To think this is an exercise in trying to control and punish ME and nothing to do with the children

[Morefuelyou]

Long story short I have four DC . 15, 10, 8 and 7 with my exH. We split over 3 years ago. He has convictions and cautions for domestic violence against me and after we split was subject to a 12 month non mol.

He pays maintenance each week without fail. Since the day we split he has never had the children overnight. On a few occasions he's bee asked . Once when I was in hospital and another time when I had no gas or electricity in the house for a 24 hour period. Both times he refused and questioned why an elderly relative of mine who lives an hours drive from me couldn't look after them instead .

I have never stopped him seeing the children. In lockdown he met someone online and moved in with her and her child 7 months into the relationship. She has never met me and has only met my children twice both times on a day out. None of us know his address. I should also add when he moved in with her he moved 100 miles away from them.

This year when we had the January lockdown he used covid and not wanting to mix households as a reason not to see tjem (he his new gf her daughter , me or my children - none of us are clinically vulnerable in any way) and contact between separated parents was also permitted during the lockdowns. Anyhow....

He didn't see them between new year and the middle of April. Nor did he telephone or facetime them during that time it was basically radio silence

A couple of months ago he decided to allow the new girlfriend to call our 15 year old up one night and spend 20 mins being rude and abusive about me, my parenting and the children. She claims they have been turned against him by me. And all kinds of things. Says the children should have called him and he's entitled to his own life which is why they don't do overnights.

Following this phonecall which my son recorded my son blocked his dad and so did I as he was sending rude messages to me . All of my children said at the moment they didn't want to see him. They were very upset. My youngest was crying at bedtimes to sleep and my 10 year old started bed wetting.

I conveyed this to their dad and said I would see if they wanted to facetime at some stage when they felt happier and see where we went from there. Two weeks later they spoke on the phone.

Then this weekend he turned up and knocked on the door without any warning (his parents can still contact my eldest . He has my email address, he could have written a letter.

Basically he's decided he wants pursue court action against me. He said about mediation first (I have looked into it and am fully aware due to previous DV that mediation isn't suitable. 2 days ago he emailed me stuff from the mediation person he made enquiries with along with details of all the costs a copy of a c100 form and so on

Also now aware due to the DV I may well be eligible for legal aid . I work full time but on a low income topped up with UC .

I was still fair and I replied to the email reminding him I have never said he can't see them simply that they didn't want to at the moment, they were very upset and I wasn't about to hurry and force them to go out with him before they were ready.

I offered him every other Saturday between 8.30 and 6pm

Reminded him he would need to factor in taking our 10 year old to football training

Asked that they were fed both lunch and dinner before being returned as many times he brought them home having not been fed dinner

And I offered every Wednesday evening between 5.30 and 8pm where he could take them for dinner

I have in the past said he can see them at mu house even offering to go out. He refuses . He refuses them overnight. He didn't speak to them in 4 months. I have suggested that contact schedule and hes now refused that and says no I will be seeing you in court

This isn't about the kids at all is it ? This is a man who was violent and controlling. Who turned threatening when I dared to file for divorce trying to get at me and control me again using the kids isn't it. All backed up by his family. His mum his new girlfriend. She knows about the violence and told my child on the phone these things happen in relationships and he wouldn't have hit your mum without a bloody good reason.

Disgusting what he's doing and the way he's allowing this woman to speak about me and my lovely children

He clearly thought he could turn up shout about court and scare me into submission. He also clearly thought £100 off each of us to a mediator would see it all done and dusted .

He also most likely doesn't want to drive up mid week and see them either but he's now in a situation where he's got more access being offered than he wants in a million years. Same as having to take 3 or 4 kids to football training in all weather's probably wanted to pop on by for a few hours once all the grunt work was done and take them to McDonald's to tick the dad box

Looks like he's fucked himself

Why are you surprised that and arsehole is still an arsehole OP?

So what's he shouting about court for? Is he intending to go to court to get court ordered access as and when he feels like it? Does he expect them to take him seriously when his position is that he doesn't actually want to parent his kids, he just wants to look like he's bothering in order to keep his new girlfriend sweet? What a muppet.

I still think he's trying to impress the gf, show off he's a big hard man.

@Morefuelyou

He clearly thought he could turn up shout about court and scare me into submission. He also clearly thought £100 off each of us to a mediator would see it all done and dusted .

He also most likely doesn't want to drive up mid week and see them either but he's now in a situation where he's got more access being offered than he wants in a million years. Same as having to take 3 or 4 kids to football training in all weather's probably wanted to pop on by for a few hours once all the grunt work was done and take them to McDonald's to tick the dad box

Looks like he's fucked himself

bonus 🤣

Just respond ok and leave it at that. All talk I bet you. Less you appear bothered, less likely he is to pursue anything. Plus, by the time he gets a court date (over 12 month waiting list) most of your kids will be able to make their own decision and put their own views to cafcass. Dont sweat it, honestly.

