Gift from DH

[VitalsStable]

I think I may be being a bit of a spoilt brat so happy to be told I am.

DH bought me a gift for our WA recently. Not stupidly expensive in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't really to my taste, so I asked him to send it back.

He's happy to send things back which in truth happens every so often and replace with something else but this time there is no replacement.

Recently I was looking at something I thought I'd like as a replacement and he asked me if I'd like it for Christmas.

I didn't say no I'd like it as a replacement for the one you sent back as was a bit shocked and thought maybe it was inappropriate.

We've had a hard couple of years relationship wise, entirely his fault, and I felt that maybe he was treating me to the WA present as a way of cementing our relationship but looks like I was wrong.

He did this a few years ago with a watch too.

Half of me wants to pull him up on it and half of me thinks I'm being a bit of a brat.

Sounds like he’s tired of you sending things he gets you back, if ‘it’s been a running joke for years’. Let it go.

Honestly you sound a bit of a horror to be in a relationship with

@Aprilx

I think you were rude and ungracious. I also cannot see the point in telling my husband what to buy me as a gift. I might as well just buy it myself if that is the case. I appreciate his gifts because of the thought that he puts into it.

He didn't put any thought into it. That's the problem.

@VitalsStable

Lukeevanswife do you have skin in the game so to speak?

None at all. I just think it's unhealthy to wallow and you seem determined to make him pay (and keep paying) for what he did. Even your first post made it clear that everything was his fault.

Life's too short to live like that

I'm with you here op. If after all that trauma in a relationship - and let's be honest here the person that does the forgiving when it comes to an affair unwingling has to put in the most effort for it to work afterwards, for your partner to give you a thoughtless gift that's on a date which is significant to your relationship.

I would be pissed too. And would see it as a big statement towards his feelings on the relationship. It's something so simple yet so meaningful.

I know others would happily look past it. But not after everything you've gone through. You deserve a present with some god damn consideration that's gone into it!

YANBU!!!

You are not being unreasonable to read into the emotional affair, the fact he's said he was unhappy for two years, the gift that you didn't like and the fact that he didn't replace the gift when you rejected it that he really isn't into this.

Trauma in a relationship? Wow. It's not compulsory to stay if you are that traumatised by your DH seeking out someone else

@Yummypumpkin

You are not being unreasonable to read into the emotional affair, the fact he's said he was unhappy for two years, the gift that you didn't like and the fact that he didn't replace the gift when you rejected it that he really isn't into this.

He didn't say he was unhappy for 2 years. The EA was 2 years ago. He is into this, when it was bad he begged me to stay with him, he's realised he did a shitty thing snd has changed enormously . His demeanour wasn't one of unhappiness before the EA, he was just not one of life's effervescent people, took lots of things far too seriously and was down on himself. Said he didn't know why I was with him as he had such a bad opinion of himself. I never felt like that about him. I thought he was amazing, thought I was the lucky one.

@LukeEvansWife

Trauma in a relationship? Wow. It's not compulsory to stay if you are that traumatised by your DH seeking out someone else

I know it's not compulsory, if I wanted to leave I could.

Sounds like you are struggling to cope with it still though - is a present really going to put that right?

I think it's a shame that people plod on together - you even said you don't love him in the same way.

If my partner told me to return his gift (for any reason other than the wrong size was bought) I wouldn't be replacing it. I would see it as a snub.

He has bought me jewelry in the past which isn't to my taste, I still wear it when going out etc. As I still appreciate the gift and the thoughtfulness from him to take time to choose the gift

Sorry OP I did misread the two year thing.

@LukeEvansWife you say that like no one else would be heavily affected in the ops shoes.

Too many times on this website I've read people posting acting all above the op when in actuality they would not accept or tolerate anything that they are trying to preach. Like you would be happy if your husband that cheated on you but it's trying to make things right gave you a half arsed gift on your wedding anniversary. Sorry mate not buying it.

[quote Brokeandtired3]@LukeEvansWife you say that like no one else would be heavily affected in the ops shoes.

Too many times on this website I've read people posting acting all above the op when in actuality they would not accept or tolerate anything that they are trying to preach. Like you would be happy if your husband that cheated on you but it's trying to make things right gave you a half arsed gift on your wedding anniversary. Sorry mate not buying it.[/quote]
You don't have to tolerate it. That's the point. If the OP can't move on from it after two years then all the presents in the world aren't going to change that. You either stay married and forgive or you go your separate ways

I'm with @frazzledasarock on this.

OP, I certainly don't think you are a brat or anything approaching it.

