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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gift from DH

73 replies

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 14:33

I think I may be being a bit of a spoilt brat so happy to be told I am.

DH bought me a gift for our WA recently. Not stupidly expensive in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't really to my taste, so I asked him to send it back.

He's happy to send things back which in truth happens every so often and replace with something else but this time there is no replacement.

Recently I was looking at something I thought I'd like as a replacement and he asked me if I'd like it for Christmas.

I didn't say no I'd like it as a replacement for the one you sent back as was a bit shocked and thought maybe it was inappropriate.

We've had a hard couple of years relationship wise, entirely his fault, and I felt that maybe he was treating me to the WA present as a way of cementing our relationship but looks like I was wrong.

He did this a few years ago with a watch too.

Half of me wants to pull him up on it and half of me thinks I'm being a bit of a brat.

OP posts:

SquirrelFan · 29/09/2021 16:43

EA aside, a gift you won't use is not a gift. I am surprised by pps saying he must be hurt and you sound picky. When you give a gift, it is because you want the receiver to be happy! If they're not, and they tell you (politely), then you change it! Although if his taste /perception consistently falls short, it's probably a better idea for you two to choose any gifts together from now on. I just send links of what I'd like to my husband! And we're both really happy.

Iloveabourbon2 · 29/09/2021 16:51

I think it's bad manners OP and it's an expectation that had lead you to disappointment on this occasion.

Does it have to be about gifts anyways? Perhaps go out for a trip or something.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 17:42

OP - if you consider the EA and subsequent problems to be completely his fault, why forgive him? Or is it just so he knows he's being punished?

Him having an EA does not absolve you of any responsibility, despite what they say on here

Dutch1e · 29/09/2021 17:47

I get the feeling this situation sort of illustrates an overall lack of thoughtfulness and care.

YANBU to want a partner who likes you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2021 17:47

Interesting thread.

You were setting up to fail by making the gift so significant I think. What could he have given you that would adequately have cemented the progress you thought had been made?

Ladybyrd · 29/09/2021 17:52

Either tell him you'd like it as a replacement gift or buy it for yourself.

I don't know why these threads have to turn into a personal attack on the OP for being materialistic. Similarly, I think it's silly expecting someone to read your mind. Just be clear.

EL8888 · 29/09/2021 18:00

Personally l would pull him up on that, especially with the affair backstory. It’s like me buying my fiancé some aftershave, he doesn’t like aftershave and doesn’t wear it. I find it hard to believe he couldn’t have put more thought into a gift for you

BreathingDeep · 29/09/2021 18:08

OP, I think you're right to be a bit narked that he pocketed the refund after he bought something that wasn't right, rather than offering to get you something else with that money. It's not the end of the world that he chose something that you wouldn't really get use out of - I'm sure we've all bought dud presents in the past - but to then take the refund and offer nothing as an exchange seems a little off, especially after what sounds like a difficult couple of years.

Original poster

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 18:10

I'm not saying he was entirely responsible for any faults in our marriage, which I thought was good, he is at fault for having an EA as a way to solve what he thought was wrong with his life. He is very senior in his career and had little time for anything outside of work and family. I have a great social life, school mums, work and long term friends, he looked at me and was a bit jealous I suppose of that side of my life, although I was always there for him and supported him and tried to encourage him with hobbies and friends but he never seemed too interested, said he didn't need that. Then he did need a friend, a friend that led to lies and a whole world of hurt feelings for me.

I did punish him for a while, withdrew and hurt him deliberately but he was patient and understood why I felt like I did. It was fucking hard. But things have turned a corner and I just attached more meaning to the gift than I should have I suppose. More fool me.

I don't expect big ticket items or trips away and he had put thought into his gift. Just not enough for it to be suitable.

I'll speak him later when the youngest is in bed. I don't usually not speak up and say something but on this occasion it just hit a nerve.

Thank you everyone for your input.

OP posts:

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 18:10

Pocketed the refund? You mean he had his own money back? Probably didn't buy you an alternative present in case it was wrong again.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 18:11

Sounds like you are still punishing him.

Ionlydomassiveones · 29/09/2021 18:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

rainyskylight · 29/09/2021 18:17

I think if someone is still hurting they can go looking for something to be indignant and hurt about. It’s very rare for gifts to be absolutely spot on. If you’d received the gift without all the residual hurt or perhaps would have been taken more positively, as something you wouldn’t wear often but appreciate the thought.

