To feel like a professional failure

[Bleepingtons]

Please be kind in your responses. I am really struggling with this.

In a nutshell, I have always been academically successful. Left uni and got a training contract with an MC law firm where I qualified. After 2.5 years as a qualified solicitor I decided to leave as I hated the hours and the stress. I retrained as a teacher and then worked in a tough state school for 5 years. In this time I did well but didn't go higher than 2ic, mainly through personal preference.

I then met my now husband and we decided to go abroad for 2 years where I taught in a bit of a crap local school. When I came back I was pregnant so took some maternity leave before working 2 days a week as a classroom teacher for a year before going on mat leave again.

I'm now 36 and feel I have nothing to show for myself. Especially when I compare myself with contemporaries who are now partners in law firms etc.

But I'm also completely conflicted because I want to be at home with my kids too and spend as much time with them as possible.

The decisions I made at the time were based on the premise that life is short and there are more kmportant things than work but now I just feel like a failure.

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

I'm an equity partner in a city firm - I can honestly say I don't think less of any of my contemporaries who went and did different things be that on qualification, at 2.5 PQE or last year! That includes people who have been SAHP, gone in-house and retrained as a textile print artist.

Success should not be measured by whether someone "can hack it". It should be about whether you have done what was best for you and your loved ones, and whether you feel true to yourself. It sounds to me OP as if you're not sure what being true to yourself really involves at this point in your life - I think you need to focus on that rather than assuming that material achievement is what is missing.

I don’t think you give yourself nearly enough credit for your achievements of which you have a lot.

I'm a solicitor. After qualifying, I moved to a criminal firm and stayed there too long hoping for a promotion that never came then moved to a firm who were good at promoting but because I was just in the door, I was never considered. There were people with way less experience than me who were technically higher up the ladder than I was. I felt I'd missed the boat.

I then left to have DS and was a SAHM for 2 years before getting a job in a slightly different field. I'm not seeing a lot of promotion options in this job as my immediate bosses are either childfree or much younger than me with kids already and I'll probably never earn more than £45k before I retire. But, you know what? I love the job I currently do, a million times more than I ever loved what I did before. The girl I trained with is now a partner in our training firm. I wouldn't want her job for anything and I wouldn't touch crime now with a barge pole.

Own your choices.

A huge number of MC trainees will compare unfavourably with those peers who make it all the way. The issue is for you to develop a thick skin and to put enough value (lots!) on what you’ve achieved for yourself. Speaking from personal experience. I have done a lot of soul searching. Feel free to PM me.

Gosh this resonates tonight OP. Just been checking out the LinkedIn profile of a more successful peer who (I have just learnt) graduated from the same university i went to in the same year, with a similar degree. And she has children but is higher up the ladder in our shared profession. Like you OP, I have always performed very well academically and now feel I should have, as you say, more to show for it. But after being made redundant in 2013, I chose to go for a lower paid job, then ended up having my children and benefitting from excellent maternity conditions and pay. Eight years later, I am still there. I've stayed because as well as actually really enjoying the job and the creative opportunities it gives me, it is very flexible in regards to childcare - much needed as a parent to small DC. I am too exhausted to even think about what my next move might be, or what I want it to be, let alone look at job ads.

Most of the time I've made my peace with having a job that still pays relatively well but fits in with the demands of parenting. I know I don't have it in me to attempt a more challenging job right now as I feel stressed out to capacity! But then I see others in similar positions achieving more and I feel like a bit of a failure.

So yes...no answers but you are certainly not alone in feeling like this!

Another one here feeling your pain. Not a lawyer but trying to tolerate all the younger crapper leapfroggers and wondering where I went so wrong.

Life isn't all bad - in fact its probably fairly good really. I can't quite see what I'd have done especially differently, but I definitely feel dissatisfied and that I didn't make the most of things. However I definitely wouldn't trade time with my kids for a better career. It just would not have been right for me working full time with kids. I would have been very unhappy really.

If you find a solution to the angst, please do update us.

For any ex City lawyers reading this who do wish they could get back in but think it’s impossible… It’s got a lot easier. Look up Reignite Academy who are doing amazing things getting women “returnships” in City firms and sometimes in-house. The positions are well paid, 4 days a week (who’d have ever thought!!) and the Academy provides lots of support with CV, interview etc. I think what they are doing is wonderful.

That’s not to say OP or anyone else should go back… but just to signpost in case anyone wants or perhaps financially needs to go back.

