To think this is an exercise in trying to control and punish ME and nothing to do with the children

[Morefuelyou]

Long story short I have four DC . 15, 10, 8 and 7 with my exH. We split over 3 years ago. He has convictions and cautions for domestic violence against me and after we split was subject to a 12 month non mol.

He pays maintenance each week without fail. Since the day we split he has never had the children overnight. On a few occasions he's bee asked . Once when I was in hospital and another time when I had no gas or electricity in the house for a 24 hour period. Both times he refused and questioned why an elderly relative of mine who lives an hours drive from me couldn't look after them instead .

I have never stopped him seeing the children. In lockdown he met someone online and moved in with her and her child 7 months into the relationship. She has never met me and has only met my children twice both times on a day out. None of us know his address. I should also add when he moved in with her he moved 100 miles away from them.

This year when we had the January lockdown he used covid and not wanting to mix households as a reason not to see tjem (he his new gf her daughter , me or my children - none of us are clinically vulnerable in any way) and contact between separated parents was also permitted during the lockdowns. Anyhow....

He didn't see them between new year and the middle of April. Nor did he telephone or facetime them during that time it was basically radio silence

A couple of months ago he decided to allow the new girlfriend to call our 15 year old up one night and spend 20 mins being rude and abusive about me, my parenting and the children. She claims they have been turned against him by me. And all kinds of things. Says the children should have called him and he's entitled to his own life which is why they don't do overnights.

Following this phonecall which my son recorded my son blocked his dad and so did I as he was sending rude messages to me . All of my children said at the moment they didn't want to see him. They were very upset. My youngest was crying at bedtimes to sleep and my 10 year old started bed wetting.

I conveyed this to their dad and said I would see if they wanted to facetime at some stage when they felt happier and see where we went from there. Two weeks later they spoke on the phone.

Then this weekend he turned up and knocked on the door without any warning (his parents can still contact my eldest . He has my email address, he could have written a letter.

Basically he's decided he wants pursue court action against me. He said about mediation first (I have looked into it and am fully aware due to previous DV that mediation isn't suitable. 2 days ago he emailed me stuff from the mediation person he made enquiries with along with details of all the costs a copy of a c100 form and so on

Also now aware due to the DV I may well be eligible for legal aid . I work full time but on a low income topped up with UC .

I was still fair and I replied to the email reminding him I have never said he can't see them simply that they didn't want to at the moment, they were very upset and I wasn't about to hurry and force them to go out with him before they were ready.

I offered him every other Saturday between 8.30 and 6pm

Reminded him he would need to factor in taking our 10 year old to football training

Asked that they were fed both lunch and dinner before being returned as many times he brought them home having not been fed dinner

And I offered every Wednesday evening between 5.30 and 8pm where he could take them for dinner

I have in the past said he can see them at mu house even offering to go out. He refuses . He refuses them overnight. He didn't speak to them in 4 months. I have suggested that contact schedule and hes now refused that and says no I will be seeing you in court

This isn't about the kids at all is it ? This is a man who was violent and controlling. Who turned threatening when I dared to file for divorce trying to get at me and control me again using the kids isn't it. All backed up by his family. His mum his new girlfriend. She knows about the violence and told my child on the phone these things happen in relationships and he wouldn't have hit your mum without a bloody good reason.

Disgusting what he's doing and the way he's allowing this woman to speak about me and my lovely children

He doesn't stand a chance. Stupid prick! I know a couple like this and am so sickened that they exist. What the fuck happens to turn them into these vile excuse for humans. Hope you get sorted. You're doing a great job by the sounds of it

Court will take way over a year. Let him take you.

Tell him you will see him in court. I would bet money on it that he doesn't go through with it. He sounds like a waste of space

I would block him on your phone and the kids phones and request all communication is done via email. Also make it explicit clear (on email) that firstly you don’t have an address for hun yet he is able to turn up unannounced to your home and that is to stop. EVERYTHING he is doing is about control, you are no longer with him and don’t have to put up with his shit. All emails are dates and will provide evidence of communication. Please don’t bow down to him and let him get away with this behaviour and protect your kids. Best of luck xx

@CityMumma78

Hes blocked on mine and my sons phone
I have said email contact only and stated its synced to my phone so I receive all emails

I also stipulated various terms including the need for him to provide an address where he is living

I will edit any identifying details out and copy the email here

With all of those factors in mind I am astonished at your urgency to bring court action . Again I remind you that you didn't speak to them once in the first four months of this year !!

Secondly if you have read the attached guidance from the mediator you will see that mediation is not an option in cases where there's been documented domestic abuse.

To recap:

1 conviction for common assault and battery
1 caution for common assault
1 caution for malicious communications
1 Non molestation order which was breached by yourself on two occasions

With all of those factors in mind I propose the following .

1. Contact every other Saturday between 08.30 and 18.00 (9th October, 23rd October )

And

One evening a week on a Wednesday between 18.00-20.30 (6th October, 13 October, 20 October, 27 October)

1. X trains for football on a Saturday morning and his matches are played on Sundays . Therefore you will need to factor in taking him to training with the other children between 09.00 and 10.30 on contact days. Training is held in Y PLACE and there is ample free parking onsite

1. Due to several instances where they were brought home having not been provided with an evening meal they should each be provided with BOTH lunch AND dinner prior to being dropped back to me

1. None of them will be allowed any form of energy drink or drink containing caffeine as its caused episodes of ill health previously . Eg monster, boost, red bull and such like

1. Due to the tone and nature of the messages received from you previously all contact from now on will be between ourselves via email at xxxxxx

All messages are synced to my mobile so I have easy access to them

1. At the time of writing eldest child does NOT wish to have any contact with you either in person or via telephone text message , wattsapp social media etc and this includes contact visits . He does however wish to maintain contact with other members of your family provided you are not in attendance at any point. This will be arranged directly with your mother subject to her availability

1. The other children will be asked and have the option to chose whether they go out with you on a meet by meet basis according to their wishes

1. Following the two occasions (new girlfriends name) met them without them being asked if they were happy with it or told she would be present and then later the phone call from her during which the children became very distressed both they and I request she has no contact with them with immediate effect either in person or via telephone text message , wattsapp etc .

