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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gifting

70 replies

Mangotango123 · 28/09/2021 11:43

Just need a bit of advice really.

My husband is one of 6 children, all of those siblings have at least one child each. I have always gifted those children birthday, Easter and Xmas. I get a thank you from some of them, others not. Also one of his siblings I see probably once every other year due to location, but I always include her children as wouldn’t want them to have to miss out.

I was flabbergasted a few years ago when we got married that all his family came to wedding but not one single one of them so much as gave us a card.

I had my first baby in May. I had just one gift from my husband’s side, which was from one of his sisters. Again no cards and no gifts from anyone else.

My baby was christened not long ago, and once again the whole family came but no cards, no gifts. Even my friends who were unable to make the event had organised for a gift to be sent through the post, really thoughtful items as well. (I had been asked by my husband’s brother whether alcohol was allowed at the christening - I had said no as it was afternoon tea I had worked hard to prepare, and didn’t want my son’s christening to be an excuse for the family to have a piss up. When the day arrived he completely ignored my wishes and brought alcohol anyway, the whole of my husband’s dysfunctional family sat around one table drinking all afternoon. It upset me that they made sure they brought cans of drink but didn’t bother to come with a gift).

I am now starting to think about Xmas and am really minded not to bother even buying for their kids anymore as clearly they couldn’t be bothered with mine, and I highly anticipate they will not be bothering to gift my son this Xmas as they don’t seem to understand the concept of buying. The issue I have is I feel bad as it’s the children who won’t get their gift and I feel as though they’re on the receiving end of my annoyance. My little boy is too old to understand this year but when he’s old enough to grasp Xmas, I’m not happy for him to give to his cousins but get nothing back.

To date, I have said nothing. I have said about it to my husband but he simply says ‘they’re just like that’. I just find it so odd that even his parents, my son’s grandparents, would arrive with nothing for his christening and our wedding day (which they contributed to in no way at all financially or other).

Do you think I should just not bother to get their kids this year? Or buy as normal and then next year say we are not in a position to buy children anymore being as we have our own child to cater for.

I find it all very awkward if I’m honest.

OP posts:
needsomesleeppls · 28/09/2021 11:45

Def don't bother!

Mangotango123 · 28/09/2021 11:45

Sorry my little boy is too young to understand, not old 🙈

OP posts:
LadyJaye · 28/09/2021 11:45

Why are you buying presents for your husband's family?

frazzledasarock · 28/09/2021 11:47

I'd leave it to your DH he can sort out gifts if he wants.

Accidentgirlfriend · 28/09/2021 11:48

Yanbu you can just say “oh thought we weren’t giving gifts and now we’ve got our own child Xmas is too expensive now to buy other people presents “

takealettermsjones · 28/09/2021 11:49

I know it's trite to say you don't give to receive, but it's true. I think you have to just accept that they don't give gifts in the same way you do. If that makes you not want to give them gifts any more, that's fine. But I think if you stop expecting anything at all, it'll be easier to accept.

Raindancer411 · 28/09/2021 11:50

Save the money and spend it on your little one. If they say anything just reply that you cannot afford it now you have your own to buy for

pippapoo62 · 28/09/2021 11:52

Don't buy gifts this year ,you have your own child now . Don't waste your time or money ,get your husband to tell them that gifts have stopped. Why would you even bother with his family when they couldn't even buy a wedding or christening present. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first and say enough is enough .

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 11:54

Leave it to your husband to sort his side of the family.

I don't buy christening presents because its not about gifts they are already getting the greatest gift according to believers.

husbandcallsmepickle · 28/09/2021 11:58

I agree with pp. You gift your side of the family and DH looks after his.

QueenoftheKarens · 28/09/2021 11:59

Don't bother. Some of my family are the same - I just don't bother anymore. More money in my pocket to treat my own DC. Grin

Wingedharpy · 28/09/2021 12:00

Don't bother buying gifts.
They're clearly not bothered and will probably not even notice.
It's a big deal for you, but not for them.
We're all different.

MaskingForIt · 28/09/2021 12:01

I might buy gifts as normal for Christmas this year, but if they are not reciprocated then I definitely wouldn’t next year.

avocadotofu · 28/09/2021 12:04

I definitely wouldn't be buying presents for them!

