To think this is an exercise in trying to control and punish ME and nothing to do with the children

[Morefuelyou]

Long story short I have four DC . 15, 10, 8 and 7 with my exH. We split over 3 years ago. He has convictions and cautions for domestic violence against me and after we split was subject to a 12 month non mol.

He pays maintenance each week without fail. Since the day we split he has never had the children overnight. On a few occasions he's bee asked . Once when I was in hospital and another time when I had no gas or electricity in the house for a 24 hour period. Both times he refused and questioned why an elderly relative of mine who lives an hours drive from me couldn't look after them instead .

I have never stopped him seeing the children. In lockdown he met someone online and moved in with her and her child 7 months into the relationship. She has never met me and has only met my children twice both times on a day out. None of us know his address. I should also add when he moved in with her he moved 100 miles away from them.

This year when we had the January lockdown he used covid and not wanting to mix households as a reason not to see tjem (he his new gf her daughter , me or my children - none of us are clinically vulnerable in any way) and contact between separated parents was also permitted during the lockdowns. Anyhow....

He didn't see them between new year and the middle of April. Nor did he telephone or facetime them during that time it was basically radio silence

A couple of months ago he decided to allow the new girlfriend to call our 15 year old up one night and spend 20 mins being rude and abusive about me, my parenting and the children. She claims they have been turned against him by me. And all kinds of things. Says the children should have called him and he's entitled to his own life which is why they don't do overnights.

Following this phonecall which my son recorded my son blocked his dad and so did I as he was sending rude messages to me . All of my children said at the moment they didn't want to see him. They were very upset. My youngest was crying at bedtimes to sleep and my 10 year old started bed wetting.

I conveyed this to their dad and said I would see if they wanted to facetime at some stage when they felt happier and see where we went from there. Two weeks later they spoke on the phone.

Then this weekend he turned up and knocked on the door without any warning (his parents can still contact my eldest . He has my email address, he could have written a letter.

Basically he's decided he wants pursue court action against me. He said about mediation first (I have looked into it and am fully aware due to previous DV that mediation isn't suitable. 2 days ago he emailed me stuff from the mediation person he made enquiries with along with details of all the costs a copy of a c100 form and so on

Also now aware due to the DV I may well be eligible for legal aid . I work full time but on a low income topped up with UC .

I was still fair and I replied to the email reminding him I have never said he can't see them simply that they didn't want to at the moment, they were very upset and I wasn't about to hurry and force them to go out with him before they were ready.

I offered him every other Saturday between 8.30 and 6pm

Reminded him he would need to factor in taking our 10 year old to football training

Asked that they were fed both lunch and dinner before being returned as many times he brought them home having not been fed dinner

And I offered every Wednesday evening between 5.30 and 8pm where he could take them for dinner

I have in the past said he can see them at mu house even offering to go out. He refuses . He refuses them overnight. He didn't speak to them in 4 months. I have suggested that contact schedule and hes now refused that and says no I will be seeing you in court

This isn't about the kids at all is it ? This is a man who was violent and controlling. Who turned threatening when I dared to file for divorce trying to get at me and control me again using the kids isn't it. All backed up by his family. His mum his new girlfriend. She knows about the violence and told my child on the phone these things happen in relationships and he wouldn't have hit your mum without a bloody good reason.

Disgusting what he's doing and the way he's allowing this woman to speak about me and my lovely children

Sorry to hear this OP. No advice, but good luck.

No advice eithee but I would agree, he has no interest in seeing the children. Perhaps hes clocked that he looks like a shit did as his covid excuses for seeing his kids
Have run and doesnt want people to think badly of him so hes blaming you. Or perhaps hes just a controlling prick. Id use up every penny of support you can get to try and resolve this in a way that is in yoir childrens best interests

I think you are right OP. He’s taking you to court to punish you.
Your offer was better than he deserved imho. Don’t feel you need to re-offer it when going to court. Definitely get legal advice, I hope you do get legal aid. I would think that due to the DV, you would reasonable to ask court he only have supervised contact and that the oldest 15yo is old enough to decide whether they want any contact at all.

