Do seriously indecisive people realise how annoying they are?

[Loveinthetimeofcoronavirus]

I might just be unlucky but I feel like I am dealing with a plague of indecisiveness and it’s infuriating.

I’m not talking about genuinely difficult choices, but rather picking between two options which are both basically acceptable, and turning it into a festival of angst.

I have three people in my life who do this constantly, and involve me in these endless decision trees. Say they have to pick between two restaurants. Both are similarly priced, similarly fancy, they like both, they know they would enjoy themselves regardless of which option they pick. But they still require me to participate in a multi-text conversation about which one to go for. Usually I say ‘both are lovely, no wrong choice’. But that’s not good enough. So I am decisive to help them out - I say ‘ok, go for option B, it looks lovely.’ Then I get back ‘but I prefer the starters at option A’. So I say ‘great! Option A it is!’ Only for them to say ‘but then, option B has more vegetarian options’. And it just goes on and on and on. If I say there’s no bad choice they complain that they can’t decide. If I pick for them, they question my pick.

How do they not realise how exhausting and pointless this is? It’s such a low-stakes decision! Even if they got it wrong, the consequences would be so minor!

A relative of mine once spent THREE WEEKS making up her mind about a decision just as inconsequential as the one outlined above. She must have sent me 20 options and questioned me extensively about each one. I wanted to scream by the end of it.

Is there any way of stopping this from happening short of causing a fallout by saying ‘stop involving me in the tedious minutiae of your life, I couldn’t care less what minor decisions you make and I certainly don’t want to hear about them!’

@scarpa I hear you. My brain is the same.

Thanks very much, I'll check the app.

One of the characters in the show The Good Place is sent to their version of hell in the afterlife for being incredibly indecisive.

I'm in two minds about this

I am a ditherer, but put it down to my old age, and it annoys me, because being an oldie, there is not much point in dithering about things now. I do live alone, so don't bother other people.

I am in the middle of trying to choose a new rug for my living room, looking online for ideas etc. For several weeks now I have been trawling through rug sites, and still cant make up my mind about colours and styles etc.. I know what will happen, I will end up with a similar one to my old one, except it will be new and fresh and a bit larger.

I'm incredibly indecisive. It is the bane of my life. I don't like having to make decisions. I am getting better and try to make a snap choice so I don't have time to think but sometimes that is not an option. Fortunately my husband is very decisive and so levels me out. He picks if there is a choice of restaurant or something that doesn't need too much thought.
Please understand that not everyone who is this anxious about decision making is doing it to annoy!

@Justmuddlingalong

"Let me know how it went." You're disengaging and don't want to hear about it again until after the event.

Yes, even when it’s something you’re supposed to be going to

Agree.. it is exhausting. I will admit that sometimes in restaurants I get like this deciding what to order. I’ve resorted to this on more than one occasion…

Server: What would you like?
Me: I can’t decide between A or B please choose one and don’t tell me what you chose.
Server: Are you serious?
Me: There really isn’t a wrong choice and I’d be more than happy with either. I’m not kidding, whatever you choose I’ll be happy with.

DH: She’s not lying, she does this occasionally and she really will be happy with either.

I have never been disappointed with the results, I also tip extra when I do this (US). It’s weird, if I knew what the decision was before the meal was at the table I’d want the other one, but if it’s just plonked down in front of me I’m happy. It must be down to my contrary disposition 🙂

DH can be like this. Comes from having controlling anxious parents who were quick to apportion blame. I alternate between making the decision or forcing him to do it after assuring him that there is no wrong answer. Depends on how patient or invested in the outcome I'm feeling.

I think it's ok to ask the server @saltinesandcoffeecups, especially to choose between two. They may well have tried it and many waiters are not afraid to offer their opinion.

Anyway Do seriously indecisive people realise how annoying they are?

I dunno, what do you think?

Sorry, couldn't resist

I highly recommend watching “The good place”. American TV, on Netflix.

It depends.

If they're "I don't mind" and genuinely don't, then it's not a problem. My dd can be like that. She'd rather you said "we'll go to X" than said "would you like X or Y". If she has an opinion then she'll tell you.

