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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it wouldn't be so bad if he paid once in a while...

61 replies

moneyme · 29/09/2021 01:00

My boyfriend is from a culture that’s a little more traditional and men are expected to pay for everything.

I’m fiercely financially independent and always have been. I was married for 15 years and was the main earner. As such, I’ve always asserted that I don’t expect to be paid for by him and I know he finds that refreshing.

This is my first time ever dating someone who earns more than me (and he has infinitely more disposable income) but we still always take turns paying or split the bill.

However BF is very generous, particularly with him female friends (of which he has many), and sometimes I feel decidedly un-feminist about it all.

I can’t help feel a bit of a jealous twinge when he says he’s taking a female friend out to buy her dinner.

This week he went out with a mixed group of friends and commented the bill was very expensive and that one of the ladies had offered to help pay but ‘obviously’ the guys refused.
I couldn’t help but comment ‘funny…you never refuse when I offer to help pay….’.

I know this is a product of me absolutely insisting that I don’t expect to be paid for. He’s actually super generous and always offers to pay for random things (I’ll see something I like and he’ll say ‘why don’t I buy it for you?’), and I’m always super embarrassed and say no thank you. I’ve never once been able to bring myself to accept, although I’d love to.

Likewise I always offer to split the bill when the bill comes for dinner, and he generally accepts.

However, once in a while, I wouldn’t mind him taking me out the way he does with his friends and insisting on paying the bill. Who doesn’t want to be treated a little?!

Not sure how (or if…) to do anything about this or just to accept that I created this dynamic and just to be proud of myself for my financial independence and the fact my relationship is so balanced and happy.

OP posts:

GianaSister · 29/09/2021 01:46

I’ve always asserted that I don’t expect to be paid for by him

He’s actually super generous and always offers to pay for random things (I’ll see something I like and he’ll say ‘why don’t I buy it for you?’), and I’m always super embarrassed and say no thank you.

However, once in a while, I wouldn’t mind him taking me out the way he does with his friends and insisting on paying the bill. Who doesn’t want to be treated a little?!

You!

YABU, but I think deep down you know it. If you want to be treated then stop saying no when he tries to do just that.

Original poster

moneyme · 29/09/2021 01:52

@GianaSister

I’ve always asserted that I don’t expect to be paid for by him

However, once in a while, I wouldn’t mind him taking me out the way he does with his friends and insisting on paying the bill. Who doesn’t want to be treated a little?!

You!

YABU, but I think deep down you know it. If you want to be treated then stop saying no when he tries to do just that.

I do know I've brought it on myself. I'm just not sure how to change it. Old habits die hard!

OP posts:

GianaSister · 29/09/2021 01:54

I do know I've brought it on myself. I'm just not sure how to change it.

But it doesn’t seem like a difficult situation or impossible solution to me? Next time he offers, say “ok, thanks”.

Original poster

moneyme · 29/09/2021 02:04

@GianaSister

I do know I've brought it on myself. I'm just not sure how to change it.

But it doesn’t seem like a difficult situation or impossible solution to me? Next time he offers, say “ok, thanks”.

You're right. It seems bloody obvious when you put it like that!

I think the ingrained independence runs so deep that that didn't really even feel like an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

moneyme · 29/09/2021 02:07

I think, if I'm honest, I also know he really likes the fact I don't have that expectation, unlike previous girlfriends.

As a result, I feel like I have to maintain it 100% of the time. I'm not sure how to admit that once in a while I actually do love the feeling of being treated/looked after!

OP posts:

Bombaloorina · 29/09/2021 02:11

Next time just say - ‘OK, thanks! Oh, and I’m not going to make a habit about this, in case your curious! But every now and then, it’s actually nice to be treated’.

You can even throw in a ‘and I’ll do the same for you!’ if you feel like it.

This is easily fixed.

Chilver · 29/09/2021 02:40

Do you ever randomly treat him?

Because one way to maintain your financial independence is to accept his offers every now and again, but then also do the same for him every now and again. Otherwise deep down it seems you do want the 'traditional' looking after by a man and its only your pride that's stopping you.

Ikeatears · 29/09/2021 02:43

Offer to take him out and pay for dinner. He may then feel more comfortable about reciprocating and not risking offending you.

GrandmasCat · 29/09/2021 02:46

I had the same problem, until I forced myself to learn how to say “how nice of you, thank you!” (I still earn my own salary, pay my own mortgage and bills so my independence was never under threat)

GrandmasCat · 29/09/2021 02:50

I have found that men who earn the real big money wouldn’t dream of letting you pay… unless you make it loud and clear they will be offending you if they do.

May also recommend a controversial book, which I only have half read, The Surrendered Wife. The main premise if the book is not submitting but learning to shut your mouth and say thank you when they are trying to be nice to you. Great help after a life of being fiercely financially independent (or macro efficient)

Shelddd · 29/09/2021 03:09

Want to know how to maintain your financial independence????

