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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to think that the 'toppers ' in your life are a drain ..

59 replies

the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 09:16

.. not talking about pizza toppings , but people who have to go ' one up ' on anything you've said or done?
I know a few and if you've done it , read it or seen it they have too , only better !
If it's a one off I can deal with it, but generally it is everything and it also obvious some of it is slightly made up too?
I think that often it's attention seeking or comes from a sense of insecurity , but many just do it because they can ?

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2021 13:18

@DollyDinkle

I call them "two shits" because if you've had one shit, they will have had two.
🤣🤣
TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty · 28/09/2021 13:53

Yes, I think they’re two sides of the same coin. Their experience is always more than yours, so if you’ve had a success, they’ve had a greater one, if you’ve had a life event, they’ve had a more spectacular one, and if you’ve had a setback, they’ve had a worse one, so stop your fussing.

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 13:56

I hate the non listeners most of all.
This desire to shut down any conversation that might involve speaking about someone other than them ! God forbid you do that to them !!
😂 they don't cope very well with it.

OP posts:
Getyourownback · 28/09/2021 14:00

I’ve got one but instead of being one better, it’s always that she’s literally done something before me. It can be about anything; a place I’ve been, a meal I’ve tried, something my kid learnt to do, something I did with my kid, etc. I think it stems from insecurity but bugger me, it’s annoying. We’re part of a wider group and it’s only me she does it to.

I started to have a bit of fun with it to see what she’d say she’d done first, but then I felt unkind so now I’ve just sort of withdrawn from the group. Which is sad.

QueenoftheKarens · 28/09/2021 14:02

It's not just the uppers, it's the downers too!
"I'm poorly."
"Well I'm worse than you as I've got a cold and my leg is falling off." Type people. I hate them.

Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 14:05

I thought this was going to be a thread about petrol "toppers" ie those who keep refilling their car even when they have used just a quarter of their tank's worth Grin

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 14:07

I did go low contact with a self absorbed friend : all she wanted to do was talk about her amazing family and extended family and rarely asked anything about mine or would just talk over you.
It's sad, because they are not horrible people they just don't have many boundaries or just think that their life is so much more interesting than your one.
Some of this may be mental health related too I suppose, but generally it's just a general lack of manners or the ability to listen to each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 14:18

@Neveratruerfriend

I thought this was going to be a thread about petrol "toppers" ie those who keep refilling their car even when they have used just a quarter of their tank's worth Grin
😂 No, toppers is just what my dh and I call the ones who go one better than you do ( and will probably boast that they got their petrol just fine without any hassle at all )
OP posts:
IARTNS · 28/09/2021 14:27

If you had an elephant, they'd have a box to keep it in.

ForkedIt · 28/09/2021 14:36

I almost lived with one of these at university. One particularly memorable example is when she overhead an inane conversation I was having with a mutual friend in which I’d said something about my crappy little car managing to do a hill start in second gear (no idea why it had come up in conversation?!) and she piped up, ‘I only ever pull away in third’ Hmm
Just SO random - what do you even say to that?
Dodged a bullet.

FuckingFabulous · 28/09/2021 14:55

This morning, as I was taking my youngest to school, some woman I've spoken to about half a dozen times said,

-"ooh, can I ask about your coat? Is it vintage designer? Like, high end?"

I said "It's vintage, yes, Burberry. I got it on eBay. Bargain!"

She said, "Oh, Burberry" with a proper air of distaste and then, "My mum picked one up like yours in the charity shop. My coat's Armani, but I bought it from the actual Armani shop at full price."

takealettermsjones · 28/09/2021 15:04

@FuckingFabulous I hope you replied, "well, never mind, vintage shopping is a real art, you'll get better at it eventually"

[Flounce]

TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty · 28/09/2021 15:08

That reminds me that it must be time to reintroduce the MN flounce!

HarebrightCedarmoon · 28/09/2021 15:10

Some people definitely do the Elevenerife thing, but I think most people are just actually sharing their experiences and sometimes other people (particularly chip on shoulder types) interpret this as competitive.

