Gifting

[Mangotango123]

Just need a bit of advice really.

My husband is one of 6 children, all of those siblings have at least one child each. I have always gifted those children birthday, Easter and Xmas. I get a thank you from some of them, others not. Also one of his siblings I see probably once every other year due to location, but I always include her children as wouldn’t want them to have to miss out.

I was flabbergasted a few years ago when we got married that all his family came to wedding but not one single one of them so much as gave us a card.

I had my first baby in May. I had just one gift from my husband’s side, which was from one of his sisters. Again no cards and no gifts from anyone else.

My baby was christened not long ago, and once again the whole family came but no cards, no gifts. Even my friends who were unable to make the event had organised for a gift to be sent through the post, really thoughtful items as well. (I had been asked by my husband’s brother whether alcohol was allowed at the christening - I had said no as it was afternoon tea I had worked hard to prepare, and didn’t want my son’s christening to be an excuse for the family to have a piss up. When the day arrived he completely ignored my wishes and brought alcohol anyway, the whole of my husband’s dysfunctional family sat around one table drinking all afternoon. It upset me that they made sure they brought cans of drink but didn’t bother to come with a gift).

I am now starting to think about Xmas and am really minded not to bother even buying for their kids anymore as clearly they couldn’t be bothered with mine, and I highly anticipate they will not be bothering to gift my son this Xmas as they don’t seem to understand the concept of buying. The issue I have is I feel bad as it’s the children who won’t get their gift and I feel as though they’re on the receiving end of my annoyance. My little boy is too old to understand this year but when he’s old enough to grasp Xmas, I’m not happy for him to give to his cousins but get nothing back.

To date, I have said nothing. I have said about it to my husband but he simply says ‘they’re just like that’. I just find it so odd that even his parents, my son’s grandparents, would arrive with nothing for his christening and our wedding day (which they contributed to in no way at all financially or other).

Do you think I should just not bother to get their kids this year? Or buy as normal and then next year say we are not in a position to buy children anymore being as we have our own child to cater for.

I find it all very awkward if I’m honest.

@TimeIhadaNameChange

Get a small quantity of something bland, like chocolate selection boxes. Wrap them, but when you go to their house leave them in the car.

If you get a present for ds you can run out to the car, scribble a name on and hand over. Otherwise just leave .

I’d go with something like this - just for this one last year, I’d get them all something like a £1.50 or £2 selection box (or a book from a multi-offer from The Works or similar). (The receiving kids will hardly complain if they are getting some sweets/choc, even if cheap! And then you don’t feel like the kids are expecting something and not getting a present.)

If anyone comments just say “oh we’ve been so busy with the baby, I haven’t been able to do more shopping this year” (though it sounds like they probably wouldn’t comment anyway).

Then you’ve given the kids something, but also signalled to the parents that things are changing. Then I’d see what happens with presents for your baby, and make a decision about next year on that basis. If they do give something, then next year you can get a gift back.

If they don’t, you’re then completely free to carry on either giving something low value like a selection box or just stop altogether.

Please don't buy them anything anymore, send them a card at most.

Imagine going to a wedding or a Christening without even so much as a card!! You wouldn't even do that at a birthday party 🙄

Just don’t buy. I wouldn’t even leave it to your dh

Just send a note via your pil that now you have a child presents are stopping

If you dh wants to buy for his parents he can do

I love to gift people

Isn’t that slavery?

1. Dont punish innocent kids.
2. Let your hisband sort his gifts out.
3. You can choose your friends but not your husbands family!

@RealBecca

1. Dont punish innocent kids.

1. Let your hisband sort his gifts out.
2. You can choose your friends but not your husbands family!

its the rellies punishing OP's child after years of accepting presents ....

@RealBecca

1. Dont punish innocent kids.

1. Let your hisband sort his gifts out.
2. You can choose your friends but not your husbands family!

What difference does it make if the DH does the shopping or not?

The bottom line is if the family aren't giving to their DS why should they keep buying other peoples kids?

I initially said I'd give this year and see what happens (the DH might not have given wedding or christening gifts to siblings) however I think money in cards that are easy not to hand over if no one gives their baby for Christmas.

The other kids won't miss one gift from Uncle.

Do not buy them a thing - they clearly do not care that your child goes without.

Don't give a reason for not giving a gift - there is no need. I would be shocked if any had the audacity to ask for one given they turned up empty handed and no doubt will not be gifting your child

@Cocomarine I think the general consensus of ppl on here, and indeed most people in society in general, is that you would expect a present at your wedding. If I was invited to any celebration, it’s good form and manners, to give. The sheer fact that millions of shops and independent retailers stock cards and themed presents for all these occasions kind of signifies that.

If they don’t want to give and don’t do presents, ok - but don’t receive them then. They’re more than happy to accept!

@ChamberofSecrets69 exactly, you just don’t do that! I would be so embarrassed turning up empty handed, and in fact so much so I wouldn’t even turn up!

I never get a thank you.
This is why I would stop now - as well as the fact they haven't reciprocated in the past (I know you don't give to receive) but not thanking someone is just plain bad manners).
A text message to thank you costs nothing, and they don't even bother.
Stop giving it headspace and concentrate on making your first Christmas with your DC special.

[quote Mangotango123]@Cocomarine I think the general consensus of ppl on here, and indeed most people in society in general, is that you would expect a present at your wedding. If I was invited to any celebration, it’s good form and manners, to give. The sheer fact that millions of shops and independent retailers stock cards and themed presents for all these occasions kind of signifies that.

If they don’t want to give and don’t do presents, ok - but don’t receive them then. They’re more than happy to accept!

@ChamberofSecrets69 exactly, you just don’t do that! I would be so embarrassed turning up empty handed, and in fact so much so I wouldn’t even turn up![/quote]
@Mangotango123 I do always give wedding presents 😉

Sorry, I didn’t use the right word, and I actually can’t think of what the right word be now!

What I mean is - it’s normal as you say to “expect” a present, meaning - that’s pretty much what always happens, so you’re not odd to think people will bring one. But I don’t think that expectation should go so far as to criticise though who don’t - otherwise, it’s starts to feel like the expectation of their present is more important than their presence.

Stop it now. They sound rough as rats and ungrateful to boot.

Chocolate selection boxes this year I reckon, and if they are so crass as to get sod all for your dc, then this year can be the last that their kids get presents from you.

It’s what chocolate selection boxes are made for really 🤣

Cadburys chocolate and Freddo medium selection boxes are 2 for £4 each at Ocado at the mo OP

(*should be 2 for £4, not sure how an each got in there....)

Op there are so so many threads on this, it's very common and it's something I've also fallen into the trap of doing myself.

Taking buying for his family who I barely know seriously then getting crap all recognition in return!

I don't bother now it was too much and ironically no one expected anything off the other 20+ male cousin? But they expect off dh? Why??
It's so liberating op.

When I was a child I loved receiving 5/10 in a card from relatives.

If I was you you need to decide to yourself what your happy to live with and do.. Keeping giving with out thought of receiving or simply pull right back? Money in a card?

Women seem to make more effort on this front and a bigger deal of it and ironically your dh is a product of his family.. It really is down to him.

I was raised in a totally different way when it came to gifts, dm wasn't great at it but given with so so much love and sweetness think joke parrot 🤣.

We gave, nothing extravagant when we had money, and didn't when we didn't.
It felt so much kinder than when Mil buys and every gift will have gone through umpteen budget hurdles, strict tight budget limit, and doesn't seem to come from that same place of kindness... Rather a job that needs to be executed in the cheapest way possible (millionaires).

Stop buying gifts with immediate effect. No need to explain why. if anyone asks or queries tell them your child is now your focus and your budget doesn't stretch any more. Sooner you stop the better.

A lot of people will say you don’t give (give, not gift) to receive, and that is true BUT
When the other side also can’t even be bothered to put in any effort (as is the case here), you are more than entitled to be pissed off.

Hard though I know it is, please try to just rise above this and not get upset.

Take care