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Original poster

Partner's Ex

62 replies

Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 08:45

My partners current arrangements to see his children are solely based around his ex wife's 16 hour a week job. Currently he:

takes them to school on a Wed morning, collects them Wed Pick up, has them overnight and takes them to school Thursday Morning

Saturday morning she drops them off at 9am on her way to work, week 1 collects them at 7.30 and then drops them off 5pm on a sunday, he has them overnight and takes them to school monday morning. Week 2 he has them overnight Saturday, she collects them sunday morning, and then brings them back 5pm for him to have them overnight and take them to school monday morning.

It's all very disjointed and he never gets a full weekend with them. We've suggested to her that he has them Friday - Monday week 1, and then week 2 she has them for the weekend and sorts out her own childcare for the saturday. Are we being unreasonable? She says she can't find childcare and will have to quit her job. I just dont think his time with his kids should be based around her hours at work?!

Can i also say, he would love to have them more nights, but she's restricted it to 5 nights in 14 to keep her child maintenance payments higher.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 09:36

@Jackso12

He's offered that too. I don't think it's shitty. She doesn't provide childcare for his job - if it's his day, and he needs to work early or late, he sorts out childcare.
You don't think it's shitty to reduce her earnings, which will negatively impact his children?

If he has such limited contact how often does his work overlap with his childcare?

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 09:36

@SouthSideSally

So the poor parenting is quite a massive drip feed. If he has concerns about their safety, health or welfare then he needs to speak to social services. What you are describing is neglect and abuse. My primary concern in this instance wouldn't be having a weekend to myself it would be getting my children to live with me full time until their other parent proved themselves able to care for them adequately. Why hasn't he done this?
his primary concern isn't to have a weekend to himself. It's to have a full weekend with his children. He's trying to support her by explaining to her that the things she's doing aren't right and offering ways for her to improve.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 09:38

She's quite neglectful. She doesnt brush her daughters hair, to the point the first time i met her it took me 2 hours to get all of the knots out. She doesnt bathe or shower them, this only happens on the days they're with their dad. She buys them shoes that are too big and their son had sore feet/legs from trying to keep them on when he walked. One of the kids has SEN and she's not being taking him to his speech therapy. This is just scratching the surface.

If this is true why isn't he pushing for residency? Why hasn't he involved SS? If she's neglectful and he's fully aware and hasn't taken these steps, he's neglectful too.

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2021 09:46

Nice drip feed on the neglect

Honestly it sounds like he is neglectful too because most parents would have actually done something not sat around watching his children be neglected and wringing his hands whining she shouts at meeeee they would have gone to court contacted children services spoke to the nspcc talked to the school instead he has you picking up for the neglect and using your spine

Just how long would he have let the children be neglected if he hadn't met you?

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 09:53

She's a single mum;she doesn't have someone else there to help financially support her&your partners children.

How far do you think children maintenance payments actually go?

He has his children to help with childcare so the children's mum can financially support his children.

Stop with this whole "she does it go get more money out of my partner" bullshit.I bet she wishes she could covering the entire cost of raising her kids on one lump sum a month,

SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 10:03

He's trying to support her by explaining to her that the things she's doing aren't right and offering ways for her to improve.

So he only communicates with her by text and he's too scared to talk to her about their contact arrangement but he expects to successfully critique her parenting and have her follow his advice. There are three possible explanations - he is lying about ”trying to support her” and is letting her neglect the children. He is extremely naive and a bit dim and thinks that she will welcome his criticism of her and all will be magically ok. Or he enjoys the conflict.

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 10:07

I understand the the childcare thing is difficult for her and that's why she wants him to have them while she's working, but that doesn't explain why he can't have them for a whole weekend. He is not her babysitter, he's their father.

It sounds like she's only happy for him to have them to cover her working hours and no more, and that's not on.

I would definitely push for the one whole weekend and then the Saturday the following weekend (to help her with work) if I was him.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/09/2021 10:38

Nice drip feed when the replies werent going your way.

It's not in the children's best interests for their mum to lose her job. Surely that is the most important factor here? Stay out of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 10:50

You don't think it's shitty to reduce her earnings, which will negatively impact his children?

Childcare for when she’s working is her responsibility. Why on Earth would it not be?

No one else is paying OP’s DP’s childcare when he needs it.

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 11:00

He needs to go to SS and tell them she is neglectful and abusive.

You need to stay out of it though.

Why is he not doing more for his children if he is so concerned?

If he's afraid of her, he should speak to the police.

He needs to take action and stop hiding behind texting.

Are you really wise getting caught up in this?Flowers

FreedomFaith · 27/09/2021 11:21

Your partner is equally neglectful by allowing that to happen.

A word of caution for you, but I doubt you'll have the sense to listen: don't have kids with a man who doesn't do anything when the mother of his current kids neglects them.

He should be doing way more. Going to court for one and requesting full custody. He isn't. He is equal part in playing this stupid game of who gets the kids on what days.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 11:27

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don't think it's shitty to reduce her earnings, which will negatively impact his children?

Childcare for when she’s working is her responsibility. Why on Earth would it not be?

No one else is paying OP’s DP’s childcare when he needs it.

But it's not about scoring points. They have children together.
WorraLiberty · 27/09/2021 11:36

we've been together 18 months. The children are 7 and 9. It is difficult, but she does have a new partner. We live 30 minutes away from her, so the tooing and frowing on a sunday isn't good for anyone.

How long have you actually lived together?

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 14:05

You don't think it's shitty to reduce her earnings, which will negatively impact his children?

I actually think it's more shitty that she will let him cover her childcare requirements for her but not a second more so she can preserve as much CM as she can! That is not putting the children first at all.

