Do seriously indecisive people realise how annoying they are?

[Loveinthetimeofcoronavirus]

I might just be unlucky but I feel like I am dealing with a plague of indecisiveness and it’s infuriating.

I’m not talking about genuinely difficult choices, but rather picking between two options which are both basically acceptable, and turning it into a festival of angst.

I have three people in my life who do this constantly, and involve me in these endless decision trees. Say they have to pick between two restaurants. Both are similarly priced, similarly fancy, they like both, they know they would enjoy themselves regardless of which option they pick. But they still require me to participate in a multi-text conversation about which one to go for. Usually I say ‘both are lovely, no wrong choice’. But that’s not good enough. So I am decisive to help them out - I say ‘ok, go for option B, it looks lovely.’ Then I get back ‘but I prefer the starters at option A’. So I say ‘great! Option A it is!’ Only for them to say ‘but then, option B has more vegetarian options’. And it just goes on and on and on. If I say there’s no bad choice they complain that they can’t decide. If I pick for them, they question my pick.

How do they not realise how exhausting and pointless this is? It’s such a low-stakes decision! Even if they got it wrong, the consequences would be so minor!

A relative of mine once spent THREE WEEKS making up her mind about a decision just as inconsequential as the one outlined above. She must have sent me 20 options and questioned me extensively about each one. I wanted to scream by the end of it.

Is there any way of stopping this from happening short of causing a fallout by saying ‘stop involving me in the tedious minutiae of your life, I couldn’t care less what minor decisions you make and I certainly don’t want to hear about them!’

My husband’s family does this, especially with restaurants. The worst incident was when we were seated and then MIL changed her mind. We all had to get up and wander around for another 30 minutes finding somewhere to eat.

Now I refuse to engage. I state my preference, more than once if need be, but that’s it.

Im very indecisive. To the point where my house needs lots of tlc but i keep putting it off as cant face deciding on decor etc.

I do understand how annoying it is when people dither though and am trying to be better especially when it involves others.
I dont know is it a desire to please, a fear of getting it wrong or low self esteem or what. I am desperate for making a decision and then panicing last minute and changing it.

I hate choosing a restaurant as i am so worried the other person wont enjoy it and can almost ruin the meal justifying my decision. As I become more aware of it I try hard to stop but its difficult.
I envy decisive people and those who are sure of their opinions.
But i really am working on it. Now if someone gives me two options i choose one rather than the whole i dont mind thing even though id much rather they decided.

Im not as extreme as your examples though but that is because ive learned to mostly fight my instincts and actively remind myself that its no big deal and not the end of the world if i make the wrong choice.

And no I dont have anxiety or any other mental health problems I just dont like decisions and fear regret. If i have to do something under pressure i can just get on with it. My sister is the exact same.

So be grateful for your decisiveness. Its a gift

I am chronically indecisive - making any, tiny choice means exhaustively weighing up the pros and cons, the potential pitfalls, what if it goes wrong, etc etc etc until I can't decide anyway.

Even just where to go for tea with my husband - I think, well I want X but if I say that he might not and then will just go along with it for my sake and I don't want that because I do like Y too and I'll happily go there, but if we go to Y then it's a bit further out and parking is harder but X is more expensive, and if we go to Y then we will have to take that road where there's always traffic at 6pm but X is by the football stadium and they're playing tonight... and so on.

Until I get stuck in decision paralysis - which is part of my ADHD - feel horribly anxious and unable to make a decision. I hate it, I hate feeling like a ditherer, and I rarely end up getting what I want anyway because I question myself so much I end up deferring to the other person.

So while I absolutely know it's incredibly annoying (and I'm sorry!) it can be exhausting for us too sometimes!

DH and I have a stupid app where you put choices in (restaurant, weekend plans, what to watch on Netflix) and it spins a little wheel and picks one. Bloody lifesaver.

