Page 3 | Partner's Ex

Jackso12 · 2021-09-27T07:45:21+00:00

My partners current arrangements to see his children are solely based around his ex wife's 16 hour a week job. Currently he: takes them to school on a Wed morning, collects them Wed Pick up, has them overnight and takes them to school Thursday Morning Saturday morning she drops them off at 9am on her way to work, week 1 collects them at 7.30 and then drops them off 5pm on a sunday, he has them overnight and takes them to school monday morning. Week 2 he has them overnight Saturday, she collects them sunday morning, and then brings them back 5pm for him to have them overnight and take them to school monday morning. It's all very disjointed and he never gets a full weekend with them. We've suggested to her that he has them Friday - Monday week 1, and then week 2 she has them for the weekend and sorts out her own childcare for the saturday. Are we being unreasonable? She says she can't find childcare and will have to quit her job. I just dont think his time with his kids should be based around her hours at work?! Can i also say, he would love to have them more nights, but she's restricted it to 5 nights in 14 to keep her child maintenance payments higher.

Realisticmum · 02/10/2021 16:19

Im sorry... But you are talking about their child... so what of he is being a parent while she is at work?
In an ideal world this how it should be....

When its his time and she can't, is she working too? If that is the case then yes, child care...

Honestly, which every parent pays for the child care should not matter, of she can't find one or afford one and dad can, so what if he pays for his child...

This post is coming across as if the only person concerned with money is you... you can't assume she is doing this for more CS money... if that were the case, she probably wouldnt be working as much or be asking for dad to be a parent while she is at work...

Your focus should be on the child and ensuring that the child is well cared for and provided for... he is just as responsible for the childs needs as she is and i think you.

Now regarding the "neglect"... talking to her would be a start. There is a chance the hair is knotted from going to bed with wet hair after a shower, this happens to my 2yo every night, i brush it out in the morning but she could have hectic mornings and just forget... talk to her?

Realisticmum · 02/10/2021 16:22

@Realisticmum

Im sorry... But you are talking about their child... so what of he is being a parent while she is at work? In an ideal world this how it should be....

When its his time and she can't, is she working too? If that is the case then yes, child care...

Honestly, which every parent pays for the child care should not matter, of she can't find one or afford one and dad can, so what if he pays for his child...

This post is coming across as if the only person concerned with money is you... you can't assume she is doing this for more CS money... if that were the case, she probably wouldnt be working as much or be asking for dad to be a parent while she is at work...

Your focus should be on the child and ensuring that the child is well cared for and provided for... he is just as responsible for the childs needs as she is and i think you.

Now regarding the "neglect"... talking to her would be a start. There is a chance the hair is knotted from going to bed with wet hair after a shower, this happens to my 2yo every night, i brush it out in the morning but she could have hectic mornings and just forget... talk to her?

I think you should take a step back and re-evaluate what is in the childs best interest.

Pinkspecs · 02/10/2021 16:26

You sound over involved and out of order.
Why on earth would you think its ok for your partner not to have the child on Saturdays so she would be unable to work. Especially as she tells you she would have to quit her job as she has no available childcare.
She has them during the week so your partner can work.
Totally out of order.

Original poster

Jackso12 · 02/10/2021 16:37

@Realisticmum

Im sorry... But you are talking about their child... so what of he is being a parent while she is at work? In an ideal world this how it should be....

When its his time and she can't, is she working too? If that is the case then yes, child care...

Honestly, which every parent pays for the child care should not matter, of she can't find one or afford one and dad can, so what if he pays for his child...

This post is coming across as if the only person concerned with money is you... you can't assume she is doing this for more CS money... if that were the case, she probably wouldnt be working as much or be asking for dad to be a parent while she is at work...

Your focus should be on the child and ensuring that the child is well cared for and provided for... he is just as responsible for the childs needs as she is and i think you.

Now regarding the "neglect"... talking to her would be a start. There is a chance the hair is knotted from going to bed with wet hair after a shower, this happens to my 2yo every night, i brush it out in the morning but she could have hectic mornings and just forget... talk to her?

Her hair isn’t knotted, it’s matted. Her dad does her hair on a Sunday night, and when he collects her on Wednesday it hasn’t been brushed since he did it. The first time I met her I spent 2 hours getting the matts out. At one point I thought I was going to have to cut it. She is ALL about money. she lives in a 500k house, mortgage almost paid, if she’s so hard up she could sell and downsize. She is a nasty person and causes a lot of trouble. There is only so long that he can “help her out” before it’s getting ridiculous how much she’s taking advantage of his good nature.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 02/10/2021 16:50

Her hair isn’t knotted, it’s matted. Her dad does her hair on a Sunday night, and when he collects her on Wednesday it hasn’t been brushed since he did it.

So has he contacted SS about the neglect yet or are we still more bothered about bashing the ex than the children's welfare?

Original poster

Jackso12 · 02/10/2021 17:01

@girlmom21

Her hair isn’t knotted, it’s matted. Her dad does her hair on a Sunday night, and when he collects her on Wednesday it hasn’t been brushed since he did it.

So has he contacted SS about the neglect yet or are we still more bothered about bashing the ex than the children's welfare?

fuck off

OP posts:

Pinkspecs · 02/10/2021 17:08

" The first time I met her I spent 2 hours getting the matts out. "

Why didnt he do it? he doesn't sound very hands on.
He needs you to think for him and do everything for this kid.
Would rather leave his kid with a 'neglectful' mother until you come along and tell him why and what to do.
Just a tip, don't have kids with him.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2021 17:09

How sad for those poor children...

