffs, no butts.
I agree. But if they don't, and the wife stays afterwards, she has to look at the antecedents as well.
Cruiser11 · 29/09/2021 15:02

I don’t understand what antecedents means.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 15:02

I agree. But if they don't, and the wife stays afterwards, she has to look at the antecedents as well.

Exactly that. They are still together but she clearly thinks that any issues are not her fault

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2021 15:10

@Cruiser11

I don’t understand what antecedents means.
Stuff leading up to the event.
QueenoftheKarens · 29/09/2021 15:11

You rejected his gift, I'd be so hurt if my DH did that. YABU to expect a replacement gift, slightly brattish behaviour.

Original poster
VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 15:12

It was an emotional affair. A huge breakdown of trust. He admits that there was a vacuum of sorts in his life because of choices he's made and he chose something damaging to our relationship to fill the vacuum.

I thought we were at a better place in our relationship than we'd ever been before it happened and since I've found out he acknowledges what was wrong and has changed.

The gift was lovely but it's something I'd never wear (say if you don't wear earrings but your partner bought you a pair of earrings) and wasn't hugely expensive but was expensive enough for it to be a complete waste of money sitting in a box.

He has no issues with me returning gifts and it's been a running joke for years.

I won't mention it. Thanks for the reality check.

OP posts:
Cruiser11 · 29/09/2021 15:15

MrsTerryPratchett ok thanks, I understand what you are saying but how does that apply to some idiot of a man who likes having his ego stroked by a pretty young woman at work. How can that be partly the wife’s fault ? Is it her fault for not being 23 anymore?

suspiria777 · 29/09/2021 15:20

what did you get him as an anniversary present?

1forAll74 · 29/09/2021 15:20

I could not be worrying or concerned about gifts within a marriage, it's all too petty. People often make mistakes with presents, ie, getting things that are not quite right, and causing someone to get upset or annoyed about things.. I never once said to my late Husband, that I would have liked this or that,for a birthday, Christmas, anniversary etc. it was not that important in our lives.

Biscuits1 · 29/09/2021 15:21

I often return DH gifts because he is just clueless when it comes to buying presents. Its only normally if its expensive as we aren't rich so its silly to keep things I don't want. However I've never required him to buy me a replacement. I would just wait until Christmas as at least you know you will be getting something you want.

Triffid1 · 29/09/2021 15:28

I don't really understand - if it's fairly standard for you to agree to return/exchange gifts. When you showed him what you liked, why not just say, "I was thinking this would be a good WA gift to replace the one we sent back?" I can easily imagine a situation where he 100% FORGOT about the entire WA gift and return thing (unless it was yesterday). Because that's the kind of thing I do then a week later suddenly my sub conscious will prompt me.

While I do 100% believe that women shouldn't have to spell things out all the time (eg the washing needing doing shouldn't need a three point action plan provided by someone's wife), I do think it can go too far the other way in expecting people to read your mind.

gamerchick · 29/09/2021 15:35

What did you get him?

Personally if my bloke had a habit of rejecting what I got him and asking me to send it back I'd just be asking for a list I could refer to throughout the year.

I wouldnt be getting a replacement in his shoes.

I don't understand why you're bringing up the emotional affair. Are you punishing him? If you decide to carry on the relationship then you have to put it to bed imo.

Original poster
VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 16:01

I got him something thoughtful and something he was very pleased with.

I don't bring up the affair, I said in my original post that we'd had a hard couple of years and posters commented saying it could have been an affair. So I expanded and explained that it had been an emotional affair.

Really I should just have said, I'd prefer this instead as would wear/use it. I didn't at the time as was a bit surprised he'd bought it for me and had 100 other things to deal with in terms of DC changing schools and one going away to uni.

I'm just not going to mention it to him. He does usually ask me and I tell him rough ideas, the thing he got me he saw in an email sent to him as had bought stuff for me there before. I wasn't being ungrateful it was just not something I'd ever wear.

OP posts:
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