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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about wedding?

72 replies

Soontobeoutnumbered3 · 27/09/2021 10:58

(Yes it’s another bloody wedding one - sorry)

My DH is best man at a wedding that is quite a distance from where we live and will require a 3 day/2 night trip.

I’ve recently found out that I’m pregnant and due 3 weeks before the wedding. I’ll need to have a c section (due to issues with previous births) and we will also have a 3 year old and 18 month old at the time of the wedding?

I’m thinking that there’s no way I’ll be able to attend the wedding 3 weeks post c section with a newborn, so have said I won’t be going.

Is it reasonable for my DH to go to the wedding and will I be ok at home by myself (no one can come and stay with me for the 3 days due to their own work/child commitments) or should DH step down and not go to the wedding?

YABU - DH should go to wedding
YANBU - DH should stay at home

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2021 11:51

@INeed2P

I'd get the older two to stay with your parents (as the original plan) and your DH go to the wedding as best man.
This is a sensible solution if your DH is set on attending. He could also go for less time. You could see friends in the daytime.

If your due date is 3 weeks before the wedding and you are having a CS, presumably around 39 weeks, you could be as much as 4 weeks PN?

Perhaps get DH to step down as BM and then he has more flexibility if things are more difficult than anticipated?

Normandy144 · 27/09/2021 11:51

Stick to the original plan and send the older two children to your parents. Send DH to the wedding and you stay home with new baby. Or could you and all the children go and stay with your parents for the weekend and DH go to the wedding on his own.

Kite22 · 27/09/2021 11:53

Ah, now you have changed from having a 3 yr old and an 18month old to look after, to not having them, it does change things rather.

Is it not possible for your parents to stay at yours to look after the other two ?
It still means you are technically on your own during the night, but, if you really needed someone at some point, then they would be around.

jackstini · 27/09/2021 11:53

Depends how you were after previous C-sections but I was fine at that stage
Would agree with PPs

  • DH goes to wedding (poss 1 night rather than 2)
  • 2 older DC stay with your parents
  • Just you and baby at home - have you got friends/family who could poss pop round?
BlakeDreary · 27/09/2021 12:18

I once was a witness for my friend's wedding and was severely ill with my chronic illness the week of the wedding. However, I knew that it would be extremely unfair to cancel on them last minute and I think there's also legalities involved with changing the witness. I had to suck it up and go for the ceremony. I ended up being admitted to hospital the day after the wedding.

My point is - your DH is best man at their wedding. It would be quite unfair on the couple for them to have to change this role to somebody else who will have short time to write a speech etc.

Whilst I understand your c-section was unplanned you've already said that the kids were meant to stay with your parents. Why can this not be done still? Can you not travel with DH to the wedding location and stay in a hotel, it's just going to be one day he's not there to help you for the wedding day. Or is the wedding abroad? Or can your parents not move into your house to assist you and the children?

I personally think it is better to change your plans than make him change his. He must be feeling terribly torn in this situation with his commitment as best man and to also be there for you.

ChimChimeny · 27/09/2021 12:30

My point is - your DH is best man at their wedding. It would be quite unfair on the couple for them to have to change this role to somebody else who will have short time to write a speech etc.

OP has recently found out she's pregnant so I assume the couple have at least 6 months to ask the groom's brother to step in

ChimChimeny · 27/09/2021 12:31

@ChimChimeny

My point is - your DH is best man at their wedding. It would be quite unfair on the couple for them to have to change this role to somebody else who will have short time to write a speech etc.

OP has recently found out she's pregnant so I assume the couple have at least 6 months to ask the groom's brother to step in

Not sure where I got the groom's brother from but presumably he still has other friends he can ask & plenty of time to do so
WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 27/09/2021 12:39

Having to solo parent a newborn as well as two young children after a C section is pretty daunting, so YWNBU at all to ask him not to go.

However, being best man is a pretty big deal so I’m assuming this is a very close friend. So I think I’d be trying hard to find some kind of workaround before saying no for definite. E.g. DH takes the two older kids with him, he goes for a shorter amount of time, someone comes to stay with you to help out, etc.

I know you say he would be helping through the nights, but I reckon managing the nights solo is doable if you had someone else to take care of the other two in the day so you can catch up on sleep.

BlakeDreary · 27/09/2021 12:40

@ChimChimeny

My point is - your DH is best man at their wedding. It would be quite unfair on the couple for them to have to change this role to somebody else who will have short time to write a speech etc.

OP has recently found out she's pregnant so I assume the couple have at least 6 months to ask the groom's brother to step in

I mis-read that she had just found out she's pregnant. I thought it was soon.

OP what has your husband said about it? Sometimes it makes the situation easier if your DH suggested he not go rather than you suggest it. He might come to that conclusion by himself.

