To not contribute anymore?

[Ludic]

Quick overview of the finances so the post makes sense...

Me and DH both work, we put enough in a joint account to split bills and into a joint savings account and then the rest we keep for ourselves. We both get roughly the same amount each month.

We have one DC together and he has older DC from a previous relationship who live with his 50% of the time.

It tends to work out that I end up paying for a lot of things for our joint DC myself. I genuinely don't really mind this. I'm much more prone to "treats" than DH is. We both pay toward necessities i.e. nursery, food, clothes but I also tend to spend a lot more of my money on just things for DS, days out, treats, nice clothes that he doesn't necessarily need but I want to get iyswim.

Anyway, the subject of Christmas has recently come up. DS is now at an age where he is excited for this and is able to understand a bit better what it is. In years previously I have always just paid half of whatever we got DSC however this year I've said I won't be able to do that and DH will have to save and cover more of that as I'll be buying a lot of DS's presents.

DSC are older and their presents are always eye watering expensive, like computers, game consoles etc.. that sort of thing. I don't want to be limited in what I can spend on DS because I'm having to pay half of extortionate presents for two DSC as well.

I have told DH I'm happy to put to a small amount and pick up some "bits" if I'm out shopping but I'm not going to fork out hundreds from now on for DSC so he'll need to factor that into his saving.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable and we should just split whatever we spend on all 3 DC 50:50.

The problem with that is I just know I'll end up buying most of DS's presents as I do with most other things.

AIBU to put to a smaller amount from now on?

@AnneLovesGilbert

You married a man with children. You chose to do that. You can't dismiss them from your family now

Fucking hilarious. The DSC spend half their lives in her home, no one is being dismissed by anyone else.

No criticism for the man wanting to skimp on his kid’s gifts so he can spend more on himself?

You’re ridiculous.

Thank god someone said this out loud 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@Shelby2010

How do you decide if DC clothes, for example, should come out of joint or personal money?

Does DH put more money into the joint account to cover SDC essential clothes etc Does he buy them additional things out of his own pocket?

I guess to start with you need to decide how much you are spending on Christmas presents. All 3 kids get an equal amount. If your DS is too small to need that in presents then you keep some of the money back to spend on days out etc through the year.

Technically DH should pay for both his children & half of your joint child. However he’s looking at it that you’re one family so should be 50:50 for all DC. The compromise is that he pays for his DC & you for DS ie what you have suggested anyway!

So things like nursery costs come out of joint money anyway as a direct debit each month.

Clothes, say if DS is running out of a certain item i.e. pants I'll say DH DS needs some new pants and I'll go and buy whatever he needs and DH will send me half.

DSCs clothes come out of his spare money but all food and household bills come out of the joint, he doesn't pay more for the food or bills because of DSC or anything but anything extra they need he pays for out of his "spare".

To answer another question, DH and his ex don't get on well enough to split presents. They never have done that, they just get completely separate presents at both houses. They have ended up before getting two massively expensive gifts from both parents I.e a computer at both houses or similar.

We have NEVER paid for gifts out of the joint account. I have always just sent DH half of whatever their presents cost, it wasn't an officially agreed thing between us, I just did it. That was before DS needed presents buying too though!

Ahhh this is mental.

So right SC have two parents. If either one of them is lacking as a SM you try to blur the gaps, but you cannot fill them completely. Your DH is asking you to fill in his share at the expense of your youngest.

Im sorry to any SC who's mum and dad don't step up to the mark but that doesn't mean you come along and dump on the second husband/wife all your expectations/guilt/issues of what your parents should be doing and then bashing them for not immediately going yes yes I will do it like with no thought about anything else whom they maybe responsible for and I'm not just referencing children here . Put the blame where it belongs - the parent that's failing and move on. I say this as a SC.

Blended or not this would look like favouritism in any family and children will twig it.

You need to up what DH puts into the pot for incidentals for LO, and then maybe he can talk about fairness. I would actually say this month I spent x and show him the amounts. Don't get into justifying it, just say the amount I paid was x, and you paired y, but you want to talk about fairness with SC ?

Some people need to see it in black and white.

I don't begrudge spending more than DH does on DS. Most of what I spend extra on him is more for fun things rather than necessities so it's my choice and I'm happy to do that.

Like I'll book tickets for pumpkin picking in a few weeks or a petting farm, I might pick him up a treat in a shop if I think he'll like it, or an outfit he doesn't really need but looks sweet. These are things DH never really thinks to do and I don't ask him for half of everything like that because it's my choice and I enjoy spending money on my child.

OP is already spending a lot of money on her step kids. She’s funding roughly a quarter of their living costs as they’re eating and sleeping in her home half the week.

Some of you won’t be happy until the step kids are eating good dusted caviar while the step mum and her kids are wearing sack cloth and eating gruel.

But then it's like I don't want to get lumped with having to find £400 to go halves on DSCs presents when I could have that money to buy presents for DS.

DH will pay toward DS's presents but I've no doubt I'll end up buying extra for him just because I want to get him things I see. Which I'll have to stop if I have to put a load of money aside for DSC too.

I wouldn't be paying a penny towards his ridiculously overpriced Christmas gifts for his older kids. Let him save up his spare money to fund his kids, and that means paying half of what your joint dc gets. You fund them enough already by paying towards food, bills etc.