What's he actually taking you to court to achieve? Has he said what he actually wants? He wants to see them, you offered him a starting point and he has refused that. You cant make a 15 year old do anything anyway.
I'd document absolutely everything. I think a court would laugh at his request to be honest so you might be able to self represent as I would think its pretty straightforward

Keep doing what you are doing. Everything in writing, so you have evidence. If he's turned down your offers then has he stated what access he is trying to get?
He will probably change his mind when he realises he's providing you with time to yourself.

I dont mean going to court is straightforward I mean I dont think a judge would take this seriously. No contact, a load of abuse from a girlfriend that you have evidence of where she condones DV, and him refusing to see them are all facts you can evidence easily

I think he's either trying to get at you or look good to the new partner. However I think you should take all the help you can get in keeping your kids from him.

And no he can't force 15 yo to visit.

My friend self represents herself against her DV abusive ex. She's had every success because the guy is an arse hole. Sounds like your ex is too.

What does he want by way of contact? Seems insane to go from actively avoiding his dc to taking you to court. Clearly all for show.

Controlling men can brainwash women.

He'll have convinced girlfriend that you are all that is bad. That he's faultless. Thats why she's angry with you.

The judge will see through his shit.

Xx

If, and that's a very big if, he decides to go ahead with this, it can become quite costly if there is any disagreement.

Please don't be afraid of refusing mediation (as pp said, it's not suitable in dv cases), nor of self-representing in court. Have a look at the wikivorce website and forum for excellent advice and cheerleading.

You have offered him way more than he deserves/wants/could possibly deal with, and his threats to take this to court are baseless - what does he really want?

Document EVERYTHING, only communicate by text/email, make no further offers. Let him waste his own time and money persuing this to impress his gf.

Be better than him. Try and rise above his bullshit. I know how hard it is, I've been there. My ex threatened the same but didn't have the balls to show up in court (got thrown out, and he wouldn't have got anywhere near what I offered anyway) and it cost him a fortune. I self-repped on the day with a couple of hours of support beforehand with an excellent empowering solicitor.

The kids will figure it out too, eventually. I promise.

I think there are two parts to this. One is the controlling and continuing abusive aspect, the other is trying to portray himself as a good parent to his girlfriend.

It’s not you, it is him. Stay strong. 💐

I sent the email on Thursday night and on Friday evening he replied and said I have noted your comments but court is the only way forward .

I also stated that all contact now would be via email only at that address due to the abuse by telephone and text messages . He is staying blocked as its had serious effects on my mental health . 3 months off work over the summer with depression and anxiety being one of them.

I replied and simply said that is entirely your choice would you be able to suggest what you would like in the way of contact and access as maybe we can combine both sets of ideas to draw up something which will work for all involved

That was 3 days ago and not heard a word

Oh yes I always said right from the very start why did this woman never question why he didn't see or speak to his kids for months on end and I always said he would have painted me as the spiteful ex stopping him because he was with someone else . It's so predictable

I literally have every text from the day we split up. Even at times last year when I said whats stopping you seeing them one night in the week. Warning him it would harm his relationship with them and they were only seeing him because it was me who encouraged them to .

I will be truthful my eldest is so fed up with his shit behaviour and abuse he said he would tell the new girlfriend all about his abuse and convictions. His dad spent a week messaging me telling me to hurry up and tell her trying to encourage and goad my son to tell her and when he was ignored he to my son I used to be a sex worker years ago . This is true and was during a time that he had lost his job for drink driving our child was a little baby of a few months old and he actually saw the ad in the paper and suggested it. I was in my late teens and did it for a few months with his full knowledge and consent. And he sent my 15 year old son a text message one Friday night and told him

Once when I was in hospital and another time when I had no gas or electricity in the house for a 24 hour period. Both times he refused and questioned why an elderly relative of mine who lives an hours drive from me couldn't look after them instead

Following this phonecall which my son recorded

I was still fair and I replied to the email reminding him I have never said he can't see them simply that they didn't want to at the moment, they were very upset and I wasn't about to hurry and force them to go out with him before they were ready.

I offered him every other Saturday between 8.30 and 6pm

And I offered every Wednesday evening between 5.30 and 8pm where he could take them for dinner

I have in the past said he can see them at mu house even offering to go out. He refuses . He refuses them overnight. He didn't speak to them in 4 months. I have suggested that contact schedule and hes now refused that and says no I will be seeing you in court

Do you still have written evidence of some or all of this? Emails/text messages, still have the recording your son made? If you do hang on to it, it will be worth its weight in gold.

