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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I set boundaries with lodger

74 replies

Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 17:05

I’m terrible with setting boundaries, can you let me know how I can improve.

For example I’m painting the front door and I should be telling him not to use the front door at al (we have a side gate). He’s walked in via the front door at a risk of getting his clothes or the house dirty with paint.

Alive left a paint can at the door so it won’t fully close as it’s had a few coats. He’s now used that door to exit the house and moved the jar out of the way. I was alerted to this noise and saw him leave. We had some interaction and I think he was going to close the door or not leave it ajar correctly.

I’m just terrible with boundaries and telling people what to do. How do I become normal?

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 26/09/2021 17:24

Do you communicate with your lodger at all? This really isn’t a boundary issue but a poor communication issue. ‘Hey xxx I’m painting the front door, can you use the side gate for the following six hours, cheers’.

You could have spoken to him direct, WhatsApp’ed him etc. Why wasn’t this your go to? Choosing getting annoyed at him for not using the side entrance and the tad unconvincing self flagellation, instead.

Are you sure you’re cut out for being a landlady?

MaggieFS · 26/09/2021 17:26

Agree with pp. That's not a boundary thing, that's a straightforward matter. Just don't overthink it and never assume people will automatically think like you e.g. realise not to move jar.

Keep it simple 'I've painted the front door. Please don't use it and use the side door until Tuesday. Thank you."

Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 17:43

@AgentJohnson

Do you communicate with your lodger at all? This really isn’t a boundary issue but a poor communication issue. ‘Hey xxx I’m painting the front door, can you use the side gate for the following six hours, cheers’.

You could have spoken to him direct, WhatsApp’ed him etc. Why wasn’t this your go to? Choosing getting annoyed at him for not using the side entrance and the tad unconvincing self flagellation, instead.

Are you sure you’re cut out for being a landlady?

It was because my other lodger had issues with my deviating from the norm. Eg I asked her to use it for X reason and she became a twat about it
OP posts:
Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 18:02

@AgentJohnson

Do you communicate with your lodger at all? This really isn’t a boundary issue but a poor communication issue. ‘Hey xxx I’m painting the front door, can you use the side gate for the following six hours, cheers’.

You could have spoken to him direct, WhatsApp’ed him etc. Why wasn’t this your go to? Choosing getting annoyed at him for not using the side entrance and the tad unconvincing self flagellation, instead.

Are you sure you’re cut out for being a landlady?

Don’t see them. I should have said to him to use the side door when I was sitting down putting my first coast of the paint on the front door…. Instead he got me to move and asked was the colour the base colour.
OP posts:
MadeOfStarStuff · 26/09/2021 18:13

That’s not a boundary issue that’s a you not communicating issue

Why wouldn’t you just say “I’m painting the front door please use the other door today”? Surely that’s far less hassle and stress than all this?

hopeishere · 26/09/2021 18:14

Yeah it's just manners on your part to let him know what you're doing.

Thadhiya · 26/09/2021 18:17

If you can't communicate basic things to another person is having a lodger really wise? I'd be pretty pissed if I got paint on myself because someone could neither tell me the door was wet or put up a sign.

Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 18:19

@Thadhiya

If you can't communicate basic things to another person is having a lodger really wise? I'd be pretty pissed if I got paint on myself because someone could neither tell me the door was wet or put up a sign.
I would be highly pissed you can’t see someone is painting a door or could see it is wet…..
OP posts:
Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 18:19

@MadeOfStarStuff

That’s not a boundary issue that’s a you not communicating issue

Why wouldn’t you just say “I’m painting the front door please use the other door today”? Surely that’s far less hassle and stress than all this?

Because he then asked me to justify why he couldn’t go out the front door…. Lols
OP posts:
Cuddlywaterfall · 26/09/2021 18:20

OP you just need to use your words and tell
your lodger what is going on, and what you need him/her to do. It's very simple. If you can't manage a face to face conversation then send a text or WhatsApp.

