To be fed up of not being able to make any sort of mess?

[Veggieseverywhere]

We both work full time with young kids so DP decided on a cleaner. Fine, except he is now obsessed with the fact no one can make a mess so that the cleaner can clean.

I am getting a bit sick of bowls and plates being whisked off me two seconds after I’ve finished eating, kids toys being doomed to obscurity seconds after they’ve finished playing and even ordinary household items being constantly put away.

It’s really stressing me out. AIBU?

@Veggieseverywhere

It is exhausting. Tbh DH is pretty messy on a day to day basis too so it is a bit irritating I’m being painted as the messy one. Things like I took my work lanyard off when I came in and he came into the toilet when I was on it ‘I thought you’d want to put this away’.

I’m not suggesting we turn the house into a hovel but it is a home and peoples stuff is here.

I hope you said 'what.... now? In the toilet? It doesn't live in there!'

The OP didn't say the books were strewn all over the place. And even if they were doesn't warrant them being put in the car! I get the impression that the OP's DH doesn't like things out, even if in a tidy pile or hung up

If it's a new thing he'll calm down a bit soon. We normally do a tidy the morning ours comes but it would be nice to not have to do so much that morning!

You are very clearly being deliberately obtuse and goady, so this is my last reply to you.

I’m being neither obtuse nor goady. I just couldn’t get het up about things like this. But if it makes you happy, who am I to argue? Just think - on your deathbed, you’ll be able to say ‘The lanyard was always on the hook’.

So many identical mouths and bumholes on this thread.

@WomanStanleyWoman

You are very clearly being deliberately obtuse and goady, so this is my last reply to you.

I’m being neither obtuse nor goady. I just couldn’t get het up about things like this. But if it makes you happy, who am I to argue? Just think - on your deathbed, you’ll be able to say ‘The lanyard was always on the hook’.

😂

I think he’s sounds a little ott. However I can see where he’s coming from in some ways as a lanyards left out, books out, etc aren’t a problem in themselves but combined leave it cluttered.

With a baby no doubt on the move soon, maybe compromise with suitable areas to leave certain things ie where you can leave half marked school work. As just on a coffee table would be scattered everywhere if my 1 year got hold of them, and a lanyard he would probably hide in the bin or at the bottom of duplo box.

@WomanStanleyWoman

You are very clearly being deliberately obtuse and goady, so this is my last reply to you.

I’m being neither obtuse nor goady. I just couldn’t get het up about things like this. But if it makes you happy, who am I to argue? Just think - on your deathbed, you’ll be able to say ‘The lanyard was always on the hook’.

I know I said I wasn't going to reply, but I have to, because you are catastrophically missing the point (deliberately?)

I will not be thinking of lanyards on my deathbed, because lanyards (and other things) are always where they are meant to be, because we always put them away, so they occupy absolutely zero headspace. Don't ever need to give it a seconds thought, because I always know where they are.

However, people who don't put things away, may well be thinking on their deathbeds about all the extra time of enjoyable life they would have been able to have, if they'd not used it running around like headless chickens searching for things that they put somewhere. And tidying up messes that have been made by not putting things away when they use them, and fixing or replacing things that have got damaged because they've been left out. Likely to be months, if not years over a lifetime. Just think of all the fun, worthwhile things they could have done with that time, if they'd just put things away as they'd gone along...

So was THAT your last reply? Or are there more to come?

I think he’s sounds a little ott. However I can see where he’s coming from in some ways as a lanyards left out, books out, etc aren’t a problem in themselves but combined leave it cluttered.

But why is it the end of the world for a room to be a bit cluttered for a bit? It's not like the OP has left things out for days at a time or spread her work out across the entire house.

Homes are to be lived in - not every surface has to be clear 24/7 - and if you can't put your work lanyard down on the nearest surface while you run to the loo for a post-work wee or take a break from your work for an hour without have to completely put away what you are working on at home, then where can you?

I am doing some online courses for work once a week, we start at 9am, have lunch 12-2 and then back to the zoom meeting till 5pm. My desk is in the living room and I usually have it 100% cleared off but during my course I have my ring light (lighting in my flat sucks so I need it to not be in darkness), tablet and tablet stand, course pack, reference books, notebook, phone, pens/highlighters, sticky notes and my insulated coffee mug on the desk.

When we break for lunch I could put everything away but why would I waste time tidying up stuff I will have to get out (and put back in the exact same place) in an hour or so? If I needed to clear the space (eg if I was working from the dining table and needed needed space to be able to eat lunch) then it would make sense to tidy it all up, but since I don't need my desk space between 12-2pm I leave it in situ. At 5pm (unless I have stuff to sit and review after the class), everything gets tidied away and returned to its permanent home because that's when I am finished with it.

I have also had friends round during my lunch break without feeling the need to clear my desk - everyone knows it is my course day and therefore it is "normal clutter" for my desk to look like its in use... if it was piled high with papers on Friday then it would be "unreasonable clutter" by that point.