My df on the other hand used to be the master of: "Do you want X or Y?" "I don't mind." "We'll have X then." "Actually I think Y would be best..."
Eventually dm called him out on it, he denied it, so she promptly asked him whether he'd like cheese on toast or boiled egg for dinner. "Don't mind," he said. "I'll do boiled egg then," she replied. "Actually I think cheese on toast.... Oh, sorry!" he said. 🤣🤣🤣
Tbf to him he has been pretty good in the last 35 years or so after that happened.

My MIL appears indecisive but I have come to realise that she actually fears making the wrong choice and therefore being held responsible for it (if only in her head). I've realised that she invariably knows exactly what she wants to do, but wants someone else to have made the decision so it's not her 'fault'. Eg. using the OP's restaurant example, she will know she wants to go to B but will ask where we want to go, refuse to suggest anywhere and say she is happy with anything. We suggest A. She questions/points out problems but won't suggest anything else. We suggest C. Same again. Either we suggest B or she will eventually mention it in passing. She will compare with A but say it's up to us. If we choose A she will leave it for a while then 'check' that we still want to go to A . Repeat until we realise she wants to go to B and say we'll go there. She repeats that it's our choice, she'd be happy with anywhere.

I have no idea why she has this fear of being responsible for making a 'wrong' choice. It's rarely about anything where there will be any real consequences of making a bad choice. However, if anything minor does go wrong (eg. slow service, menu choice we wanted not available etc) she gets almost panicky and goes on for ages about the fact that it was everyone else's choice.

We now start the conversation by telling her that we will take full responsibility for the decision, even if we take her suggestion.

Oops, this is me Would happily pay for someone to decide things for me.

I think that sufferers of genuine, clinical Anxiety have been done a real disservice by the flocks of twittering ditherers across the internet who use anxiety as an excuse for a failure to behave like an actual adult.

Quite, and I say that as someone who has struggled with clinically-diagnosed-and-treated anxiety for large parts of their life. I still can’t bear ditherers and if they want to take an age to make a decision that’s up to them but they can do it on their own time and with their own emotional energy, not mine. Just let me know when you’ve decided.

“Anxiety” is not an explanation for any negative behaviour

I used to be horribly indecisive- I think it came from being brought up in a very rigid, military family (where there were 2 choices- do as you are told or get hurt) and then boarding school (a less extreme version of the same thing), and not being really equipped for having to organise my own life and decide stuff for myself.

I cured myself fairly easily, once I worked out how few choices can only be made once. There will be other dinners, other films, other holidays etc. It was very liberating, especially when I also worked out (very late!) that I'm not responsible for making everyone around me happy.

Is there any way of stopping this from happening short of causing a fallout by saying ‘stop involving me in the tedious minutiae of your life, I couldn’t care less what minor decisions you make and I certainly don’t want to hear about them!’

Not really ... but given the amount of annoyance your ditherers have caused you long term, I don't see why you wouldn't just deploy this nuclear option by now.

If it causes fallout, ask them if they are sure they are upset, & present them with a list of optional emotional responses. You can tiptoe away while they re-enter analysis paralysis ...

@purplecorkheart

My brothers partner is like this and I cannot stand it. She is never on time because she is dithering about what to wear. Her ordering in a restaurant (if she actually manages to get there) is awful.

I stopped eating out with one specific chum who had form for this.

She'd turn up late, then hold up the entire table while she chose her food. Not anxiety-related - a full performance, engaging the wait staff, sending them away, asking them back, requesting changes to the menu ... finally ordering then changing her mind in the same breath, asking for just another 10 minutes, & constant updates about how she couldn't help it, was just more sensitive than other people ... blah blah. She didn't care who was hungry, or that we'd now been bumped under a larger table's order so would have an extra 20 minutes wait - it was all about being precious & milking her audience.

I cottoned on to how deliberate it was when we were on holiday together. The production she made about her (home cooked - no ordering to manage) breakfast was enraging - the woman needed applause for eating a boiled egg.

Sorry to all the anxious people who genuinely suffer over their decisions. This was not that - it was attention seeking & a wish to promote herself as worthy of special attentions while keeping everyone else waiting & clapping along to her tune. Gah, I've come over all sour-faced at the memory!