Blueberryflavour · 28/09/2021 12:05

At the risk of sounding MNetty why is it you buying the gifts for your DH’s family and not your DH and a minimum of 15 gifts a year to buy (based on 1 child per sibling) to purchase and if you don’t see them regularly you probably don’t know what they are into so they would be generic gifts- that maybe don’t hit the mark anyway, although I’m sure that you select nice thoughtful gifts. Obviously exchanging gifts is not the done thing in his family, so I’m guessing that you are the only Aunt and Uncle sending gifts to all these nieces and nephews and imagine the number of gifts being bought if every sibling buys for every other siblings children 3 times a year. So it’s not the normal or expected so surely easy to stop. Now you have your own DC perfect time to stop IMO if you want to.

Mangotango123 · 28/09/2021 12:27

Apologies. When I say I gift his family, the money comes from our joint account. I usually set aside a weekend near Xmas to either go and get all the Xmas presents for family (mine and his) and he comes with me, or I order online. And yes they normally are nice gifts as I wouldn’t hand over a rubbish one. They are always of equal value. His side of the family there’s 8 children to buy for 😬
Thanks everyone 😊

OP posts:
wednesday32 · 28/09/2021 12:52

Gifting is my love language and I love to gift people, but I don't give to receive so personally would continue buying. Perhaps just do the nieces and nephews going forward to save some money, even a chocolate selection box and £5 in a card or gifted would be greatly appreciated. Each family is different but i would suspect your husband coming from a large family, that has something to do with it. growing up we always exchanged gifts with my dads side of the family (he had one sister, bil, one niece&one nephew), but we never exchanged with my mums side (she was one of seven and there are over 18 nieces and nephews). We loved that side of the family just as much but it was not financially viable to cover everyone. Have you directly asked any of his siblings what they do for birthdays/xmas? maybe secret santa going forward or how about a board game per family so they get a joint gift.

DressBitch · 28/09/2021 12:56

Fuck that shit.

Hereforthedramaz · 28/09/2021 13:13

Just playing devil's advocate, I do think there is a slight difference with Birth Gifts and christening gifts compared to birthdays and Christmas.

Your child hasn't had a Christmas or birthday yet, if it were me I'd send presents to the nieces and nephews as usual this year and see what happens before stopping all presents to the kids.

Jumpingintosummer · 28/09/2021 13:24

@Hereforthedramaz

Just playing devil's advocate, I do think there is a slight difference with Birth Gifts and christening gifts compared to birthdays and Christmas.

Your child hasn't had a Christmas or birthday yet, if it were me I'd send presents to the nieces and nephews as usual this year and see what happens before stopping all presents to the kids.

I would be inclined to do the same. How are gifts usually given? In person? Posted etc.
Mangotango123 · 28/09/2021 13:34

Something just tells me that if they don’t bother to gift for wedding, birth or christening as most people would, they are not likely to give at Xmas. I only ever gift the nieces and nephews, and husband’s parents, not the siblings themselves.

I just find they are very take take take and give nothing back. With the wedding for instance, it was obvious a gift was expected as details of our department store gift list was included in with the invite. So to turn up empty handed is just very rude. They were more than happy to indulge, rather too much, with the free bar there. At the christening they were first in line for the buffet, going up several times in fact.

The mere fact that they brought alcohol to a christening when told no shows the sort of not giving two hoots attitude they have.

I am in two minds whether to buy this year and see what the outcome is, but I hold no doubt whatsoever they will not buy, and it just grinds my gears.

OP posts:
Mangotango123 · 28/09/2021 13:35

@Jumpingintosummer I take them round to the house, save for one of the siblings who lives further away so I give her children’s gift to husband’s mother to pass on. I never get a thank you.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 28/09/2021 13:37

Just leave it up to your DH to buy any presents if he wants to. I really don't understand why you've been doing it in the first place.

Bonheurdupasse · 28/09/2021 13:45

Definitely don’t buy any more gifts OP.

QueenBee52 · 28/09/2021 13:52

Gifting is my love language and I love to gift people, but I don't give to receive so personally would continue buying.

😂🤣😂🤣😂

right 😂

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