Do seriously indecisive people realise how annoying they are?

[Loveinthetimeofcoronavirus]

I might just be unlucky but I feel like I am dealing with a plague of indecisiveness and it’s infuriating.

I’m not talking about genuinely difficult choices, but rather picking between two options which are both basically acceptable, and turning it into a festival of angst.

I have three people in my life who do this constantly, and involve me in these endless decision trees. Say they have to pick between two restaurants. Both are similarly priced, similarly fancy, they like both, they know they would enjoy themselves regardless of which option they pick. But they still require me to participate in a multi-text conversation about which one to go for. Usually I say ‘both are lovely, no wrong choice’. But that’s not good enough. So I am decisive to help them out - I say ‘ok, go for option B, it looks lovely.’ Then I get back ‘but I prefer the starters at option A’. So I say ‘great! Option A it is!’ Only for them to say ‘but then, option B has more vegetarian options’. And it just goes on and on and on. If I say there’s no bad choice they complain that they can’t decide. If I pick for them, they question my pick.

How do they not realise how exhausting and pointless this is? It’s such a low-stakes decision! Even if they got it wrong, the consequences would be so minor!

A relative of mine once spent THREE WEEKS making up her mind about a decision just as inconsequential as the one outlined above. She must have sent me 20 options and questioned me extensively about each one. I wanted to scream by the end of it.

Is there any way of stopping this from happening short of causing a fallout by saying ‘stop involving me in the tedious minutiae of your life, I couldn’t care less what minor decisions you make and I certainly don’t want to hear about them!’

Yes I find ditherers annoying too!

Respond "Hmm, tough one, you'll have to let me know what you decide"

Just don't engage with it. Say "I like option B" once and if they question it, say "okay, it's your choice." Either check out of the conversation then or, if you feel that would be too rude, repeat "it's your choice" over and over. They will eventually realise you aren't interested.

Stop indulging them by conversing with them about it.

I am very indecisive, but usually happy if someone just picks for me. If I feel unhappy at that decision, them I'll know which one I preferred.
I'd turn off notifications or put my phone on 'do not disturb' mode until a decision had been made between indecisive parties. Check the day before so I know what's happening and go with the flow.

Just refuse to entertain it.
I know someone like it and I just don’t reply to their messages when they are drivel-I might give a single initial answer if it involves me (eg a restaurant I’m going to). But otherwise just ignore it. They don’t need “feeding”.

I'm very indecisive. Sometimes I make a decision not to decide.

Yeah, I think I am being too generous in indulging it, even if I am just trying to get them to stop bothering me. Repetitive, boring, ‘it’s your choice‘es might be the best option

As someone who can be both a serious ditherer as well as a very decisive person, I understand your pain, OP.

Believe me, it doesn't feel great either to be in the position where you can't make a seemingly simple decision. I just don't know why or how that happens but it's a real pain for both the one doing it and the one who's putting up with it.

On behalf of us: we're so very sorry.

I stop engaging.

I hear you OP. It’s impossible not to engage. You think you’ve been decisive snd the conversation is closed but they always find a way of opening it up again. Even if you said ‘let’s do restaurant B’ and refused to engage further, you’d still get a text on the day you are meeting saying ‘which restaurant are we meeting at then?’

It’s crazy making!

I’ve spent time shouting at my phone over this

The most indecisive person I ever knew was an ex.
"Pizza or chippy?"
"I don't mind"

"Movies or theatre?"
"I don't mind"

"Walk to the hills or to the beach?"
"I don't mind"

"City shopping or village for meal?"
"I don't mind"

It's not quite the same as your position OP.. but it drove me absolutely bonkers.

Um yes.
Um no!
Um, not sure- you decide.

It can be annoying but so are people who fail to understand the agony of anxiety.

WormYourHonour is that the same thing though? In all those examples you also aren't making any decisions. I hate indecisive people, but there's one thing worse and that's people who think that if they jump in first asking "x or y" it's then the other persons problem to decide.

@TreeSmuggler

WormYourHonour is that the same thing though? In all those examples you also aren't making any decisions. I hate indecisive people, but there's one thing worse and that's people who think that if they jump in first asking "x or y" it's then the other persons problem to decide.

True...

But if neither person suggested activities, no one would do a thing.

"Let me know how it went."
You're disengaging and don't want to hear about it again until after the event.

I know someone like this. What’s annoying is we normally just go along with her suggestion for an easy life. Last time, for the first time, we suggested something and it was agonising. Text after text of ‘not sure’ ‘can we change it to here’ etc etc. We cancelled in the end as we were so fed up after two weeks of it 😂

Ignore them completely when they ask. Especially if you're not going for dinner with them.

Or perhaps reassure them that their decision is the right one and valid. Tell them you have confidence in them to make the right decision, like they always do. And then ignore them.

I can be a bit like this! Though I don’t do what your friends do, OP. I do realise it’s really annoying, though. I annoy myself!

My mum does this, I think it's anxiety.

@dworky

It can be annoying but so are people who fail to understand the agony of anxiety.

I think that sufferers of genuine, clinical Anxiety have been done a real disservice by the flocks of twittering ditherers across the internet who use anxiety as an excuse for a failure to behave like an actual adult.

Either say "I said B don't ask me again" or tell them to pick one and if they don't the evening is cancelled?

it drives me absolutely bonkers, but i don't indulge them. And I won't turn off my notifications or switch my phone off for one person.

most of us are aware, and also piss ourselves off.

for me personally, its born out of either having no preference, or not wanting to make a choice in case it upsets someone, as i was in an abusive relationship and invariably any choice/decision i made was either WRONG, or woud get used as a weapon against me later.