Ugh, men think they’re so original yet the “try to control the kids to attack the ex” method is straight out of the Controlling Arsehole’s Handbook.

I see the girlfriend has also tried playing the “parental alienation” card too.

Highly recommend reading “See What You Made Me Do” by Jess Hill, she talks about controlling men at great length and also debunks the myth that is “parental alienation”. I was horrified to learn that the man who came up with the concept of PA had absolutely no scientific basis for his theories and was basically a peadophile apologist. Some of his quotes were highly disturbing - www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/RAG.html

I have my trusty copy of Lundys Book why does he do that and also women who love too much . Will check the other one out .

I won't be making any contact with him whatsoever. I can promise you that. Not my job to chase him to see his kids . He's said court so if at some stage he comes sniffing round when he realised how long the wait is I will hold him at his word and say sorry court it is as you have requested. Ta ta !!

@Morefuelyou

I have my trusty copy of Lundys Book why does he do that and also women who love too much . Will check the other one out .

I won't be making any contact with him whatsoever. I can promise you that. Not my job to chase him to see his kids . He's said court so if at some stage he comes sniffing round when he realised how long the wait is I will hold him at his word and say sorry court it is as you have requested. Ta ta !!

Ooh I do enjoy seeing strong women grow 🎉

What an absolute bastard. He makes my ex look like father of the year, and that's saying something.

I agree - it's about punishing you. I would call his bluff and let him take you to court. You've made a very reasonable offer which he's rejected out of hand and he hasn't even got the brains to make a counter offer.

The judge will throw it out and your lovely dc will continue to know that you are all the parent they need. Good luck.

Thanks everyone , honestly means alot that you can all see it. Sometimes when you're close to a situation it can be difficult to be objective .

I won't lie my concern is if one of the children (would be one of the younger 3 ) start seeing him again or he keeps coming to my door the others will want to .. that whole FOMO scenario . Hes able to say come on let's go to the park and have a McDonald's and a child whose young can have their head turned .

What does he actually want? You have suggested some access options, he should be coming back and saying "that doesn't suit can I do Sundays and every other Thursday" or something. If he hasn't even specified what he wants, what is the point of court? I think he's being pushed by his girlfriend here. He doesn't sound very bright. If you ignore he might just drop it. It's a shame your children are involved. I wouldn't be telling them anything about this unless there's a definite date for contact agreed.

Not much to add OP but can I just say I read one of your descriptions of him and just laughed and said to myself "What a twat".

He sounds AWFUL and you sound to be doing all the right things. He's trying to control and menace you. Let him take you to court; they'll laugh him out very quickly. It's great your older kids seem to have the measure of him.

I'm sorry you have to deal with him, it's just crap.

His new partner sounds just as bad as he is, and if you have evidence of all the stuff she said (DV just happens, death threats are normal break-up fare, I'd punch him back, I wouldn't see the kids of they were mine) I'd be using that as evidence to not want my kids around such toxic and dangerous behaviour. Likewise the telling your son about your sex work, which is just heinous and spiteful.

Hang in there OP, you're doing nothing wrong and I hope to be honest he just waltzes off into his new life sooner rather than later. This is probably all just so he can say "Well I did all I could!'

Wanker.

@PanicPrevention

I will bet my life savings this prick wont be taking you to court. A man who wont even call or FaceTime his own kids for 4 months?. This is all for the new girlfriends benefit and as you've worked out, to get to you. Wait for a letter from the court. Kids are available for more than reasonable contact. You've done your bit let him do what he wants to next. Im guessing he will make a tit of himself one way or the other. But he wont be paying out in money time and effort to get the contact you're already offering .

Totally agree with all of this.

I strongly suspect that he has feed the new woman a story that paints him in a much better way than the reality and you are the crazy ex. She's probably told him he should do something about it and this is his attempt to look like a half way decent parent. It's all so pathetic.

In the minuscule offchance that he does take it to court I would try to get legal aid.
My daughter got it after she fled a domestic abuse situation, so it is possible.

Hope it goes well for you. Just remember he's pathetic, not powerful.

I don't doubt what you say about parental alienation, CaveMum, but many years ago I got to know a woman in AA who casually told me she'd fabricated allegations of child sexual abuse against her estranged husband because she wanted him out of their lives for good.

I was newly sober at the time and didn't know her last name so I couldn't report her to anyone. Also I very much lacked confidence.

So it does happen, however rarely.