You are clearly married a long time and after a very painful period in your marriage, you have been given something as a WA gift that is unwearable and not you at all.

Why wouldn't he know this?
Or is it futher disregard?

Him returning it and not further bothering?

Wow!

I think you have been way too forgiving, way too soon.

He is taking your forgiveness for granted.

I certainly am not a believer that women should accept scraps and be grateful.

Screw that.

OP, spell it out to him.

He sounds tedious.

@Dutch1e

I get the feeling this situation sort of illustrates an overall lack of thoughtfulness and care.

YANBU to want a partner who likes you.

I agree with this. You sound like someone who sees gifts as representative of his feelings for you. If he is aware of this (and he must be if you have been in a long relationship) and he still bought you something you have no use for, it indicates a complete lack of care for you. Surely he would buy you things that he knows you would like or take pleasure from, rather than any old thing and not be bothered about whether you would have a use for it.

I wouldn't think twice about saying I preferred something different, not because I'm materialistic though, quite the reverse.
It would grieve me to think of what a waste of money to keep something I want keen on and therefore wouldn't get much, if any, use from.

@LukeEvansWife

I think it's a shame that people plod on together - you even said you don't love him in the same way.

Correct OP did say this, but she also said it may be a good thing!

I see nowhere in OPs post that indicates they're "plodding" on, they discussed what happened and decided to rebuild their relationship.

I think OP should voice her views, she's a different person the the one that she was pretty EA. Honesty, is needed in any relationship.

Thank you all for your advice.

We talked, he understood why I was upset, he'll rectify the situation today. He thought what he bought me was so amazing that I'd actually wear it although I just find wearing them uncomfortable and only do so when going out once in a blue moon. In my head if you're going to buy something that lovely and not cheap you wear it all the time. There's no point in spending that money and it sitting in a box.

He didn't replace the watch because I haven't chosen the one I want yet. Thinking about it it's true, I know which one I want but not which configuration.

This is hard, it's been hard for the last couple of years. He makes mistakes, I'm sure I do too but we're trying, we're trying because we still love each other. As much as it hurts sometimes, I'd be more unhappy without him than I am now.

And before this happened I'd be the first one to say LTB and get all sneery with those sad women who stick by cheating men but when it happens to you it's like the most awful pain, knowing someone you loved chose to hurt you. Anyway we're moving on, trying, it may not work but hopefully it will and we'll grow older together.

And LukeEvansWife I'll never love him like I did, it was all encompassing, I would have done anything for him, trusted him with my heart, gave birth to his kids and he cheated.

I don't know what to say other than in this situation at this moment I feel like it'll never be the same, I'll keep a part of me safe for the time being, maybe it will change over the years as we grow old but I don't know and all I can be is honest about how I feel. You may think it's wrong but it's not your life so you don't get to decide if it's wrong or right.

I have friends who have husbands who cheat, I used to think they were weak, sad individuals but you know they aren't, they're women just trying to get through it, doing their best, some will bide their time and leave when the kids are older, some will be betrayed again and it'll go nuclear and some, hopefully me will never feel the pain of betrayal again.

I agree, I don't know how a love could revert to the same depth after a partner is unfaithful.
Once trust is broken it can never be put back to the way it was.

Like a cup that breaks, it can be glued carefully with all the pieces there, but the cracks where the glue is will always remain.
That is not saying that a couple cannot move forward and be happy, but only a stupid person would have 100% faith in someone who cheated.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I can well imagine women staying and wanting to move on and not drop a bomb in the lives of their children, but I also can well imagine the love definitely not being the same.

That is just cop on as far as I'm concerned and wise self preservation.

Love and trust are delicate things, once broken, they generally can never be the same.

That doesn't mean that people can't move forward and still be successful in a relationship, but just differently.

Best of luck going forward.

@billy1966

I agree, I don't know how a love could revert to the same depth after a partner is unfaithful. Once trust is broken it can never be put back to the way it was.

Like a cup that breaks, it can be glued carefully with all the pieces there, but the cracks where the glue is will always remain.
That is not saying that a couple cannot move forward and be happy, but only a stupid person would have 100% faith in someone who cheated.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I can well imagine women staying and wanting to move on and not drop a bomb in the lives of their children, but I also can well imagine the love definitely not being the same.

That is just cop on as far as I'm concerned and wise self preservation.

Love and trust are delicate things, once broken, they generally can never be the same.

That doesn't mean that people can't move forward and still be successful in a relationship, but just differently.

Best of luck going forward.

That's lovely and yes, so very true. Thank you.