Neglectful parents and a step mother who can't see past point scoring with her partners ex.

Hopefully someone else who knows them will be a bit more responsible.

Realisticmum · 02/10/2021 17:42

Im sorry... but if this is the case and you are not over exaggerating then all 3 of you are neglecting the child.

The mum for not keeping up with the personal hygiene thing (given its an actual thing) and you both for not speaking to SS... both are neglect.

But honestly, so many step parents and ex partners claim neglect when there is none and the only reason anyone is coming at your right now is because you started your post about time, money and child care and then diverged to neglect.

Story time - my ex took my child and would not return him, 5 weeks I was begging... it started with because I went on date night with my boyfriend, then we moved in together and I had been "treating him different" by focusing solely on our child... then he accused me of neglect...

In our relo, there was DV, he worked 6-7 days a week, went to work came home and smoked weed until he passed out.
Would refuse to carry out parental duties, took all my money, destroyed all mine and my 3 childrens clothes, would not lift a finger for anyone but himself most days.

My house was so big that if you cleaned it the way he wanted it done you would be cleaning it 15 hours a day... so of course in 2020 with home school and online med school with 3 children at home and dealing with DV the house often would get in a state.

What was his reasons for neglect tho?

because I used a play pen or the cot to keep our baby safe while I attempted to clean the house. Or get some study in or make food.

my older childrens teeth... they were on a waiting list bc the lack of funds avaliable but regularly attended checkups.

nappy rash (it was actually an allergic reaction to new baby wipes I bought)

a button on his bunny suit popping open in his sleep

school attendance (my country and schools had closures and new policies) and a little paint on their uniforn (he ruined their good ones by taking the washing out of the machine and dumping them wet on the floor in order to wash his 4 work item, he never hung them out and never told me, all our clothes quickly were ruined)

apparently neglecting a chest infection... except I was the parent who had him diagnosed...

the effects of the DV

I had undiagnosed ADHD and task initiation and object permanence were the 2 biggest issues of mine.

Now... we had 50/50 of our 2yo, and he works 6 days a week still so DS is not with him 80-90% of the time in his week. DS returned to be with a blunt force trauma injury to his lower back just where the kidney, liver and 12th rib sit. It went unnoticed, untreated and when I askes how and when it happened, he threatened me.

So I didnt give his his time back. And took DS to Dr's and ex's reaction? To attempt to kidnap DS from child care, which lead to police involvement then CPS.

During the CPS investigation ex followes me and kids in car and has lawyered up and made threats of trying to get recovery orders if I dont give him overnight... he rejected regular supervised time and nightly video chat... this rejection was sent via lawyer as well. He had also sent police around to site DS and cops refuse to come over now bc they got sick of it.

So what was next? To call CPS and claim I leave the 2 yo home alone for hours... thankfully cps saw it was not true after a 40 min convo with me and case was instantly closed.

In saying all that, the CPS workers knew none of that... but they still spoke to me for 40 mins while I explained the situation, and on the end they have me their card in case I need support bc its been that stressful my hair has been falling out in chunks...

But in looking at all that above. You have a struggling parent in a DV relo who is doing their best who leaves and continues to try do their best and in his eyes I am the neglectful one. Not him, not his lack of parental supervision, not the unexplained injury that was not treated etc...

So again I say - If you have actual concerns then report it, if you are exaggerating then cut it out. If your parter wants a set regular bi weekly arrangment go to court... but do not sit there and go on about money and time if you are going to bring up neglect and compare your parenting to hers but fail to actually protect a child from abuse...

Realisticmum · 02/10/2021 17:57

@Realisticmum

Im sorry... but if this is the case and you are not over exaggerating then all 3 of you are neglecting the child.

The mum for not keeping up with the personal hygiene thing (given its an actual thing) and you both for not speaking to SS... both are neglect.

But honestly, so many step parents and ex partners claim neglect when there is none and the only reason anyone is coming at your right now is because you started your post about time, money and child care and then diverged to neglect.

Story time - my ex took my child and would not return him, 5 weeks I was begging... it started with because I went on date night with my boyfriend, then we moved in together and I had been "treating him different" by focusing solely on our child... then he accused me of neglect...

In our relo, there was DV, he worked 6-7 days a week, went to work came home and smoked weed until he passed out.
Would refuse to carry out parental duties, took all my money, destroyed all mine and my 3 childrens clothes, would not lift a finger for anyone but himself most days.

My house was so big that if you cleaned it the way he wanted it done you would be cleaning it 15 hours a day... so of course in 2020 with home school and online med school with 3 children at home and dealing with DV the house often would get in a state.

What was his reasons for neglect tho?

because I used a play pen or the cot to keep our baby safe while I attempted to clean the house. Or get some study in or make food.

my older childrens teeth... they were on a waiting list bc the lack of funds avaliable but regularly attended checkups.

nappy rash (it was actually an allergic reaction to new baby wipes I bought)

a button on his bunny suit popping open in his sleep

school attendance (my country and schools had closures and new policies) and a little paint on their uniforn (he ruined their good ones by taking the washing out of the machine and dumping them wet on the floor in order to wash his 4 work item, he never hung them out and never told me, all our clothes quickly were ruined)

apparently neglecting a chest infection... except I was the parent who had him diagnosed...

the effects of the DV