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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to think that the 'toppers ' in your life are a drain ..

59 replies

the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 09:16

.. not talking about pizza toppings , but people who have to go ' one up ' on anything you've said or done?
I know a few and if you've done it , read it or seen it they have too , only better !
If it's a one off I can deal with it, but generally it is everything and it also obvious some of it is slightly made up too?
I think that often it's attention seeking or comes from a sense of insecurity , but many just do it because they can ?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/09/2021 09:24

Why don't you just get rid of them out of your life? You'll find it much less draining!

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 09:26

I know ! Some are colleagues. Some are people that are on an app we use too , so it's hard to not read or hear what is being said !

OP posts:
GreatPotato · 28/09/2021 09:27

I don't know these people. DH had a friend/colleague who did it years ago but we haven't seen him since they stopped working together.

Stay away from anyone who's draining you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/09/2021 09:28

Don’t know any.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/09/2021 09:29

Pressed too soon.

Don’t know any, deliberately.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 28/09/2021 09:30

I had a friend who did that and used to privately refer to him as 'Elevenerife'. It's a bit tiresome but you either have to tune it out or cut down on the time spent with them. Their issue, not mine!

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 09:31

Yes, I know. I do like one or two to be fair, but it's almost as if they have to go one better all the time?

They have to 'top ' whatever your doing ?

OP posts:
Grenlei · 28/09/2021 09:45

@SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend

I had a friend who did that and used to privately refer to him as 'Elevenerife'. It's a bit tiresome but you either have to tune it out or cut down on the time spent with them. Their issue, not mine!
Yep, the Elevenerifer's are a right PITA.

The best way to deal with it I've found is to make up something outlandish, knowing however ridiculous it is they will come up with something better...or just bet with yourself when a conversation is going on what exaggerated nonsense they're going to come up with!

I find I can't bring myself to top the topper though; I was chatting with a group a couple of years ago including one of these types. One person was talking about going to the Shard for the experience thing, how much they'd enjoyed it etc...the topper jumped straight in with a long old tale about how they got taken there on a date for cocktails and to the restaurant and how lovely it was, and so on. Now I could have topped them as I've stayed there for a weekend (birthday treat from DP) but I just left them to it, as I didn't want to look like I was bragging - or being a topper myself Grin

Thewiseoneincognito · 28/09/2021 09:49

I have a close relative who does this. We lead very different lives and I suppose she feels the need to compete with me so anything I’ve done or had she’s either done or had or has a friend who has done or had better than me. Me and DP laugh about it, but it does make catch ups draining.

I’m not a competitive person when it comes to material possessions and would never think less of her because she can not afford what I have and I certainly don’t brag or show off either, I would say it’s an insecurity.

Peppapigforlife · 28/09/2021 09:53

Haha the people who are saying they don't know any are one upping too without even realising it 😂

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/09/2021 09:57

I had an aunt like this, with anything my DM said.
Whatever it was, she had to go one better.

My DM was once telling me about a friend or neighbour who had some very rare disease.
My DF promptly said, ‘For God’s sake don’t tell Aggie* - she’ll know someone who’s had it twice.’ 😂
*not her real name.

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 10:01

One example I have is a couple of colleagues.
One had always spoken about her current partners ex and what a terrible life he had with her ( she was an alcoholic, abusive and they are now divorced, she obviously had many issues and they had a terrible marriage)
The ' topper ' friend is now using the same language to describe her new partners ex wife.
I don't know if if this a coincidence that both these women are exactly the same , but if often feels as if she has to almost parrot what has been said before ( if that makes any sense) and nobody will know of any of it is actually true or not? I'm not sure if others have picked up on this or it is just one of those things, but my gut is telling me it's only done on order to top the other person ( who I do know is actually telling the truth!)
I guess some of it is just may be attention seeking ?

OP posts:
TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 28/09/2021 10:09

They are definitely draining!! We have a friend who is exactly like that, he has ADHD and has previously shared things on facebook basically explaining that him pointing out that he also knows someone/something with that condition/equipment/experience is him including himself in the conversation and finding common ground to talk about.

That helps a bit, but he's always got something better/worse/longer/shorter, its frustrating. We're friends because he's my good friends longterm partner and I want to support her. It's so annoying to see her retreat into herself when he's around taking over the conversation, but other than pushing to see her and their child on their own, we're not really sure what we can do!

BrendaBubbles · 28/09/2021 10:12

You need to find it funny. That is a big help. People like that are so easy to mock without them realising it if you patronise them with flattery and back handed compliments.

Antinerak · 28/09/2021 10:14

YANBU It's bad enough when they're one upping the good things you talk about but it's worse when they one-up the bad things. I had a death in the family earlier this year and a topper 'friend' said "Oh well my Gran died when I was 15 so at least it's only your cousin". If they don't just make it about themselves they also trauma dump to get the 'woe is me' thing across. Pathetic.

Blerg · 28/09/2021 10:54

I have a friend like this. It is genuinely absurd how quickly she goes back to her, and particularly her child. I feel I can no longer say anything without half cringing, waiting for it. I don’t think she knows the most basic things about me, whereas I know everything about her, many times over.

I do wonder if it’s an anxiety thing or maybe a neuro diverse issue. I do find it quite draining and I don’t want to spend much time with her. I feel sorry for her though because I think most of her friends have been driven away.

She’s very negative about most experiences, shops and businesses, doctors etc etc. I feel exhausted after a conversation.

TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty · 28/09/2021 11:01

I have a relative like this. I made the mistake of mentioning that I’m likely to need a hip replacement. They told me (in effect) that they didn’t know what I was fussing about, as they’d had their leg amputated last month. Except, of course, they hadn’t.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 28/09/2021 11:02

I laugh at them inside my mind. It's a very insecure person who feels the need for constant one-upmanship.

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 11:40

It's a bit off my original topic , but I also have come across the people who play down whatever has happened to you ( oh, you'll get over it etc, your overreacting etc etc) but when it's them that have broken a nail, it's all a huge disaster and how will I cope and wants the sympathy and then gets it too !!

OP posts:
Sheerheight · 28/09/2021 11:50

I agree, the80s, I have a colleague goes on with great drama about very distant non- relatives (eg her brother's father in law). I mentioned a worry I had about my parents and she couldn't be less interested.

The next time she start on about this person i just ignored her and walked out of the office.

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 11:54

I watch people's eyes glaze over the minute I start talking !! A few are good listeners and you can have a two way conversation and it's great but generally people are very self absorbed or will just talk over you.
Watching two self absorbed ones trying to chat is funny ! It's a competition then as to who can out chat who!

OP posts:
thereisonlyoneofme · 28/09/2021 12:37

Ive met someone like this in our dog walking club. always going one up, been there, done that or known someones uncles babysitter that had done it. I started not engaging, now shes got the rage because Im not talking to her !

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2021 12:51

We've got one like this at work, I call him Mr Black Cat, because if you had a black cat, he'd have a blacker bugger.

Westerman · 28/09/2021 12:57

I used to have a friend like this. I could never have a success just of my own; she always had to go one better. In the end, I just stopped all contact. It was genuinely sapping away the little confidence that I had.

Why can't friends celebrate each others successes and happiness instead of always having to go one better.

DollyDinkle · 28/09/2021 12:58

I call them "two shits" because if you've had one shit, they will have had two.