To feel like a professional failure

[Bleepingtons]

Please be kind in your responses. I am really struggling with this.

In a nutshell, I have always been academically successful. Left uni and got a training contract with an MC law firm where I qualified. After 2.5 years as a qualified solicitor I decided to leave as I hated the hours and the stress. I retrained as a teacher and then worked in a tough state school for 5 years. In this time I did well but didn't go higher than 2ic, mainly through personal preference.

I then met my now husband and we decided to go abroad for 2 years where I taught in a bit of a crap local school. When I came back I was pregnant so took some maternity leave before working 2 days a week as a classroom teacher for a year before going on mat leave again.

I'm now 36 and feel I have nothing to show for myself. Especially when I compare myself with contemporaries who are now partners in law firms etc.

But I'm also completely conflicted because I want to be at home with my kids too and spend as much time with them as possible.

The decisions I made at the time were based on the premise that life is short and there are more kmportant things than work but now I just feel like a failure.

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

Op I think YAB a tad U! My sister completely retrained and changed her career at 37 and she had fewer adaptable qualifications and experience than you.

Did you get a good law degree? If so, why not do a Masters in some technical area of law and then try and lecture in some obscure aspect of law? That would be still very demanding but more family friendly in terms of holidays.

The thing is, hindsight is a wonderful thing, you've made your decisions and you can't go back, so there is no point in fretting or comparing your life to others, just own the fact that you have travelled and lived abroad and have experienced and trained for another career whole others were slogging in a law office!

You are in a slightly odd position because a lot of people put in all the long hours and stress early on before having dc late. But you have recognised that that life doesn't suit you, and you are academically bright, so why not try and use that in some way? The trouble is, apart from the holidays, universities are extremely stressful places to work nowadays, so you have to be totally committed to it. And if you didn't want to be promoted when you teaching because of the extra workload, then university life may not be for you either.

Put very bluntly, it's not very logical to quit working in a law firm because of the long hours and stress, and then avoid being promoted in a school because of long hours and stress, and then complain that you don't have a high flying career! On the same grounds, it's illogical to think of yourself as a failure when you chose the path you did. You haven't "failed" - you chose a different path.

The important thing now is to be very clear about what you do want and maybe see a good careers advisor or mentor? And make your past qualifications and experience really work for you.

Maybe working for yourself would suit you better? A high proportion of teachers and lawyers go on to work for themselves so your background is perfect! The key thing now, whatever you choose to do, is to be committed and not to dither.

What about setting up a tutoring service for children? The problem with that of course is that you are needed after school hours and weekends when the dc need you. Someone I know has set up a proper after school homework club in office premises, she employs staff, and provides group and one to one tutoring and meals for older dc and bridges the gap between school and home from 3.45 to 7.15pm. It's not cheap!

Or would you derive satisfaction from teaching sc with special and additional needs?

I'm in my mid-fifties and people achieve their individual version of "success" in a myriad of ways and by many different routes! Someone I know in their late fifties is setting up a small business right now!

Good luck op! The world is your oyster!

Own your choices.

And don't buy into the stereotypes of Hugh flying career equals poor relationships and vice versa. But similarly, appreciate that there is no "right" choice and every choice or life path will come with some downsides, but hopefully a lot of upsides too that make up for it. No one choice is "better". You haven't made wrong choices and those with high flying careers haven't made wrong choices. Just different ones with different downsides and upsides.

Variations on this thread are very common on MN as it’s such a widespread feeling. I wish I knew the answer to it.

OP I think I get where you're coming from as although I've not changed career I've never progressed as far as maybe I should have. I did exceptionally well at my (fairly average) school, got a law degree from Cambridge and then...it all started going downhill. I really struggled to get a training contract, eventually got one with a City but not magic circle firm...then I couldn't get a NQ job. Got one which I hated. Got pregnant, left, got a local job which was a 10k pay cut. Did that for 2 years, another baby. Left because we moved...that was all by the time I was 29! And then for the next 20 years I've worked as a personal injury solicitor but I'm still only an associate and I only got to that 3 years ago. People I trained 15 years ago (some of whom were pretty bloody useless) are now partners in other firms earning 2 or 3 times what I get. I'm 25 years PQE this month and I've never earned over 60k which for a solicitor is pretty shit.

Then again I never wanted a job with massive stress. And as my DP says how much do I actually need to earn? I'm financially comfortable and own my house outright. And that's enough for me really.

We're encouraged to aim high. And that's right to an extent. But the real achievement isn't necessarily career status or wealth but being happy. Do what makes you happiest.

I went down to two days self employed legal consultant. Did that for 14 years.
I kept my skills up whilst spending lots of time with my beautiful boys.
I had a wobbly couple of years but then found a start up law firm who gave me a chance.
I’m a partner there now and very proud to have earned six figures last year.
So you have a lot of options and time before you exercise them. But don’t get deskilled is my advice

You’re no failure, OP. You’ve done well trying 2 x highly challenging careers and have been very brave realizing they’re not for you and moving on.
I know a Cambridge graduate who worked in banking and was a real ‘success’, then left that behind to start up their own small online business. They’ve never been happier and more fulfilled.

Ps. I’m an ex-teacher who is currently working as a live-in carer (and also briefly worked in law a long time ago) and some people see me as a failure, but sometimes things don’t work out and we have to reassess and go back to the drawing board. Personally, I’m considering retraining in IT. I was going to train as an OT but couldn’t live of the salary, especially with 2 years’ training.

That’s a real bad case of comparisonitis complicated by status anxiety that you have there.

