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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about wedding?

72 replies

Soontobeoutnumbered3 · 27/09/2021 10:58

(Yes it’s another bloody wedding one - sorry)

My DH is best man at a wedding that is quite a distance from where we live and will require a 3 day/2 night trip.

I’ve recently found out that I’m pregnant and due 3 weeks before the wedding. I’ll need to have a c section (due to issues with previous births) and we will also have a 3 year old and 18 month old at the time of the wedding?

I’m thinking that there’s no way I’ll be able to attend the wedding 3 weeks post c section with a newborn, so have said I won’t be going.

Is it reasonable for my DH to go to the wedding and will I be ok at home by myself (no one can come and stay with me for the 3 days due to their own work/child commitments) or should DH step down and not go to the wedding?

YABU - DH should go to wedding
YANBU - DH should stay at home

OP posts:

Weatherwax13 · 28/09/2021 01:48

I would expect my husband to stay home. It's too early after the birth.
It's major surgery on top of having two LOs and a newborn.
You don't know how you'll be feeling after the c section. Two of my DDs have had them. The difference in their recoveries was stark.
You may be leaping tall buildings. Or you could be in a right state.
Surely wife trumps wedding? Some of MN gets really odd about weddings I think.
And completely disagree with the PP who says you should force yourself into attending to solve the problem! Why?? Do not do that to yourself. And best of luck with your baby.

Randomneim · 28/09/2021 01:51

"That would be ideal, but it’s a child free wedding so they aren’t invited"

could he push back on that, in your circumstances? Tell them he really needs to bring the kids? ie he could only come and be BM if he can bring them, if not, he can't? Not blackmailing, just logistically necessary. (hides grumble about bloody child free bloody weddings for another day)

Saoirse82 · 28/09/2021 01:58

@isthisok22

You need to still send the other two to your parents and you manage 1-2 nights with the baby.

It's a bit OTT for him to miss his best friend's wedding just to help change nappies during the night.

Your updated post shows it much more workable than your OP. Does he want to go and you want him to miss it?

Yes, I voted YANBU but I agree with this poster. If you can have the other children stay with your parents and if he can possibly go for a shorter period then that's what I'd suggest.

Saoirse82 · 28/09/2021 02:06

Although having said that it's major surgery so I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask him to miss it either. And for those who say just go to the wedding clearly they've never had a section (I haven't either but I know it can be a lengthy recovery.)

superhappymagicforest · 28/09/2021 02:06

Can you pay a postnatal doula to come and stay?

LocalHobo · 28/09/2021 02:40

So if your parents were going to take the older dc could they not still do so? You stay at home with newborn and dh goes to the wedding?

Or you and newborn also go to your parents/they come to you.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 02:49

@Randomneim

"That would be ideal, but it’s a child free wedding so they aren’t invited"

You can’t be best man and solo looking after two small children to be honest. Whenever the bridal party has small children there is a partner or family looking after them for all the official bits of the wedding, and he can’t be seated at the bridal table without having his dc there either.

Pikamoo · 28/09/2021 02:56

I voted YANBU but wish I could change it after reading your later posts. Send your older kids to your parents as you'd originally planned, DH goes to the wedding and you stay home with the newborn. Yes doing the nights alone won't be great but it's 2 nights and your third child, I'm sure you can manage. If you really can't face that maybe see if it's possible for DH to be away for a shorter period of time, or hire a night nanny for a couple of nights to do the nappies.

RussianSpy101 · 28/09/2021 03:03

Why can’t you attend a wedding 3 weeks after a csection?

I’ve had 3 csections and have done many things in the weeks that followed; zoos, theme parks, weekends away etc

RussianSpy101 · 28/09/2021 03:04

@Saoirse82 I’ve had 3 csections and I can’t understand why she can’t go to the wedding.

CallyWW · 28/09/2021 03:12

If he's the best man he should definitely go!! It's not like you are a brand new mom, this is your third kid. It will be easy and you can hire a babysitter to come over during the days/evenings he is gone. See if he can shorten his trip if possible maybe but he shouldn't miss the wedding just so he can stay home and change diapers in the night for you.