Hoppinggreen · 26/09/2021 18:22

If you can’t even politely but firmly ask him not to use a door you are painting then in a few months time he will probably be walking all over you

GADDay · 26/09/2021 18:23

Op. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

A simple conversation was all that was required. Why the complicated guessing game? It makes you look a bit odd.

actingsergeant · 26/09/2021 18:24

i would be highly pissed you can’t see someone is painting a door or could see it is wet…..

Why are you trying to imply that your lodger is in the wrong when it’s clearly you?

noprofessional · 26/09/2021 18:25

I think it's a problem with your communication. You're not doing a great job on this thread either..

scrillish · 26/09/2021 18:30

From what you have said I am not convinced this is a you issue. Are you sure this isn't about the failings of the kind of people you are letting into your life rather than your bad commmunication or boundary setting skills?

Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 18:33

@scrillish

From what you have said I am not convinced this is a you issue. Are you sure this isn't about the failings of the kind of people you are letting into your life rather than your bad commmunication or boundary setting skills?
Not sure what your mean
OP posts:
scrillish · 26/09/2021 18:39

I meant are you sure that it's not your lodger being weird rather than your inability to set boundaries? It sounds like you had a conversation about the door being painted so why would your lodger try and move the paint can? That sounds strange? surely if you know a door is being painted you don't need to be told explicitly not to mess with that.

AttaGirrrrl · 26/09/2021 18:39

From what you’ve said, it went something like this:
Lodger: can you move to one side while I get out?
You: I’m just painting the door. Can you use the side exit?
Lodger: why do I need to go round?

It should have gone:
Lodger: can you move to one side while I get out?
You: I’m just painting the door. Can you use the side exit?
Lodger: why do I need to go round?
You: because I’m painting the door. It’ll take about six hour to dry so you’ll need to use the side door

You just need to be a bit more assertive. “Because I’m painting the door” could have been repeated for many many questions!

Goldbar · 26/09/2021 19:23

I find setting out the consequences works quite well with my young DC. So I would say something like "Please don't use the front door. I'm painting it, it's wet and you might get paint on your clothes". If he uses it and gets paint on his clothes, not my problem.

Abitofalark · 26/09/2021 19:26

It's for the OP to tell us what the conversation was. There is no point in speculating or making one up.

I could guess there might be underlying tension between the landlady and lodger but again only the OP can tell us the general state of relations with him.

Sparklesocks · 26/09/2021 19:27

You just need to be clear and direct in communicating rather than just hoping he figures out what you want and getting angry if he doesn’t. Even message is fine if preferred ‘hey X just to let you know I’m painting the front door at the moment - could you use the side door for the time being so you don’t get paint on your clothes and I can leave it open to dry. Thanks’

Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 19:28

@AttaGirrrrl

From what you’ve said, it went something like this: Lodger: can you move to one side while I get out? You: I’m just painting the door. Can you use the side exit? Lodger: why do I need to go round?

It should have gone:
Lodger: can you move to one side while I get out?
You: I’m just painting the door. Can you use the side exit?
Lodger: why do I need to go round?
You: because I’m painting the door. It’ll take about six hour to dry so you’ll need to use the side door

You just need to be a bit more assertive. “Because I’m painting the door” could have been repeated for many many questions!

So I did the final paint and I caught him before he was going out. Asked him to use the side door.

His response - I won’t mess up your painting. There is enough room. Where is the paint. I won’t get my clothes wet.

OP posts:
skybluee · 26/09/2021 19:30

"I'd prefer it if we both simply used the other door, just for today. Thanks for your help with this"

Mischance · 26/09/2021 19:33

Hey here's a plan!

"Hello Mr Lodger. For the next few days I will be painting the front door - please use the side door."

Bingo!!!

Original poster
Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 19:40

I started when he was out. Last minute decision.

I told him this evening to use the side door and he made a meal out of it.

OP posts:
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