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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not contribute anymore?

55 replies

Ludic · 27/09/2021 12:40

Quick overview of the finances so the post makes sense...

Me and DH both work, we put enough in a joint account to split bills and into a joint savings account and then the rest we keep for ourselves. We both get roughly the same amount each month.

We have one DC together and he has older DC from a previous relationship who live with his 50% of the time.

It tends to work out that I end up paying for a lot of things for our joint DC myself. I genuinely don't really mind this. I'm much more prone to "treats" than DH is. We both pay toward necessities i.e. nursery, food, clothes but I also tend to spend a lot more of my money on just things for DS, days out, treats, nice clothes that he doesn't necessarily need but I want to get iyswim.

Anyway, the subject of Christmas has recently come up. DS is now at an age where he is excited for this and is able to understand a bit better what it is. In years previously I have always just paid half of whatever we got DSC however this year I've said I won't be able to do that and DH will have to save and cover more of that as I'll be buying a lot of DS's presents.

DSC are older and their presents are always eye watering expensive, like computers, game consoles etc.. that sort of thing. I don't want to be limited in what I can spend on DS because I'm having to pay half of extortionate presents for two DSC as well.

I have told DH I'm happy to put to a small amount and pick up some "bits" if I'm out shopping but I'm not going to fork out hundreds from now on for DSC so he'll need to factor that into his saving.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable and we should just split whatever we spend on all 3 DC 50:50.

The problem with that is I just know I'll end up buying most of DS's presents as I do with most other things.

AIBU to put to a smaller amount from now on?

OP posts:
Qwertyyui · 27/09/2021 12:44

I always pay for my DC presents and buy token ones for DSC and my DH does the same for his DC. We don't have a joint DC but if we did I would expect us to go 50/50 on joint and pay for our own DC alone. The DSC have other parents who buy presents so this way it is equitable rather than equal.

NorthernSpirit · 27/09/2021 12:53

You shouldn’t have to pay for your SC presents - they have 2 parents to buy them gifts.

I used to buy my SC gifts or contribute but after that couldn’t muster up a thank you I stopped.

QueenoftheKarens · 27/09/2021 12:57

shouldn't the step children's parents be buying the presents? HmmConfused why would you contribute when they have two parents? YANBU.

Eralos · 27/09/2021 13:05

You’re married…it’s joint money? I can never understand this mentality of I put in this you put in that. Pool it all.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2021 13:05

No you shouldn't

Big expensive presents should be split between him and his Ex wife

Otherwise the 2 older children end up with 3 adults spending on them and the younger child ends up with 2 adults spending on them

EL8888 · 27/09/2021 13:06

YANBU why do you have to subsidise the presents for your step child. They already have 2 parents?!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2021 13:08

Youngest ends up with one adult spending on them, it seems like!

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 13:09

Take the gifts for children out of your joint money?
I don't understand why this is an issue.
Stop spending 'your' money on DC if you don't want to.

I spend a lot of 'my' money on treats for my children but I enjoy doing it.

You married a man with children. You chose to do that. You can't dismiss them from your family now. They're part of your family.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2021 13:10

No that’s not right. Their mum and dad need to buy them presents within their own budget, not have you cover it. That’s all kinds of wrong.

Bobsyer · 27/09/2021 13:13

@LaurieFairyCake

No you shouldn't

Big expensive presents should be split between him and his Ex wife

Otherwise the 2 older children end up with 3 adults spending on them and the younger child ends up with 2 adults spending on them

Except she’s covering most of the cost for their child so she’s subsidising everyone!

YANBU OP. He pays for his kids. You pay for your kids. You just happen to share a kid so both of you should be sharing that cost.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 27/09/2021 13:19

Odd that your husband who has three children expects to have the same amount of leftover money to spend on himself as you, who has one child. More children = less money. Of course YANBU and he is a cheeky chancer. I’d be so turned off by a bloke who expected me to fund his children’s Christmas presents. A combination of tightness and cheekiness which wouldn’t do much for my feelings for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 13:22

Of course he thinks that. He wins that way and you and DS lose.

Hold firm. He’s got plenty of time to save up from his personal spending money. If he chooses not to that’s his choice. It’s not one for you to subsidise.

FinallyHere · 27/09/2021 13:23

It can't be fair that you end up paying for a lot of things for your joint DC yourself and he wants you to also contribute the presents for his DC.

Share halves on all of your joint DCs costs through the year, and on presents for the DSC. Once he has paid you what he owes for Your joint child this year, let him keep some towards his DC's presents.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 13:24

You married a man with children. You chose to do that. You can't dismiss them from your family now

Fucking hilarious. The DSC spend half their lives in her home, no one is being dismissed by anyone else.