Women Returners is a good site for similar programmes but non legal (big range of industries). Retraining programmes into tech are around too.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You have to look at your life and your choices as what is best for you. What others chose was best for them. There is no one way to do life, and success is being happy.

The purpose of life is to be happy, not to have a career that you can chat with over a drink at a dinner party.

If someone decided a career is what makes them happy then fine, but we were not put on this earth to have a career and have things that show the outside world we are “successful “.

If you are happy then you’re successful. That’s the point of life.. joy. To have a joyous life and to revel in the happiness of being alive. That’s why you are here.

Enjoy your children and try to be kinder to yourself. You shouldn’t say things about yourself that you wouldn’t dare say to anyone else. You wouldn’t call another person a failure, so why say this about yourself? That’s one thing you can do starting right now. Stop with the negative self talk.

I have a professional career and children
I certainly don't think I am not raising my children
Sometimes it is about compromise but if you want to have a career you will figure out how to make it work for you

I feel the same but it’s worse in that I studied and graduated at masters level in a health science field. I failed the boards 3 times and now have a good but low paid admin job within the nhs. I studied abroad so will unlikely meet and don’t keep up with any of my peers but it feels a bit shit sometimes. However, I’ve still managed to carve out a lovely life for myself and my DH is well paid so don’t struggle financially, but it’s like a dark cloud on my part sometimes. I don’t regret it though and believe things work out how they are meant to. I would’ve been miserable and lonely if I had practiced.

At least you can say you studied, qualified and practiced in a field of your choosing, which in itself is a massive accomplishment and you should be proud 💪 You have chosen to prioritise different things from your peers but that’s not a bad thing, just different. They may look at you and wish they had done similar

You've worked as a solicitor and a teacher..how is that failure? Try being in my shoes, only low paid admin jobs. 😑

I can only recommend don't browsing LinkedIn profiles, it can never make you feel better.

Unless you find that really academic kid at school that hasn't gone very far ;) but schadenfreude is a terrible thing!!

@minipie

For any ex City lawyers reading this who do wish they could get back in but think it’s impossible… It’s got a lot easier. Look up Reignite Academy who are doing amazing things getting women “returnships” in City firms and sometimes in-house. The positions are well paid, 4 days a week (who’d have ever thought!!) and the Academy provides lots of support with CV, interview etc. I think what they are doing is wonderful.

That’s not to say OP or anyone else should go back… but just to signpost in case anyone wants or perhaps financially needs to go back.

Women Returners is a good site for similar programmes but non legal (big range of industries). Retraining programmes into tech are around too.

Thanks. I do actually follow Woman Returners and have recently applied for a couple of things unsuccessfully (though not City Law firms as I am ex civil service). I think in my case the fact that I have successfully pursued a second career in teaching weirdly counts against me as I have always been studying or in employment and therefore am maybe seen to be a bit of a failure on two counts rather than just one 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would retrain into another field too, but haven’t seen any of those…

Comparison is the thief of joy! If you are happy where you are and enjoy your life as is then own it! If you aren't happy and actually want to work in a high ranked job go for it!

Wow this thread really hits home

My scenario is slightly different, I graduated, started working for one of the big firms and then went through a few years of rough health (cancer). By the time my eye was back on my career, people around me had climbed up. I worked hard and was promoted just as I went onto have a family. I then took a second mat leave in a short time and so therefore I feel like I don't have much to show for the last 10 years, career wise anyway. My salary is not in line with the market rate and people who I have trained are now higher than me. It's so frustrating and every so often I do get very down about it. I work part time now which is another way of slowing my career down.

I try and own my choice of having a family / working part time so that I can spend some time with them whilst they are so young but bundle that with the health challenges and it does all seem unfair I wish we could have it all!

@Brian9600 thanks for this. Very helpful and kind advice which I totally agree with. I think like others say, my self worth is linked to what I do and earn maybe too much. It would be so nice to be earning squillions but that doesn't take into account the major sacrifices I'd have to make to get there.

So glad that you have taken these words on board about self worth. I heard someone say them about 10 years ago, when resigning from her (the same career) position and I was determined to remember them. I thought it was such a healthy perspective. I’ve resigned from my position recently and they really helped me shift my mindset in the run up to making that decision. It’s not quite a ‘repeat it to yourself until you believe it’s true’ position, but it has really helped me.

