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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a professional failure

71 replies

Bleepingtons · 26/09/2021 18:23

Please be kind in your responses. I am really struggling with this.

In a nutshell, I have always been academically successful. Left uni and got a training contract with an MC law firm where I qualified. After 2.5 years as a qualified solicitor I decided to leave as I hated the hours and the stress. I retrained as a teacher and then worked in a tough state school for 5 years. In this time I did well but didn't go higher than 2ic, mainly through personal preference.

I then met my now husband and we decided to go abroad for 2 years where I taught in a bit of a crap local school. When I came back I was pregnant so took some maternity leave before working 2 days a week as a classroom teacher for a year before going on mat leave again.

I'm now 36 and feel I have nothing to show for myself. Especially when I compare myself with contemporaries who are now partners in law firms etc.

But I'm also completely conflicted because I want to be at home with my kids too and spend as much time with them as possible.

The decisions I made at the time were based on the premise that life is short and there are more kmportant things than work but now I just feel like a failure.

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
Bellybootcut · 26/09/2021 18:41

Ah, don't be hard on yourself. Enjoy the years with your children whilst they are young and you'll probably find you'll drift into something suited to you and fulfilling later on. I know loads of people who gently slid in to really good jobs later on in life. You have the education and qualifications behind you and that'll never leave.

cultkid · 26/09/2021 18:43

I feel judged as fuck for having my kids and not working

I don't need to

I am glad but very insecure

Being a mum is 100% the hardest job ever

What do you need to prove?

Probably you are surrounded by judgemental bastards like I am xx

Readyforthegoodlife · 26/09/2021 18:52

There is still plenty of time to have a career IF you choose, and you don’t have to!
Someone I know had four children, then when youngest started school got a degree. Soon got a job as junior lecturer then over the next couple of decades worked her way right to the top management in university. But, that doesn’t mean you have to do that either. It’s an option, just like staying at home.
Really, everyone would be so much better off making the choices that work best for them and not judging the choices of others.

Seabreeze18 · 26/09/2021 19:11

U made the right decisions for u at the time! None of them wrong!u don’t know what could have happened if u stayed as a lawyer and got fed up and stressed? U have had kids and that makes every woman question who she is? And what she wants? U turn into a butterfly!! Give yourself a break! Life has a plan but bring the top of a high flying company might not be yours at the moment!!

CorrBlimeyGG · 26/09/2021 19:16

Do you need to be a professional success? It sounds like your priorities are more around your family, and that is absolutely fine.

Bakingwithmyboys · 26/09/2021 19:17

I feel you.

I'm a teacher and went part time after having my first.
The year I fell pregnant, the head teacher was pushing me forward to leadership and then it stopped with mat leave. DS2 came along later and I find myself still a classroom teacher at the age of 35 having started my career at 22.

I was NQT mentor to our assistant head. I'm such an anomaly in my school as I've made little to know progression. However, I am able to be at home for 2 days a week for my boys which has been great. I have contact with their school which I wouldn't have if I was full time and working my way up the ladder.

Plus- I became a teacher to teach. The higher up you go, the less teaching you do.

As long as your happy and enjoying the job there's nothing wrong.

Scarby9 · 26/09/2021 19:18

You have qualified and worked in two professional careers and had a family.
On what possible planet is that a fail?
You are still only in your 30s and still have time to do all kinds of things.

Wewereonaspringbreak · 26/09/2021 19:20

I could have written this! Exactly the same career (or not!) path; degree/masters in law from top uni. Great job with lots of cache and international travel. Had four children in quick succession, retrained as a teacher, became a trailing spouse overseas to enable husband’s career to flourish (which he incidentally hates anyway) and returned after five years to end up in v niche area of education, which is okay but so dull compared to my ‘old’ life. So no advice really (actually following with interest to see if anyone has any) but lots of sympathy and empathy. I console myself with the fact that my career is no longer fulfilling, but my life outside of work is. Though I would trade it in a heartbeat if I could…

Echobelly · 26/09/2021 19:23

Enjoy time with your kids - my dad started his career in a very high stress, big money world, and was expected to go a long way in it.

He ended up, rather to his own surprise, leaving and joining his father in running a clothing business after a few years. He went to some reunions with guys from his first job and said that, while they all had loads more money than him, he'd liked his job more and had more fun!

I was also academically successful, but not very career minded, so I don't really care that I don't have a dynamic career, but I do like my job and it's been family friendly. I'm 43 and thinking of stepping things up a bit now my kids are a bit older, but if that doesn't work out, so be it.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/09/2021 19:28

I have up work because having 3 under 2 wasn’t cost effective.

At that time my DH said ‘you’re lucky, not many people get to raise their own children’

I agree with him, and wouldn’t swap those years for all the tea in China.

If you’d have been in a high flying hub you would be equally conflicted about time at work v time with children

There’s no ‘easy’ solution.

Original poster
Bleepingtons · 27/09/2021 18:19

@bakingwithmyboys YES! All my trainees are now my bosses which I have to say gave my ego a kicking when I went back. Glad I'm not the only one. I guess there's loads of time to pursue leadership when they're a bit older, if that's what we decide to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleepingtons · 27/09/2021 18:20

@corrblimeygg I want both! But I guess I'd prioritise my family and personal relationships every time. Doesn't stop me beating myself up though x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleepingtons · 27/09/2021 18:22

@wewereonaspringbreak thanks for replying. I find it reassuring to know I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. J Google people I used to work with and it just makes me feel so rubbish.