It sounds to me like you have had a rich life full of lots of different experiences and you are now in this season of caring for your family and when this passes you will explore something else. Solicitor, teacher, traveller, mother That more than three whole lives you’ve lived already!

Enjoy it. It will pass soon enough, and you really are enough - just you doing what you do.

I’ve made similar choices OP. No regrets. Life is short and no one lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more.

@cultkid

I feel judged as fuck for having my kids and not working

I don't need to

I am glad but very insecure

Being a mum is 100% the hardest job ever

What do you need to prove?

Probably you are surrounded by judgemental bastards like I am xx

Seriously mother’s need to lay these burdens down. With my first child I worked, studied evenings and weekends and was the sole provider and I was judged for being too busy for my child. Now, different circumstances, different life stage mean I’m a SAHM with my younger ones and I am judged for spending too much time with them and being “too dependent on DH”.

Take my word for it, I’ve been a mother for 28 years and done mothering in all the main options, there isn’t one that doesn’t come with a side order of other people’s judgement.

Lay that burden down ladies. Do your thing that suits you and your children and your families and just be fucking fabulously happy whenever the opportunity arises.

I understand where you are coming from and have often felt the same way. I don't work in law, but I do compare myself to friends who have seemingly successful professional careers.

I did well academically but did not know what I wanted to do in life, so drifted between temp jobs and ended up working in admin. Then I had babies, went p/t, and watched as younger / male colleagues got promoted around me. Now I feel bored of my current work, but don't want the stress and unpaid overtime that comes with being a manager.

I'm not sure what the answer is but you aren't alone!

@Twylar

Comparison is the thief of joy! If you are happy where you are and enjoy your life as is then own it! If you aren't happy and actually want to work in a high ranked job go for it!

Own your choices OP.

What exactly is the point of making these choices if you are going to beat yourself up over them?

This is your ego at you.
Shut it down and own the choices you have made.

No one ever regretted not working enough on their deathbed.

Be proud of your bravery to take a different path.

Admitting that the hours and stress of your job were not good for you is not a failure. Taking time out to travel abroad is not failure. Putting your career progression on hold and raising kids is not failure.

Success is different to everyone dependant on their ambitions and definition. I've spent the last 6 years doing my job and not applying for promotions because I like the day to day stuff...which convinced me to get my own clients so I can eventually be fully self-employed. Professionally I might seem like I haven't progressed but I have learned, and trained, and can run rings round my superiors on our software.

Also, I'm about to turn 40 so you are not too old to think about what you want to do with the next 20-25 years of your life (that's like half your lifetime again!)

Also a professional failure. Qualified as an accountant, worked in the industry for a few years with maternity leaves thrown in. Quit several years ago as I was being treated like crap. Quite enjoy being a lady of leisure and being here for my kids. Mid 30’s now and would happily say I am retired.

Christ I wouldn’t go back to my top 3 MC law firm for all the tea in China! I feel the opposite I don’t see those that stayed as the success story. The trick is knowing when to cut your losses. Did laugh to see my most utterly useless trainee ever just made head of one of their key overseas offices 🙄😁. He was a nice chap though so good luck to him.

Oh and I now actually do work with people who are on their deathbeds and it reiterates how utterly little this all matters. And how precious your time is - too precious to work 11 hours days in a sterile box away from your kids for me anyway (my old job).

Comparison is the their of joy! Don't compare yourself to your law school peers. They may be projecting a successful facade but be miserable, stressed and have no free time. They may have missed countless precious moments with their children that they can never get back.

You made decisions that were right for you at the time. I think you chose very wisely to prioritise time with your family and remember. Your were right - life is very short - and happiness is the greatest measure of success.

Don't doubt yourself! 36 is still very young!! You have so much time to achieve more in your career - but you by no means have to! The life you have already sounds idyllic.

If this helps, I’m in education, am high up and wouldn’t be considered a professional failure. But I don’t get enough time with my children, their childhood is slipping past me while I worry about other people’s children, but we’re all reliant on my wages to survive so I’m trapped. And being in the role that i’m in, there is no let up and the pressure of when the next Ofsted will be or what the next guidance is keeps me awake all night worrying. So please don’t beat yourself up about not being high up enough in education - in my view (and yes, I am jaded!) it’s a poisoned chalice when you have children. Just enjoy the time you have with them, you won’t get it back.

I used to work in one of the top law firms too - I'm older than you, so my contemporaries are now the senior partners in various firms! Earning millions.

I agree that it's just a waste of energy comparing yourself and regretting your decision.

But I also took a different decision to you which I don't regret at all which wasn't to stop work, (bar maternity leaves) or completely change field which means that I am very senior now in my (different field) and love my job.

I can't tell from your post whether you are happy being a teacher and get fulfillment from that. Hopefully you do. In which case, my advice is not to stop working completely because the young childhood stage isn't very long, and you'll want something to go back to when they are older.

(and ime working is a sensible decision given that 1 in 2 marriages fail).

You’ve decided to value life, well done. For lots of high achievers it takes burn out or something dreadful like a death to do that.

You have plenty of time once the children are a little older to pursue ‘success’ if you want too

Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to comment - everyone has said something helpful and kind for which I'm very grateful. It's given me so much comfort and so much food for thought.

I actually contacted Reignite Academy and had a useful conversation so that's highly recommended. But that also focused my mind on whether I want to leave teaching and I'm not sure I do. I think the problem is that I've stagnated and therefore enjoy the day to day but don't feel very challenged. I see that this is something that is in my power to rectify when the time is right.

I'm going to come back to this and try and respond individually but I currently have two under two so it's not always easy to find the time!

Again, thank you so much. It's great to know I'm not alone and to also know that there are so many options xx