Partner signed off work with depression again - AIBU?

[Beachyrain94]

Hello all, i'm hoping this is the right place to ask and just generally get some advice if possible. I'm new here so please bare with me and i'll try to get to the point..

Long story short, i've been with my partner now for 5 years, who has 50/50 custody of his daughter with his ex. We have lived together for nearly 4 years, and worked through some pretty rough times together - I'm sure I don't need to go into too much detail about court proceedings and child arrangements anyway but i'm sure you get the gist...

Around 2018/2019, my partners mental health really took a battering, and he was signed off work for a month and diagnosed with severe depression. He started taking anti-depressants (one really did not agree with him so he had to change over which in itself was a very emotionally and physically difficult time). He also started drinking heavily during this time, getting through up to half a litre if not more of vodka per night. Throughout this time I supported him every way I could, taking on 99% of the daily tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning etc and even taking on a part time weekend job (on top of my full time job) as after the month of SSP wore off he was earning very little.

The very 'rough time' wore off after about 6 months of the anti-depressants and since then it was smooth sailing. That was until June of last year when my dad was diagnosed with S4 NET bowel cancer and passed away quickly after, shortly followed (five months later) by his step dad passing away who had S4 pancreatic cancer and had been battling on and off for 3 years. I was so proud of my partner as he stopped drinking as soon as my dad died, which lasted for 10 months and everything seemed to be doing okay, but now he has started again and it seems to be getting out of hand.

To cut the long story short, he's been signed off work again with depression and is due to be changing his medication to something different - the doctor fears it might be 'wearing off' so to speak. I know this is going to sound awfully selfish and I wouldn't blame any of you for shouting at me in the comments, but i'm absolutely dreading it.

Whilst i'm earning a bit more now so the money isn't worrying me, i'm VERY apprehensive about how the medication change is going to go and really don't have the emotional or physical capacity to be taking on all of the housework again as well as looking after my step-daughter day to day, finishing my part-time masters dissertation and obviously the full-time job. It's causing me to panic massively and emotionally shut down because I'm feeling this bitter resentment towards him for taking the 'easy route', when I know logically I really need to be at my best to support him and just suck it up.

I've had a difficult time of it too this last year struggling with grief for my dad, stress at work and with uni, and feel like this is just going to finish me off as well :(

AIBU about being kind of annoyed at him for being signed off again? Sorry for rambling, I guess I just needed to vent..

My dad was slightly similar to this and so personally I would find it hard to respect. But then, people do come out the other side.

Do you still find him physically attractive @Beachyrain94 ? I mean in his face, body etc (rather than whether any actual sex is pleasing you/happening, though that would be a bonus.) I think romantic attraction to someone's physical features can maybe sustain attraction despite lapses in their conduct etc.

It sounds like you're already thinking he mightn't be for you (which is fine, everyone has their limits.)

I suffer from chronic depression as well as other things from my shit life. Though not perfect I still clean my house, look after my children and manage to hold down a job. I am a single parent and yes sometimes I would love to not get out of bed I have to do it. Alcohol is a depressant and mixed with anti depressants won’t work. His daughter is not your responsibility, him not getting a wage is not your responsibility. Until he’s not drinking ( I bet he is saying he drink to block out everything and to sleep) nothing will change. Walk away op

@FluffyWhiteBird 100%

Sometimes people can become too reliant on their partners and being too supportive actually perpetuates the issue.

I don't know you, or your partner, but consider that this may be the case here.

You've only been together 4 years and it sounds like the majority of that has been damn hard work. You have your whole life to live.

You say it was five months between the death of your dad and his step dad. How much of a support was he to you then? Was he there for you in the way you had been for him during his first bout of depression? Did he take care of the domestic side, look after his own daughter, allow you to grieve? Or did he expect you to push on and do most of the load? What do you define as 'smooth sailing'?

I wouldn't imagine he's very nice to be around after half a litre of vodka either.

You don't have to pick up after him again, especially not if he won't stop drinking. You would be doing nothing wrong by walking away.

The problem isn't his depression, it's his alcoholism. If it were just depression and he was getting treatment and doing what he could to work through it, I'd say you were being unreasonable to be pissed off with him although of course it's understandable. I have clinical depression, mostly under control but even so I piss myself off sometimes.