There is no good reason he can't have his children for a whole weekend, rather than having to give them back to her the second she's available.

If I was him I would not accept his.

It's one thing to arrange things so that they work around everyone's jobs, but another for one parent to literally only be able to have the children at all when the other is at work. She is being unfair.

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 14:08

But it's not about scoring points. They have children together.

You are right that it's not about scoring points, but equally you can't expect your ex to always cover your working hours.

They should have a set schedule in place which works for everyone, not just for the mum.

What is happening now doesn't work for the dad, as he never gets a weekend with his kids because they are always coming and going from their mum's. She could easily let him have every other weekend weekend but she doesn't want to because then he'd have an extra 2 nights for CM calculations if he chose.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/09/2021 14:10

I think you need to persuade him that his ex doesn't get the last word and that he can seek a better remedy in court! She has erfused mediation, if he has that in writing then she will start off as the less reasonable party!

SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 14:16

That's not how it works @CuriousaboutSamphire.

Mediator Services can not disclose to court which parent refused mediation. Because for lots of parents mediation isn't safe. Imagine an abused woman was penalised in court because she didn't want to mediate with an abuser. Mediation services retain confidentiality privileges in court.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/09/2021 14:18

That's true! My apologies. Lack of thinking it through!

But he should still consider a court order to sort out the mess he is in. It doesn't sound sustainable as it is!

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 14:50

He needs to let her believe that HIS hours have changed and he is unavailable to be her taxi driver. If he can’t work then she won’t get maintenance.

vivainsomnia · 27/09/2021 14:59

his primary concern isn't to have a weekend to himself. It's to have a full weekend with his children
Oh really? So why did he agree to it in the first place?

Surely if the issue was quality time with his kids, he wouldn't have waited to be committed in a relationship with you to bring it up.

It does come across as it being very much about wanting his Fred weekend, Mainly driven by your needs.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 16:10

@LittleMysSister and if it wasn't about the money or was just about him wanting contact he could reassure her that he wouldn't change the amount of CM he pays.

But he agreed to the arrangement as it is. If he doesn't like it he can take her to court (which he won't).

The OP is also accusing her of neglect.
If it was about the contact he'd 100% use this in his favour to get much more contact.

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 16:16

@vivainsomnia

his primary concern isn't to have a weekend to himself. It's to have a full weekend with his children Oh really? So why did he agree to it in the first place?

Surely if the issue was quality time with his kids, he wouldn't have waited to be committed in a relationship with you to bring it up.

It does come across as it being very much about wanting his Fred weekend, Mainly driven by your needs.

I think this is a really unfair way of looking at it.

Lots of people agree to things in the early days after a split because they just want whatever they can get of the kids. That doesn't mean they can't ever feel like actually things could be done better and it's not working for them.

Why should he not be able to have an entire weekend with his children the way other people do? She won't even agree to him having the whole weekend and still having the next Saturday when she's working, which he has suggested. So it's not all about getting a free weekend at all.

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 16:20

[quote girlmom21]@LittleMysSister and if it wasn't about the money or was just about him wanting contact he could reassure her that he wouldn't change the amount of CM he pays.

But he agreed to the arrangement as it is. If he doesn't like it he can take her to court (which he won't).

The OP is also accusing her of neglect.
If it was about the contact he'd 100% use this in his favour to get much more contact. [/quote]
But why should he need to take her to court just because she only lets him have the children when she's at work? That is not a normal way to sort a child's schedule out.

Neglect-wise though obviously that's another issue entirely. If she is genuinely neglecting them then obviously he should be sorting that out asap.

PicaK · 27/09/2021 16:21

If his prime concern is the kids then why doesn't he commit to keeping the cms at the level it is but having them more every other weekend - maybe she could cover more time in the hols as quid pro quo.
Fwiw my kid had very severely tangled hair, an aversion to brushing and the minute she went to bed it would tangle again. With SEN there are bigger battles to fight. I'd not be impressed with your 2 hours of hair brushing and indeed social services rolled their eyes when my in laws complained as school, childminders etc all experienced how difficult it was and how easily tangled.
Equally why were SALT lessons missed - was there good reason etc. Again I missed a few as I found their techniques (physically holding down the kids, using shame) didn't work for my child.
Sometimes things that look dreadful if you have NT kids just aren't, it's considered and thoughtful parenting.
If he has genuine concerns of course, if non of what I'm saying applies then he needs to step up.
But make sure kids are first in any decisions being made.

Original poster
Jackso12 · 27/09/2021 17:30

@PicaK

If his prime concern is the kids then why doesn't he commit to keeping the cms at the level it is but having them more every other weekend - maybe she could cover more time in the hols as quid pro quo. Fwiw my kid had very severely tangled hair, an aversion to brushing and the minute she went to bed it would tangle again. With SEN there are bigger battles to fight. I'd not be impressed with your 2 hours of hair brushing and indeed social services rolled their eyes when my in laws complained as school, childminders etc all experienced how difficult it was and how easily tangled. Equally why were SALT lessons missed - was there good reason etc. Again I missed a few as I found their techniques (physically holding down the kids, using shame) didn't work for my child. Sometimes things that look dreadful if you have NT kids just aren't, it's considered and thoughtful parenting. If he has genuine concerns of course, if non of what I'm saying applies then he needs to step up. But make sure kids are first in any decisions being made.
I’ve got a 13 year old daughter. Her hair didn’t get tangled because I washed and dried it, and plaited it before bed. It’s not rocket science. Kids do come first to him. Because they don’t to her it’s difficult to discuss anything with her as her perspective will never be from what’s best for the kids I’m afraid.
OP posts: