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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about wedding?

72 replies

Soontobeoutnumbered3 · 27/09/2021 10:58

(Yes it’s another bloody wedding one - sorry)

My DH is best man at a wedding that is quite a distance from where we live and will require a 3 day/2 night trip.

I’ve recently found out that I’m pregnant and due 3 weeks before the wedding. I’ll need to have a c section (due to issues with previous births) and we will also have a 3 year old and 18 month old at the time of the wedding?

I’m thinking that there’s no way I’ll be able to attend the wedding 3 weeks post c section with a newborn, so have said I won’t be going.

Is it reasonable for my DH to go to the wedding and will I be ok at home by myself (no one can come and stay with me for the 3 days due to their own work/child commitments) or should DH step down and not go to the wedding?

YABU - DH should go to wedding
YANBU - DH should stay at home

OP posts:

pianolessons1 · 27/09/2021 11:00

who is getting married? If it's his brother then he probably has to go and you'll need to get some help in.

If anyone else I'd consider him withdrawing.

KarmaStar · 27/09/2021 11:02

If there is no other family he will have to stay with you and your dc.The logistics of you all going would be a nightmare and you'll need as much rest as you can get.stay home and explain to the groom your situation.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 27/09/2021 11:02

We had a similar. Due date 4 weeks before wedding, although only one toddler. I sent DH alone, but did have back up (plus was an uncomplicated birth?)
Do you have any other relatives that would be able to help? And can he make it a one night trip, even leaving early in the morning.

Ghostsintheshelf · 27/09/2021 11:02

I don't see how you can look after a 3 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn when you've just had a caesarian. If there's no one else to help you, surely he has to stay at home?

AntiHop · 27/09/2021 11:04

If there is definitely no one else to help you, he will definitely have to stay at home.

Icecreamsoda99 · 27/09/2021 11:05

@Ghostsintheshelf

I don't see how you can look after a 3 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn when you've just had a caesarian. If there's no one else to help you, surely he has to stay at home?

I agree with this. Unless you are in a financial position to hire temporary help.

forrestgreen · 27/09/2021 11:05

Or he goes but takes the children?

Original poster

Soontobeoutnumbered3 · 27/09/2021 11:05

It’s his friend who is getting married, the groom does have a brother who could step in and be best man

OP posts:

Original poster

Soontobeoutnumbered3 · 27/09/2021 11:06

@forrestgreen

Or he goes but takes the children?

That would be ideal, but it’s a child free wedding so they aren’t invited

OP posts:

MintyCedric · 27/09/2021 11:09

Have you had a c-section before?

How were you coping at that stage with your other kids?

If someone has asked him to be best man it's a pretty big deal...it's not like it's a big standard wedding invitation.

Is there really no-one who could help you out? A friend that could take your eldest out for a bit or come round for a few hours in the afternoon so you can catch up on sleep?

Tbh I think I'd try and find a workaround, but there's a lot of factors to consider.

Ultimately if it really won't work then you and the kids come first.

forrestgreen · 27/09/2021 11:10

Who would have been having the children if you were both going?

MintyCedric · 27/09/2021 11:10

I don't see how you can look after a 3 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn when you've just had a caesarian.

Presumably that's not going to be optional once OPs DH goes back to work from paternity leave?

Mermaidpool · 27/09/2021 11:12

I would look into the cost of a mother's help type person to support you before making a decision. If you can afford it and is available in your area then I would tell him to go, if not he declines if there is no one else to help you

ChimChimeny · 27/09/2021 11:14

@MintyCedric

I don't see how you can look after a 3 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn when you've just had a caesarian.

Presumably that's not going to be optional once OPs DH goes back to work from paternity leave?

I'd assume there's childcare on week days for the existing children & the DH there at weekends whereas the wedding will be a weekend.

If he has to go (personally don't think he should) he can drive there the morning of (even if it means setting off at stupid o'clock) & come back v early the day after, a 3.5 hours drive doesn't need to be 2 night stay over

MintyCedric · 27/09/2021 11:17

@ChimChimeny

That's true...and I do agree that unless it's at the other end of the country he should be able to make it a one-nighter.

StMarysKettle · 27/09/2021 11:19

As long as you tell them now he can't come then there won't be an issue. They can replace him and you will have the help you need at home.

There's no way he should be going to it with you 3 weeks post section - you'd hardly be able to look after one baby let alone an extra 2 kids. Shame for him but that's how life is.

isthisok22 · 27/09/2021 11:19

There is literally no one else you know that could help out for a few days, even with so much notice?

Original poster

Soontobeoutnumbered3 · 27/09/2021 11:31

The other children would have stayed with my parents.

The bit that I’m most worried about is overnight. I’ve exclusively breastfed both my children and intend on doing so with this baby. My experience with the other 2 DC is that they feed at least every 2 hours at that stage and are still pooing throughout the night so need multiple nappy changes. With previous children DH has been lucky to be able to take 5 weeks off work and has done all nighttime nappy changes for the first few weeks which was a huge help as he tidied up the nappy etc. Whilst I fed and settled the baby. There isn’t anyone that I can I ask to come and sleep in my bedroom with me to be woken up every couple of hours to change a pooey nappy.

(I appreciate that may be a lot more help than some new mums get, but it works for us and it’s not a race to the bottom of who has it hardest)

OP posts:

namechange30455 · 27/09/2021 11:34

Can the older two still stay with your parents? At least then you'd get some respite during the day when baby is asleep?

Georgewontsleepnow · 27/09/2021 11:36

I would encourage my DH to go. And arrange to have family or a friend visit and help for a few days. These opportunities are so rare and special after the last few years.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!

INeed2P · 27/09/2021 11:37

I'd get the older two to stay with your parents (as the original plan) and your DH go to the wedding as best man.

LakeShoreD · 27/09/2021 11:41

He’s obviously very close to the groom if he’s best man so I think he should really try to attend. If he can cut it to one night away and the other kids still stay with your parents as previously planned with him doing the drop/pick up then it’ll be fine. 1 night, even 2 nights, with a 3 week old really isn’t a big deal at all. But I totally get that you couldn’t have all 3 whilst recovering from a section, but that should be solvable.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/09/2021 11:47

I would have the other DC with parents
DH at wedding and all you have to do is look after the baby ;assuming that you haven't had complete cations it will be 3/4 weeks post c section.You are an experienced parent .

C152 · 27/09/2021 11:47

Unfortunately, no one, not even you, will be able to tell how you will feel 3 weeks post c-section. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, but was fine to potter about at home, look after my newborn by myself, do the usual home stuff like take the rubbish out, do the washing, everything for the baby etc. The only time I really needed help was a week after the c-section, when every muscle in my stomach seized up and it was a like a solid block of concrete. It was agony and apparently I actually cried in my sleep I was in so much pain. But that only lasted a week, so by week 3 I was back to doing everything myself again.

Whether you can do something though, doesn't necessarily mean you should. If possible, I would try to find someone (grandparents? siblings? best friends?) to help look after the other two kids during the day; or maybe come in the afternoon and do dinner for all of you and give the older kids a bath and help put them to bed? (I found it impossible to bend over a bath and lift a baby in and out that soon after my c-section; I definitely couldn't have lifted a heavier child.)

isthisok22 · 27/09/2021 11:49

You need to still send the other two to your parents and you manage 1-2 nights with the baby.

It's a bit OTT for him to miss his best friend's wedding just to help change nappies during the night.

Your updated post shows it much more workable than your OP. Does he want to go and you want him to miss it?

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