OP posts:
minipie · 27/09/2021 18:23

Career success does not equal life success.
If your family is financially comfortable without you following a high flying path, then what would you be doing it for? Ego? Leave that to the men Wink

Original poster
Bleepingtons · 27/09/2021 18:24

@bluebellsgreenbells three under two 😱thanks for replying. I 100% agree with what you say, just hard to remember sometimes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleepingtons · 27/09/2021 18:26

@minipie 🤣 that's what my husband always asks - why do you WANT this high-flying job and I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleepingtons · 27/09/2021 18:28

@echobelly thanks for this. Wise words! I know that if I were still a solicitor I'd hate it but sometimes still wonder why I couldn't hack it when others can 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
minipie · 27/09/2021 18:28

I do understand though. I also have ex colleagues (including ex trainees) who are now partners and I think… dammit why isn’t that me… and then I remember the hours and stress and sheer single mindedness required to get there.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 27/09/2021 18:28

@Bleepingtons I completely get you. I had a really great career which I absolutely torpedoed by firstly going part-time and then not returning from my third mat leave.
I spent almost two years having a conversation in my head about WTF have I just done and oh thank god I am not trying to juggle that mad job and the children.
When I really analysed it - I realised I wouldn't have changed any single decision along the path that got me to being a SAHM and that really the thing I missed the most was (sorry to be shallow about it) my own salary.

My youngest has started school so I'm doing part-time work now and enjoying it and trying to live more in the moment.

But yes... the younger ones now getting promoted. Well, you've got to just say well done to them and remember not everything is as rosy as it looks - they will have their own stresses too.

minipie · 27/09/2021 18:30

Others can hack it because they have different life circumstances (stay at home partner, family help, no children or one child or very easy children) and/or different priorities. Some people are burningly ambitious - men and women - if you’re not, that’s ok and in some ways makes life easier!

WellTidy · 27/09/2021 18:31

I think much of this depends on whether your self-worth/self-esteem is tied to you as a professional woman. Forgive the modern speak, but if your self-wort is linked to your identity as a solicitor or as a teacher, then it is bound to be low right now given where you are in your career. Obviously, this can change over the course of your career. But if your self-worth is wider than that, and is rooted in your characteristics and values, then you could see yourself as very successful indeed.

XelaM · 27/09/2021 18:32

Why not teach at a university? That's better paid than an ordinary teaching job. Also, lots of WFH part-time type of work in law at the moment

Brian9600 · 27/09/2021 18:40

I could have pretty much written your post, OP. I was the same- a high flyer in the same area, then had kids and wanted to spend more time with them than City law allowed, then made a series of decisions (all of which made sense at the time) which have left me with a reasonably paid but far from stellar career but having had the time I wanted with my family. I think what came as a shock was that the decisions I made were permanent- in my head I was a City lawyer just making a few adjustments- but now I've realised that there is no realistic way back into private practice. It's a real shock to realise that all the hopes I had for myself aren't going to be fulfilled and that I gave it all away so lightly.

What I find helpful is focusing on the good stuff and trying to own the decisions- I made an active choice to focus on family at the expense of my career. That obviously involves a sacrifice but also many years with my children which would otherwise have been very different. I'm sad that I had to make a choice, not that I made the wrong choice.

Also remember that you still have your excellent brain and you are still young. I think City law makes you a bit tunnel-visioned: there is one definition of success (partnership) and anything else is failure. The rest of the world does not see it like that- in fact, quite a lot of people would think it sounds pretty dull. You are still more than capable of having something to show for yourself, if that's what you want.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/09/2021 18:55

I am a teacher. Stayed home for few years until 3 dc in school. I was 40 then. Went back to work in a lovely school and stayed there very happily. There are different stages in life and you have lots more to go through. I was wondering was there any way of combining solicitors training and teaching to create a new interesting job. Teachers unions/ department of education/ taking court cases for schools/advocacy for special needs children... etc. The world is your oyster. Don't panic. Keep an eye out for opportunities and meanwhile make no apologies for being a SAHM as how you view yourself is how others will view you.
I found when l returned to teaching there was huge respect for my previous experience and l was in no way treated as a has been. My experience with my own children only added to the package. Head up..you have a bright future ahead.

Wewereonaspringbreak · 27/09/2021 19:00

@Brian9600

I could have pretty much written your post, OP. I was the same- a high flyer in the same area, then had kids and wanted to spend more time with them than City law allowed, then made a series of decisions (all of which made sense at the time) which have left me with a reasonably paid but far from stellar career but having had the time I wanted with my family. I think what came as a shock was that the decisions I made were permanent- in my head I was a City lawyer just making a few adjustments- but now I've realised that there is no realistic way back into private practice. It's a real shock to realise that all the hopes I had for myself aren't going to be fulfilled and that I gave it all away so lightly.

What I find helpful is focusing on the good stuff and trying to own the decisions- I made an active choice to focus on family at the expense of my career. That obviously involves a sacrifice but also many years with my children which would otherwise have been very different. I'm sad that I had to make a choice, not that I made the wrong choice.

Also remember that you still have your excellent brain and you are still young. I think City law makes you a bit tunnel-visioned: there is one definition of success (partnership) and anything else is failure. The rest of the world does not see it like that- in fact, quite a lot of people would think it sounds pretty dull. You are still more than capable of having something to show for yourself, if that's what you want.

Yes yes yes! The amount of people who have said to me “just get back into law then if that’s what you want”, but it simply isn’t that simple. I think I did know in my heart of hearts that I was entering a one way street when i took the series of manoeuvres (forgive the poor driving metaphor) to get here, but I was so in love with my kids and spending time with them that I thought that would be enough forever, but now they are older I can’t help but feel a bit bitter about all my training years wasted…But as you rightly say, my bitterness should be directed at the fact that I was forced to choose, not at the choice I made.