Gifting

[Mangotango123]

Just need a bit of advice really.

My husband is one of 6 children, all of those siblings have at least one child each. I have always gifted those children birthday, Easter and Xmas. I get a thank you from some of them, others not. Also one of his siblings I see probably once every other year due to location, but I always include her children as wouldn’t want them to have to miss out.

I was flabbergasted a few years ago when we got married that all his family came to wedding but not one single one of them so much as gave us a card.

I had my first baby in May. I had just one gift from my husband’s side, which was from one of his sisters. Again no cards and no gifts from anyone else.

My baby was christened not long ago, and once again the whole family came but no cards, no gifts. Even my friends who were unable to make the event had organised for a gift to be sent through the post, really thoughtful items as well. (I had been asked by my husband’s brother whether alcohol was allowed at the christening - I had said no as it was afternoon tea I had worked hard to prepare, and didn’t want my son’s christening to be an excuse for the family to have a piss up. When the day arrived he completely ignored my wishes and brought alcohol anyway, the whole of my husband’s dysfunctional family sat around one table drinking all afternoon. It upset me that they made sure they brought cans of drink but didn’t bother to come with a gift).

I am now starting to think about Xmas and am really minded not to bother even buying for their kids anymore as clearly they couldn’t be bothered with mine, and I highly anticipate they will not be bothering to gift my son this Xmas as they don’t seem to understand the concept of buying. The issue I have is I feel bad as it’s the children who won’t get their gift and I feel as though they’re on the receiving end of my annoyance. My little boy is too old to understand this year but when he’s old enough to grasp Xmas, I’m not happy for him to give to his cousins but get nothing back.

To date, I have said nothing. I have said about it to my husband but he simply says ‘they’re just like that’. I just find it so odd that even his parents, my son’s grandparents, would arrive with nothing for his christening and our wedding day (which they contributed to in no way at all financially or other).

Do you think I should just not bother to get their kids this year? Or buy as normal and then next year say we are not in a position to buy children anymore being as we have our own child to cater for.

I find it all very awkward if I’m honest.

I'd buy this year and see what happens. But I would cut back what you spend.

Did your DH buy them wedding gifts and baby gifts back in the day, or is gift buying something he never really did before you came along?

I wouldn’t bother buying any more gifts.

No I wouldn't buy as gift giving is not something they do and you have your own child now to buy for

Honestly you've done so much and his family being like that is a bit of a kick in the teeth. Personally I'd not bother buying them gifts anymore, we have done similar to my BIL/SIL every year I religiously sent gifts and cards for birthdays, Christmases and wedding anniversaries and have not ever received one back, now I don't gift to receive but a card or even a thank you would have sufficed but last year was the final straw and I decided I'm not gifting or sending cards to them anymore. Even DH agrees especially as our own family has grown this year and prioritising our little one is more important than spending on gifts for people who are basically unappreciative and unreceptive.

Stop buying all these presents, things can get out of hand. People don't need to be gifted at all times and occasions. Just buy stuff for a couple of people that you like, and save your money, and people should not be offended if they don't receive gifts and cards.

It’s not about bothering or not bothering. It’s clearly just a different family expectation. Don’t keep giving everyone presents, but there’s no need to get all judgmental about ir or take it personally.

Although personally a christening with no booze is not my families idea of a christening , all our family parties are big occasions with alcohol so if you dh families are like this they may of found it strange , that said they asked you said no , but why didn't your dh say anything , where is he in all this ? Is he concerned or bothered by lack of gifts or is it just normal for him and if so , do as they do as they may even find you buying gifts uncomfortable , who knows

The easiest way to deal with this is surely to leave your husband to deal with the gift buying and giving for his family. Yes, it's a little unusual for so few gifts to be given but some people are like that!

I would definitely stop buying gifts for them - spend the money saved on your own DC. (Think also of how much time and thought you put into buying presents for in law family members, and how you can also spend this mental energy on your own little family unit). Why not get Christmas cards made with photo of DC looking festive and just send that?!
However if you wanted to give it one last go this Christmas, for the sake of the children, how about some small fun item - such as a board game per family or a Choc orange cover per kid, link at end, (with choc orange inside, currently only £1 at Morrisons); you could save time and mental energy by getting a mix, just wrapping them with no label and say it's a lucky dip for the kids. I saw the covers recommended on another thread, bought some then some more! Not expensive but fun and very easy /quick to sort.
Then if no reciprocal effort made again, you can stop doing future gifting with your head held high!
covers

Gifting is my love language and I love to gift people, but I don't give to receive so personally would continue buying

Good grief.

Anyway, OP, please stop bothering. They don’t care about you, they’re not grateful, they’re not kind or reciprocal, so please stop bothering. Their kids will be fine. And they may start to learn gratitude by realising that you have stopped bothering because of their lack of it. I doubt that though. If his family kicks off at the lack of presents, then you have a perfect opportunity to tell them exactly what you think of them.

Can you think of any reason why you should continue buying them presents? I can't

Its up to you. Decide if you enjoy giving the children gifts.

I rarely give nieces / nephews/ godchildren birthday presents. I don't celebrate birthdays much

We get gifts from people we dont give gifts to. That's up to them

I've told my children never to bother with mothers day or my birthday. I don't like the idea that people are wasting time and money to get me something-anything-because of a date in the calendar.

However, if there is something I come across that I think the children would like, I get it for them. I recently spent a lot of money of two brothers - my Godsons, having given them nothing for the past 10 years. As I said to them, it was because this was something I knew they really wanted, rather than something I was buying just for the sake of it ( it was tickets to a very special event - over £100 each)

I'm not stingy at all - I just don't really buy into the whole biannual gift giving culture. Expensive, wasteful, time consuming and environmentally damaging

I would say if you enjoy giving the children gifts, do it. If you don't, then stop

But don't try and impose your cultural expectations onto them. We don't all care about birthdays and Christmas etc.

The phrase ‘gifting’ is terrible enough, unless you live in California just call it ‘buying presents’ but ‘gifting is my love language’ is next level cringe.

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

The phrase ‘gifting’ is terrible enough, unless you live in California just call it ‘buying presents’ but ‘gifting is my love language’ is next level cringe.

I thought I was the only one who finds "gifting" makes me physically wince. And even "gift" rather than "present" is jarring.

Isn’t the whole point of a buffet that you can go back for more?!

Let your husband buy his own gifts 🤷🏻‍♀️ Him coming with you is not him buying.

He’s from a family that doesn’t buy presents, end of. That’s not wrong. Expecting a wedding present is ruder than not buying one, I think.

@pippapoo62

Don't buy gifts this year ,you have your own child now . Don't waste your time or money ,get your husband to tell them that gifts have stopped. Why would you even bother with his family when they couldn't even buy a wedding or christening present. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first and say enough is enough .

I wouldn't bother telling them

Get a small quantity of something bland, like chocolate selection boxes. Wrap them, but when you go to their house leave them in the car.

If you get a present for ds you can run out to the car, scribble a name on and hand over. Otherwise just leave .

Definitely don’t buy anything OP!

Some families just don’t “do” gifting. It’s a big deal in my family but not DH’s. It’s taken me 15 years to accept that!

I would leave it and if someone happens to pop up with a gift for your DS then you can do a quick book token or something fir their kids in return!

Don't bother this year. See if they notice. Then if they do notice and raise it, say that you were following their lead as you had checked with your husband and he said "they're just like that" when it comes to giving gifts so you're going to be 'just like that' going forward too.
If they complain then let your DH take over organising gifts/cards/whatever.
You look after buying for your side of the family, he looks after buying for his.

Don’t bother anymore.

Definitely time to put a stop to the one-sided gift buying!

I'd buy this year ( keeping the receipts) and have the gifts in gift bags ready to hand over ( and take tag/price off) when they visit to give your dc their first Christmas gift.
I'd not be dropping off their gifts first. With a new baby you can't be expected to be trailing around like Santa Claus.
If they don't visit or send a gift then take back their gifts in the New Year, get your money back, and never buy again.

We went through a similar thing. I continued with the gifts because I felt mean for stopping, as they're just children. One day I had enough of it, because my eldest understood and remarked, "how come we send their kids presents but we get none? Are they poor?" I explained that they weren't poor, but didn't have to give anything in return". She said, "so just stop!" I felt like, she was right! So I sent out a mass text message to all siblings on both sides explaining, that we are no longer sending gifts at Christmas & birthdays. We just post out cards now, and nothing else. I feel alot better now.

Rather than doing as @Noshowwithoutpunch suggested you could put £15 in each card. If they drop something off you have the cards ready to hand over. Less hassle than buying stuff to wrap and potentiality return later.

You don't have time for faffing around with a baby. And all you need to say is you didn't have time for shopping and you didn't know what their kids have or need.

You'd need to leave you Dh to decide what he wants to do for his family. And let him spend his own money on his family's gifts if he chooses to buy them any. If it were me I wouldn't buy any of them a gift again.