1. Your address details will be provided

10. You will not come to my home address at any time other than for picking up or returning of the children unless agreed in advance via email

I am confident you will find this more than agreeable and I await your response.

Op given he's been so abusive to you in the past I'd let him fight for access.

I actually question are the kids actually safe with him. Reality is he's putting on a show for the gf and trying to make you out to be the bad one.

Great email and well done for documenting everything x

Imo it is quite common for exes to start stirring when they get a new gf.. She will be hearing his side only. Amazing you have kept such diligent records of his behaviour.. It will serve your case very well in the unlikely event you get to court...
A judge would likely see absolutely no wrong doing on your side.. I would love to be a fly on the court wall hearing his logic behind not seeing /speaking to or wanting dc overnight....
Keep him blocked in all ways op. Personally I wouldn't give him or his threats a second thought...

You're doing the right things. Sit tight and wait for him to go to court. Don't rise to any provocation - he will try so he can get something from you in writing that makes you sound unreasonable. Blandness is your friend.

I can't see any judge being impressed by him. You're actually in a very strong position - you just have to protect your own wellbeing so you don't feel ground down by it.

I think you should stop chasing him and contacting him now. By chasing him, there will be a part of him that just wants to piss you off and keep you hanging and under his control so he'll do the opposite just to spite you without realising that the kids are the ones that will be hurt.

Send one final short message telling him that he can contact you if he wants to see the kids then wait to see if he starts the legal process.

FWIW the 15 year old will be deemed old enough to decide whether or not to see Dad.

I think the fact that you've had no response means he was just posturing (for the new girlfriend, I agree with others) and now he's seen it all in black and white he's realised he's on a hiding to nothing and a solicitor would probably tell him he's no chance in court.
I think and hope he'll drop it.
Well done with your email, OP.

Great email op.

I would seriously consider reporting his abuse to the police, applying for a restraining order and asking the police if they can notify girlfriend of Claires Law.

Fantastic email OP.

My dc were 7 and 10 when due to what they witnessed from exh didn't have to see him..
They wrote letters as such. Judge wasn't happy about that as apparently exh's feelings were hurt... Wtaf?? Not as hurt as my dc were having their toys and home repeatedly smashed up..
You have gone well over and above what I would have offered such a twat.

I suspect that once it comes time for him to start paying lawyers, he'll balk. It's about control and getting any reaction out of you, good or bad. This may not fit exactly, but have a look at NPD and the behaviours associated with this personality disorder; bet you'll have one or two aha moments if you do.

Your response is pitch-perfect; stick to the facts, don't display any emotion, aka "grey rock"; when corresponding with him, I also recommend replying with these other audiences in mind: your kids, should they ever happen to read your exchanges in the future, and the State. Keeping these others present in mind can help one to avoid taking whatever bait he's attempting to hook you with, which is his end goal IMO. He may not know this himself, consciously anyway, but if you left the relationship, I suspect that wound hasn't healed for him, and he needs to shift that pain onto you.

I completely agree with @FF2012 I very much doubt he will take this to court. Definitely posturing to make himself look good to the girlfriend.

I'd bet my last pound he won't take this to court. If he can't be arsed to even pick up a phone to his children for four months I highly doubt he will bother with spending the money involved in court proceedings. He's a useless twat sadly for the children. No further responses to his threats of court.

Great email. You have called his bluff.

You are rocking this. They will be LIVID at that email.

If they wish to take you to court than so be it.

@RandomMess

You are rocking this. They will be LIVID at that email.

If they wish to take you to court than so be it.

He will be livid he cannot exactly show his GF that he has convictions for assault and other cautions etc.

Nor is he going to confess to being offered access. Because then he cannot make op out to be the bad one.

Knee capped at the starting line 😂

Superb email OP 🎉

His gf is aware of his violence convictions. She said these things happen. Says she's a little bit older a little bit wiser and she has a great big brother and a great big dad. She can fight her own battles and if he hit her she's hit back twice as hard. She's an incredibly smug pompous individual.

She is also aware of his threats to kill me and said these things happen when ppl split up and she's said things like that herself. Bizarre . That they aren't splitting up. That he's a bloody amazing dad and if they were her kids she wouldn't bother to see them and wouldn't pay a penny towards them.

She's under no illusion about him and if anything she sounds more vile and nasty than him .

@Morefuelyou

His gf is aware of his violence convictions. She said these things happen. Says she's a little bit older a little bit wiser and she has a great big brother and a great big dad. She can fight her own battles and if he hit her she's hit back twice as hard. She's an incredibly smug pompous individual.

She is also aware of his threats to kill me and said these things happen when ppl split up and she's said things like that herself. Bizarre . That they aren't splitting up. That he's a bloody amazing dad and if they were her kids she wouldn't bother to see them and wouldn't pay a penny towards them.

She's under no illusion about him and if anything she sounds more vile and nasty than him .

well isn't she a deluded victim blaming Mug 🤣