But, he is self-medicating with alcohol and depending on which antidepressants he is taking that is either limiting their effect and adding to the side effects they may have, or, with some antidepressants, a risk of serious health problems.

He needs to accept that he has a serious problem with alcohol and unless and until he does you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to live your life with someone who constantly puts his own "needs" before yours.

Your health and well-being is important too

How much were you making at your part time job? Is half a litre of vodka nor about £10-£15? So possibly £70-£105 going straight to his booze?

What @SweeneyToddler said. My ex has suffered from depression for about 5 years now, and like yours, makes it worse in many more ways than he makes it better. I completely understand that nobody would choose depression, but what PPs have said about doing the minimum to keep a roof over your head and care for your dependents is the crux of the matter. If your DP is choosing not to do those things (and I do believe it's a choice), then you can also make choices. You've had a really hard year and need to look after yourself. I also echo what PPs have said about caring for his DC; I wouldn't trust my ex to look after our DC when he is/was really bad (DC are older now and can make their own choices).
Sorry, OP, it's a really horrible and hard position to be in, but if he isn't prepared to make choices which help him, you don't have to be responsible for him any more.

I could not cope with this.
You get stuck with all the responsibility, almost all the time.
Defer your uni course while you get your head together, give yourself a chance to consider what is best for you going forward.

How much is he drinking?
Half a litre of vodka a day is a lot

I think it's time to prioritise your own health here, @Beachyrain94. On another thread I read recently, someone posted

"Setting yourself on fire doesn't put him out."

I think this is where you are now at, and you should put the matches down, step back from being his 24/7 crutch, and work out what you need to do for you. This relationship is very uneven and has been for a long time.

Massive squishes.

If you knew that this cycle was going to repeat throughout the rest of your relationship… throughout the rest of your life.

Would you stay?

Tell him you love him (if you do!) and how you want to support him etc. But that you also need more from life and your relationship together. Ask him how he wants to work together to make things better. This must include getting help for his drinking and/or cutting it out for good.

You need a decent and happy quality of life for yourself. Otherwise you aren’t Living. You are just exciting day to day until you die.

I’m a therapist so maybe a bit biased, but it’s not enough just take meds IMO. They might help with symptoms but don’t address causes.

What else has he done to help himself? Therapy, exercise, diet? All important.

I couldn’t stay with a depressed partner personally, after working with poorly people all day I really need home to be calm and positive place as much as possible.

There isn’t a fair or equal balance to this relationship. You are giving everything you can can and not getting anything in return. Half a bottle of vodka a night is unreal!!! Please think about yourself, your MH and your life and consider a future that will be much happier without him! It may sound heartless but I’d leave him as life is too short and his problems are not your problems. Good luck xx

My heart goes out to you OP, you are under such a massive strain and I can tell you are at your wits end with fears for the future. Such an unbearably sad place to be.

My DH had c-PTSD with psychosis and for almost 6 years I tried, as you have with your DP, to take as much load off him as I could in the hope he would use the "breathing space" I was giving him to address his problems. But although he had times when he tried half-heartedly, he didn't ever really commit to recovery so kept slipping backwards. He ultimately refused medication as he had difficulties finding one that worked for him and instead used drink and drugs to numb himself. My own MH suffered greatly during this time and I ended up getting myself a therapist so I had someone to talk to (didn't want to burden friends all the time).

She told me about secondary gains, where a person can find that because someone else (i.e. me / you) is doing everything for them 'because they are ill', they get to sit back and do nothing for themselves and therefore have no real need to get better because why would they when all their needs are being met and they get loved and cared for by someone without really giving anything back? This really struck a chord with me. I was doing everything and he was just accepting it even though he was, physically at least, perfectly capable of making beds, hoovering, doing things in the house that were needed.

After talking it over with her, and agonising about whether it was the right thing to do or not, I ended up going down the "tough love" route. I found him a well regarded therapist and booked his first 5 appointments, went to his GP and made an appointment there too (after speaking to the GP and explaining exactly what drink and drugs he had been taking, and literally begging the GP to please find another medication that would be worth trying). I also signed him up for a hobby group (he had previously enjoyed but had stopped doing) which would get him out of the house and into fresh air and doing more physical activity than sitting in front of the TV or on his phone all day.

When I had all this in place I sat him down, told him I loved him, but also said that unless he followed the therapy/medication/activity plan I had set out I would be leaving him as I was becoming mentally ill myself with the strain of doing everything. I also gave him a list of chores he had to start taking responsibility for in the house; small simple things like bins, garden, recycling runs etc.

Now I know I sound like a completely controlling bitch, but I did it as a final attempt to get him well again, and out of love because otherwise I just knew I was going to lose everything if things didn't change. (Think divorce/losing our home/losing him - my best friend)

It wasn't perfect, and we had a couple of backwards steps, but he did do it in the end and although it took 2 years, he is now pretty much recovered and is slowly weaning off his medication although he will continue to see the therapist once a month or so. It wasn't an overnight fix, and there were hard tearful times when I had to remind him if he didn't do the therapy and take his medication I would leave, but he got there.

The best day was about 8 or 9 months in to the treatment plan when he got back from a counselling session and just thanked me for forcing him to do it all, and admitted he would probably never have done it for himself.

I'm not saying you should do the same, only you know what is right for you and your DP, but I would say try and go to see your therapist again and at least have that support for yourself. The one thing you cannot do when trying to support someone is neglect your own MH. You need support and care too.

And you are not BU to be so fearful of what the future is going to bring, it is a very scary uncertain time.

I truly wish you all the strength and support you need and hope you both get through this

(And sorry for the long post)

Leave!
You'll get dragged down with him

Two key things. 1. He's an alcoholic and 2. You're enabling him. You just do everything (even taking on extra work) so he doesn't have to take responsibility.
Perhaps you could contact Al-Anon: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I feel for his daughter the most. Her parents went through a lengthy legal battle re contact and now she has to spend half her time with her depressed alcoholic father I'm sure you're a lovely stepmum, but wouldn't it be better for her to be with her mum if he's not able to parent her properly?

I don't blame you OP. I'd be fed up too and I think he's taking the piss out of your kind mature tbh. What would he do if he didn't have you ry fall back on financially and practically? Mental health issues are tough but you also need to think about yourself and whether this is how you want to spend your life.

Sometimes anti-depressants aren't the answer. Sometimes depression is situational. Alcohol misuse can also affect serotonin receptors, there are supplements etc. that can help with that but he would have to stop drinking so much.

I'm not saying that people should just come off anti-depressants but there are other things that they can try at the same time such as healthy eating, supplements etc. There are some great holistic nutritionists out there. I know several people who really started trying to tackle those issues with nutrition, exercise etc. and THEN they came off the anti-depressants and stayed off them.

If his way of tackling this is going to be the cycle of anti-depressants and drinking then it's going to be never-ending.
He has to help himself, not just wait for medication to magically solve everything.

It's obviously hard to motivate yourself when the dark cloud is over your head, but in my experience there are some brighter days mixed in with the darker days, they're the days that people need to take the steps to try to help themselves.

Now of course we're replying to you and not him and you can't force him to do anything and that's not your job either...so really all you can do is look after yourself and decide if this is what you want for your life too!

Women are not rehabs for men.

You are important too. Even more so imho as you are supporting him financially also. You have both had losses which must be keenly felt.

The changing of meds can be a nightmare, I've seen my DP go through it, but the drinking must stop. Now. If he won't stop drinking, then leave. Alcoholics will do anything for a drink and will choose booze over you.

Oh wow my dh suffers anxiety and depression he is on meds he also drinks but its the only why he can sleep and not every night just a few nights a week he has just lost 2 ppl he cares about so yeah he has hit rock bottom again, being signed off work is for his benefit but give him a short list everyday of stuff to do and get him out the house daily he will still be able to function he just needs care and direction not he his taking it easy I really dont think you understand how bad he will me mentally right now also sounds like he would benefit from therapy

going to be really honest, I left a relationship like this. Life is too short and I was not going down with the ship. You cannot help him, only he can help himself

I would end this, and move on. He is not your responsibility. And neither is your SD no matter how lovely she might be

Imagine how he would self manage all these things if you were not there to do it all for him OP.. m

you are running yourself into the ground..

ask yourself this..

Who is looking after your mental health.. your needs.. your laundry .. feeding you after your full shift and your part time shift... who has your back.., who is cherishing you OP 🌸

Leave. This is not going to get any better if you stay. There is no point you doing childcare of his dd as she'd be better off with her mum if her dad won't step up.