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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner signed off work with depression again - AIBU?

97 replies

Beachyrain94 · 28/09/2021 16:07

Hello all, i'm hoping this is the right place to ask and just generally get some advice if possible. I'm new here so please bare with me and i'll try to get to the point..

Long story short, i've been with my partner now for 5 years, who has 50/50 custody of his daughter with his ex. We have lived together for nearly 4 years, and worked through some pretty rough times together - I'm sure I don't need to go into too much detail about court proceedings and child arrangements anyway but i'm sure you get the gist...

Around 2018/2019, my partners mental health really took a battering, and he was signed off work for a month and diagnosed with severe depression. He started taking anti-depressants (one really did not agree with him so he had to change over which in itself was a very emotionally and physically difficult time). He also started drinking heavily during this time, getting through up to half a litre if not more of vodka per night. Throughout this time I supported him every way I could, taking on 99% of the daily tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning etc and even taking on a part time weekend job (on top of my full time job) as after the month of SSP wore off he was earning very little.

The very 'rough time' wore off after about 6 months of the anti-depressants and since then it was smooth sailing. That was until June of last year when my dad was diagnosed with S4 NET bowel cancer and passed away quickly after, shortly followed (five months later) by his step dad passing away who had S4 pancreatic cancer and had been battling on and off for 3 years. I was so proud of my partner as he stopped drinking as soon as my dad died, which lasted for 10 months and everything seemed to be doing okay, but now he has started again and it seems to be getting out of hand.

To cut the long story short, he's been signed off work again with depression and is due to be changing his medication to something different - the doctor fears it might be 'wearing off' so to speak. I know this is going to sound awfully selfish and I wouldn't blame any of you for shouting at me in the comments, but i'm absolutely dreading it.

Whilst i'm earning a bit more now so the money isn't worrying me, i'm VERY apprehensive about how the medication change is going to go and really don't have the emotional or physical capacity to be taking on all of the housework again as well as looking after my step-daughter day to day, finishing my part-time masters dissertation and obviously the full-time job. It's causing me to panic massively and emotionally shut down because I'm feeling this bitter resentment towards him for taking the 'easy route', when I know logically I really need to be at my best to support him and just suck it up.

I've had a difficult time of it too this last year struggling with grief for my dad, stress at work and with uni, and feel like this is just going to finish me off as well :(

AIBU about being kind of annoyed at him for being signed off again? Sorry for rambling, I guess I just needed to vent..

OP posts:

FreshFreesias · 28/09/2021 18:51

I’d walk away.
What good will it do if you collapse under the strain of his endless problems.
I hope you leave for your sake and your child.

Therealjudgejudy · 28/09/2021 19:00

As usual @billy1966 has nailed it with the advice

Good luck op

TweetyPieBird · 28/09/2021 19:01

What do you get out of this relationship? The entire time you’ve been with him he’s been depressed. You’ve supported him for 4 years. It’s time for you to be happy and consider your own MH. You’re simply his carer.

Notaroadrunner · 28/09/2021 19:03

His dd is better of staying with her mum rather than watch him self destruct with his vodka. You would be better off leaving him and having a life for yourself - not living your life to serve him when he can't be arsed trying to help himself. He clearly needs more than antidepressants if they are not working alone. Has he ever tried therapy? He needs to quit drinking altogether. Imagine a gp telling an alcoholic to simply cut down - I can't and I imagine your partner is full of shit with regard to what he's telling you. Tell his ex that it is not safe for dad to have her until he's in a position where he can mind her. And you get out asap.

user1481840227 · 28/09/2021 19:04

@Dddccc

Oh wow my dh suffers anxiety and depression he is on meds he also drinks but its the only why he can sleep and not every night just a few nights a week he has just lost 2 ppl he cares about so yeah he has hit rock bottom again, being signed off work is for his benefit but give him a short list everyday of stuff to do and get him out the house daily he will still be able to function he just needs care and direction not he his taking it easy I really dont think you understand how bad he will me mentally right now also sounds like he would benefit from therapy

Doesn't sound like you understand how bad the OP is mentally either at the moment.

She has described it quite clearly. Throughout this time I supported him every way I could, taking on 99% of the daily tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning etc and even taking on a part time weekend job (on top of my full time job) as after the month of SSP wore off he was earning very little.

........and really don't have the emotional or physical capacity to be taking on all of the housework again as well as looking after my step-daughter day to day, finishing my part-time masters dissertation and obviously the full-time job. It's causing me to panic massively and emotionally shut down

....I've had a difficult time of it too this last year struggling with grief for my dad, stress at work and with uni, and feel like this is just going to finish me off as well

The OP has a LOT going on, has helped a lot and has said she feels like this will finish her off.

Who's worrying about her while she has to worry about him? delegating him a short list to do and getting him out of the house and sending him off to therapy??

user1481840227 · 28/09/2021 19:15

Also @Dddccc
Many people would struggle anyway with a full time job, completing a masters and SHARING looking after a child and doing housework.

Especially when they were trying to come to terms with their own grief.