To make this easier just say actually I can contribute to £x amount of money for SC this year for Christmas . Don't be told how much you have to fork out, if he wants to buy £500 worth of presents he can crack on, like you do with LO.

Can you imagine someone going ok well actually granny dear £100 isn't enough ?
Imagine if you didn't have the money to give ?

You are under no moral or anything else to have to make up the rest of the money. Your also a adult so your on equal standing to him.

So SDC get £800 spent on them and your husband spends nothing on his child with you?

I’d also ask him for halves for anything to do with your joint child. Petting zoos/pumpkin picking/days out/buying small bits when you see them is all part of normal expenditure on SC.

DC that should say not just SC

So SDC get £800 spent on them and your husband spends nothing on his child with you?

Not quite. He doesn't spend nothing on DS. If we said, we'll get DS X for Christmas, he'd pay for half of it. But I'm likely to then go out and buy the extras and other bits.

I don't even care if DS doesn't get the same amount spent on him. It would be ridiculous to spend £400 on just toys as DS isn't old enough for smaller but more expensive things like DSC. I just don't want to have to limit what I spend on DS at all because I've got to factor in some ridiculous amount for half of DSCs presents.

I am usually one of those people who feel step children need to be treated the same as biological children but he is being unreasonable expecting you to go 50/50 when he should be doing this with his ex!

YANBU. The responsibility for presents for the SC is your husbands. Not yours. By all means 8 would buy a small gift, but the big ones on him

And then he shares half on your joint child

@Chloemol

YANBU. The responsibility for presents for the SC is your husbands. Not yours. By all means 8 would buy a small gift, but the big ones on him

And then he shares half on your joint child

Yes I'd do this, don't mind contributing a smaller amount and getting some small bits if and when I see things. I often do this as well even now, pay half and then end up seeing something they'd like when out and getting it too.

The big mistake is you seeing extras as your cost to bear, even if it is YOUR choice to buy them.

Frankly, if he is going to contribute to DS gifts, it should be 100% equal. So if you land up buying him one major gift that costs £100 and then a whole lot of small stocking gifts and two smaller gifts so that the overall total comes to £180, Dh should be paying £90 not just the £50 for his main gift.

You should also be agreeing in advance budgets for all DC gifts and how you are going to pay for them. Eg a pooled fund for christmas gifts to which DH contributes x% and you contribute y%.

Unless the ex wife is buying gifts for your DC then I certainly would not be paying half of the children's gifts especially seen as you pay for lost of your own kids anyway

I agree entirely with @TiredButDancing

I am 100% of the opinion that you should not enter into a serious relationship with someone unless you are willing to treat their children as your own and insist that your family does, as well (so grandparent. But the prevailing line on MN seems to be that step-parents should maintain a cordial distance and that step-children should just be resigned to the fact that some children get PS5s for Christmas while other children get an orange and a new pair of socks even though they share homes and parents.

I would insist that the adults in the family organise amongst themselves to ensure that all children are treated equally. I can't imagine the kind of selfishness involved in any other outcome. I think this weird attitude towards mixed families might be one of the many weird cultural things about the UK that I just can't understand no matter how long I've lived here- like not rinsing the dishes after washing up, or inviting people to a two-tiered wedding AND making them pay for drink (and even, sometimes, food - a colleague had a taco truck that her guests had to pay for if they wanted to eat!), or inviting people for a meal and not fighting over who gets to pay for the whole check as if it were a matter of deep and abiding familial honour 😹

should just be resigned to the fact that some children get PS5s for Christmas while other children get an orange and a new pair of socks even though they share homes and parents.

No one is getting a new pair of socks whilst the other gets a PS5. That's absolutely nothing like this scenario. It sounds like you just came on to have a rant about blended families. What's your actual suggestion?

My actual suggestion is to be the bigger person and do what needs to be done to ensure all the children are treated equally. If the other adults don't play along then you better start saving, or start cutting back on what your biological child will receive - whatever needs to be done.

@Wroxie

My actual suggestion is to be the bigger person and do what needs to be done to ensure all the children are treated equally. If the other adults don't play along then you better start saving, or start cutting back on what your biological child will receive - whatever needs to be done.

cutting back on the biological child who already receives a lot less?

YANBU. You and DH can pay for your kids' presents together, he can pay for DSC presents. Of course you can contribute or buy them each a small present if you want/are able to, but it shouldn't be expected and you shouldn't be paying half.

" If the other adults don't play along then you better start saving, or start cutting back on what your biological child will receive - whatever needs to be done. "

@Wroxie so your basically saying that strive for equality but unless your talking about the second family children, then it's ok for them to receive less ?

I have got to ask the question to find out whether you see how incredibly ridiculous you sound.

It's comments like yours that is why the SP on mumsnet are like no I'm not stepping into a role that the is the biological parents responsibility. This isn't about adults getting on and being the bigger person. This about people knowing and respecting each other as equals and as a step parent - you have restrictions which you accept, being walked over isn't one of them .

As a mum I would be horrified at the thought of a SM feeling the need to take from her child to give mine a bigger present, as that's my child. Mine and my ex's responsibility, no one else's.