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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner signed off work with depression again - AIBU?

97 replies

Beachyrain94 · 28/09/2021 16:07

Hello all, i'm hoping this is the right place to ask and just generally get some advice if possible. I'm new here so please bare with me and i'll try to get to the point..

Long story short, i've been with my partner now for 5 years, who has 50/50 custody of his daughter with his ex. We have lived together for nearly 4 years, and worked through some pretty rough times together - I'm sure I don't need to go into too much detail about court proceedings and child arrangements anyway but i'm sure you get the gist...

Around 2018/2019, my partners mental health really took a battering, and he was signed off work for a month and diagnosed with severe depression. He started taking anti-depressants (one really did not agree with him so he had to change over which in itself was a very emotionally and physically difficult time). He also started drinking heavily during this time, getting through up to half a litre if not more of vodka per night. Throughout this time I supported him every way I could, taking on 99% of the daily tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning etc and even taking on a part time weekend job (on top of my full time job) as after the month of SSP wore off he was earning very little.

The very 'rough time' wore off after about 6 months of the anti-depressants and since then it was smooth sailing. That was until June of last year when my dad was diagnosed with S4 NET bowel cancer and passed away quickly after, shortly followed (five months later) by his step dad passing away who had S4 pancreatic cancer and had been battling on and off for 3 years. I was so proud of my partner as he stopped drinking as soon as my dad died, which lasted for 10 months and everything seemed to be doing okay, but now he has started again and it seems to be getting out of hand.

To cut the long story short, he's been signed off work again with depression and is due to be changing his medication to something different - the doctor fears it might be 'wearing off' so to speak. I know this is going to sound awfully selfish and I wouldn't blame any of you for shouting at me in the comments, but i'm absolutely dreading it.

Whilst i'm earning a bit more now so the money isn't worrying me, i'm VERY apprehensive about how the medication change is going to go and really don't have the emotional or physical capacity to be taking on all of the housework again as well as looking after my step-daughter day to day, finishing my part-time masters dissertation and obviously the full-time job. It's causing me to panic massively and emotionally shut down because I'm feeling this bitter resentment towards him for taking the 'easy route', when I know logically I really need to be at my best to support him and just suck it up.

I've had a difficult time of it too this last year struggling with grief for my dad, stress at work and with uni, and feel like this is just going to finish me off as well :(

AIBU about being kind of annoyed at him for being signed off again? Sorry for rambling, I guess I just needed to vent..

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 28/09/2021 17:08

I really couldnt do it again or anymore if I were you. This could ruin your mental health and then what happens?

TempName01 · 28/09/2021 17:10

I’m sorry I agree with the others, I couldn’t carry on like that.

cookingisoverrated · 28/09/2021 17:15

I'd also have to look at whether or not I could spend my life going through this with him every couple of years, when it sounds like he's not doing a whole lot to help himself.

Your plate is full, so to speak. Completely. You can't take on yet more.

OverTheRubicon · 28/09/2021 17:15

Wish I'd left earlier.

People on here often say how they'd leave if their partner wasn't engaging with treatment etc.

But sometimes unfortunately people ARE engaging with treatment, but the effect of their illness is to not only make you their carer but also to bear a huge emotional weight. For so so long I tried to be supportive and honour 'sickness and in health' but in the end destroyed my own mental health, harmed my DCs and I'm not sure if it really helped him either Vs if he'd had family support and a fresh start. He is angry at me now, but in so many other ways actually a lot happier.

Also, you know as I do that depression like this tends to be cyclical and it will happen again and again.

Is his ex aware of his issues? I appreciate she may not be your favourite person, but if you do leave she should know the reality. I'd be very concerned if my DCs were spending 50/50 time with their father during a down period, because although he always loves them, he does not have the energy, patience or motivation to care properly when severely depressed - and that's without the drinking on top.

So sorry you're in this position - and for him too - and wish you good luck with the new medication and next steps.

MintMatchmaker · 28/09/2021 17:16

Alcohol is a depressant. I would support him if he helped himself by stopping drinking.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/09/2021 17:16

As they say op don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Also the drink is a depressant
He's not helping himself yet alone you, misery loves company
I think this has run its course

Bonheurdupasse · 28/09/2021 17:19

Ideally, leave.

At the very least don’t do any childcare for him again.
If you didn’t exist he’d have to manage somehow.
Somehow I think he’s taking advantage of you here.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 28/09/2021 17:20

You don't need to stay with him.

Tbh you should addressed why you even moved in with him four years ago.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 28/09/2021 17:22

You have to help yourself first before you can help others. Just like the oxygen masks on a plane. Put your own on first

SweeneyToddler · 28/09/2021 17:24

I’ve been there.

My husband has had life-long battle with depression. His worst episode was a few years ago when he was off work for almost a year and in hospital for 4 months. I was so worried about money. It was awful.

In the middle of all of this, my mother had a heart attack.

It was such a horrible time.

I was glad to be there for my husband. He’s great and does everything he can to get himself past depressive episodes. He can’t control depression and works so hard to overcome it, but occasionally it’s just been too much for him to cope with alone. So I’ve stood by him, and I will again.

But if he was drinking like your partner is, I would be out that door like a greyhound.

Honestly.

If your username is an indication of your age, remember that you have a lot of life to live. Tying yourself to a man with a drink problem so that you can clean his house and mind his child is a miserable existence.

If he’s not being truthful with his GP about the amount he’s drinking, you should seriously rethink your position.

billy1966 · 28/09/2021 17:25

I think your relationship has absolutely run its long and painful course.

I think you need to take a very hard look at YOUR choices.

