Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner's Ex

62 replies

Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 08:45

My partners current arrangements to see his children are solely based around his ex wife's 16 hour a week job. Currently he:

takes them to school on a Wed morning, collects them Wed Pick up, has them overnight and takes them to school Thursday Morning

Saturday morning she drops them off at 9am on her way to work, week 1 collects them at 7.30 and then drops them off 5pm on a sunday, he has them overnight and takes them to school monday morning. Week 2 he has them overnight Saturday, she collects them sunday morning, and then brings them back 5pm for him to have them overnight and take them to school monday morning.

It's all very disjointed and he never gets a full weekend with them. We've suggested to her that he has them Friday - Monday week 1, and then week 2 she has them for the weekend and sorts out her own childcare for the saturday. Are we being unreasonable? She says she can't find childcare and will have to quit her job. I just dont think his time with his kids should be based around her hours at work?!

Can i also say, he would love to have them more nights, but she's restricted it to 5 nights in 14 to keep her child maintenance payments higher.

OP posts:
Hattie765 · 27/09/2021 08:47

What does your husband think? If he wants to change the arrangement and she won't you'll have to go to court.

Eleganz · 27/09/2021 08:48

You aren't being unreasonable, but I would urge some caution in inserting yourself into this situation. I hope that all the communication about this is going through your partner, they are his children.

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 08:49

My partner agrees with me - he's been trying to change it for while, even before we met, but she's a bully and he's always been to scared to raise it with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 08:50

Yea, I don't communicate with her directly.

OP posts:
CallMeNutribullet · 27/09/2021 08:52

Why can't he just work around her job? If she doesn't have good family supported it'll be very difficult to find childcare on a Saturday. If it's truly about seeing them he could offer to take the more informally without varying the CM?

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 08:55

Because he isn't getting quality time with them.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 08:59

Why not just keep the arrangements as they are expect on week 2 she doesn't pick them up on Sunday and he just keeps them for that weekend?

It'd be a shitty thing to do to make her job untenable.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 08:59

*except not expect!

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:01

He's offered that too. I don't think it's shitty. She doesn't provide childcare for his job - if it's his day, and he needs to work early or late, he sorts out childcare.

OP posts:
SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 09:02

In the gentlest of tones...Stay out of it. The children need their parents to sort this out as amicably as possible. As soon as a third party enters the fray it gets messier. If he really wants to change the contact arrangement then he has to put his big boy pants on and have an actual conversation about it. If he finds that too difficult to do alone he can suggest mediation as a way to explore options. He needs to consider the long term effects of all decisions - forcing his children's mum into unemployment or poverty is not in their best interest. Dragging everyone to court is not in their best interest. Sending perfunctory legal letters is not in their best interest. Sitting down like grown ups who both love their children and trying to work something out that doesn't have a detrimental impact on everyone is in their best interest.

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:05

@SouthSideSally

In the gentlest of tones...Stay out of it. The children need their parents to sort this out as amicably as possible. As soon as a third party enters the fray it gets messier. If he really wants to change the contact arrangement then he has to put his big boy pants on and have an actual conversation about it. If he finds that too difficult to do alone he can suggest mediation as a way to explore options. He needs to consider the long term effects of all decisions - forcing his children's mum into unemployment or poverty is not in their best interest. Dragging everyone to court is not in their best interest. Sending perfunctory legal letters is not in their best interest. Sitting down like grown ups who both love their children and trying to work something out that doesn't have a detrimental impact on everyone is in their best interest.
I'm not involved at all. I'm asking for advice. He's talking to her through text. He can't sit down and talk to her because she's aggressive and shouts in his face. He's suggested mediation many times and she's refused.
OP posts:
SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 09:06

@Jackso12

He's offered that too. I don't think it's shitty. She doesn't provide childcare for his job - if it's his day, and he needs to work early or late, he sorts out childcare.
And this is why you shouldn't get involved. Maybe she can't afford child care. Maybe she has no one in her life she trusts with the care of her children. Maybe she feels that their dad is the best person to be caring for them. Maybe THEY want to be with their other parent rather than at child care. And these are things she might not be comfortable explaining to you or having you know.
Fireflygal · 27/09/2021 09:12

How old are the children? How long have you been together?

Getting childcare at a weekend is difficult, especially if the children are young. Certainly don't impose this..work towards a settlement and maybe look at a timeline for the future.

I think she is putting the children first, trying to work around them and having the parents look after the children. I assume that when they were together he had the same schedule?

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 27/09/2021 09:12

I think he should be supporting her around work. Her working is in the kids best interest.