I think the issue here is attitudes to diversity- Difficulties with decision making are often neurological, indecisive people are not doing this to annoy you, it’s the way their brain functions. However, I appreciate it can be difficult to be on the receiving end so would recommend never offering more than two choices and being the decision maker as much as possible - this may feel like a burden to always have to make the decisions but if it is someone yon genuinely want to go for dinner with for example, just take the lead and book somewhere, don’t make them the final decision maker .

I have ditherers in my life in fact my example is so similar to that of the OP I could have written it myself. Except my ditherers like to add in steps that I must complete before they can make their minds up.

Eg I get a form cue a week long dither about which is first option. Fill it in and No! They chose the wrong option! So I have to buu tippex so they can change options. Another week long dither then I have to get documents to support form etc etc.

Can I also add faffers on? Let’s do A. OK but I’ve got to iron my clothes. And I need to change my contacts. I need the loo now . Etc etc argh!

My mother did this in her later years, I am sure it was anxiety. However, if I stepped in and made the decision for her - which she wanted me to do and was grateful for at the time - and then something went wrong - she was not at all indecisive about blaming me.

Stop giving them options.

Do you want to meet at X for lunch?

I'm going to go to the beach, do you want to come?

Not, shall we go for lunch? To X or Y?

Or just stop dealing with them entirely.

My brothers partner is like this and I cannot stand it. She is never on time because she is dithering about what to wear. Her ordering in a restaurant (if she actually manages to get there) is awful.

I do this, especially if i have to make a decision for other people - in my case it is paralysing social anxiety. I can’t bear the thought of picking a restaurant or whatever that turns out to be shit and disappointing people, my head goes on to imagine that my choice ruined everyone’s day and the shame i would feel as a result. As others have said it’s absolutely exhausting. It is lovely when someone else makes the decision for me, such a relief!

Interesting that PP mentioned ADHD as I’ve suspected I might have that for a while.

As a decisive person I totally agree this drives me absolutely bonkers! I totally get fed up of having to make the choice as everyone else is over analysing every little detail!

DH and I have a stupid app where you put choices in (restaurant, weekend plans, what to watch on Netflix) and it spins a little wheel and picks one. Bloody lifesaver.

What app is this @scarpa? I REALLY need it for Netflix. I end up rarely watching anything because there are too many options and I can't keep checking all the info to see if I'd like them or not. I'd like to just choose one and watch - if i don't like it, then I'd go with another.

I am like this, it annoys me to be that person so I get how irritating it is for everyone else.

I know in my case it’s based on remembered fear.
When my husband was alive I had to make every decision and every one was wrong and an excuse to beat the crap out of me.

My DH is a bit like this, where restaurants are concerned, especially on holiday . Thank god for Trip Advisor ....cause now I say find somewhere , book it and stick to it . Weirdly big stuff like buying a house or car ....no dithering at all

I would refuse to engage and I have very little patience so if I'd been asked for an opinion and given it then I would probably respond to further requests for input with, "I've already given you my opinion/advice, it hasn't changed since you first asked."

Also I'm stealing "festival of angst".

I can’t decide if I’m annoying or not. Yes I am, or maybe I’m not 🤔

I'm like this. It comes from never being allowed to make a decision as a child. Consequently, my DC have chosen their clothes, what to have for dinner etc from a young age, much to the chagrin of relatives.

@KeepTwirling

DH and I have a stupid app where you put choices in (restaurant, weekend plans, what to watch on Netflix) and it spins a little wheel and picks one. Bloody lifesaver.

What app is this @scarpa? I REALLY need it for Netflix. I end up rarely watching anything because there are too many options and I can't keep checking all the info to see if I'd like them or not. I'd like to just choose one and watch - if i don't like it, then I'd go with another.

Decision Roulette! It's a bit garish looking, but it stops me spending 2 hours looking at descriptions, ratings and IMDB pages before I inevitably watch one of three TV shows I've seen 12892898912 times haha.