Georgewontsleepnow · 27/09/2021 12:46

To be quite honest, I would be making every effort to go to the wedding too- with my newborn. Leave the older two with grandparents. I've not had to have a section though, so view is coloured by easy recoveries. The compromise for us would be DH going alone, which I wouldn't resent (or fear).

Pbbananabagel · 27/09/2021 13:53

You’ll be able to just about manage IF you think of it as ‘survival mode’, your older DC’s go to GP’s and you and newborn stay home, stay in pj’s, don’t try to cook anything just either prep food for your freezer before the birth or have takeaways. You should not be doing too much even if you feel ok by 3wks after the section as you risk putting pressure on the wound which can lead to stress and infection. Hole up, watch some box sets and bond with your newborn.

Pbbananabagel · 27/09/2021 13:54

I have had both an emergency and an elective section

HerbivorousRex · 27/09/2021 14:09

If it’s the night feeds and nappies that are the issue could your parents come to help in the day and then he drives back after dinner (wedding meals are usually really early- I haven’t been to many where they finish later than 6 or 7pm).
It would allow him to be there for the ceremony and speeches but would probably mean he’d be back by 10ish to help you overnight (the meal is usually pretty early at most weddings).
Obviously it’s not ideal but it would allow him to attend the important bits (if he’s been asked to be Best Man then he’s clearly very close to the couple) and you wouldn’t be on your own with the kids at any point (if your parents stay with you then they can just go to bed when he gets back and won’t need to be woken up during the night).

NapoleonOzmolysis · 27/09/2021 14:15

DH went away for a week when DC4 was 3.5 weeks old, we hired a babysitter for 5-8pm every night so she could help put Dc1-3 to bed and I could eat. One night she couldn't do so a friend came and she held Dc4 while I put the others to bed and we had a takeaway.

I have wiped from memory how I coped overnight Grin but I hadn't had a CS so could drive the school & nursery run(s).

Pottedpalm · 27/09/2021 14:24

Let him attend the wedding; would your parents ( or maybe nust your mother) come and stay at your house? When our DTs were tiny and DH had to travel abroad for work, my mother would come and stay. She would take the first baby ged and change the nappy and get them back to sleep while I fed the second. We went to bed early!

Driftingblue · 27/09/2021 14:26

A csection is major abdominal surgery. You should not be left alone for 3 days caring for 3 very young children while recovering from having your abdominal muscles sliced open.

RaginaPhalange · 27/09/2021 16:37

So if your parents were going to take the older dc could they not still do so? You stay at home with newborn and dh goes to the wedding?

If not I don't think he should be going tbh

forrestgreen · 27/09/2021 16:43

Plan e (possibly..)

Ch to your parents
Dh is best man
You and baby go and stay at the same hotel and he helps as much as he can??

gogohm · 27/09/2021 17:13

Great would leave the older 2 with the grandparents and go to the wedding, staying at the hotel if they are too mean to allow you in. Admittedly I didn't have c sections but I was doing g everything after a week or so post partum

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 23:14

There is no way I would be left at home alone for a few days with 3 young dc a few weeks after a wedding. Personally I’d just say that and see what he comes up with, rather than jumping to do all the work to find some solution for him. If he wants to go let’s see what ideas he has before you start wracking your brain.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 23:15

A few weeks after a c section not a wedding! I haven’t had c sections and still would not be ok with this, I’ve insisted my dh have 3 weeks leave for dc3.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/09/2021 23:20

I really don’t understand how you think you can’t cope?
Yes title be tiring, but you can do it!
So what if the house is a mess as long as they’re fed and clean.

BreadInCaptivity · 28/09/2021 00:01

Options:

  1. Could your parents come and stay with you and the children to offer support?
  1. If your parents can have the older children could you look at hiring a night maternity nurse to help you (finances permitting?)

If these are not possible I simply think he needs to say he can't commit to being best man (giving plenary of time to secure someone else) and that he may not be able to attend the wedding, but won't know that until the week before. If that represents an issue re: cost/guest places then it's better he declines the invite now.

There's no way of knowing how well you'll recover from your section and how easy the baby will be to get into a routine.

It's a shame but it is what it is....

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 00:54

@BluebellsGreenbells

I really don’t understand how you think you can’t cope? Yes title be tiring, but you can do it! So what if the house is a mess as long as they’re fed and clean.
Here we go. File it with the single mums manage and ‘I haven’t had a c section but you’ll be fine’. Do you also really not understand how some mums and some babies die in childbirth because it didn’t happen to you?
wendyoz · 28/09/2021 01:18

Second the poster above - older kids with grandparents as per original plan , hubby at wedding. You home alone with new baby..