And every time he says he'll see you in court, grin and say you're looking forward to it.

Can you afford to have all your communication go through solicitors so you don't have to engage with him at all?

x post, sorry. You DO have the evidence. Good.

Yes have all texts , wattsapps every visit arranged. If he's brought them back with no dinner a message asking why they have not been fed. So there's been a paper trail and I have gathered evidence for years now and covered every incident . I have never ever said he can't see them. This is the first time in 19 years he's ever been blocked. He can email me . He could have written a letter . His mother can still contact my son and could easily have said can you ask your mum to contact me.. but nope nothing.

I will bet my life savings this prick wont be taking you to court.
A man who wont even call or FaceTime his own kids for 4 months?.
This is all for the new girlfriends benefit and as you've worked out, to get to you.
Wait for a letter from the court.
Kids are available for more than reasonable contact.
You've done your bit let him do what he wants to next.
Im guessing he will make a tit of himself one way or the other.
But he wont be paying out in money time and effort to get the contact you're already offering .

God I hate men like this.
So entitled and so useless at the same time.
Your poor eldest has had to wise up to that fact, can feel like a win in someways but nobody wants to realise their father is a raging prick.
Just be there for them and ingnore dickheads antics as much as possible.
Sorry you are going through this op these men make me sick.

I dont think he will get anywhere with the courts.
Let him try. What you have offered is more than the courts would grant considering how little effort he has made.

His girlfriend is probably questioning how and why he doesn't see his kids, and he is running out of excuses to blame you. She's probably telling him that he needs to take you to court and he is now out of excuses and has no other choice but to at least pretend to go down that route, so to not show himself as the dick he actually is.

Makes sense really now that covid is out of the way. He probably milked that for as long as he could as an excuse with his girlfriend.

god you really are falling for it hook line and sinker arent you.

first off tell him to get lost and your see him in court, if the kids hate him and are upset you shouldnt be offering him any kinds of visits or contact, let him take you to court if he has the balls, with his track record, your evidence and their feelings he hasnt got a leg to stand on.

this is all playing up for the new victim until hes got her ground down enough to control, he has painted himself as the victim and has to go along with it, he doesnt give a stuff about you or the kids, he gives a stuff about giving her the right impression as the wronged victim woe is him, she is going to help the poor soul see his kids and get justice, he has lied his way into a corner.

what he really hopes is that you will do as you are told, he really isnt interested in court, he is interested in getting the kids to make a good impression it'll last five minutes and then he will slink into the shadows again perhaps leaving her to act as parent.

I wouldnt let either of them near the kids if I was you ones, toxic the other is poisoned, both will be psychologically abusing the kids with BS, have you tried talking to womens Aid for advice.

‘Ok’ would be the only appropriate response.
Perhaps
‘Ok, but in the interim if you do want to see your children I will need a minimum of a weeks notice and of course they may be busy as you have refused any regular schedule. Also as I’ve said I certainly can’t make the older children see you if they don’t want to.

Him telling your son about your previous sex work is perfect evidence that he is willing to harm your kids to hurt you.

I don’t think court is going to go the way he wants it to.

Its great you have evidence of all texts and WhatsApps etc. The only advice I can add is save all of these in a separate place I.e. screenshot and email them to yourself or upload to the cloud. Itll be sod's law your phone will break or die and you could lose this. Same with the recording of the girlfriend, just to be safe!

Let him go to court. Most of the time these men are all bluff and bluster and its pure bullying tactics. I'm sorry you and your DC are going through this, especially your eldest. Its really horrible to come to the realisation that your dad is a cunt, I was twice his age before I accepted it

YANBU- this is all about him and his obsession with controlling you, not about seeing his kids. It sounds like you know what you’re doing (like never doing mediation with an abuser). All I would say is keep everything so if he does take it to court they can see not only the abuse he and his girlfriend have chucked around but also what you have already offered and he’s rejected.

His girlfriend at first glance is vile, saying those horrible things to a child but also has victim written all over her: she thinks behaviour like your ex’s is totally reasonable. Her children may well grow up being taught and believing the same. That’s fucking tragic. Thank god your children have you setting them an example.