Also you get people who drain the energy from a group by being the exact opposite. Like the coat situation above, the Armani comment is clearly ridiculous and hilarious, but the opposite would also be bad. "I wish I could afford a coat."

NecklessMumster · 28/09/2021 15:15

This is my neighbour, so can't avoid him completely. Mr Tommy Two shits. He found out my mil died recently and said
' my mum fell over..'

stuckinagut · 28/09/2021 15:44

I avoid most social media for this very reason! There seems to be a little rivalry in my small circle for topping 'busy-ness', with texts ever more full of frantic appointments and commitments, humble bragging apologies for being sooooo busy and empty promises to catch up over coffees and beers that never materialize! I'm not sure if people actually enjoy this busy-ness and I am missing out, or whether I am in fact humble bragging about our moderately paced lives!

Original poster
the80sweregreat · 28/09/2021 15:47

The type of people who post ' be kind ' memes on social media are usually the ones who are not!

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 28/09/2021 15:52

It's fine to not have anything to do with people who you find draining. That is self love. It's allowed. Often takes a long time as an adult to realise it.

Dragonpox · 28/09/2021 15:56

My DH likes to have worse illnesses than me. If I say "my head is really hurting today" I'm met with "yeah, mine has been killing all week". Or " ooft I have bad period pain today" I get "I knocked my knee earlier and it's been throbbing in agony since" Hmm

HarebrightCedarmoon · 28/09/2021 16:10

@stuckinagut

I avoid most social media for this very reason! There seems to be a little rivalry in my small circle for topping 'busy-ness', with texts ever more full of frantic appointments and commitments, humble bragging apologies for being sooooo busy and empty promises to catch up over coffees and beers that never materialize! I'm not sure if people actually enjoy this busy-ness and I am missing out, or whether I am in fact humble bragging about our moderately paced lives!
Or they could feel out of control, disorganised, overwhelmed and anxious due to their commitments, even though ostensibly not that busy. People can be very busy but also organised and still find time to meet up with friends.
YouTubeAddict · 28/09/2021 16:14

If you’ve been to Tenerife then they’ve been to Eleven-a-reef (love that phrase!)
If you’ve got a black cat, they’ve got a panther.

Yup, know the sort and they’re very tiresome.

Tiramiwho · 28/09/2021 16:54

Love this song. Describes this type of person and that Karma gets them eventually 😈

MostTacticalNameChange · 28/09/2021 16:54

Years back we had two old family friends like this (didn't know each other) that would turn up unannounced and want tea and biscuits. Too polite (young and stupid) to turn them away we would entertain but with both of them it was just like listening to them, no conversation, they just wanted an audience to drone on about their boring lives. And any comment we could get in was topped. Even with DC - ie I'd say he smiled for the first time today, there'd be a blank look then a monologue about how their uncle's aunt's friend's baby is now doing long division etc. So tedious.

One day, though, they both turned up around the same time, they were introduced and for the next 3 hours it was just the toppers-olympics. I sank a bottle of wine watching it, each talking louder and more self centred and you could see their brains whirring thinking up ways to best the other. It was friendly on the surface but they both moaned about what a pompous dickhead the other was next time we saw them!

I did used to do it in my early teens but it was just insecurity and wanting to fit in. I had a bit less than a lot of my friends and over-compensated often either with lies/embellishments or roping in distant relation's achievements for some second hand glory. It was a conscious decision to stop.

JoborPlay · 28/09/2021 17:56

Oh yes, I had a colleague like that. Really frustrating. If I'd been to Tenerife, he'd been to Elevenerife as another colleague used to say of him.

hagsrus0 · 28/09/2021 18:22

(Written many years ago)

Don't call to tell her your trouble or woe
Because she's got it too, only worse.
Don't call to share your amazing insight:
She had it last week - and in verse!

Don't call to tell her your great stroke of luck
Because she's had it - better - already.
And never mind telling her you got engaged:
He'll turn out to be her cast-off steady!