Like you said, we pick something using that, I haven't 'had' to make the decision, but then if we're not fussed when it's on I've got a 'real' reason to turn it off (for some reason my brain is okay with that then).

@bert3400

My DH is a bit like this, where restaurants are concerned, especially on holiday . Thank god for Trip Advisor ....cause now I say find somewhere , book it and stick to it . Weirdly big stuff like buying a house or car ....no dithering at all

This is a good point! A food choice will ruin the best part of an hour for me but I've signed 2-year rental leases based off a 2-minute glance round a house in an area I don't even know.

Not only am I annoyingly indecisive, I'm also apparently reckless when the indecisiveness might be useful

Tell them to flip a coin, roll a dice or similar to decide. Far too exhausting if continuous. I do know someone a bit like this but they make hard decisions say to say so when it’s something really small they take their time - they don’t pull others in though.

You have my sympathies. I have a relative who does this too...

"Now, come with me and see what I bought at the shop...oooh, beans...do you think I should keep them in this cupboard...or perhaps they'd be better in the this one...this one is closer to the cooker...and the pans... oh but all the other tins are in that one over there and all the tins should be together..."

For my relative, it's some kind of Virginia Woolf type stream of consciousness conversational habit. It has nothing to do with making the actual decision at all as far as I can tell. They are trying to be close to me and do small talk. It's horrible.

I try to get in there first now and speak to them about books which is bearable though tin-talk still occasionally breaks out, which is my cue to leave.

It depends on the reason for the indecisiveness. Is the person just handwringing or are they trying to get you to take responsibility so they can make you wrong no matter what your decision?

DH and I sometimes use the 5-3-1 method where person A chooses five options, person B narrows it to three and person A makes the final choice. I've tried this on my mum (v v indecisive!) and she won't stick to the format so it's not foolproof but if you both genuinely want to find a resolution it can help.

My mum gets hung up on the weighing of options and doesn't really want to get past it without testing and remaking her decision a hundred times, and in that sort of scenario there may be no choice but to disengage, ie 'Ok, let me know what you decide.'

Someone once told me that if you're dithering for ages over a decision that means it doesn't matter which choice you make so just pick one, but if it's someone else driving it this may not be useful info.

Stop indulging them by conversing with them about it

This ^^

As often as not what they're really after is someone to feed the silliness, so just don't engage. "I'll leave it up to you" covers things quite nicely IME

For some people, "being indecisive " and " endlessly asking what YOU want/think, YOU decide" is just a form of attention seeking/manipulation.

That's why they turn down every suggestion you offer. Whatever you say is the wrong answer.

Disengage.

I have a friend who can be a bit like this. She tries to pawn off all decisions onto someone else but then once the plan is made, with her agreement, she'll need to change it last minute.

So she'll message and say 'shall we meet for dinner on the 10th?' I'll say 'sure, that sounds great'.
Immediately she'll get back with 'ok, where will we go?'. I fell for it fir ages and always made suggestions and invariable ended up booking it etc. Until I realised what was happening!
Because if I was the one making the suggestion to meet I'd text to ask if she was free, and once she was I would follow up with something like 'we could go to X or Y unless you have anywhere else in mind? She never did have anywhere in mind....

So i stepped back a lot - now if she suggests dinner / lunch I say sure that that's great, works for me. Then the message comes...where will we go...so I've started replying 'I don't mind, I'm easy - where ever you like'.
There will be silence for a day or so, then she'll ask 'any ideas where we should go? I'm open to all suggestions..' So I reply again, no, totally happy to go where ever you fancy....
and round and round it goes...

Even if I do end up suggesting and booking somewhere, we'll agree 8pm works, I get the booking and INVAIRIABLY on the day she'll message she can't be there till 8,30 as she now has to drop x to Y or some such avoidable nonsense.

I really like her but all the FAFFING really puts me off planning stuff, because even after all the to-ing and fro-ing it either gets cancelled or modified by her...aaargh....