I am seriously indecisive but I am well aware of how annoying it is and I hate it about myself, I am perfectly happy for someone else to choose for me though. In my case it is a trauma response from childhood that I haven't been able to unlearn so far.

@Indecisivelurcher

Oops, this is me Would happily pay for someone to decide things for me.

I used to do it for free. I had some dithering friends hand over decision making power over little things to me. One I knew really well and could order for her, the other was too easy going. Improved my life considerably, especially when deciding on lunch in food courts.

No more differing over over what goddamn flavour of muffin (bloody muffin break and their gazillion varieties). “You’re having apple cinnamon. He can have choc chip. Share if you want”. “You can have a coffee, I don’t care if you’ve had one already, I know you want another. And you, get an orange juice”

I also chose movies and picked between social options as required. Oh and outfits, FFS. Had to wear what I said if they felt compelled to ask.

And in return they were grateful not to hear “chop chop, time’s a wasting’” from me.

It’s amazing how easy it is to make unimportant decisions for someone else. And how freeing it was for them to just stop agonising over them.

@number87inthequeue

My MIL appears indecisive but I have come to realise that she actually fears making the wrong choice and therefore being held responsible for it (if only in her head). I've realised that she invariably knows exactly what she wants to do, but wants someone else to have made the decision so it's not her 'fault'. Eg. using the OP's restaurant example, she will know she wants to go to B but will ask where we want to go, refuse to suggest anywhere and say she is happy with anything. We suggest A. She questions/points out problems but won't suggest anything else. We suggest C. Same again. Either we suggest B or she will eventually mention it in passing. She will compare with A but say it's up to us. If we choose A she will leave it for a while then 'check' that we still want to go to A . Repeat until we realise she wants to go to B and say we'll go there. She repeats that it's our choice, she'd be happy with anywhere.

I have no idea why she has this fear of being responsible for making a 'wrong' choice. It's rarely about anything where there will be any real consequences of making a bad choice. However, if anything minor does go wrong (eg. slow service, menu choice we wanted not available etc) she gets almost panicky and goes on for ages about the fact that it was everyone else's choice.

We now start the conversation by telling her that we will take full responsibility for the decision, even if we take her suggestion.

This was exactly how I was before I had counselling for anxiety. I was obsessed with the idea that I'd do something 'wrong' and ruin things for everyone so couldn't bear making decisions that affected others, even stupid things like what film to watch, in case they didn't like it and had a bad time and it was All My Fault. I had quite a lot of counselling to change my mindset but the most helpful single insight for me was realising that this kind of anxiety is a type of narcissistic behaviour - that I was massively overstating my own importance and impact (I was just doing it in a negative way, not in a way that assumed I was brilliant). I wasn't going to ruin other people's lives with my bad decisions because I wasn't actually all that important in the grand scheme of their lives, and nor was my film choice! I found that a really helpful reframing because until then I'd struggled to let go of my idea in my head that this behaviour was a positive trait of modesty and putting others first. Seeing that it was actually selfish behaviour really helped to change it.

Ask them to toss a coin.

I totally appreciate that for people who are neurodiverse this may be an inescapable part of your neurodiversity, and I would definitely cut you some slack. Same for people conditioned into indecisiveness by abusive parents or partners - that’s obviously not your fault.

That’s not the case for the people I mentioned. I think they just like the process of it - maybe the attention?

The worst is when these decisions don’t affect me in any way. On one occasion the decision was which one of about 12 sofa beds should be purchased. A sofa bed for a house I don’t live in and will likely never sleep on. It took about 9 conversations over three weeks for the choice to be made! WHYYYY.

I stopped going for dinner with one friend completely after she sent a waitress away 4 times because she couldn’t decide what to eat in a restaurant. Now I only see her for walks and things, so I’m never in that position again.

I feel you OP. Was also gonna mention the 5-3-1 game however I've always known it as the 5-2-1 game. I thought it would solve all my problems until I sent five places to eat to my dithery friend and she replied "Can I pick three instead? Because I'm not sure you'll like the two I've chosen." BUT I CHOSE THE FIVE?? I'M HAPPY TO EAT AT ANY OF THEM??

I’m a ditherer, often paralysed by indecision in my personal life (fine professionally). I apologise for my annoyingness, it isn’t intentional.