You're trying to make the OP feel bad when she has to do ALL of it and then expect her to have the strength and energy to provide him with 'care and direction' so that he gets out of the house and does small tasks

Where is your compassion for the OP? It's not all about the person who has been diagnosed with depression you know

Coyoacan · 28/09/2021 19:22

But if he was drinking like your partner is, I would be out that door like a greyhound

Alcohol is a depressant and interferes with the effect of anti-depressants. It's all very well to help him when he is down as long as he is also doing what is required to get better.

FatCatThinCat · 28/09/2021 19:28

Been in your position OP and the only way your life will improve is if you go it alone. Stay with this man and he'll drag you down with him.

HangingChads · 28/09/2021 19:31

You don't have to save him, and you cannot fix him. This is the voice of experience. If you could fix depression for someone, my ExDH would be cured thanks to my efforts. In the end, I realised that the rest of my life was going to be one constant cycle of depression, stress, and anxiety unless I left him. Didn't want the rest of my life to be that way. Leaving was very difficult but also the best thing ever - waking up every day without the fear and dread of what he would be like. It was incredibly life changing.

KaycePollard · 28/09/2021 20:03

but now he has started again and it seems to be getting out of hand

@Beachyrain94 If your partner stopped drinking, he might have better mental health. The two things seem to be clearly connected.

He sounds like an alcoholic. Get him to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Or better still, get yourself to AlAnon, which is an AA support group for those living with, wives, families etc of alcoholics.

The principles of AlAnon for those connected with/close to alcoholics:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

He needs to sort out his addiction and his depression. You cannot, nor should you, take responsibility for his wellness.

BoredZelda · 28/09/2021 20:36

You can inform his GP of how much he drinks. They just can't discuss it with you at all.

More than that, you should inform the GP. We had this with my dad, and it was only when we told them the truth about his drinking that things started to change. He is self medicating and needs to be getting treatment for alcohol abuse alongside the depression.

Only you can decide if you are prepared to do the work that is needed to help him get well. This is harder to do if he isn’t doing what he needs to be doing, but he is unwell and it isn’t just as simple as him choosing not to get better, it is so much more complex than that.

It will take its toll on you, even if it isn’t his fault. It will take a very long time til things get better. Your only choice is if you think he is worth going through that for.

OrangeTortoise · 28/09/2021 20:46

I have a lot of sympathy for anyone suffering from depression. However, supporting them emotionally is one thing. Doing absolutely all the housework and caring for your step daughter and taking on a second job as well as working full time is completely above and beyond what can be expected of you OP. Time to step back and let him deal with some of this himself, however hard he finds it.

Original poster

Beachyrain94 · 28/09/2021 20:47

I’ve just managed to catch up on all of your comments and I’m honestly so grateful for all the responses, I could genuinely cry ❤️ I’ve deep down known what most of you have been saying in terms of making that decision for a year or so, but think my dad passing away has given me a bit of perspective and a kick up the a*se so to speak. We definitely need to sit down and have a tough conversation over the coming days, and think I might get back in touch with my therapist for a bit of guidance. Again I really can’t thank you guys enough - I think I just needed someone outside of my “bubble” to confirm what I’ve been thinking 😢

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 28/09/2021 20:59

HermioneAndRoger · 28/09/2021 21:04

Five years is a relatively young relationship and you have been his carer for much of it. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you felt you couldn't go through it all again. What do you get from the relationship? How are your needs respected and met?

Bizawit · 28/09/2021 21:11

So he fought the mother of his DD for 50% custody and now he’s unable to look after her?? 😨

Put yourself first OP,
You don’t need to go through this again.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 28/09/2021 21:16

@Bizawit

So he fought the mother of his DD for 50% custody and now he’s unable to look after her?? 😨

Put yourself first OP,
You don’t need to go through this again.

And since he is signed off sick, he isnt looking after his child or paying anything is he? Who pays for the child’s food / clothing etc?

billy1966 · 28/09/2021 21:20

Glad to read that you know this isn't right.

Nor is him keeping his child from her mother when he isn't even looking after or paying for his child.

Step away OP.

You deserve better.

ellyeth · 28/09/2021 21:37

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? If not, I think that's what you should do first (providing he is not an aggressive person or does not become aggressive when drinking - if he is then I'm not sure I would be willing to risk staying).

Assuming domestic violence is not an issue, I think you should make it clear that this state of affairs cannot continue because it is making you stressed, anxious and exhausted and you are afraid you will end up ill as well. Be honest about the drinking and explain that alcohol will make the problem worse and if he is not prepared to stop drinking you will have no option but to leave - you want to love and support him but he must make some effort himself.

As someone else said, I think his ex partner should be made aware of the situation - and definitely if you decide to leave.

Screwcorona · 28/09/2021 22:11

Yanbu, I'd have left him already

Coyoacan · 29/09/2021 12:49

Only you can decide if you are prepared to do the work that is needed to help him get well

The OP cannot get him well, only he can get himself well, especially when alcohol is involved.

QueenBee52 · 29/09/2021 15:32

Only you can decide if you are prepared to do the work that is needed to help him get well

FFS 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

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