How do I set boundaries with lodger

[Talktalkchat]

I’m terrible with setting boundaries, can you let me know how I can improve.

For example I’m painting the front door and I should be telling him not to use the front door at al (we have a side gate). He’s walked in via the front door at a risk of getting his clothes or the house dirty with paint.

Alive left a paint can at the door so it won’t fully close as it’s had a few coats. He’s now used that door to exit the house and moved the jar out of the way. I was alerted to this noise and saw him leave. We had some interaction and I think he was going to close the door or not leave it ajar correctly.

I’m just terrible with boundaries and telling people what to do. How do I become normal?

I still think you communicated fine and this sounds like your lodger is a misogonist twat rather than you being terrible at setting boundaries and needing to learn how to be normal. Surround yourself with decent people and I am sure you won' be questioning your self in this way.

@scrillish

I still think you communicated fine and this sounds like your lodger is a misogonist twat rather than you being terrible at setting boundaries and needing to learn how to be normal. Surround yourself with decent people and I am sure you won' be questioning your self in this way.

Totally this. It sounds like you told him but he thinks that he can do whatever he likes and ignored you.
This lodger could be difficult to 'manage' going forward.

I’m like you on that I find it hard to communicate sometimes face to face. WhatsApp is your friend

Dear Lodger

If you argue with and ignore my reasonable requests for you to behave respectfully in my house this lodging arrangement is not going to work and I will give you notice. Please don’t do that again.

Regards
Landlady

Your lodger was a twat!

Ypu should have warned him before you started painting. Common courtesy

Why wouldn’t you just say “I’m painting the front door please use the other door today”? Surely that’s far less hassle and stress than all this?

Because he then asked me to justify why he couldn’t go out the front door…. Lols

So what is difficult about answering that? Admittedly you might have difficulty not rolling your eyes too much because it was a stupid thing to ask, but surely it's easy enough to sat "Because (a) you presumably don't want to get paint on yourself and (b) you might spoil what I've done".

Because he then asked me to justify why he couldn’t go out the front door…. Lols

So you keep telling him no. When he says ‘Oh, I won’t get paint on me etc’, you repeat-without moving-‘I’ve asked you to use the other door’ and go back to painting, standing awkwardly so he can’t get past you.

If he can’t do something really simple, tell him you’re not comfortable with him being there.

So I did the final paint and I caught him before he was going out. Asked him to use the side door.

His response - I won’t mess up your painting. There is enough room. Where is the paint. I won’t get my clothes wet.

So the response to that is "Look, I don't want to risk it, surely going out of the side door isn't a problem". And if he continues being bloody-minded, think about looking for a new lodger.

Expecting to see another thread now with AIBU to think my landlady is extremely inconsiderate for not telling me there was wet paint on the front door? She was in the house but didn’t even think to mention it and now I have gloss all on my jacket!

Your lodger was a jerk.

You need to put on your big girl pants amd be more assertive. It’s really hard when you’re not used to it, but the more you do it the better you’ll get. You’ve just got to do it. Don’t let anyone treat you like that.

From a former doormat who found her roar.

@Droite

Why wouldn’t you just say “I’m painting the front door please use the other door today”? Surely that’s far less hassle and stress than all this?

Because he then asked me to justify why he couldn’t go out the front door…. Lols

So what is difficult about answering that? Admittedly you might have difficulty not rolling your eyes too much because it was a stupid thing to ask, but surely it's easy enough to sat "Because (a) you presumably don't want to get paint on yourself and (b) you might spoil what I've done".

Because his response was “I can’t see any paint on the floor” and “it will be ok I won’t get paint on me”

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Expecting to see another thread now with AIBU to think my landlady is extremely inconsiderate for not telling me there was wet paint on the front door? She was in the house but didn’t even think to mention it and now I have gloss all on my jacket!

I was painting the door when he came home. He knows the score.

When he moved the paint pot and I heard him, he sheepishly said “it’s ok I don’t need your help”.

Well his responses aren't very respectful. You need to either insist. Or if this is a pattern of response I'd be giving him notice to leave. Can't be treading on tiptoes all the time

He sounds a twat. He knew what you wanted him to do but chose not to do it. He even moved the paint can so he could get out.

Yes, you could be firmer and stand up to him but my guess is that he’ll keep disrespecting you and doing what he wants. I’d give him Notice personally. If you don’t want to say about the paint incident, just make something up. There are plenty of nice, normal lodgers around. You’re not obliged to house Mr Twat.

This is why I wouldn't take in a male lodger.

Mansplaining.

you need to communicate with people. People arent mindreaders. What do you think will happen if you say "could you use the side door please until the paint is dry"

I can’t believe there are apologists here for the lodger. If I came home to a front door being painted, I wouldn’t need to be told, I would just go around to the side door, because I’m not a dick. It’s not about communication, it’s about normal decent behaviour.

OP I think you need to get a new lodger.

@Branleuse

you need to communicate with people. People arent mindreaders. What do you think will happen if you say "could you use the side door please until the paint is dry"

Look What happened…

@TheProvincialLady

Dear Lodger

If you argue with and ignore my reasonable requests for you to behave respectfully in my house this lodging arrangement is not going to work and I will give you notice. Please don’t do that again.

Regards
Landlady

This.

Agree with @scrillish, nothing wrong with what you said.

He is rude and disrespectful.

This is NOT someone you want in your home.

Don't have lodgers if you cannot be VERY firm about your expectations.

I'd be giving him notice.

Have you considered an 'electric animal fence'?
They are not fatal but gives one a bit of a jolt and so are good for establishing boundaries.
Hope this suggestion is not too shocking

He started to be a right choosy fucker like the other lodgers.

For example neighbour was trying to get a painter in to do her house. However they let her down and she didn’t tell us (lodger had to move his bike). He was stating that “we” shouldn’t let her do it now because she let us down. Realistically it was raining that day so they didn’t fancy doing the painting, so it’s shit for her and us. Yes neighbour should have knocked on, but didn’t.

Isn’t that between me and her though? As homeowners and access?

Is this the chap who doesn't like having to take his keys out with him? Or am I getting confused with a different poster with lodger issues?

@LikeACatInTheDark

Is this the chap who doesn't like having to take his keys out with him? Or am I getting confused with a different poster with lodger issues?

No he takes his keys with him? Normally drives

Yep, I'm getting you confused with another poster in that case!