Outbutnotoutout · 27/09/2021 09:13

I think week 1 he should have them Fri till Monday as you have suggested then week 2 he covers the Sat so she can work.

Seems fair.

She can't have it all ways..

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:13

@Outbutnotoutout

I think week 1 he should have them Fri till Monday as you have suggested then week 2 he covers the Sat so she can work.

Seems fair.

She can't have it all ways..

That's what he has suggested, so fingers crossed
OP posts:
SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 09:14

I would suggest he contacts a mediation service himself. They usually offer a one to one session in the first instance and then THEY can invite the other parent to come along for a one to one session. She might be more receptive to an invitation from them to have a chat one to one. Once they explain that mediation isn't about forcing decisions on people like courts and actually about helping them make their own decisions for the sake of the children she might be more happy to do it.

If your oh goes down a legal route and you are in England, they would have to attend a MIAM anyway. And even in Scotland courts frown upon those who haven't given it a go. ( Barring any domestic abuse)

I know it's frustrating and you feel like you have no control but he really needs to take the lead here. All you can do is make a decision that if the worst comes to the worst and contact arrangements don't change the way you want them too soon hat can you do to protect your own sanity.

amylou8 · 27/09/2021 09:15

Things are amicable and he's having regular contact with his kids. Yes it's all base around her work needs, but surely that's got to benefit the kids. I'd be wary of upsetting the apple cart.

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:15

@Fireflygal

How old are the children? How long have you been together?

Getting childcare at a weekend is difficult, especially if the children are young. Certainly don't impose this..work towards a settlement and maybe look at a timeline for the future.

I think she is putting the children first, trying to work around them and having the parents look after the children. I assume that when they were together he had the same schedule?

we've been together 18 months. The children are 7 and 9. It is difficult, but she does have a new partner. We live 30 minutes away from her, so the tooing and frowing on a sunday isn't good for anyone.
OP posts:
Aprilx · 27/09/2021 09:16

The Wednesday / Thursday seems fine. The weekends sound a bit bitty, with picking up one evening and then dropping off again within 24 hours, it sounds like they could rethink this bit. I don’t understand why having them every Saturday (sometimes overnight, sometimes until early evening) is not quality time?

I expect childcare is hard to organise on a weekend.

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:19

@amylou8

Things are amicable and he's having regular contact with his kids. Yes it's all base around her work needs, but surely that's got to benefit the kids. I'd be wary of upsetting the apple cart.
Things arent amicable. She's constantly messing around with the times on a sunday. If he asks for an extra hour on one of the days she kicks off, but then changes the time at a drop of a hat. There are other issues i havent mentioned. She's quite neglectful. She doesnt brush her daughters hair, to the point the first time i met her it took me 2 hours to get all of the knots out. She doesnt bathe or shower them, this only happens on the days they're with their dad. She buys them shoes that are too big and their son had sore feet/legs from trying to keep them on when he walked. One of the kids has SEN and she's not being taking him to his speech therapy. This is just scratching the surface.
OP posts:
Fireflygal · 27/09/2021 09:20

If money is a worry for her, he could jconfirm that he won't penalise extra nights by taking money from CMS. It's such a low amount so he is hopefully paying extra.

Always focus on the longterm goal. Don't try to force anything through, as that can be seen as bullying, make suggestions and then try mediation.

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:24

@Aprilx

The Wednesday / Thursday seems fine. The weekends sound a bit bitty, with picking up one evening and then dropping off again within 24 hours, it sounds like they could rethink this bit. I don’t understand why having them every Saturday (sometimes overnight, sometimes until early evening) is not quality time?

I expect childcare is hard to organise on a weekend.

He can never go anywhere with them because she wants to collect them on a sunday morning, have them a few hours and then bring them back. It's a lot of messing around
OP posts:
Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:29

@Fireflygal

If money is a worry for her, he could jconfirm that he won't penalise extra nights by taking money from CMS. It's such a low amount so he is hopefully paying extra.

Always focus on the longterm goal. Don't try to force anything through, as that can be seen as bullying, make suggestions and then try mediation.

It wouldn't be any extra nights if he keeps them for the full weekend on the night he has them on the saturday. He already pays her more than entitled to and shes restricted the nights to 5 in 14 even though he wants more.
OP posts:
SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 09:31

So the poor parenting is quite a massive drip feed. If he has concerns about their safety, health or welfare then he needs to speak to social services. What you are describing is neglect and abuse. My primary concern in this instance wouldn't be having a weekend to myself it would be getting my children to live with me full time until their other parent proved themselves able to care for them adequately. Why hasn't he done this?