I used to do this with my mother when I was a teenager, it was effectively an expression of “you don’t love me or know me at all!! How could you get me this!”

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 18:24

Friend of mine's father had an affair before they had children but she stayed with him for 40 years and had four kids. She brought it up all the time and the kids grew up with very unhealthy ideas about relationships

Ladybyrd · 29/09/2021 18:26

"I used to do this with my mother when I was a teenager, it was effectively an expression of “you don’t love me or know me at all!! How could you get me this!”

I think so many arguments could be avoided if people said what they meant rather than expecting people to guess, and if they don't, acting like they've failed a test.

My partner bought me a scarf I didn't like. Hyacinth Bucket would have called it old fashioned. I said I was very sorry, but I didn't like it. Shame on me. I suppose I should have worn it every day.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 29/09/2021 18:30

I'll speak him later when the youngest is in bed. I don't usually not speak up and say something but on this occasion it just hit a nerve

No, you've made it quite clear you've never had a problem speaking up when a gift isn't to your taste in the past, as lots of PP have said, let this go. If you continue attaching so much significance to this gift when "things have turned a corner" no good is going to come of it.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 18:34

Wonder why he felt he needed a friend?

Original poster

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 18:36

Because he didn't have any. Or he did but not close friends as he'd not bothered with keeping up with the ones he previously had. I encouraged him to go play golf with them, go for nights out but his reply was that he didn't need to. He said he was happy to be here with me and DC.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 29/09/2021 18:39

I totally disagree with the majority here.

You’re not being a brat.

How thoughtful is the gift if it’s something you wouldn’t even use. Doesn’t seem to know you at all.

I be spent pods on gifts for DH in the past but it’s on things I know for a fact he’s hankering after, and has been discussing with me and getting excited about getting soon.

Same for DH, I think my favourite was an orchid he bought me which was probably super cheap from Tesco's but he remembered I love orchids. It was a thoughtful gift with me a hundred percent in mind.

I’d definitely tell him you’ll have whatever you were looking at as your anniversary gift as you had to return the other thing.

I wouldn’t sit quietly and accept it, as then how does he know he’s got it competent wrong. And secondly you’re upset about it. Sort out a solution for it.

Also how do you feel in general about your H after the few years you’ve gone through with him having an EA?

Original poster

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 18:50

@LukeEvansWife

But I'm not punishing him. We talk about it occasionally, have a little cry and move on.

I do love him, he's changed, is less morose, he had imposter syndrome for years and always felt unlucky, couple that with an emotionally unavailable family and low self esteem it was a little trying sometimes. I think I always tried to make things perfect for us all to try to counteract his personality, now I know that this was probably very tiring but I thought if everything was just so he at least wouldn't have to worry about anything else, it may make him happy or at least show his happiness as I generally do. Now he is happier and finally shows it, says he didn't realise what a lovely life we had until he was in danger of losing it.

Then bam, the bomb drops and after all the fallout he's a different person, realises what he has and is lighter, happier and more involved.

I suppose it's part of me wanting perfection (a lot to do with my dysfunctional upbringing) and when it doesn't happen I'm stupidly hurt, more so than most others.

Anyway, I'll figure it out somehow.

I suppose the EA made me put more gravitas on the gift than it was given with. (Not sure that even makes sense when I write it down).

Thank you

OP posts:

Cruiser11 · 29/09/2021 19:37

A couple of years is nothing when trying to recover from any type of affair. The pain is so bad it will take time to fade if indeed it ever dies.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 19:38

@Cruiser11

A couple of years is nothing when trying to recover from any type of affair. The pain is so bad it will take time to fade if indeed it ever dies.

Then let the person go. You either forgive or you don't, but there comes a point you have to stop holding it over someone

Original poster

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 19:39

@Cruiser11

A couple of years is nothing when trying to recover from any type of affair. The pain is so bad it will take time to fade if indeed it ever dies.

Thank you. It seems like we're getting somewhere now but things will never be the same, that may be a good thing in some respects, I'll never love him like I did but I do love him.

OP posts:

Original poster

VitalsStable · 29/09/2021 19:41

Lukeevanswife do you have skin in the game so to speak?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 29/09/2021 19:43

I think you were rude and ungracious. I also cannot see the point in telling my husband what to buy me as a gift. I might as well just buy it myself if that is the case. I appreciate his gifts because of the thought that he puts into it.

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