Is this really what you want?

To carry someone constantly?

How wonderful for him that he has had you to clean up, pay for everything, mind his child, while he drinks away.

He clearly has his issues but if you were my daughter I would be appalled at you throwing your life away to spend it caring for someone so very early in your life.

He is not a project for you to fix.

You need to move on NOW.

You have done enough carrying.

Freddiefox · 28/09/2021 17:28

I’ve been there, wasted so many years. Just end it. Don’t waste anymore time.

He can only fix himself, and only if he wants too.

Freddiefox · 28/09/2021 17:30

@billy1966

I think your relationship has absolutely run its long and painful course.

I think you need to take a very hard look at YOUR choices.

Is this really what you want?

To carry someone constantly?

How wonderful for him that he has had you to clean up, pay for everything, mind his child, while he drinks away.

He clearly has his issues but if you were my daughter I would be appalled at you throwing your life away to spend it caring for someone so very early in your life.

He is not a project for you to fix.

You need to move on NOW.

You have done enough carrying.

This in buckets loads.

me4real · 28/09/2021 17:30

YANBU. Could you get a cleaner for a while or something? I live on a low income (unable to work through severe disability for decades) and had a cleaner for a while when I had anaemia. It was worth the money.

It doesn't have to cost much- I've been a cleaner and worked quite happily for around minimum ('living') wage, as did the cleaner I employed. Women are glad of the work.

housecoat1968 · 28/09/2021 17:31

I would be supportive of the meds changeover for the depression but only if he was taking serious steps to address the drinking.
I would recommend reading up on co- dependency.

MilduraS · 28/09/2021 17:32

How much of it is genuine catatonic depression and how much of it is just finding it easier to let you handle things? I've had several bouts of depression. There were days when I'd waste 5 hours just trying to work up the motivation to do the washing up (having left it build up for days) or weeks when I'd live on corn flakes and milk because I couldn't face cooking or shopping . I always made it to work and I always (reluctantly) showered because those were the essentials that I needed to do to keep a roof over my head. Everything else slipped to the bare minimum I could get away with. It would have been easier with a partner to do things for me but I wasn't completely incapable, just overwhelmed.

Feelslikealot · 28/09/2021 17:33

He can't help his illness but equally you can't help it if you're at the end of your tether. You aren't obliged to look after him.

QueenBee52 · 28/09/2021 17:33

@billy1966

I think your relationship has absolutely run its long and painful course.

I think you need to take a very hard look at YOUR choices.

Is this really what you want?

To carry someone constantly?

How wonderful for him that he has had you to clean up, pay for everything, mind his child, while he drinks away.

He clearly has his issues but if you were my daughter I would be appalled at you throwing your life away to spend it caring for someone so very early in your life.

He is not a project for you to fix.

You need to move on NOW.

You have done enough carrying.

100% agree 🌸

GoodnightGrandma · 28/09/2021 17:34

It shouldn’t be all on you, and it is.
You only get one life, and it can be shorter than you think, as you already know. Live your life for you, not to prop up someone else.

timesachangin · 28/09/2021 17:35

You poor thing. There's a lot to unpack there but I think first thing is him accepting he has an alcohol problem and getting help for that by way of meetings (abstinence based ie AA). That would show he's taking responsibility for his illness as popping ADs won't do any good if he's still self medicating.

Second thing is having an honest conversation with his ex about what he can reliably and reasonably commit to with his child and cutting down contact for a while. Maybe 3 months at 1/2 nights a week then review. It's not meaningful contact anyway if you're doing all the work and as far as your obligations go - this one is his and his ex's not yours.

You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. It's not his fault he has depression but it is his responsibility to do the best he can to minimise the impact on you. If he's signed off work then taking in a few household chores will be a positive thing for him. Being totally unproductive won't do him any good. He'll have good days and bad and in his good days he can muck in, meaning you'll be more understanding when he's having a bad day and can't do anything.

As a long term sufferer of depression it makes me sad to think I couldn't be in a relationship where my partner supported me, but I also realise my illness isn't my partner's responsibility and I need to put strategies in place to keep everyone safe and cared for.

2lsinllama · 28/09/2021 17:39

Im in a similar situation, but the other way round - I’m the one on the anti depressants. I’ve only been back on the for a month or so and stopped drinking completely from a few days in as I realised I was losing control. Quitting completely from a bottle of wine (at least) a night was tough but I’m already feeling so much better.
I understand what other people are saying, and I would understand if DH had had enough of me but there have been times when he has been physically ill and I have had to shoulder everything then. I guess swings and roundabouts is how it works, for us at least.
I hope your husband can get his drinking under control, that’s an important step in the road to recovery. But he has to want to do it - that’s the hard part. Good luck 💐

Oneborneverydecade · 28/09/2021 17:39

My first DH and I separated and subsequently divorced in very similar circumstances. The problem wasn't his depression, it was his alcoholism. A couple of years down the line he hit rock bottom, almost died but came out of it dry. Unfortunately he died last year from problems associated with throat cancer due to his drinking.

I felt terrible at the time, like I was kicking him at his lowest point. I don't regret the decision for a second though, for either my DS or I.

middleager · 28/09/2021 17:40

Can I ask what you're getting from this partnership?

TintinIsBack · 28/09/2021 17:42

Can the mum look after your step daughter instead of you, at least whilst he changing over the medication

nzeire · 28/09/2021 17:43

How awful for you.
I’m so sorry about your dad.

I’d speak to him gently, and let him know I wasn’t willing to be responsible for it all this time. His daughter needs to stay with her mum and he needs to stop drinking. For a start.

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