No criticism for the man wanting to skimp on his kid’s gifts so he can spend more on himself?

You’re ridiculous.

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2021 13:26

No he spends from his money on his children and you spend form the joint money on your joint child.

Otherwise why are three adults spending on two children and one parent buys gifts for one child. That's unfair.

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2021 13:27

He should spend the same on each child.

tootiredtospeak · 27/09/2021 13:28

I live with my DP my own DS and our DS and DD. I dont know if the difference is the fact that this is 100% his home but we have always just budgeted for Xmas out of our combined income and all 3 kids get the same it used to be a hundred each now it's more like £150. This tends to mean my eldest DS gets less as his stuff is more expensive. If I am honest I would have been annoyed this had been suggested as we had a joint income for everything else why this would have been different.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 13:29

@AnneLovesGilbert I think you're ridiculous.

She's choosing to buy extra treats for her child out of her money. He's saying all gifts should come out of shared money. She's begrudging buying gifts out of her money and out of shared money.

If my SM had refused to buy mine and my siblings presents out of family money when we were children, we'd have had no presents. It's sad that people are willing to marry people with children but then are not willing to treat them as they're own.

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2021 13:30

And seriously shove off with your 'you chose to marry a man with children' yeah she married the man, she didn't sign up to hand over her income hand over fist to his children. The children have two parents who can spend as much or as little on their children as they so wish. The father has an obligation to spend equitably on all of his children.

OP has no obligations to spend her money on expensive presents on her SDC at the expense of her own child.

Shelby2010 · 27/09/2021 13:31

How do you decide if DC clothes, for example, should come out of joint or personal money?

Does DH put more money into the joint account to cover SDC essential clothes etc Does he buy them additional things out of his own pocket?

I guess to start with you need to decide how much you are spending on Christmas presents. All 3 kids get an equal amount. If your DS is too small to need that in presents then you keep some of the money back to spend on days out etc through the year.

Technically DH should pay for both his children & half of your joint child. However he’s looking at it that you’re one family so should be 50:50 for all DC. The compromise is that he pays for his DC & you for DS ie what you have suggested anyway!

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2021 13:32

[quote girlmom21]@AnneLovesGilbert I think you're ridiculous.

She's choosing to buy extra treats for her child out of her money. He's saying all gifts should come out of shared money. She's begrudging buying gifts out of her money and out of shared money.

If my SM had refused to buy mine and my siblings presents out of family money when we were children, we'd have had no presents. It's sad that people are willing to marry people with children but then are not willing to treat them as they're own. [/quote]
OP is saying the SDC's gifts are eye watering and that means her DC needs his gifts subsidised out of her own money or he ends up with less.

Why would any parent happily spend £££ on someone else's children when her own would then have to go without?

OakPine · 27/09/2021 13:32

There are two separate issues here.

  1. Your husband is not paying a fair share of costs for your child. Easy solution is that you each increase the amount you put into the joint pot and you spend for your child out of that.
  2. Do you consider your stepchildren to be part of your family or only his children? If they are "his" only then he pays, otherwise you pay out of the joint pot. If the former and he pays then I'd be very careful that it doesn't look like favouritism to your child that his/her step siblings get very expensive presents from their father.
Akire · 27/09/2021 13:36

He and his ex both buy their children gifts as they should. He should also be paying 50/50 with you for your child. He does have 3 children he should be using some his “spare” cash for that. He feels obliged buy step children gifts when it comes to joint child with you he’s happy you foot bill 100%?

Original poster
Ludic · 27/09/2021 13:54

@girlmom21

Take the gifts for children out of your joint money? I don't understand why this is an issue. Stop spending 'your' money on DC if you don't want to.

I spend a lot of 'my' money on treats for my children but I enjoy doing it.

You married a man with children. You chose to do that. You can't dismiss them from your family now. They're part of your family.

I've never said I don't want to spend "my" money on my child. In fact I specifically said in the OP that I don't mind because I like treating him out of it!

I know legally speaking it's all joint money as we are married but we have always kept some money separate for our own spending and we both prefer it that way. I've been in a situation before when I've felt the need to justify everything I bought because things were pooled, I've no interest in getting into that again. Everything that needs paying for is in the joint account, then we have our own "spending money" which we can do with what we like. I much prefer it this way.

OP posts:
Gladioli23 · 27/09/2021 13:58

Can't you have a Christmas "pot" which covers presents, food, drink etc? Even if it's just a joint savings account and then you transfer money to repay your non-joint current accounts? Then you don't have to subsidise everything and the saving can happen jointly? Might not work for this year, but next year if you both put in £20 / whatever amount a month or whatever it would probably cover it?