I don't know why you're getting such crap, mrsm43s
Your posts make perfect sense to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

@mrsm43s, to be honest I think you’re extrapolating a fair amount from a lanyard left on a table to everyone running around unable to find anything!

Although actually it’s something that is driving me bananas as I can’t find anything. It’s all very well things having a place but if they are in near constant use then that largely adds to your work.

sounds like my mum, OP. she comes to stay for a few days at a time every month. we end up going through so many more plates/glasses/cups because every time she sees one anywhere she picks it up and washes it. doesn't matter if there's something in it or not. Every time I ask her through gritted teeth where they've gone, she says "oh, I thought you'd finished with it".
She starts emptying and restacking the dishwasher while the kids are still at the breakfast table and we are all trying to get out of the door for school/work. She is there the rest of the day and could leave it until 8.35 when the rest of us have left but no, it must be done then, despite the fact its hugely inconvenient and gets in the way

the worst time was when DH was best man at his best friends wedding. we lived in a small flat opposite the church and the groom had stayed with us the night before. DH, groom and me were all trying to get ready, I was trying to get DD ready who was a baby at the time. It was all a bit chaotic. Mum decided that she absolutely had to tidy our lounge and start hoovering at that precise moment, and she got a major grump on her when I said to stop.

[quote Veggieseverywhere]@mrsm43s, to be honest I think you’re extrapolating a fair amount from a lanyard left on a table to everyone running around unable to find anything!

Although actually it’s something that is driving me bananas as I can’t find anything. It’s all very well things having a place but if they are in near constant use then that largely adds to your work.[/quote]
Sorry, I think I made it clear in my original reply to you that I think your DH is going OTT (and stuff like coming into the loo is just rude and ridiculous). I've just got sidelined by a goady poster.

But in general, putting things away as you go along works. It makes life easier for everyone, and saves time in the long run. Obviously don't put away things when they are actually in use. But putting them away once done, rather than waiting til later is a really good habit to get into, and you literally never need to lose time to tidy up :)

@WomanStanleyWoman wasn’t being goady. I agreed re the lanyard anyway.

I really hate sounding like a dick but can you not hear how condescending you sound?

I’m had a friend like this. Her husband made a drink and then left to go to the bathroom. She quickly poured it down the sink washed and dried the cup and put it away. He had barely sipped it

Obviously don't put away things when they are actually in use. But putting them away once done, rather than waiting til later is a really good habit to get into, and you literally never need to lose time to tidy up smile

But the whole point of this thread is that the OPs DH isn't waiting until she is done. He is putting things away while she is still using them, or mere seconds after she has finished.

Waiting 30 seconds for someone to swallow the last mouthful of tea before you whisk the cup out of their hands to wash it up is not a good habit, it's basic courtesy.

@Veggieseverywhere

I really hate sounding like a dick but can you not hear how condescending you sound?

Wow, that's very unkind, and yes, you do sound like a dick.

If you think saying you sound condescending is ‘very unkind’ then you don’t want to hear how I’ve solved the lanyard problem!

@Veggieseverywhere

If you think saying you sound condescending is ‘very unkind’ then you don’t want to hear how I’ve solved the lanyard problem!

well, that actually amused me, and cheered me up a bit.

But yes, you were very unkind. Read my posts again.
Firstly, I was actually agreeing with you that your DH was going OTT. I've agreed with you about him not going into the bathroom, and about him not tidying up things that are still in use. Secondly, I opened up, told you about my anxiety and how clutter affects me and how it makes me feel to give another perspective for you, to be helpful. I've been nothing but supportive and polite to you.

I think you need to think a bit harder about the real person that you're insulting. There was no reason for you to be unkind to me, none at all.

This is a bit daft, @mrsm43s

I wasn’t unkind at all and incidentally nor was @WomanStanleyWoman being ‘goady.’

in general, putting things away as you go along works. It makes life easier for everyone, and saves time in the long run. Obviously don't put away things when they are actually in use. But putting them away once done, rather than waiting til later is a really good habit to get into, and you literally never need to lose time to tidy up

Can you honestly not see how patronising that is? You sounded as if you were explaining to a seven year old how to tidy up.

My OH was like this - I once got all the ingredients and bowls etc out to make a cake and put them on the work surface. I then went for a pee and returned to find them all tidied up.

I used to say to the children "For goodness sake don't sit still or your Dad will put you in a drawer!"

Is your OH only doing this the day before the cleaner is due or is it continuous?

I used to go with the flow - OH's filth threshold was much higher than mine and he used to have cleaned/tidied up long before I would even have noticed it needed doing. I used to lie back and let it happen!

Ok, I've told you I'm upset, and you...decide to twist the knife.
Nice.

I'm leaving this thread now.

You have upset me, when it was very clear that I was just trying to be helpful.

Hope you feel good about yourself.