Comparison is the thief of joy x

I felt similar after I had my DD2, I had excellent qualifications but had drifted between jobs and countries and had nothing to show for it compared to friends who were flying high. I had planned to go back to work when my youngest was two and start really pushing myself but my previous industry also has incredibly long working hours and I would have a significant commute. I would barely see my DC and I simply couldn't do it. Their dad works crazy hours too so they would essentially have no parents around Monday to Friday.

So I decided to get more qualifications instead I applied for a PhD scholarship on a whim and actually got accepted. It's the perfect balance. The flexibility to be around during the early primary years with my DC and do all the school runs etc. yet I have something intellectually stimulating for me, I'm learning lots of new skills and I have a big goal to work towards. Might be worth thinking about if you're academic?

I think you can be proud of what you’ve achieved actually. You have had two successful careers. The trainees you’ve mentored have gone on to be successful, another sign of your success, plus you’ve traveled and had the opportunity to enjoy your children.
It is said that comparison is the thief of joy for you will always be better than some and worse than others which leads to vanity or bitterness. Enjoy the life you have!

@Scarby9

You have qualified and worked in two professional careers and had a family. On what possible planet is that a fail? You are still only in your 30s and still have time to do all kinds of things.

This is the post that you need to keep reading. You are no failure. Stop being so hard on yourself. Why do women put so much pressure on themselves?

I think you just have to reaffirm that you made the choices you did for good reasons

Sometimes I feel bad that I am not more successful. This is pretty much only when I compare myself to others negatively. They are usually men too.

I am Oxbridge educated, have a PhD and I have a decent local career but people I was at college with who were my peers are nationally and internationally renowned. Sometimes I think I have wasted my potential and should be making big waves.

Then I remember that in order to do that you need a single minded focus on career whereas I am a decently hands on mum to my kids, worked PT when they were little, share at least half the domestic load, support my wider family, have hobbies, volunteer. I may have the brains to be a top academic but I frankly don't want it enough and that's OK. That's actually who I am.

Remind yourself that your experiences are different not inferior and try really hard not to compare yourself to others

Your idea that life is short is actually true
A lot of people live a life that's all about work and making money thinking they will relax and enjoy it later
My mum never got to enjoy her retirement as she was diagnosed with cancer and then died before doing many of the things she wanted. It's made me really aware not to wait for retirement to travel and do other stuff but to do it now.

I have a real sense of time passing quickly now that my DD is a teen. It's not very long before she'll fly the nest and I am trying to pack in holidays and experiences I want to share with her before she doesn't want to know me anymore!
Wanting to spend more time with your kids can't be a bad thing to want.

I have a real sense of time passing quickly now that my DD is a teen. It's not very long before she'll fly the nest and I am trying to pack in holidays and experiences I want to share with her before she doesn't want to know me anymore!
Wanting to spend more time with your kids can't be a bad thing to want.

This. I recently let someone make me feel bad about not having a formal career now (tbh her career wasn't anything to get excited about either). Now I have teens I'm so cross with myself for wasting my energy and so pleased to have spent time with my children.

I am in a similar position and it can be hard as society tends to value external success as measured by job title. My advice which I don’t always stick to is to steer clear of LinkedIn with all the “pleased to announce I’ve been made VP for sales at Wernham Hogg Paper Supplies” type posts.

There’s lots of great advice on this thread. OP I think you really need to redefine in your head what you mean by ‘professional success’. I went to a top uni, competitive masters, promising career in twenties. By I quickly realised gaining promotions, taking on more responsibility, managing others, the stress etc just wasn’t for me. Therefore I’m now in my early forties, and have been leapfrogged in terms of seniority by hordes of ambitious younger people.

And you know what? That’s absolutely fine. Because for me ‘professional success’ means working in my mid-level non-managerial role, doing work that’s interesting enough but not too stressful, and being able to work 4 days a week. This is success - to me, on my terms. I’m running my own race and there’s no point me feeling bad when my 28 year old colleague is promoted to a level that’s above where I am.

I know exactly what you mean about the LinkedIn trap though! I occasionally google someone on my masters course or someone I worked with in my twenties and yep they’re Managing Director of X or Senior partner of Y. But I also think the mind can play weird tricks here - humans have an unhelpful tendency to compare themselves to those they perceive as doing better than them, not those who aren’t as successful.

So for example if you google 3 ex colleagues you might discover one is a high flying senior partner in a law firm, one is a mid level lawyer and one is not searchable (as they are currently a mum to young kids and on a career break for example). But instead of thinking to yourself about the range of career paths of these three people it’s all too easy to fixate on the career path of the most successful one and compare yourself to that person while subconsciously forgetting about the other two.