Keep earning well, and put it all in the bank/invest it.

Let him pay for whatever he offers. He obviously is loose with his money and he probably offers it without expectations (that's how it seems from your post).

You won't be financially dependant on him if you save away your own money and keep earning. Dont increase your expenses.

There is no reason not to let him pay the bills.

Hakunapotato · 29/09/2021 03:33

I mean this kindly, is it really that hard to tell him what you’ve told us here? It sounds like you are in a good relationship, so this kind of conversation should be no problem. Just say it

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2021 03:40

You're being hard work. He wants to treat you, the one stopping it is you, and then you're upset about it. Stop being so silly about it all. You don't keep a scorecard in a healthy relationship.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 06:21

Hmmm do you ever treat him?

Your logic is so skewed on one side you say you want to be independent but a large part of that is clearly simply because you think it impresses him.

In reality the truth is you’d like him to pay for you and you’re no different to the rest of his girlfriends,

Original poster

moneyme · 29/09/2021 06:34

@Bluntness100

Hmmm do you ever treat him?

Your logic is so skewed on one side you say you want to be independent but a large part of that is clearly simply because you think it impresses him.

In reality the truth is you’d like him to pay for you and you’re no different to the rest of his girlfriends,

Yes, I do treat him. Sometimes he treats me too - we kind of take turns.

I absolutely don't only do it to impress him.

I think i'm just conflicted by ingrained independent side of me and the slight uncomfortable feeling of hearing him tell me about how he is taking a friend out for dinner.

OP posts:

FellInLoveWithABanana · 29/09/2021 06:46

I don’t understand. You’ve said he doesn’t treat you and now you’ve said he sometimes treats you.

Is this about him paying or is there something else bugging you?

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 06:56

I don’t understand either, so he does treat you. What’s this thread about then?

Original poster

moneyme · 29/09/2021 07:33

@Bluntness100

I don’t understand either, so he does treat you. What’s this thread about then?

He treats me for sure, in the sense that sometimes I pay and sometimes he pays.

We do this because logistically it's easier than splitting the bill.

But it comes from a place of 'do you want to just get this and I'll get the next one' rather than 'no, this one's my treat'.

OP posts:

GloomAndDoom · 29/09/2021 07:36

I can’t help feel a bit of a jealous twinge when he says he’s taking a female friend out to buy her dinner. then next time he offers to buy you something say ok thanks that's kind of you.

Original poster

moneyme · 29/09/2021 07:39

I should add, I'm not annoyed at him about any of it. He's completely wonderful.

I just think I've made a bit of a rod for my own back with insisting on always paying my way, because I feel like it might actually feel nice to be treated. Totally my fault, not his!

OP posts:

GloomAndDoom · 29/09/2021 07:40

Yeah I get you, just talk to him. Sounds like he would love to treat you really!

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 07:49

Argh, lost a long post.

Bottom line: there’s a reason he’s telling you that he won’t let women pay. I pick up tabs with friends sometime. I have never felt the need to tell my husband afterwards who I patronisingly over-rode to pay, not caring about their discomfort at being patronised.

Why is he telling you this all the time?

My bet, he doesn’t find your attitude “refreshing” at all. He’s patronisingly indulging your quirk whilst still trying to over ride it.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 08:05

Actually I’d take the opposite he is trying to show off and has no desire to pay for the op, hence the comments he finds it refreshing, as in he doesn’t like women with their hand out. Friends occasionally is different.

I understand what you’re saying op. However it’s a very difficult message to deliver with any form of panache or class thay you’d like him to pay for you but not reciprocate as you are now

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/09/2021 08:15

I understand op and I am very similar.

I have been a single parent for going on 4 years so although I receive money from my dc's dad, I work and am responsible for paying our bills, etc so I have to be careful with my money.

My ex husband was also terrible with money so although he earned a decent wage, I had to make sure there was enough in our joint account to cover bills, etc.

When I started dating after my separation, I found it hard to accept 'treats' from men (buying me dinner etc) and always insisted I at least pay half. My bf of 2 years earns more than I do and whenever he offers to pay for something or buy me something I pretty much always refuse (but say thanks of course). I just can't get out of my financially independent mindset and part of me also feels that single mums can have a bad enough time anyway with other people's assumptions so I want to show that I can manage without any help.

I might try saying "thanks, that would be lovely" once in a while though.

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2021 08:24

It feels like you’re trying to find a problem where there isn’t one. Just say yes when he offers.

I think it was hard to hear him therefore tell me that a female friend had offered to pay her way this week, but he didn't let her, explicitly commenting that the guys on the table (he and another friend) wouldn't let their female friends pay.’
This to me is a problem. Why is not letting women make their own decision a good thing? It’s so depressing that women actively seem to want to not have their wishes respected.

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