UnicornBeach · 28/09/2021 03:20

Hi op congratulations. I struggled with my first section, slow to get back on my feet, infection and so on. Second time I was hanging washing on day 3 (not recommended obviously but gives you a measure of different experiences) I was out doing gentle walks by a week. Saying this to highlight the different experiences which I suppose you just can’t predict until baby arrives. Reading your post I’m thinking that they usually section 7 days before due date but that can be sooner due to availability of slots and any health issues you might develop. For both of my section i would have been ok on my own at 3 week stage with new baby but defo agree it will be a struggle with you other little one too. I actually would have been ok this time to attend the wedding 3 weeks pp, but I would have made sure we had booked a room on site.
Good luck these things are never easy

WTF475878237NC · 28/09/2021 03:27

Three weeks PP I was doubly incontinent. Similarly I'm sure c sections aren't a breeze for all women.

brightwhite · 28/09/2021 03:47

I would send the older 2 away as planned if you went to the wedding.

If you can't do this then dh doesn't go
You cannot look after them all and yourself so soon after birth.

Moneysavvymam · 28/09/2021 04:14

I would expect him to cancel. Missing a wedding is f all to missing being there for your wife when recovering from having your 3rd child. Especially via c section.
Its early and I would be putting my foot down.
I'll never forget my own mum just casually saying 'oh dear my stitches have come open' like it was nothing after my brother was born. She was wide open and bleeding everywhere, but so exhausted she didn't want to go to hospital to sort out her gaping wound. What she would have done alone in that situation I don't know. She had my dad and 3 adult children to help and one older child.

Does he want to go? You would be giving plenty of notice and birthing a child comes with all sorts of complications. My own children came with ease vaginally. I still remember waking up on the kitchen floor with my second and my 4th. My partner could only afford a couple days off for the birth and first few days. No idea how long I was out, thankfully I wasn't holding the baby. I think that was due to iron. I am young and healthy. I would expect him to stay even if it could be just you and baby.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/09/2021 04:30

You will likely be 4 weeks post section if it’s planned. When I was 4 weeks post my sections (I’ve had 3) I was doing everything as per normal (save for not lifting really heavy things).

I’d say that it’s much more likely than not, with a planned section, you will be coping just fine on your own by the time of the wedding. But really, if you are worried about it and it’s going to play on your mind then he should cancel.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/09/2021 04:37

I’ve just seen that the oldest children could go to your parents and it’s the night times you are worried about. It’s 2 nights. At least 3 weeks, most likely 4, post section. In those circumstances I think you are pretty unreasonable to want him to cancel.

Covidiom · 28/09/2021 05:40

I had a c section recently. They tend to take the baby out about a week before you are due so you will be 4 weeks post c section. In all honesty I would have been fine going to a wedding with DH. I would have also been fine with staying at home with the baby (not so much with all 3 children). Can you speak to the couple and say that DH will attend and you hope to but can you play it by ear?

abstractprojection · 28/09/2021 16:52

I think he needs to step down as best man now as he can’t make the commitment. And will attend as a guest if it is possible which you won’t know yet

ChimChimeny · 28/09/2021 18:50

@timeisnotaline exactly! My friend couldn't even lift the kettle after her C section but sure looking after 3 kids on your own is a piece of piss

Pikamoo · 28/09/2021 20:45

[quote ChimChimeny]@timeisnotaline exactly! My friend couldn't even lift the kettle after her C section but sure looking after 3 kids on your own is a piece of piss [/quote]
But after OP's update she won't be looking after three kids? It'll be her one newborn as the other two can go to her parents like originally planned. Noones saying it'll be amazing, a weekend alone with a newborn will be tough but if her DH has been asked to be best man this is clearly the wedding of someone he's very close to.

surreygirl1987 · 28/09/2021 20:53

Usually on these threads I think posters are being unreasonable but I think in your case he actually shouldn't go. I had a C section last year and I was still struggling at the 3 weeks mark. I also had a toddler in addition to my newborn (who wasn't sleeping) and it was really rough. My husband was on school holidays thank goodness or I don't know what I'd have done - it was hard. We even had the inlaws stay with us for a week when the baby was born and still struggled. It depends on a lot of things but if you really can't get help from anyone else, and it must be 3 days 2 nights, then I'd play it safe and have him not attend.

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